Mallorca

Just wrote the biggest blog ever (2800 words).

http://www.seeyouinhell.blogspot.com

Nicked this from Karen

1. What time did you get up this morning ? 08.10 as per usual
2. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Goodness gracious, I really don’t know. It would have been last summer – possibly Spiderman II
3.. What is your favourite TV show? Coronation Street
4. What did you have for breakfast? A wank
5.What is your middle name? Matthew
6. What is your favourite cuisine? Probably slow roasted lamb
7. What foods do you dislike? Eggs, I am ovophobic. I was nearly sich at lunchtime because the man next to me had a bacon and egg sandwich
8. What is your favourite crisp flavour? Ready salted
9. What is your favourite CD at the moment? I have a number although these are only my favourites because they are in my CD players. If I take them out of the CD player I’ll probably never listen to them again: Tony Christie the Definitive collection, Busted by Busted and Morrisey’s latest one, You are the Quarry
10. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t own a car
11. Favourite sandwich? Pret a Manger Super Club or turkey, stuffing and gravy sandwich on Xmas Day!
13. Favourite item of clothing? My tweed jacket which is now too small for me
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Istanbul
15. What colour is your bathroom? Beige/White
16. Favourite brand of clothing? T M Lewin
17. Where would you retire to? Whitby or Mallorca
18. Favourite time of the day? 5pm
19. Favourite sport to watch? Oh god, you mean my least unfavourite. Probably rugby,
20. What fabric detergent do you use? Daz
21. Coke or Pepsi? Diet coke
22. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night Owl I’d have to say
23. What is your shoe size? 11
24. Do you have any pets? Karen and Richard
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your Friends? I had 53 pints in the last week
26. What did you want to do when you were little? Phillip Schofield and Morten Harkett
27. What are you meant to be doing today? Attending a five and a quarter hour meeting (yawn)

Nicked this from Rich

1. What time did you get up this morning ? 8.30am.........late for work, but hey-ho.
2. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? erm, White noise.
3.. What is your favourite TV show? Shameless.
4. What did you have for breakfast? - toast.
5.What is your middle name ? don't have one.
6. What is your favourite cuisine? - LAMB KORMA.
7. What foods do you dislike? - Sage and onion stuffing, dumplings, marrowfat peas, pesto, the list is endless.
8. What is your favourite crisp flavour? worcester sauce.
9. What is your favourite CD at the moment? dunno, the new spring R&B one's quite good.
10. What kind of car do you drive - Black Megane with a big dent in.
11. Favourite sandwich? - M&S Club.
13. Favourite item of clothing? - Lycra mini dress..oh no i'm getting mixed up, i meant Pyjamas.
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation - Cleckheaton.
15. What colour is your bathroom? white/blue/silver and Porritt sick colour.
16. Favourite brand of clothing? Next but it's not a brand, they're cheap a good fit and they wash well.(GOD i am Marlene).
17. Where would you retire to ?Cleckheaton.
18. Favourite time of the day?6pm.
19. Favourite sport to watch - Rugby, obvious reasons.
20. What fabric detergent do you use ?Whatever i can get free from work.
21. Coke or Pepsi? Diet coke.
22. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Haahahhaahahaaahaa, anyone who knows me knows why i'm laughing
23. What is your shoe size? 6
24. Do you have any pets? 1 Lion and 2 Panthers
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your Friends? I'm never shagging Porritt again.
26. What did you want to do when you were little? be old enough to drink.
27. What are you meant to be doing today?working.

Weekend eve

These short weeks are fab, i could do 4 day weeks no worries!

My wild, wild week so far.....

Erm...

Tuesday: i came to this loony bin during the day, then in the evening i did some extreme ironing, when i say extreme, i don't mean i took my ironing board up a mountain side, i just meant i got through 16 items in 45 mins, how fast is that?
How dull am i?
Then i watched t.v for 5 hours.....great!!!

Wednesday: i came her again, larked around a bit then David made me drive to Barnsley to see a punter, the fucking cheek of the guy making me work.
Called at Marlos, me and Steven ignored each other as we'd arranged to go to pizza hut and the cinema, bank holiday Monday, Steven had sent me 2 txts about what time to meet and i'd phoned him 3 times only to get his voicemail, you see we both thought we were ignoring each other, it turned out, he had no reception on his phone.......silly us, how we laughed!!
Well Steven kicked me said i was to blame and that he wouldn't be hungry next week, when i suggested we rearrange...........similar to laughing?

Home, made a chilli..then put together a new photo board, as the one on the landing is over 6 years old and i'm not in touch with 1/2 the people on it!

Oooh, it's a good one, everyone's on it!
There's family, Steven, Ruth, Mark, Marlene, Jim, David, Donna, Hayley, Rach and Dean.
Mates, Matt, MJ, Sarah, Spug, Katy and her man, Gabe, Dawn, Chris, Rhian, Helen, Tina, Beth, Kay, Emmaroids.
Kiddies, Thirza, Olivia, William and Ethan.
Shags, Pot rat and Jacko........this is to prevent any further Dyke comments from that Matt.
Work mates, Leigh, Paul and David.

Oddly i don't have any recent photos of Sam, Molly or Freya...bizarre!!??!!

Thursday, that's today......i'm calling on the way home at Kays for tea, she txt to say it's only shepherds pie, but IT'S HOME MADE!!!...deep joy, another plate of slop, still i'm hoping she'll offer to cut my hair, i purposely didn't even brush it this morning, so it looks so much of a state, she'll have to offer.

I wouldn't want me to be her advertisement for her up and coming business!!!

Hahahahaaahahahhahaaaaaa!!!

Have emailed Sarah to find out whats happening tomorrow, last mail said she was going to stay in GY to shag sexy Simon if i intended to stay in Friday night!!??!

Ah go on then

I am being pressurised into doing a blog, and as James has done one I suppose I should too.

Thursday - Gay night
I went into Leeds for a change, with Becky, Guy, Kathy and Ellie. Within 5 mins of being in Queens Court we were forced to dance, sober as it was the only space free. Ellie had a face like thunder and within half an hour was on her way home cos she was tired. As it was busy we thought we'd get into Mission early (10:15). Well I have never seen a queue so long, and it certainly wasn't a queue of just wrongens. We obviously looked really attractive as we were picked out to be VIP-ed in. £3.00 to get in and £1.00 a bottle (almost like Cleck prices). The night seemed to be over before it begun, I remember seeming Pip very briefly and then a lad called James who I got off with years ago, he gave me his number -ace. I will let me wait a while before I txt him. All back to Kathys and we carried on partying all night. Becky and I went to buy some cider at about 7.30 am and the woman behind the counter didn't even bad an eye lid. They must be all alcoholics in Bramley. I went to bed late morning, only to be woke by Becky saying I had to get up. The mattress I was sleeping on was being changed. What? On Easter Friday, it could only happen at Kathies, it's like being in a bus station which random people coming and going. Anyway, gave Guy a lift in to Leeds and I went home to bed.

Friday - Cleck
Already been blogged by Karen, Matt and James, so I won't bother. But yeah James I do have lycra pants, so look forward to the invite of a bike ride!!

Saturday - Dr Who
Stayed in and watched Dr Who. It was Ok, but next week should be better as they are supposed to be more alien type things. It wasn't as scary as I remember, but I was a little shit the last time I watched it.

Sunday - Harrogate
Went out for dinner with Ellie, Becky, Guy and Emma (from work). We all stuffed our selves and then had an afternoon and evening of drinking. I mainly drank shandy as I didn't feel like getting in a mess, although I managed a couple of cocktails as well.

Monday - Chores
Drove back early, did the ironing, cut the grass for the first time this year, went for a walk and slept. Ate Easter eggs!!!

Ace x

You've read Karen's version: this is mine

For most of my weekend see Karen’s blog of 29 March at 11.08. No point me repeating what she’s already written but she missed a few small details.

So go off and read her blog now (http://lagertops.blogspot.com/2005/03/carcrash-literally.html) and then come back and read this.

While we were in Selfridges we were mincing around the menswear department and who should I see in the corner of my eye, behind a counter, but Chris, the cute 23 yo who caused me so much trouble on 9 November (Blog passim) I pretended I was looking at nasty jumpers for a gift for Warren but I was seeing if it was him and all of a sudden I turned round and it was him. I said hello, he said hello, he smiled, winked and everything which I thought was rum indeed!

After dinner (which I thought rather unexciting) we went to Churchill’s and ended up sat next to a group of lesbians which seemed to grow like cancer. It started off with about three, then six and then millions of them. To develop the oncological simile a little further, if they were the tumour, we were the healthy tissue being squeezed and starved of nutrients next to this growing mass of badness. And then as if in injection of chemo had just struck home, they all disappeared. I reckoned that their cats needed feeding but Karen didn’t like this as on that front she’s a bit dykey herself.

I did a bit of singing, Karen waited till she was a little tipsy but given her Alzheimer’s, she needn’t have worried. She went to the loo and I asked her to come back with the karaoke book and when she got back somehow the words karaoke book had transmogrified into the words “two pints of Kronenbourg”.

Anyhew, after the lesbos had gone, we shuffled over to the sought after corner table and that’s where it all began. As well as the Chinese Banzai man with the glasses that knocked Deidre’s glasses into a cocked hat and poor little Alex who as well as paying Karen to be his friend kissed me on the lips and forced me to have a drink of his coke and vodka, there was another weird guy who looked like an oompa loompa from Willy Wonka – no actually more like an operative working for a James Bond baddie as he was all in orange. He kept dancing in front of our table and at one point started dancing with Karen as she came back from the bar. She stood there with a pint in each hand as this man rubbed and grinded against her as she shook her head like a disapproving teacher.

And then Chris came and sat down next to me. First we talked, then he started lighting my cigarettes, then he started pretending to whisper in my ear while actually kissing me and then fondled my groinal area.

Poor Karen was getting a bit drunk, getting off with a man with pubes for hair and jeans paler than Aporrait’s Levis. He was on top of her while she was on her back prone on the banquette. I realised we’d have to leave soon and just as we were about to go I said my goodbyes to those around us and Chris suddenly dragged me towards the toilets but thankfully was hampered by the number of people about and the staff who were popping in and out so we just snogged in the foyer outside the bogs before he tried to make me stay a bit longer by making me feel his hard on. Anyhew, I had Karen to look after so I went home with her … more’s the pity!!

I did not ask Karen to do her cumming face, I just asked her to do an impression of AP for my mum as she’s so good at it.

I was crap at singing on Friday. After the success of Thursday it was just the down to accompany the up but I shamed myself by singing songs I can’t sing and it was rather embarrassing. Warren drunk all of my beer and cleared up the mystery over why he never rings, he does (or so he says ) but never leaves a message. The little bugger (I don’t believe him of a second). Went to the Station which was the same as ever. Sang a bit better there. Then went to the Regal.

I hate the Regal. I don’t mean like MJ who has spent the past 10 years saying he doesn’t like it and that he only goes in there for me/Vicky/Sarah/Lee but really does like it. I hate it. The music is too loud and far too “urban”, there’s never anywhere to sit, the toilets are foul and you have to pay to get in. Why not just go to the Malt and drink there till 2 and not have to pay – and they have karaoke. Karen says people go to pull but I have never pulled there and probably never will so why do I go. It’s cack.

Got Karen to try my chicken bhuna in Mucky Joe’s she liked it so perhaps not she’ll start on proper curries not that goat stew that she normally has.

Saturday, cooked Spaghetti Bolognaise, went to Skipton, bought 5 Easter eggs (for mum, dad, me, Warren and Caroline), and a pan and a knife and a christening present for Olivia for next week. Then went to Harrogate. Had a couple at the club, spoke to Spuggles and Hayley and when we got home Uncle Brian and Aunty Judy were there. Then we had our Pasta which was lovely and that was about it.

Sunday – did very little, went drinking with Warren and Caroline, went home for the dinner and was out again 45 minutes later. Struggled to keep up (but I’d had 6) but was OK. Nobody was up fo much – most of the cricket boys inc Liam and Danny went to Halifax, Warren and Caroline went home as did some others including, famously, APorrait, Hayley had already gone home, Mark, Jean, Rachel and Dean were in OB’s so it was just me and Karen and Spug. After the AP event Karen wasn’t in the mood and so we went home after a couple in the Old House. I wanted to be out longer than that but no. Even my mum complained that I was home early. I don’t know – these Cleckheatonians are crappo.

Monday – went to see Alex and Jill with lil’ Alex’s card, had some fish and chips, came home, went shopping, spoke to Karen about AP, went out had 2 pints and was in bed by 11.

Another bank holiday weekend bites the dust!

candles are dangerous.

my easter was shite. but.

nearly set the house on fire yestarday , obviously it wasn't all my fault....... was burning a candle to make my room smell nice, one of those in a tin, thought it would go out when it burnt down, oh no be warned the whole tin sets on fire, had a little giggle as was having a cauldron fire in my bed room was wondered if i could toast marshmellows, when the flames started to get bigger (i got scared) but i was a girl guide i could cope, so threw a glass of grapefruit juice at it, glad i was stood well back, better effect than petrol! anyway smoke alarms going i'm stood staring at a this glass in disbelief , explosion died down but ,flames getting higher. panic!!!!!!! went to get a wet towel out of bathroom came back all gone like a bad dream no fire just bedroom of smoke amazing all that remains is scorched walls , marks on ceiling and an empty glass.

and, sexy simon has also asked leanne out! how shit are men really do they think friends don't talk, was dead apologetic offered to bring flowers and chocolates told him to stuff them, he'd left a crate of beers the day before so i drank them instead then went out and got really drunk, so i could abuse him at 4.30am like ya do with a million text messages . now decided two can play at this game so bring it on... my plan to shag, use and abuse simon whilst in sunny yarmouth and to shag richard, pea grower whilst at home, hahaha

will probably make me even more miserable,

role on the weekend and happy cleck!

Forgive me God, for I have sinned on the sabbath weekend.

What a feking bank holiday!

Thursday
As soon as I finished work, me and the wife called in at Makro to get the biggest bottle of vodka money could buy. We found one so big the lables were on upside down cos it was meant for optics in bars. It was meant for us more like! Oh and a couple of bottles of wine too.

Did a quick stop at our friend in Chapel town to get some pills, then went to pick Melissa up (known to her mates as 'cheeky' cos she is a twin like the cheeky girls and also a cheeky little bleeder) Cracked open the vodka and left the house for Mojo's in town absolutely arseholed.

Got free shots at the bar and drug fuelled random conversations with various long haired wannabe rock stars. Went over the Jakes bar and grill where I pulled a dodgy man from Denmark. Thought he was well fit, but turned out he wasn't.

The wife couldn't stand up unaided, Melissa was speed necking with random (even though she has boyfriend now) and I was talking the face off of Denmark. Decided to go home. Denmark came with us; we stayed up snorting e's and drinking huge Vodka. Didn't sleep with him though as it was the time of the month and as I came round, I realised he wasn't that fit. Had no sleep what so ever. Threw him out in the morning.

Friday
Felt RUBBISH! Was crawling round the floor when the wife suggested us 'lumping on'. I reluctantly got ready and we paid chapel town another visit.
Got more coke and pills and headed into town for 2pm. Met up with Polly (or 'Jolly' to her mates, mainly cos she's a recovering manic depressive and is often not so Jolly) went to Normans where cute bar man Matthew ran around for us giving us table service. They actually turn a blind eye to our drug use in there as we spend so much money and also cos the whole establishment is run by coke heads. My friend Chimp came in with fit boy I’d never seen before in tow. Cos I was so wasted by that point and feeling a bit confident, I sparked up conversation and asked him if he wanted a line in the loos with me. Wife was already sucking Chimp off in the loos. Nice! Jolly went home. Ended up kidnapping Chimp and young boy (Sean) back to ours. We got more wasted on big vodka and stuff. Ended up in bed with boy drinking and talking bollox. Again, as it was my time of the month I couldn't have sex (pah! So wanted too! He’s beautiful and Irish with green eyes and dark hair) told him though that I don't sleep with people I'd just met. Never said that before so thought I'd give it a go! Didn’t realise that Wife had already let it slip to Chimp that his mate wouldn't get laid cos I was 'on the blob!'
No sleep for a second night running. Boy promised to call and left with Chimp in the morning for work (unlucky).

Saturday
Oh my god, my insides were rotting. No kip or food in two days. Not big or clever. Spent entire day in bed watching shit telly and reading crap magazines. Sacked off hair appointment at Toni & Guy and lunch date with Lilo. Still couldn't sleep. Finally got my shit together and went to Bibis for dinner with the wife. Ate half my food as stomach had shrank to the size of a peanut. Lost 10lb's though! Bumped into all Toni & Guy girls who bollocked me for not showing to appointment! Food wiped me out and finally fell asleep at 11pm cos all the vodka had gone.

Sunday
Cleaned the crack den that was my house from top to bottom. Chilled out for a bit then got ready for mates joint 30th birthday, which was at Room restaurant in town. Don't get me wrong, I love Banksy and Si, that was the only reason I went, but the rest of the pretensious dicks get on my nerves. It was like land of the beautiful. Fit boys and girls all air kissing and coked up. Didn't eat much of the meal and just got on it again instead. Chimp took the piss about me fibbing about being whiter than white to Sean and not doing first date sex. Ate a few pills and had a dance as mate Tom (fit as fuck) was Djing. Left at 3am.

Monday
Arrived at the after party which was at Northern Lights straight from the restaurant. Popped more pills, danced more, perved loads at the pretty boys, bought more coke. Mate Clanger turned up in full Spanish bullfighting attire. It was gold and sequined. Was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Met the Toni & Guy girls again and we all bundled into the loos for a line. As there was no toilet seat Farida put it on the end of her keys to snort it. That was the last we saw of the door keys. Left with slimy Joe and his slimy mates to his posh flat in Headingley at around 7.30am. He tried it on with both me and Farida. Rang for a taxi home and realised had no keys so had to stay in slimy Joes bed. Slopped off with no kip at 10am. Hung out at Jolly's all day in last nights clothes waiting for Damian the lodger (Andy moved out) to come home from Bradford. Finally got in house at 8.30pm after blagging a lift with Rich my ex.

Tuesday
Feel awful and my throat is all swollen. Shivering at my desk and need food! Just text the Toni & Guy girls to see if they've got my keys...

Carcrash ..............Literally

My bank holiday

Thursday.
Set off to Matt's at 4ish and was really early, met him in the centre of Manchester, we parked the car and went to Selfridges for his Mum and her pal some eye cream and then to M&S for some pasta, cheescake and a few other bits.
Got to the flat (luxury appartment) Matt prepared pasta with chicken, mascerpone and tomatoes (which was WELL NICE) while i ironed his shirt.
Hit Canal street and found a table (the 1st of 3) in Churchills, WHAT A NIGHT!
We seemed to attract every friendly freak in the place, randoms being......the man from Banzi, Alex who paid me a fiver to be his mate who linked arms and camply said "tell me your story", Darren the JCB driver who threw me on the longsaddle to snog me, the blind man and his chap with the mohichan, Bret the dancing black man, the evening ended 9 pints later with Matt in the loos, having had his hand rammed down the Karaoke mans boyfriends pants, me being blind with the drink, walking back home moaning about my pink shoes rubbing me........hit the sofa at 2am, Matt confiscating my mobile so i couldn't txt AP........he Txt James back for me coz i was struggling to be alive.


Friday.
Matt was singing "que Sera sera" in his own words, wearing stripy pyjamas looking uncannily like Ronnie Barker in Porridge. This was all happening at 10am.......Shut up Matt i don't do mornings, layed under my quilt refusing to move until my coffee had gone cold, Matt was chuntering "come on we need to get a wriggle on".....he made bacon butties and i ironed him another shirt.
Set off home and called at Matt's parents and met his mum who was lovely, had a quick coffee and a chat, Matt told his mum her hair was green and told me to do my AP cumming face (as his mum had known Andy for donkeys years).

Got home to starving cats and tried to get some more kip, to no avail.
Got up and went to Marlos, random siblings were doing the following, Ruth was pulling a suitcase on wheels down Whitcliffe road to stay at Marks for easter. Steven was drinking Champagne on his own that he's found whilst tidying his bedroom.
Went to Moorend fisheries for me Steven Marlo and Jims some tea.

Home and ready for 7pm, met Hayley then wandered to spoons to meet Matt and James. MJ didn't turn up until 8.45pm......he is rubbish!!!
Matt wanted to sing, how unusual????
So we went to the old house, soon to be joined by Caroline, Katy (hiya Karen) Claire and all their clan, then Tina, Beth and Jo.
I was tired and didn't really perk up all night, still i managed to sing Flashdance.

Matt, James, MJ and me went up to the station to join the girls, AP was in there, i nearly fainted. Dean Worrall was mullered as usual, Had a quick chat with Andy and a couple of stolen kisses! "sorry for being sick in your bathroom Karen". "Yeah, i'll take you out, just give me a couple of weeks to get some money together".He tried to leave by the back door so he didn't have to kiss me again in front of his mates, it was locked.ha ha ha....... L is for Loser!
He went for chinese, i went to the regal with my collection of puffs, where we danced and drank and all was well with the world.
Oh yeah, i did a bit of D.J.ing and snogged a very sexy boy in a red checked shirt, who knew our Steven.
Me and my puffs went to sloppies, Hayley and Beth were sat on the pavement (i think they were having a rest from busking).
MJ and James walked home together and Me and Matt shared a taxi.........coz we're fatties!


Saturday
This is getting tiring now!
Set off for Sugden towers at 4pm, called for a metcalfs pork pie for the journey and arrived safely in Buxton at 5.30pm. I'm saying safely as driving over the tops to the peak district, you couldn't see a fucking thing it was so misty.
So my little heart was beating a little fast, especially when i pulled up Chris's drive and promptly crashed into the concrete gatepost.....doing at least a grands worth of damage to my brand new car. Oh fuck!!

Had a lovely stay as always, gave the girls dollies and stuff, gave Chris his 4 chandeliers, read the girls bedtime stories.while Chris and Rhian were smoking a big fat reefer on the porch, then we all had a Caesar salad with warm chibatta and new potatoes with countless bottles of wine.
Sat at the dinner table and laughed and laughed till i'd cried all my make-up off.
Rhian retired at 11.30pm, Chris and i got wellied, him on Bush me on wine.
Chris had a whitey (that's what you get having 4 joints with no tobacco in them).
Bed after 1.

Sunday.
Awoke at 6.30am to Olivia "i've been sick in my bed".
Did not get back to sleep, so after several coffees, lunch of Pasta and of course the treasure hunt round the garden that Easter Bunny had kindly prepared, set off home and had an hours kip.
Met Spug and Hayley at 6.30pm, then Spoons......Matt arrived at 7.30pm along with Dean and Rach, Grandad Mo was babysitting. Matt had been in the commercial most of the day and was struggling with his bitter. We were leaving for the Commercial just as Ruth and Mark were arriving.
Went through to the pool room, which was filled with Cricket players and their partners.

Had lovely chats with Warren, Dean Worrall, Bev and co. Andy just sat on his bar stool looking nervous. The emmotional fuckwit!!!!

After 4 pints or so, everyone was starting to disperse..it ended up just me, Andy, Spug and Matt.
Matt got another round, Andy didn't want one as he wanted to go home, so i got upset...understandably!!!
We rowed, he left, i did some swearing!

Then Matt, Spug and me went to the old house as Matt was still thirsty and wanted to sing.
Spug nipped to the bank and also called in Spoons to tell Ruth, Mark, Rach and Dean that i was upset and swearing as Andy had gone home!!!!!! NICE!!!!!!

Had 2 pints in the old house and cried like chunk out of the goonies again. That boy has a lot to answer for.


Monday.
Nearly there.
Did chores and shit throughout the day, phoned Matt to slag AP off.
Then Met Ruth and Mark in spoons at 8....... oh we laughed!
What a top night, it was like Sunday shandies only Monday!!
They're always the best nights and the cheapest, do you know for £15 you can have 8 pints, a pizza and get a taxi home.........BARGAIN!!!

Richard was in there with his mate, (that's Richard who plays for the 4th team, with the big nose, who i've snogged a few times).
He's a nice boy and is always kind to me, so when he was leaving i gave him my phone number and he's going to ring and take me out!!

Hooray i've pulled 4 men in 5 days......i'm so hot!!!

So fuck you right back Porritt, i don't want you back.

Tuesday.
Awoke at 5.30am, body clock and all internal organs now fucked.
Sheepishly told David about the carcrash, he ruffled my hair and called me a ninny.
Have just had a philpots lunch, have blogged, emailed James and Matt and am going to reply to Sarah, then maybe do some work.

GREAT DAYS!!!!

My first blog

As it's been the good old Easter weekend, yes, those of you who overdosed on chocolate, that's why you get the eggs!, I'll just talk you through my on/off weekend.

Friday Night : Planned to meet up with Karen and Matt and MJ- so wandered on my lonesome into Obediah's, only to bump into Matt sat with a pint, a fag and a friendly smile. Had a bit of a chat before Karen arrived and then Matt and Karen proceeded to have me in stitches regaling tales of peeing in bins, knickers on floors etc etc. We had a wander up to the Old House, where Matt did some great singing, must admit to have winced at the step's song though, was brilliant but not quite sure what Matt was squeezing to get those high notes. Karen did a number too, fabulous as always. Sat and chatted to MJ quite a bit, I was supposed to be doing Blackpool the next day and I didn't want to, so MJ was trying to get me to go cycling instead, as it turned out I could do neither, which was a shame, because I was hoping MJ wore lycra! I think we went up to the Station after that? some confusion over a woman claiming to be Karens Aunt and telling me Karen never shut up about me, turned out it was the wrong Karen, which worries me even more, who the hell's this other Karen and what the hell is she talking about me for?

Went on to the gastric paradise that is sloppy joes. Lot's of laughing, ribs hurting by this point and desperately trying to swallow the dry tikka I ordered, a feat somewhat similar to a spoonful of peanut butter if you have ever tried it.

Saturday: Got a call at 7am telling me my Dad had been rushed to hospital with a suspected (3rd) stroke, turned out it was, but like the one's before, only a very mild temporary one, thank god!! Still this really did mean I couldn't go to Blackpool, and I still never got to see MJ's lycra! Spent all night in front of the TV bored out of my tree, must have watched 20 DVD episodes of Will and Grace and The Golden Girls to alleviate my boredom.

Sunday: Ditto the above. Only now I had moved on to old Bette Davis movies and a plentiful supply of wine.

Monday: Oh the pain of it all, in my wisdom I decided to drive up to Ikea park and shop for Kylie cd's and have a coffee at Starbucks - all very nice if the traffic hadn't been so bloody bad. Managed it in the end though and got served by some hot, hot, hot guy asking me if I wanted milk or cream in my starbucks! Guess which I had......

Well that's about it for my first blog, and my easter weekend! Hope you all had a more fabulous one than I did, woe is me woe is me...............

The reason i blog so much

No one talks to me at work, they're all boys, they chat about sport, gambling, girls and wanking and stuff!!

They chat to me on a Monday morning to listen to my beer swilling/shagging tales, then they go off me.....sob sob!!

I'm not bothered, they're all mental anyway.

David has just eaten the following for lunch;

1 boots Chicken fajita wrap
1 tray of sushi
3 packets of crisps
2 slices of dairylea on toast
1 mr kipling easter bun
1 mr kipling mini victoria sandwich cake
1 banana
AND a slim-a-soup

He's now strutting round the office singing "if the lady wants a baby, i'm the cock of the north".

Mentalists, the lot of them.

Work is just a means to an end. There are lots of worse jobs out there, the man who served me outside Boots, Leeds city centre, selling baked potatoes..i wouldn't want his job....ooh no!
I wouldn't want Marlos job, or Tina or Beths, dying people and pissy knickers.
I wouldn't want Sarah or Spugs job, poorly children and aggressive adults, who smear poo up walls.
I wouldn't want MJ or Matts job......Excel spreadsheets and hard work.
I wouldn't want Suggys job, drilling folks teeth and inflicting pain. (i'll have his pay packet though).
I wouldn't want Helens job, performing surgery and anesthetizing people (again i'll swap pay though).

God in fact i wouldn't want any of your jobs.....i'm staying here.

I wouldn't dare be you!

There was sick everywhere

Here we are again.

Don't know where the weekend went, i blinked and missed it i reckon!

Friday erm....?
Oh yeah, collected my mates at the strike of 8 and we met Tracey outside spoons, because she wasn't fucking going in on her own.
We got a table and sat round, Hayley, Spug, Tracey, Beth, Tina, Me, Danny and his Mum Lynn, then James arrived followed by Ruth and Mark.
Noone had much to say only Lynn (Danny i wish you'd have a spray tan, them beds aren't good for you, i've had a spray tan, i'll be brown in 3 hrs, why don't you have a spray tan).
Danny bought his mum a 2nd pint, to shrieks of "oh Danny i can't sup all that". She then asked me if she looked different as she's eaten loads of nuts and raisins that week.......erm NO!

Turnstiles, i don't want any fucking test tubes..........they make me lose my memory.
Station, chatted to Ian and his mate who had also fallen victim to Claire.....oh heck.
Then talked to James, well shouted over the speakers, we chatted about not being promiscuous and congratulated ourselves on being good wholesome people, i think!

Had some gum, then up t'regal...... i was having a right good time, flitting around like it was my own private party, chatted to lovely James at the bar about evil James, then talked to Ady Garland, then Ian and his friend, danced loads and had just a couple of drinks, no memory loss......how good am i? Turned round and all my mates had left me and gone to outbacks, cheers!

Begged Ian to come for a curry, he wasn't budging as he's told his wife he'd be home at 1am.
Got outside, James was there with Danny and Lynn (i wish you'd have a spray tan our Danny).
Begged James to come for curry, he was having none of it, so snook in sloppy joes it was quiet enough for me to dine in. Table for one..........Javved (the usual my love?) "yeah, can i have 2 poppodoms please and some chango mutney?".

Poked my head round the door to A2B taxi's, different bird (as in not the one i'd fused the lights on....phew) home safe and sound for 1.30am.


Saturday........Carwash, working at the car wash yeah! then Tescos......boo! fucking hate shopping! Meg helped to unpack bags, begging for boiled ham all the while.
leisurely got ready and was collected at 7.30pm by Katy and a taxi driver to take us to the sports club, Daddy Spug was asking where the other 6 dwarves were sleepy? ha ha ha!!!
Had 2 shandies, Ap was in the other bar with Grant, Woz (who was wearing a frightening yellow shirt), Matt W, and some other rugga bugga randoms.
Spug was falling asleep after her mid afternoon bottle of malibu, so taxied to spoons, only had 1 in there as Tina, Tracey and Beth were in the turnstiles, left just missing Lynn, Paul and some other blokes. Fozzy played our request that we never asked for, chatted to Katy mainly about Grants drug smuggling, had 2 beers in there then back round to spoons to check on the men.

Andy was MULLERED, he was stood "wi lads you know how it is" but turned round to check i was still there 146 times........i went to the loo and Tina sat in my place to confuse him.
Spug, Tina, Beth and Tracey went to the Station.......Katy and i went over to talk to the men in blue shirts and red ties.
Grant told Andy about me weeing in the bin.....I NEVER FUCKING PISSED IN THE BIN!
Yep he was mullered alright "sorry Karen, sorry". Knew he was worse for wear as he was trying to snog my face off and put his hand down my pants in the middle of weatherspoons at 10.30pm in front of all his mates. He also asked me what i'd done that day 6 times.
He'd only had 14 pints, decided he'd be better in A&E getting his stomach pumped, he then piped up Grant better come too coz he's had the same.

Made the decision to take him home instead of the regal, bumped into Neil Jackson.
Told Andy that i'd been seeing his brother a bit when he was in Oz, "oh it's all coming out now" he said as he affectionately pushed me into the road.
Got him home where he followed me round the house like a lost puppy, fuck off i'm having a wee.
Made him some orange juice, he then rearranged the fridge wanting to know where the runner beans were kept. Chatted about our Easter plans, he was shrieking "my job's fucking shit i hate it". poor boy....told him i was off to stay with Matt (no Andy he doesn't live in London anymore).
Upstairs he lay on the bed fully clothed, he looked a tad queezy, asked him if he was going to be sick......"no, erm YEAH" he meant it alright, sprayed the entire bathroom, walls, floor, his shirt."sorry Karen, sorry".
Gave him a glass of water and went to sleep in the spare room.

Well i don't want to sleep with sicky boy!!!!

Being the caring soul i am, went in to see him at 6am, 8am and 9.30am to check his willy wasn't affected by his mystery stomach bug.....nope it was fine thanks!
He looked divine leaving at 10.30am with sick down the front of his shirt and tie scrunched up in his pocket, told him he looked gorgeous, he muttered you don't look so bad yourself, realised he wasn't kidding as i checked my reflection, indeed i did look like the bride of frankinstein, last nights make-up etched to my face.

Fuck it !! went back to bed for a couple of hours, then did my usual Sunday shite, washing, vaccing, Walked round to Marlene and Jims for Sunday dinner.
Fetched Steven from the golf club, he was arseholed and tried to climb out of the car while in motion around the roundabout in Robbertown.
Then tried to show me a new elbow dance he'd just made up to the "show me the way to Amarillo".

Home, phoned Chris and ended up crying with laughter, Thirza had been trying to stall him, to stay a bit longer after her bedtime story and had piped up "Daddy? in the morning can we, Erm......erm...turn Mummy into a turnip?" barking, barking mad family, Rhian came on the phone and wanted to know if i was free 8th May............NEXT YEAR, for her 40th.???????
Anyhow going over to the Sugden mansion on Saturday to deliver their 4 chandaliers that have been in my kitchen since the 1st week in January.

Settled down with cats and watched The last dance with Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez, which is quite frankly the shittest film i have ever seen in my entire life after Dead poets society and the Horse whisperer (haven't actually seen the latter but any film that involves whisering to a horse is bound to be bab).

family life

Hello everyone. As you all know i am now a dad, which is great.
Got the keys to my house on wednecday. Started laying floors and carpets on thursday. Found out the combi boiler doesnt work. Phoned solicitor told them to sort it out.

Friay much of the same.

Saturday went to bradford to meet my grandparents. Took some money out of my savings account for my new sofa. Then went to Starbucks for coffe. Ordered large latte, did'nt realise how large they were.
Grandad had a look round waterstones while me and granny chatted. Pre ordered Harry Potter which my granny kindly offered to buy.
Took them to see the house. Introduced them to there great grandchild.
Was going finish laying floor, but spug and rach aid they were going to take megan to the club so sacked it off and joined them for a few beers.

Sunday

Was up at 5 am winding megan and chnging nappies.
1230 pm no rest for the wicked, up to the house to finish flooring.
1600 Home cup of char, fag. time for a nap or so i thought.
1900 bathed megan rach fed her. now im showing her the wonders of email and the t'internet#
Watch this space

Mummy Spug was banging on the door

What the fuck, what time is it?
Slept in this morning, the alarm said 7am it was actually 8.48am by all the other clocks in the house, me thinks the battery might have died.
So i slept in the 1st time in years, when i was meant to be giving Spug a lift! I'm fucking useless, it doesn't ever matter if i'm late.........but be warned everyone, don't rely on me i'm rubbish!

Casting my mind back over the working week, for any gossip or exciting news erm!

Monday;On time for Spug a.m., p.m Chilli for tea,Matt txt to say he was out boozing and i was dead jealous, went to bed early to read, that was exciting!

Tuesday;On time for Spug a.m, p.m Fish for tea, Dean (proud father) and Hayley (proud Auntie) came round with a movie slide show of Baby Megan, Ahhh! bless! so we sat cooing over baby photos for just 3 hrs drinking tea. Luther kept standing on the laptop to switch it off as he wasn't getting any attention.

Wednesday;On time for Spug a.m, p.m called to see Baby Megan on the way home with more baby gear i'd hoisted from work, she is the most beautiful baby i have ever seen, Rach was positively glowing, apart from she said she was walking like John Wayne. Home Did my roots, pork chops for tea...a very pissed up Sarah rang, shrieking inaudibly about Sexy Simon date, drunk, Leanne, drunk, Easter, Drunk!!! again i was jealous, watched Life Begins and Desperate Housewives. Bed at 11pm to read.

Thursday;Collected Marlo and Jim for Dougies funeral, oh i cried, poor Kath. Marlene cried, Jim (of course) cried. So sad, went to the Whitcliffe hotel, lovely spread......funnily enough i couldn't face pork pies at 11am so i had 3 coffees and came back to work.
Had a banging head all day so left at 4pm, went home and called at tescos,stripped both beds, mopped kitchen floor, went to see Dr. Greenwood BP okay so don't have to go on tablets......whoopee!!
Put clean bedding on beds, which cats immediately needed to try out to see if the patterns to their liking.
Vacced hall, stairs and landing, then spent a good hour plucking, preening, fake tanning.
Tina an Beth called to see i was going out boozing for St.Patricks day (erm, that'd be no then, i'm a picture of sobriety,in my P.J's, practicing at being a WIFE).
Had a chicken Jalfrazi, pilau rice, naan bread a pint of milk and an egg custard (i'm so healthy), went to bed at 9.30pm to read.......and was woken this morning at 8.48am by mummy Spug, thank heavens she came round, i'd still be there if she hadn't woken me..........
Not that anyone here would notice my absence.


That's my week folks, so how sane i am!

We all know why i get a little tipsy of a weekend, if i didn't.........

I WOULD DIE OF BOREDOM!

happy st patricks day

I got all confused and celebrated last night so i'm suffering from the dodgy belly and black poo today. had an excellent night seen as its dole day on a wednesday all off yarmouths finest was out prob busier and better than a friday or saturday.
anyway started at 12 on the dot and finished at 2.30 after working the night before so having absolutly no sleep for 40 hours needless to say i was in a state.

anyway, got asked out on a date by sexy simon !! horay hooray !!flags are flying i'm in love already.. well what really happened was that i rang him and told him to take me out he said no cause i was pissed, then leanne rang him and told him he was taking me out (she scares me too), so he rang back and asked me out..
well it all counts in my book.

so came home happy dragged dan out of bed cause thats what you do at 2.45 am to your landlord when hes working at 7am but i had to tell him my big news , he soon siddled off back to bed though when he realised there was no murders or the house wasn't on fire after all.

i clean the house so he doesn't throw me out when he gets in even polished the cat. and now i'm hiding

oh well weekend starts tomorrow.

So a year on!

Who would have predicted the following scenarios.........????

Matt having moved back up North after all these years.

Dean and Rach having a family and being home owners.

Steven and Beth being an item.

MJ now prefers his Harrogate mates to us, sob sob!

Hayley has travelled as far as India with her work.

Spug finally in full time employment.

Ruth and Mark house hunting.

Aporrait having being all the way to Oz and back, now funny changed and ready for commitment.

Sarah still being in Sunny Yarmouth, but now has a new love interest...who is seemingly not geeky, skinny or ginger but goes by the name of Sexy simon, Hmmm we'll see.

Katy and Grant, match made in heaven.........that's all there is to say.

Tina arena still being with Karl after their ups and downs.

But who'd have thought i'd be in the same house, same job, same mates and shagging the same bloke???........erm everyone then!!!

Matt's Easter weekend last year.

So lets spot the changes folks;


Thursday, April 15, 2004
Easter weekend
Okay, so here we are. My weekend:

Thursday: not much to report, saw my brother's new house on Chapel St, its very nice, helped him put up some curtains but they dropped after putting them up and Warren had to redo the brackets by putting the bottom screw into the top hole, drill a new top hole and fill the bottom hole with polyfilla. Went to the quiz at the Wickham and we did OK, I even worked out the size of the sphere created by the volume of all the water on the planet: I worked it out using the following equation: ((0.71 [% or surface covered by H2O] x 2 [miles deep] x 4 x pi x 4000 [area of a sphere inc radius of earth] / the cube root of(3 / 4 / pi) [volume of a sphere]: I won £2!

Friday: went to the new Tesco in Batley and then the new Asda in Dewsbury. My parents fell out which is shit as they don't do anything when they are fallen out so I knew that my holiday weekend was destined to be shit. My mum hates it if I do too much with my friends "you only come up here to see you mates and you treat this place like a hotel" but if I leave time to do things with my parents and then they fall out I end up doing sod all all weekend which is a real bummer. I can sit and read the paper all day at home and not spend £40 on train fares.

Anyhew, Friday got decidely better when I went out in the evening. I arrived at the Obediah Brooke public house, also known as OB's, Obi Wan Kenobi's or Spoon's at 8 after walking down, nicked a bottle off MJW and sat down. There was also Harriet (aka Spug), Hayley and Karen. We bumped into Rachel and Dean at some point but I don't really remember when. Then Karen's gay brother arrived, he is called Stephen. Quite chunky but not really my type (too much forehead I think) but he quickly demonstrated that he was very good company and definitely worth one. I bought a round and then Karen bought another and we wandered down to the George, or Turnstile as it is known now. Now, they don't sell Stella so in there I had a San Miguel and later I asked for a Guinness but ended up with another lager. While we were in there, in the corner we were in there were 6 bummer boys, MJW, Stephen and I and MJW's friend Philip who turned up for a short while, Danny Boy, MJW's ertwhile dirty but very cute and young shag and the barman who was either called Ben or Simon. While we were in there I won two bottled of VK, one for singing very loudly and another for doing the splits (american style), some high kicks and a pirouette to some old crap by Irene Cara, I don't remember which. Then it was onto the Rose and Crown which is only called the Rose and Crown. I sang the Wonder of you and had a very quick pint as we only were in there for a few mins, although I did manage to tell Danny Boy that I wanted to shag him. Stephen and Karen did Burning Love (v1). Pip then went home I think and we went to the Station Tavern (or the Royal as I know it) and I had another couple in there and sang with MJW Your song while Stephen and Karen sany the same song again (v2). I think I made eyes at the cute DJ who Stephen said he'd got off with twice the lucky bugger!! At this point I licked Stephen (and I think other people's but I don't remember who)'s belly buttons and he liked it and I think it was at this boint I started acting like a letch. Anyway, then we went to the Regal, paid out £2 to get in, I bought some more fags and a round and we danced and I got gradually drunker and don't really remember what went on. Apparently I had 3 pints here and was hammered when we left. As we walked to Mucky Joe's (aka the Royal Kashmir) I told Stephen I wanted to shag him and I think I suggested that we had sex on one of the stalls in the market place but thankfully he said no. We had a curry (I had a Chicken Bhuna, but my chapattis and rice never turned up and MJW's rice turned up but not his curry!!) and then we all went home. I was still after Stephen and was convincing him that we should so it in West End Park but he said no. K and MJW got a taxi one way and Stephen and I got another the other way. I didn't get what I wanted from him but modesty and my gentlemanly morality prevents me from saying any more. I arrived home at 1.34 and fell straight to sleep.

Saturday was as boring as hell. Went to PC world with my dad, ordered a chinese and while we were waiting for it had a pint in the Bull's Head with my dad (who used to live there) and he went on about how it had all changed since 1969. Erm, that was it. What a great day.

On Sunday we went out. We went to Hawes which is 2 hours drive away. We were there an hour and then came back. I bought some nice cheese and some even nicer chutney and we had a cup of tea and a scone. Chicken for dinner (which was lovely) and then OB's for 8. Spug, Karen and MJW were there and after one we went to the George (another 6 benders, but 2 of em were different this time) and had another. By this time we had agreed to go to Batley and we did, I sort of hoped that Stephen would be there but also hoped he wouldn't as I felt as if I'd made a fool of myself on Friday. We went to Legends and got steadily pissed. Karen got off with Andy, Harriet with Dobby and not with the bloke who she said she was on a promise with and Matthew and I just got to stare at James and Liam, which wasn't all bad!! The frontier wouldn't let us in so we came home had a curry (no chapattis again!) and went home!

Then home on Monday. It was a good Friday but the Saturday and Sunday day was a bit uneventful, I wish I'd have gone to Brid with MJ and Karen now, but c'est la vie. Now all I have to do is book my train ticket for October!

I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get, absolutely soaking wet!

posted by Matt at 12:07 PM

Congratulations

Hope I'm not speaking out of turn by publicly congratulating Rachel and Dean on the birth of their Baby Daughter yesterday: Megan Coco, i do believe.

Anyhow, it's not really publicly, there's only us read this thing!

Eeeh "a little baby"............

Answers for Ruth

Why do women open there mouths when applying mascara?
To stretch the skin around your eyes.

Why do you shut your eyes when you sneeze?
Because the pressure can make your eyes pop out.

Does God exist?
I don’t think so. Those of you who think he does, prove it!

If so, why is there so much hate in the World?
Man’s inability to understand “other”.

Comic relief

Never mind Lenny fucking Henry, get down Cleck and have a good old laugh at us, trying to behave.

Friday, was acting like a pillar of society....Hayleys birthday night out, people present:Hayley, Myself, Spug, Tina, Beth, Tracy, Gemma, Joanne and Steven.
2 Shandies and 1 lagertop in Spoons, then what did i do in the Turnstiles, oh yeah......took my bra off for a £1 shooter and swung it round my head, then bought Hayley a pot noodle from behind the bar for her birthday, later took it back for a refund as we couldn't be arsed carrying it round town.

I am rubbish at drinking, these days.

Station, chatted to James and an old school friend of his, he'd met up with on friendsreunited, can't remember her name, but she seemed nice, was wearing lots of jewels and fur. Steven sang "my generation", can't remember what else happened, chewing gum, regal..........no rasta d.j. boo!!!

Saw Neil Jackson, bless.......he was on his own as usual, wearing Graham's jumper. Gave him a hug, then saw ah, did i pick the wrong brother? coz he was looking so sweet, he looked more than a little alarmed, said something about "we don't share women" then got his mobile out to phone brother in Newcastle. Hecky thump, ran away fast to sloppies with Steven and Spug, we all had a full curry each, Steven picked the same as me as he'd lost the ability to think for himself, Spug didn't want her naan bread, so Steven licked it and stuck it to my face....nice!

Saturday.....went to Marlos, Steven was in the front room giggling like a girl, he'd been counting copper but was having a lie-down, it later came out that he'd been at the golfclub, forgotton his locker key so played 3 holes in someone elses shoes that were giving him blisters, took himself back to the clubhouse for 7 pints whilst waiting for elder brother to finish his game.

Went shopping with Marlene and had a chinese for tea. Back in Spoons at 8, Got chatting to Rhodesy, "are you back with Andy?, he's a top bloke, you won't meet anyone nicer than Andy, why do you never go watch him play rugby?, i reckon you'll get married, this is Peter he works with Andy"..........belly ache, belly ache.

Escaped just in time,was telling Spug about going to B&Q to get Marlene some sticky strips for her work tops, Spug thought i meant dayglow stripes for her uniform.........coz they sell clothes in B&Q.........NOT!! Took her drink off her as she's obviously had enough!!
Beth and Tina arrived, we mosied round to the Turnstiles, were happily sat chatting about famous celebrity men we'd like to shag, when the biggest hum dinger of a fight broke out.
8 burly blokes onto one guy, so what did the lonesome fighter do? glasses one of the offenders right in the face, there was blood everywhere, broken glass (Beth even had some in her hair). Broken bottles, tables and chairs tipped over. Fozzy was screaming "security".
Bouncers were Wa na mi arse.
Thought we better go up to the Station to be safe, got there and Marks uncle Carl tried to get off with me, LUCKY ME!!!!!!
Steven Pickles banged into me, i ended up with Spugs malibu all over my face and down my top. Then he insisted on screaming over our shoulders while we were singing, so i gave him my mic and went and sat down to chat to James...de ja vue!!

Chewing gum and regal, very quiet, rasta d.j was back, Steven was in with Lindsay, Barrow boy was there with a new hairstyle and a bird. No AP,(he's probably sat at home on his bed, rocking back and forth over last weeks trauma) only a couple of rugby players in........other than that much of a nowtness!!

Left for a taxi with Tina and Spug, had enough time to show Tina the offending fuse box and have a nice rest.
Home for 1.30ish.

Sunday, thought i'd go see Whitter and give new car a spin, not seen her since November.........she was feeling too shabby for visitors.
So had a lovely ME day in the end, chatted to Mum a while, took Steven to the golf club, on my return, got collared by bugsy Bev (neighbour from hell), who gave me some out of date chipmunk feed for my bird feeders, fuck off you mad scarey bugsy fucking bitch!!
Bought loads of healthy food at Tescos, had a walk, did 3 loads of washing, watched love actually had a girly cry, then hired our Saw on DVD to watch last night...........eek!!
Also did loads of little jobs, you never get round to doing, like washing out my make-up brushes and sticking bits of border back up.

Woke up this morning from a vivid dream about a full grown Panda being up the tree in the garden, he'd gone when i drew back the curtains.

Gave Spug a lift to Leeds train station, to meet a monkey called Marcel (I think that's what she said) and was at my desk for 9.10am......... only a tad late........who gives a fuck??

home work

similarilites to blogging and having home work
if its not done you get done
if its late you get done
well my dog ate last weeks or i might have put it in the washer. will do better in future.
ever thought of being a school teacher????? everybody knows who were talking about.

I have that mischievous glint in my eye

I think there with be some carrying on this evening.

I can feel it in my waters.

I'm like an uncoiled spring.

Had a mundane couple of days and feel the need to let rip.

There's a party atmosphere in the office today, David is 50 on Sunday, he's off skiing, we've had a collection, got him a cross pen which I've spent all morning buying and getting engraved.

Then I shut myself in the kitchen and came out with platters of sandwiches, cakes and the like.

Who's golden girl?.........I'm so ace, I can't put a foot wrong, I am a domestic goddess, Husbands apply within.

David gave us strict instructions not to get him the stripper we got for Leigh's 40th, (the one with the spikey pubes).

70 quid for taking your kit off in the middle of the day..........mind you, you'll be able to see it for free, approx 11pm this eveing in the station tavern......

No 14 is in town.

Wedding answers

Well the reason Her Majesty the Queen is not attending the wedding is because the Windsor-Mountbattens are a religious family and regard the religious service as the wedding not the signing of a bit of paper in the Guildhall down the road.

I suppose this is fair enough, one will be a 20 minute ceremony using words from the Marriage Act 1949 in a niceish room in a nice building and one of them will be a ceremony using words thousands of years old over an hour long in one of the grandest gothic structures in the United Kingdom, amongst the tombs of dozens of kings and queens in a the oldest and largest residential castle in the world in the sight of God - if you believe in that sort of thing.

Nobody other than the two Wales boys and the Parker-Bowles children will be attending - I suspect a lot of this is actually to do with security. Technically anyone can attend a wedding and if you had HMQ and her entire family in a very small space and then permitted all and sundry to attend, its like giving the red button to Al Qaeda.

Hope this answers the question.

Next.

Huddersfield here I come!

So tonight we're frequenting Huddersfield with a group of Mark's friends - only 1 female for me to chat to but I'm not worried as I have Sharkeys cocktails to look forward to!

Last weekend was boring as per usual - nothing exciting happens in my life anymore - not like Karen's anyway.

Friday we went out after work with Gary, Rachel & Jody. Jody spent most of the evening explaining how her mum was moving to Bridlington without her and she needs somewhere to live - oh dear! Poor girl's only 16!

Rachel's dad turned up and was extemely rude so we were grateful when he left and could continue guzzling pints of lager! I lurve larger - shame i have the beer belly to prove it!

Myself and Mark went home to get ready to go out drinking with the delightful Zoe and Alan - NOT! TW*TS!

The night started ok apart from the fact that Mark had no money and the only reason we'd gone out was because he supposedly had more money that he thought - cheeky!

Told Zoe that he had no money and she relayed the information to Alan who was acting childish anyway - so much so that when I'd decided I'd had enough and made the excuse that me and Mark needed to talk (with a few tears to make it realistic) he freaked out like a spoilt get!

Got home and Zoe was texting asking if I was ok which was nice of her then Alan text saying 'I'm so f*cked off right now. You made us come out then you p*ss off home!'

I've had enough and decided that Zoe is my friend not Alan so in future I'll be going out alone with Zoe to avoid him being a tw*t!

Moving onto Saturday - went into Dewsbury to buy Mothers day cards and Tracy's 40th birthday present. We ran into our ever so friendly cousins Jane and John - looking extremely attractive with teeth missing and limps! Oh heck!

Saturday night we piled in Karen's new shiny car to go to Tracy's 40th birthday party. When we arrived Tracy was already on her way and Martyn was playing the host with the most.

All very good, polite conversation when the adults were in the room - then lots of swearing and giggling when they weren't. Tracy got her dad and Jim to neck flavoured vodka shots which was highly amusing as Jim normally only likes to neck bitter!

As the night went on the guests started to dispurse (including our Martyn who was tired and drunk so went to bed with guests still downstairs) until there was only Tracy, Mark and myself left up.

Ripped my poncho and skirt in my drunken stuper - was asked ridiculous questions by Tracy's daughter and friend like 'Why won't the Queen go to Charles' wedding?'

If only Matt was there - he would be able to answer sensibly - I just said she doesn't like churches so shes off for the p*ss up after! Thought that was a good answer after 5 shots and a crate of Carling!

Left at around 2.30am in a taxi that cost £9.00 - bargain from Mirfield and straight to bed!

Sunday - Mother's Day! Nothing more to say as we didn't go out as we had no pennies.

I'll be sure to let you know how this weekend goes as I'm backover at Martyn and Tracy's tomorrow night for party number 2 which has no relatives or children! I can see a carcrash coming on! xx

The News at 5.45

Hello I'm Peter Scissorhands. Do you remember the news at 5.45, that's going back a bit. I emailed my stalker today and surprise surprise his email address doesn't exist. Someone has been winding me up - the devils! Hardly a surprise, but still marginally disappointing, especially when combined with the fact that the fit, handsome ½ Italian lad I was chatting up last night gave me a fake email address too (sob, sob) to coin a phrase spoken by a gold coloured camp robot 28 years ago, "I seem to be made to suffer. It's my lot in life". Boo hoo!

Anyhew, you can't accuse me of not blogging. I have blogged over 3500 words this week (which is a bit sad when you think that my report on the Contraction of the Bovine Fallopian Tube at university had to be 7000 words long and that was documenting 6 months work and I have written half of that documenting two weekends of drunkenness.

Welcome James, the more the merrier, you won't know this but I blog on a different blog, its the daddy of this blog but Karen got all upset when she someone said nasty (but funny) things about her so started up this one. And then Rich stopped blogging so it tends to be just be which is a little dull (unless you're an imaginary Somersetian called Darren). You can read my bloggings here.

Pebble Mill at 1

Thursday 10th March

News just in:

Hayley Jane is 27 yrs old today.

Matt S. is now in receipt of his stalkers email address.

Ginger has received his prize chupa chups lollies.

MJ called at the cottages last night for 2 pints of tea and an egg custard.

Meg informed MJ of being manhandled like a handbag again by Ap the previous evening.

The jews have been playing the card game mythical all week and have gambled more than my years salary away.

Rach is going in on Sunday for a firecracker up babys bottom.

Welcome James to the blog, hope you post many posts.

Tut tut to everyone who hasn't posted this weekend, you know who you are.

Steven has now fully recovered from his drink and drugs binge in the Dam of Amster and was last seen wearing his 4 favorite jumper, lying on the sofa clutching a 3 wood.

Katy and Grant are departing this weekend for sunnier climes, Katy is taking 2 suitcases, one filled to the brim with lucozade tablets.

Oh yeah i'm expecting another phone call from AP anytime between now and 2007.

So that's the 1 0'clock news and it's weekend eve.

Hooray!!!

Good ole' Brittania!!

Well, kind of realised probably not a good idea going on holiday with your folks at 26, but cos it was paid for (yes! my mum got me a holiday instead of a size 16 nightie/key board stand/ gorilla feet slippers this year for xmas, happy days!) was kind of reluctant though cos we don't particulaily get on.

She has bought a 'holiday home' in Florida. Was really excited cos we had to get up in the middle of the night to get the plane! Mum in track suit, Step Dad (lurch) sporting fanny pack and shit sandles ready to jet off to the U S of freekin' A!!

Not much to tell, no bars, can't smoke anywhere and the vison of my Mum and lurch doing their best Pammy and Hoff impressions at wet and wild will haunt me forever.

So, needless to say, even though wheather was cracking, I was itching to get trashed with the wife as soon as I got home....

Landed at 6am jet lagged to fuck. Got in and woke the wife. We had Sunday dinner (?) then she got out dessert...big bag of coke. We bought wine and got trashed. Made it into town where we bought e's from dodgy randoms and sat in Normans with the families gurning like good'uns!

Drank copeous amounts of vodka, met new mates that gave us free drugs, all before 6pm! Finally went with new mates in tow to Hi-Fi night club. It was rammed! Sunday's are the new Saturdays! Farida blew it with one of the guys that she fancied as she tried to kick him up the arse and landed slap on the floor in all the booze and fag ends. I was dirty dancing with a chav, all wrong.

Left with black guy called Pete for Space nightclub. Finally got home at 4.30am. At desk for first day back at 8.30am! Didn't have any kip for 22 hours. Not big or clever.
Was so fucked when I got dressed for work, I forgot my coat and had the most random phycho outfit on ever.

I love England!!!!

Hello Peeps

Hiya y'all

Just blogged the biggest blog I've ever blogged. Go see

Ginger boy: Are you not a dad yet?

Karen: Not a look

Emma: How was your holiday?

MJW: Why do you never blog?

It could only happen to me (not for the squeamish)

So Andy phoned last night.
This is a massive deal, a huge step.
"have i left my sunglasses and stuff there? right i'll pop up if you're not doing owt!"
Aaaahhhhhhhh.
1/2 hr later, clean p.j's on (no toothpaste down the front)i'm casually ironing when he turns up.
It was fine, we had a beer and chatted for England.
Australia, new car, his new job, what i did at the weekend?,families, rugby, work, Matt, Tog 24, ironing,did Spug take her residents to the Witherspoons?, allsorts.
Till i blurted out "shall we have a shag?".
Response.......Yeah, can i just check the football scores 1st?"
Doh!!!!!

So it was lovely, quite possibly one of the nicest ever.
All finished, i was positively glowing...........Until he leapt off the bed and yelled....
"what the fuck...............eurgh!!!!!!!!!!"
Realised i'd just come on...........and it was everywhere, all over his manhood, his hands, i mean everywhere!
I could have fucking died, made worse....by his Screaming "what is it?"

Calmed him down, the poor boy! think i've scarred him for life.
Went down, he was watching the footie like nowt had happened!!!

Until he piped up "suppose, you're going to be moody now for the next few days, now you're on?"

I never pissed in the bin

Matt is saying i did, but we've already had this out, i pretended to do it but actually went in the toilet cubicle when it became free.

I'm not saying anything else till my brief arrives.

Maisie's better, she was back to her old self this morning.
reckon she was fannying as it was Monday morning, probably didn't want to go to work (being a pit pony is tough in this day and age).
She managed a bit of tuna brine last night, but still didn't want to play out....i was so worried!
Shut up Karen, she's a cat damn it, a cat.

Slept 10 hours last night, well was in bed for ten hours.........slept for 6.
Feel on top form this morning and all ready to tackle another weekend, which is ........oh, another 3 days away!
Bag o shite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cleck weekends are so great, it's Easter in a couple of weeks too......oh bring it on.
"happy talk keep talking happy talk"...........
Went to white rose at lunch, it was alright.......saw our Carole.

its day 6 in the ginger boys house

Not been up to much. Had 3 days last week and got paid for them, because my company's shit and has no work.

Signed the contract for my house this weekend. Had to get spug witness us doing and got her to sign for the mortgage payments.

Had take away saturday night and stayed in with the folks and the ghost.

Sunday just vegetated in front of the telly all day. Then went to rachels house, where i was told i had brokenthe toilet handle. Ooops. Went to see my mum, thought i must seen as though the last time i saw her was boxing day. Then went to the pub to meet karen spug sarah and sarahs posh friend. Then off for take away and bed.

Still waiting for my lollies from karen.

oh and no still no sign of ginger boy junior or my bloody house keys.

How y'all doin?...

Got back from Florida.
Will blog all details tomorrow as too ill to do it today due to impromptue drink and drugs binge yesterday.

Baby Maisie is poorly

Poor Maisie, i couldn't even find her this morning, she was under the spare bed, looking very glum indeed. She didn't even want to play out yesterday and she won't eat or drink. Off to the vets if no better tomorrow.

I've just done in a mini Morrisons salad, with a boiled egg and a sausage roll and i don't feel any different.

Oh i was ill this morning, It started off a very pleasant day, all chores done went to Marlo's for Mothers day Sunday lunch cooked by Jim. Truth be told it wasn't very nice, but mustn't grumble, Steven was ill and ate his in his P'J's, Ruth provided the pudding and i did nowt, anyhow that Elsworth should have a health warning attached.........
Another nursey nursey was present last night Katy, she works with Sarah in Great Bluddy Yarmouth and was just passing or summert.

So i collected them at 5.45pm after picking Spug (i'm just nipping to the bank) up from the top carpark at the sportsclub, Sarah was calling me Nobba for the bovver we caused in the in taxi rank, so when we got to my house i put on AP's wig as a disguise, to venture back in to Cleck.

We got a taxi as it was minus 2 degrees, we called at the bank for not just Spug but the 2 nurses as well, then in Spoons we huddled in the corner with our lagertops to warm up.
The beer flowed and it flowed, i ended up in carcrash round with Sarah, Katy did a lot of talking to say she was new, Dean and Rach turned up later and Rach ate 48 packets of crisps for the baby.

On my 4th visit to the loo, i came downstairs..............no Spug! guess where she was? THE BANK!!!!!!!
Give me strength, MJW called in for a lime and soda (30p) on his way back from his parents, i worry about that boy, he stayed in Friday and Saturday night and actually described his weekend as being nice and relaxing, god isn't that what you go to work for?

I digress, so stumbling up to last orders Sarah's slurring at the barmaid, what can i get for a tenner? back she comes, with a tray of drinks......1 pint of stella, 1 pint of carling, 3 vodka shots, 1 bag of quavers oh yeah and 1 shot of LIME?
Nobba...........last orders were called, we dragged Spug off the bandit after she'd put all next months wage in.

Sarah, Spug, Rach, Dean and Katy all went for pizza.............i really needed my bed, so i just got in a taxi without saying goodbye.
£2.50 fayre and home, fell out of the taxi Bridgett Jones Stylee, then vaugely remember trying to coax Bev's cat in my house as i would make a much better parent.
Woke up this morning with an empty wine glass at the side of the bed and one poorly cat under it.
I feel rubbish and so does Maisie.

2nd hand mens Armani sunglasses for sale.............open to offers.

My mouths like ghandi's fucking sandal.
Sunday shandies? my arse.....8 pints of selected lagers, ranging from carling, fosters to wife beater....dush dush.

The hills are alive with the sound of.......... Horner rampaging round the street of Cleck as per fucking usual.

Friday
Kept my word, good as gold.......ish!
Met the girlies, Spug, Hayley, then Tina and Beth showed up at 9ish.
We sat in Spoons, joined by Jim for a short time, Danny came past and did some kind of brother handshake/wave at my father.......gutted. Next we watched the 9 second video on Hayleys phone of the cardigan swinging antics..........hecky thump.
Walked to the turnstiles, Spug running ahead to go to the bank. On average, Spug withdraws money from the bank about 28 times per weekend, which either means she draws £5 out at a time or she has a major drink problem.
So we sat down in the turnstiles and Tina and Beth chuckled about my fire, Lynn was in there with Paul.....why she goes to the same pubs as us at the same times we'll be in there is beyond me.......oh well.
Tina and Beth both bought me a test tube, which didn't have any real effect as i'd been drinking Cranberry juice earlier in the evening.
Went up to the Station, funnily enough Lynn and Paul were in there, me and Tina sang, even though i don't like karaoke any more, then i sang along to the Irish Rover without the words.

The regal beckoned, so we all had a piece of Spugs chewing gum, we do this every week, Beth was the one who spotted it. But without fail we down our drinks in the Station then we all have a piece of wrigleys extra........???????????
The regal was much of a nowtness this week, i chatted to the 2 4th team rugby players, Richard the one with the big nose, i've snogged him a couple of times in the past, mainly because i 1st thought he was Chris Rhodes. Anyhow Richard is nice he always offers to buy me drinks and is sweet to me.........so what did i do? told him all about AP that's what, so now he's not even a prospective future fuck buddy..i'm such a twat.
Hayley disappeared with Swamp thing, Steven showed up with Ricky Stead. Him and Beth did some courting on the dancefloor.
Me and Neil Jackson giggled about last Saturday, he said i had a very nice house and the sofa was very comfy for sleeping on.
Spuggy and me had curry, well i had curry Spug had 4 chips, so home and in bed at a reasonable hour.
Told you i could do it.


Saturday
Picked Ruth and Mark up at 7, drove over to Mirfield to middle brother Martyn, bird Tracey's 40th house party.
Had a very interesting time, Tracey was trying to get me to neck shooters as soon as i arrived even though i was driving, deary me.........i mainly just stood in the kitchen for 2 hours, there were a selection of older people in the lounge including Marlene and Jim.
The buffet was very nice indeed, i had one small ham sandwich a chicken wing and some pringles, which was plenty as i'd already had a piece of Stevens cold leftover pizza from the night before earlier in the day.

Set off back at 9.10pm and was on the outskirts of bindy wank at 9.20pm, Tina, Beth and Sarah were all in the car by half past and we sped to the Cottages, phoned for a cab and all had a nice glass of wine while we waited. Spug was chasing the taxi down the drive, we all got in and were at the Turnstiles before 10pm.
Had a couple of cidre ala blackcurrant, Jamz turned up wearing azure blue contact lenses...Tina later said, i'm dying to ask him if they are his real eyes...doh!
Up to the tavern which was chocker, we had some lagertops, it was too late to sing, thank fuck.
Chewing gum and regal, NOT ONE RUGBY PLAYER IN SIGHT.....oh glum glum glum.
Too sad to stay out, so had a couple of pints a half hearted boogie, decided Luther was the only man i could trust so left Tina and beth talking to Whiteman, while me and Spug (i'm just running ahead to the bank) and Sarah walked to A2B taxis, some blond girl was manning the phones while reading a book, ordered the cab and she said it'd be 5 minutes and went back to her novel, Sarah started fiddling with stuff as she can't sit still and i renouned for ripping up owt she can get her hands on.
So within 3 1/2 mins she's dragged the fuse box from the corner and opened it...........while this was all going on we decided we'd done fuck all this weekend to blog about, UNTIL.................
I tripped the fuse switch and turned all the electric off, so the 3 of us sat giggling in the pitch dark like naughty S. Trinnians, while blond bird was trying the tannoy thing "any car free in? any car free in?" Ha ha ha ha ha.

Sarah got 1/2 way home, while blond bird came over the radio, "i'm back thanks to the nice man for fixing the fuse Box"....drat. fucking do gooders, we would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids.

I'll blog Sunday after lunch.

It's that time of week again

I promise to behave this weekend.

I've got my new car, i am a grown up.

Popping into town tonight with Spug and Hayley.

Tomorrow off to a 40th, then meeting folk later.

On Sunday i will make Marlene proud by playing the dutiful daughter.

Yep that's my weekend sorted.
No carrying on, acting like a lunatic, losing my memory, sleeping with crap men, playing at d.j, bearing my underwear.........

Well we'll see..

Tie breaker

In the event of a tie, the winner will be decided by tiebreaker. In 15 words or less answer the following question:

Do these drunken antics take place every weekend, or is it just when I am home?

Seeing as though everyone else is at it...........

Not that I have much to say but I'll fill you in on my weekend!

The weekend went off to a cracking start - arrived at Spoons Friday night at 8.30 where we were ushered out into the cold without even getting a drink. Matt was very kind and gentlemen like and fastened his coat around my shoulders (with my arms pinned to my sides) Think he only did that so I'd let him flirt with Mark - the little tinker!

Off to the Old House at Home where Matt sang to Karen as always and we talked loudly for a while. I do remember Matt trying to rename me Ethel or Enid or something - Not Happy! Jimmy sat with us for a wee while being extremely drunk and Scottish. Then off to the Turnstiles.

Couple of shots to numb the pain of it being so boring then we agreed to go to the Station for the first time since Mark's uncle Carl was stabbed. Hadn't changed a bit only the beer was worse than it was before. Andy (I wear Thongs) was DJing and doing a naff job but no-one seemed to notice.

Keiron turned up absolutely blind drunk as per usual and stood talking computers/DVDs with Mark. I sat next to Matt with my cloudy pint and people watched. All the gayers were dancing away and Hayley was snogging some random guy.

Spug was dancing (I think) Tina and Beth arrived after the family party and sat with us. The rest is a little vague - in fact I don't remember seeing Karen in there! I do remember seeing Mark's uncle Mick all over his new bird - atractive!

Around 11.30 when the lights were back on we ventured to the Regal Bar. Lots of fighting took place and around 12.30 (Only reason I remember exactly is because of statement I gave to police) me and Mark left.

Didin't get very far though as when we got to the bottom of the steps some poor guy was smacked and a fight broke out. I ran (yes ran!) up the stairs to get a bouncer who belted back down the stairs to see what was going on. I tried to keep up with him but my dwarf legs and drunken stuper restricted my speed, I also broke the heel of my shoe in the process!

Mark played the Good Samaritan and rang for an Ambulance. They arrived - along with the Police. We gave our details then waited for 2 of the gang to come back out of the Regal.

In the meantime Matt came stumbling down the stairs and proceeded to flirt with the cops and thrust his business card in my hand telling me he'd vouch for my soberness (is that even a word? - Matt?)

Other people arrived out of the Regal including Hayley with Swamp thing - think I called him a twat or something?! Ooops! Steven was snogging Beth's face off. Don't remember seeing Spug or Karen! Oh heck!

Police left to arrest the lad that did it and off we went home without food and feeling sober - bah humbug!

Saturday morning was rudely awoken by 2 policemen banging on the front door. Gave our statements whih took over an hour - luckily our Steven was in bed at the time!

Went to Dewsbury with Steven in the van - 3 fatty's in the front seat - no-one would mess with us! Then to Peacocks with mum and Karen to abuse the 40% discount on clothes none of us needed! I bought girly clothes to go with my girly hair!

Family meeting left me feeling a bit giddy and sad at the same time! I'll survive though!

Saturday night went out with Zoe and Alan in my girly gear - Pack Horse first then down to the Regal for some dancing.

When we got in there and it started to fill up I remember seeing Karen giving Alan dead eyes then jumping on my lap. Steven shook Alan's hand and shunned Zoe. Then had a full conversation with Karen about how Andy was a twat and she was going to shag GJ to get her own back. She doesn't remember this! Oh well!

Went up to Zoe's when last orders were called and off home to bed - very dull night indeed!

Sunday even more dull - did nothing all day bar get told to withdraw our statements from the police as it wasn't Riley who was in the fight (bullshit) Still withdrew then though as we value our lives!

Then all of a sudden it was Monday again! Now it's Thursday and the weekend is just round the corner - Hoorah!

I'll blog again in another month! Hee hee!

I know all the answers

I guessed all the people who did the 10 things Sarah mentioned in the post below.

I'll jumble the answers up.
The 1st person to get them right and post this as a comment.
Wins 150 chupa chups

A.Ruth
B.Spug
C.Rach
D.Katy
E.Dean.
F.Karen
G.MJW
H.Matt
I.Karen
J.Steven

P.S if your names not mentioned, you are really dull and "i wouldn't dare be you".

its snowing hoorrah

Don't remember anything i did this weekend except wearing black socks, eatting, and trying push mushrooms down karens sink with her bottle brush, she was not happy! so nothing much to blog about .

however, then i remembered 10 thing i didnot do.

1. i did not swing my cardigan around my head and wee in the staition bin
2. eat pancakes and gravy
3. try to sell my two bedroomed house for £140,000
4. drink 12 pints and eat a packet of lucazade sweets to keep my blood sugar up.
5. get my dad done for been late home.
6. save 1/2 my aldos main course on my top for later
7. get off with a married man
8. be smuggly happy about been in love, having a baby or buying house (don't know if this one count though as i am jealous as.
9. try to even attept to do a handstand
10. wear a bobble hat on to cover hair cos it was a mess.

and after looking back on the events i did not do i am glad to be me and wouldn't dare be you!

Correction to karens blog

Sunday
we all went to the finest indian cuisine in cleckheaton and had curry, except sarah. who decided she was going to get scampi and chips. mind you wish i had that the way i felt on monday.

Hello

Hello everybody peeps.

Flashbacks

Hazey events that have just come back to me:

Ruth and Mark calling an ambulance for the injured Oz.
Matt vouching for their sobriety by thrusting drunkenl,y his business card into P.C plods palm.
Some fucker nicking my brolly.
Having my knickers on back to front (not my favorite ones though).
All the gayers sat cosily round a table in the station while i randomly swung my cardie round my head.
Someone breaking my girly clip.
GJ trying to get shut of me in the Regal (me having have none of it).
Hayley VIDEOING all of the events in the station.
Tracey egging me on, shrieking like a banshee "go on Karen lass".
MJ with my cardie on.
But being able to sing really in key with Mick Robson to "Kingston town".

Next Weekend, you won't be able to tell me and Julie Andrews apart.
PROMISE!

I'm keeping out of town,until I can behave myself

I have barred myself from all Clecksville watering holes.
I AM A DISGRACE!!!!!!!!

Friday i was very good indeed, me, Hayley and Spug sprinted to spoons to dodge the raindrops, Matt was at the bar with his Father.
We had a swift pint then moved to the Old House at Home when Jean and Mark arrived, as there was nowhere to sit in OB'S.

Graham was at the bar, having some post op lager and was basically wankered, i had a word over the txt thing,he was on exercise!!!!! he then hobbled to the toilet a couple of times in his school shoes, then he got a taxi home at 9pm.
Matt sang and was very good, i sang some non descript song for the sake of it and decided i don't actually like singing karaoke anymore.

Went to the turnstiles which was bab, Ruth and Matt bought a round of shooters.
Up to the station and chatted with Danny, his Mum (who's lived in the same house all her life) and Jamz....Hayley snogged some boy with greasy hair, tattoos and bandages(Matt thought he was fit), Tina and Beth showed up after some family party and before we knew it,it was midnight....
Up to the glorious regal, Hayley went off with swamp thing, Matt was slaughtered and was last seen running down the regal stairs on his tod saying he'd told his Mum he wouldn't be late (we later found out he'd gone for a kebab).
Oh there were 3 fights!
Steven was there with Ricky Stead.
I decided i'd go for a curry with Darren Whitworth, who didn't have his tie died shirt on, we were joined by Russell Noble and Spug.
Russell asked me about AP and the bottle throwing.
When we'd finished eating Darren went to the loo and Spug and Russ started snogging, it was the funniest thing i'd ever seen......then made funnier by Spug saying that's why we couldn't leave the regal with you and Darren (like they'd been having a passionate love affair for years).........oh we are such a set of drunken twats....
TAXI!!!!!!

Saturday, still reeling from the shock of the news broken at the family meeting in the afternoon.
Arrived at Aldos for 7pm.........MJ was at the bar, Katy and me had a lemonade, then Pino started getting tetchy about keeping our table as 1/2 our party were running late.
You should only ever be late for work , not socialising!!!!
Anyhow by 7.30pm we were all sat down, they had the nine of us, in and out within 1 1/2 hrs, that's starters main courses and wine.

I had my usual and picked at it, but had plenty of wine........yippee!!
We moved to the Whickham, Katy rang her man and a sportsclub barmaid turned up.

Grant said Andy had gone to Batley "wi lads", so i said he has 2 days to come for his Armani sunglasses or they are going on Ebay! (don't reckon i'll get much for the wig).
Ordered another shandy in the Turnstiles was very proud of my conduct until Sarah asked Matt for wine and he bought a bottle.............
More rounds of shooters.........
Slippery slide.............Downhill....OH HECK!

The following happened not in any particular order.

Swinging my cardigan round my head.
Stroking a lady with pony hair.
Handstands? Sarah catch my legs.
Taking my pants down.
Flashing my bra at Matt.
Taking the mic off the d.j and spouting some random shite.
Some say weeing in a bin.

REGAL...........i have no clue as to what happened.
The next thing i know, i am in my living room with Graham Jackson(who hada nice dayglo jacket on, remember the green cross code, Neil Jackson and Miss Elsworth was barfing in the kitchen sink.
Graham was taking his jeans down to show us his bandages, Neil fell asleep and i was mostly blubbing, like chunk out of the goonies.
Tragic tragic tragic.........

Sunday
Sarah had stopped barfing at 6pm just in time for yorkshire puddings and Sunday shandies, Rach and Dean joined us.
Horncastle pizza place was shut, so we had a sober sloppies which was rank.

Another weekend done and dusted, made it out alive again..........JUST!