Bull Shit Milner

BSM has been here for 6 hours, i can't hear myself think, rant rant rant, so and so's millions, gangs of the underworld, the night i spent in the slam, nipping, chipping, scushtying, THE MAN TALKS BOLLOCKS................he's not even on the payroll, he's sitting here using our phones for his own personal business, drinking our drinks, sharing our lunch, chainsmoking, walking around the carpark on his mobile phone like he's on Wall Street.........

Glad i got that out of my system, i really don't like him. Can you tell?

Anyhow you lot get bluddy blogging, just say anything, let us know about your bank holidays ya all!

Other days news...... Matt sent me flowers from Interflora through the post for being his china plate mate!.......... how good am i?? I know!!

Nowt else to report, glad the bank holiday is over, all that binge drinking out of the way, feeling bright as a button, food tastes different class......no AP around to upset me mid-week, just lovely job, pleasant home environment and fluffy little bunnies............hooray!

Steven coming to tea tonight in the garden, Marlene got me done today for not calling her back on Sunday, tried to explain really slowly that.......when the answering machine message says "off" she really shouldn't leave messages.

Oh blast, Steven has just phoned to say that it's lightening in Cleck, so we have to have food indoors at Marlene's as he has "allergies". What am i now meals on wheels?

Ooh yeah, watching DVD's in bed, rock on..........it's the future!!

The outfit

Since Emma has asked.
I am here to spill the beans.

The following is so NOT a look:

White/red checked shirt with big collars and chunky cuffs, with nasty silver cufflinks.
School shoes, pods, lace ups, size 8.
Mohammed pants, looked black from a distance, but from a certain angle they had an interwoven secret cheeky check.

Short cropped hair to cover up the fact that he is going bald!

GUTTED!

Them bloody Andrews

Friday was super........
No time for a disco kip, as the change of plan being we were eating at 6.45pm, to enable those people commonly known as parents to get home and tuck their little bundles of joy to bed, while us lunatics could go round town after our tea had settled and get rangooned.

Met the Spug at 6.30pm, the Vontrapp family turned up at 7pm, Pino had saved us a table for 7 people i couldn't quite work out how he knew 3 people from our party had blobbed (that bloody MJ and too early to eat, i'll only drink more and not be able to drink the next day).
Whatever!
Well it was lovely to see Simon and Dawn (1st time in 9 months) plus good to see Tim and Joanne again, eeh, little Sarah and her big brothers, how funny!
The meal was lovely, we shared a tomato garlic bread, i had melon, mango and prawns, 3 pieces of chibatta, then Spug and i shared a main course of Malibu chicken and fries, which was just enough, coz you never manage to eat your full main and i hate waste.

We also necked 2 bottles of vino, forgot to mention that!!! well the bill turned out to be less than £20 each plus a tenner left over for the 1st round in weatherspoons! hooray!
Bizarre being in spoons at 8.45pm, quite squiffy! had 3 pints in there, Gabe refused to get me a shandy as it was a puffs drink!!! so by the time, Beth, Tina and Jo turned up i was well on my way!
Tim, Joanne, Simon and Dawn went home at last orders, Sarah, Spug and I went to meet them 3 in the station, town was as dead as a dodo, Aldo's, Spoons, The Station and the Regal, nothing else happened, Tina was trying to get me to do a handstand (as if, i'm 36!!).

Didn't stay in the regal long, i was full as a butchers pup and had consumed, 1 bottle of white wine and 5 pints of lagertop, besides the fact I'd forfeited my teatime snooze, bed was a calling, Sarah and i shared a cab up and left those 4 looking for cock!
Bed half past the midnight.

Saturday was a v. random day, woke up early doors, had promised to take wee brother, to the tattoo parlour in Wakefield, so he could have "muvver and a big anchor on his forearm".
Collected him at 1pm, had a quick chat with Marlo, got into Wakefield at the wrong side as we'd gone on the M1 and not through Ossett, didn't have a clue where we were so drove around aimlessly for 20 minutes till i got my bearings, at last found where it used to be, well it was there in 1994 when Steven had his last bulldog and white rose.......Oh fuck, closed for business!!

Drove back, Steven sulking, had a fish butty and dropped him off at the Cleckheaton one, so he could book an appointment for this Wednesday to have his skin mutilated.
Set off across the Pennines at 4pm, got to Matt's flat at 5pm, spent a lovely 4 hours chatting, playing scrabble and eating yummy Indian food..........all was well with the world, until that Andrew phoned at 9.15pm, no seriously i didn't mind, i know how much Matt likes him and A. i really didn't want to go down canal Street dressed in my tracksuit.
B. It is a tad different if Matt sleeps in the next room to me and Andy.
C. quite fancied my own bed, i was just going home a little early.

So found myself again driving aimlessly about, this time being lost around Manchester city centre, went through Salford twice until i eventually found the M60 and headed for Leeds, goy home just as Ruth, Mark, Rach, Dean, Spug, Zoe and Alan were leaving the Turnstiles to go up to the Station, turned down Spugs kind invitation to come home while i changed into my dancing shoes, so was in my p.j's at 11pm Saturday night, alone!!
Phoned Sam thinking she might be pacing, nope she was sleeping...........so watched the crappest film in History and drank Sarah's rose wine she'd left last Wednesday, finally went to bed at 3am.


Sunday was woken by the phone ringing at 1.30pm, Matt was on his way back with lover boy and Ruth wanted to chat, realised i had just over 1 hr to get ready for Nicola and Carl's engagement party at the sportsclub.
Decided to not eat and just get my glad rags on, Matt picked me up in a taxi at 3.15pm, got to the club, ordered a shandy and went to sit in the sunshine, Matt wanted to tell me all about his night of passion with Bradford Andrew, we were joined by Katy, Clare and co, so we rudely moved and gossiped away until we were joined by Woz.
R Woz, little brother of Matt, had to lie through my teeth about the events of the previous evening as i was told to keep schtum!

So we chatted about Andy Porritts outfit, WHAT THE FUCK!! think his Mum had said, now then Andrew, what are you going to wear for the party?
I've put you a new outfit on the end of the bed, by George at Asda, i wanted to cry...........i can't even describe it as I'm far too embarrassed.

Anyhew, the party was lovely.........it was rammed. Very popular is Mr Carl. Mason and his soon to be lady wife.
Everyone sauntered indoors as the wind picked up, by the time 10pm had arrived,
the following events had passed, James Marshall tying a helium balloon to one of his bollocks, Carl doing the honorary yard of ale, Debbie crying over Michael Piper, Katy crying because none of the "girls" spoke to her, the outrage as Mick Collins started selling hotdogs and burgers on their special day, John Porritt doing a Stirling job of his off the cuff speech, Dave Porritt is now my new best friend and was grinning at me all night and had even being prising information about me out of Caroline.
Unlike his fucking cunting son, who had spent the last 7 hours ignoring me in the presence of his Mummy and Daddy.............REPROBATE!

So after they'd left i went over and asked him what he was playing at, this didn't go down very well, i ended up wailing on Paul Hemmingway's shoulder, hell if you can't beat em, join em!
Andy was mullered, we were all dancing a bit later on, when i'd finally found my handbag (panic over, flashbacks of breaking and entering weekend of past).
Matt suggested i wait till the lights came on at the end of the party to look for it, i fucking freaked, we are talking lost bag/life, ladies!!??!

Had harsh words at the end with AP, said it's a good job i loved him as noone else with put up with his moods and he's such a cunt!
Think he mumbled something about taxi and sorry Karen, sorry!

Matt then thrust a DVD player in my arms, all a bit wooley, home for 12.30ish..........row forgotten, attempted some horizontal jogging, couldn't quite manage as both blind with the drink,so did some giggling and snogging and went to sleep, thanking the lord that he'd taken his scary party outfit off.

Woke at 7am Monday,asked Andy to get me some water as he went for a wee, instead of getting the beaker from the bathroom, he chose to go downstairs and get a mug of water for me, you know,tackle out to scare the neighbours, Bless! spent the next 45mins forgetting that his bravado gets in the way of his feelings for me as he was well,acting perfect.

Fell asleep in his arms, awoke at 11am, when he'd just helped himself, let him and Meg out again at half 12, went back to sleep half smiling half wanting to rip his fucking head off.

Didn't get up while after 2pm, made a breakfast and did 2 loads of washing, had a lovely day planned as i fitted new DVD player in the bedroom Matt had kindly given me, was going to catch up on chores, watch Switch and have an Eastern spice.
Plan foiled!!
Matt phoned, he was in Spoons, the temptation was too much for me, got a wriggle on and went to meet him Woz and Caroline at 6pm, stayed there until 10.30pm, had a lovely day chatted for England, about all sorts of subjects, Woz and his margarine, work, mates, parents, bum sex, beer and fucking cunting AP, noone drew any conclusions to my dilemma, Warren said he was going to tell Andy if he didn't get his finger out soon, that he'd make a move on me, or even better that he'd "out" me to Gill and Dave and his Mum would talk some sense into him, the only thing that surprised me, was the fact that Warren never suggested i should just give up. AT ALL!!

Caroline dropped me off home, climbed into bed after emptying the washer and putting the towels in the tumble dryer at 11.10pm, slept till 5am and layed looking at the clock until 8.22am today, mulling things over in my mind, mainly a boy called Andrew, but on the upside if he's all I've got to worry about then life ain't half bad!

Karen is really rather good!!

Well first of all I have to say that Karen is possibly the nicest person in the world but let me get onto that later.

After my last blog I got the train home and met up with Doug, my ex-flatmate. We had a bit of a chat at home, then went to the Peveril of the Peak and had a couple of pints. We went to Croma and had a lovely pizza each and a bottle of wine and afterwards we headed Canal Street-wards. Now I knew that you had to take part in the whole gay pride festival but I thought that it was to do with the concerts etc. not just to do with walking down Canal Street, but no! We had to pay £15 to get onto the street. What a rip off. We went to Churchill’s and sat down next to the owner and he told me lots of things about the running of the pub including the fact that Mick, the karaoke man and general manager had gone off to Lanzarote to ”make it” there, leaving Chris behind for a year until he’s finished his studies.

So we hopped skipped and jumped over to Via Fossa for our next drink and to see young Chris. We had a couple in there and chatted to Chris who was looking fine. He was moaning that he was working till 3am and so would have to hand about for a couple of hours until he could get the first bus home. I offered accommodation chez moi and said we’d return to see him at 3am. We then went to Rembrandt’s and had a pint outside leaning on the Canal Wall watching everyone walk past – goodness it was busy! We then went into the New Union. We had to pay £2 to get in but By Jove it was funny.

It was very mixed and there were lots of straight men all over young women. Some poor fat lad was chasing a cute lat but was disappointed when the cute one ended up getting off with a girl. Then some other fat lad started chatting up the fat one but he didn’t want to know – it was all very amusing. The music was incredibly camp – to the point of being cheesy. Including “Around the old camp fire” by Little and Large and “The Court of King Caractacus” by Rolf Harris which were being mimed to by the drag queen hostesses and to our horror all the people in the bar knew the words and the dance actions. The campness continued with Girls Aloud, Cher, Whigfield and many more. I somehow was befriended by a pretty lesbian who told me that I should go to “University Challenge” the following day whoch was going to be the highlight of the weekend. She took some photos of me with my tie on my head like Rambo and before we knew it we had to head back to Via Fossa but when we got there Chris had already gone which was more than a little annoying.

Saturday, got up at 10.00 after only 5½ hours sleep. Felt like death. Work Doug up and we decided that we’d go to BHS for a £2.60 10 item breakfast but by the time we got there they had just stopped selling the breakfasts and we were bing ignored by the rude staff so I complained and stormed off in a huge huff. We ended up having breakfast in Bella Pasta and it was very nice. Wandered round the shops, had a coffee and saw Doug off at 1 4.00. I hot footed it over to Selfridges and M&S for curry for dinner. Karen was coming and I was buying ready meal curry stuff for her. Bought a DVD recorder too and laden with 2 heavy bags, a DVD recorder and the heaviest catalogue Argos have ever released, I went to get the free bus home. But the pride parade which was in full swing had caused most of the roads in central Manchester to be closed and so I had to lug my heavy shopping home. Once I got home I needed a dump and a fag equally so I had the fag on the bog. Very handy as you can use the sink as an ashtray and very relaxing after carrying 2 curries, 2 portions of rice, 6 cartons of starters, 2 can of pop, bread, mushrooms, a box of wine, a DVD player, 12 DVDs and an Argos catalogue a mile home. Anhyew, as soon as I’d got off the bog, Karen rang, she was setting off. I tidied up a bit, plumbed in the DVD player (its bigger than the last one so there’s no space) and inspected the porn that I’d received from Doug in our porn swap – v good if you’re interested.

Karen arrived with PJs, wine and wine gums, we had a nice chat and a drink and then played Scrabble and I got thrashed. Then we had our curry which was like the biggest meal ever. I ate so much and was so full that I was feeling rather unhealthy and as soon as I’d finished the phone rang. To my astonishment, it was Andrew, he’d won some money at the Casino and was celebrating by coming to see me! I sort of mumbled that Karen was here and he said perhaps he could see me some other time and I got off the phone feeling very excited but rather confused about what I should do. Karen (and this is where I refer you to the beginning of this blog) said “well I’ll go. I’ve not had that much wine so I can drive”. I felt bad about it but Karen was insistent saying I’d do the same if it was AP and how I should see him as I liked him so much.

So Karen went home (me feeling very bad but very pleased that she’d gone) and I shaved, changed, tidied up (again) and went out, meeting Andrew just off Canal Street. I gave him Doug’s wristband to save him some money and we went to look for somewhere to drink. The street was so busy you couldn’t even walk down it, you just had to go along with the other thousands of people moving along. It was like the busiest pub ever … on New Years Eve on the day that England have won the world cup – but this was the whole street. We made it into a pub at last, Falcon, a new bar, underground – so lots of people didn’t know about it. We had one in there and got chatting. Andrew told me he couldn’t believe I existed as I had a lovely forehead, eyebrows, face, figure, legs and was a gentleman. I gave him the number of an optician! He also gave me a picture of himself for my wallet which was sweet. He is sweet, and so lovely. It turned out that this internet scam was unrelated to his job so he can hopefully still go to the US.

Anyway we had a drink out on the Street and then at about ten past midnight we headed off home. Andrew got a McDonalds – as they are his favourite thing in the whole world and so we’ll have got home at about 12.30ish. Andrew had his burger and chips and then it seemed I was pudding! We had a very nice time and the last I remember was being gently massaged by him as I drifted off to sleep at about a quarter to three. Dreamt nice dreams about him and woke at 05.58 needing the loo. Went quickly and when I got back Andrew was awake and up for some. This sex was without a doubt some of the best of my whole life. After we’d done we got up and had a fag and then decided that there was no point waiting for the tumble drier to finish (I’d washed his clothes overnight), we may as well go back to bed so we had a snooze from about 07.30. I got up at 9 to fold his clothes and went back to bed and we got up at about ten to ten. We went to McDonald’s for breakfast where we had to wait about 20 minutes to get our food and even the guy on the till said that the kitchen staff were shit. Anyway afterwards we went back and watched Trading Places on my new DVD player. When that had done we went back to the bedroom for one last session – time was moving on and I had to be in Cleck for 3 and it was about 12.30 now. We both had a shower after, got dressed and headed off to the station. Andrew was going to Bradford after changing at Leeds and I was getting off before that at Huddersfield. We chatted on the train abiut when we’d see each other nest – time is a bit pressing so I offered to got Bradford and Andrew suggested we stay in a hotel as he’s not too happy with his flat. We were all over each other and when I got off we were both stood in the aisle and we kissed – goodness knows what everyone thought – I don’t really care.

I got a cab, picked up Karen on the way and went to the club. Nicola and Carl’s wedding is a bit of a haze so this is what I remember:
 Telling Karen all about Andrew
 Feeling drunk after 2½ hours
 Telling everyone about Andrew
 Chatting for ages with Katie Farquhar
 Accepting dozens of drinks of people, mainly Grant-house
 Asking Waitey if I could rejoin the club
 Karen losing her purse
 Loads of people crying
 The same CD again and again
 Dancing to the worst songs imaginable
 Karen being shunned by AP
 AP being nice to Karen
 Talking to Liam twice
 Field-house falling over
 Black-house being pushed over and then lying down on the back seat of the taxi
 Being very very drunk and leaving my bag in the club and my phone at Katie and Chris’s.

I woke up at 09.00 on Monday. Made sausage sandwiches and did nothing for a couple of hours other than watch telly and drink water. Warren rang asking if I wanted to go to lunch with him and Caroline so I said yes! They picked me up at 12.30 In the meantime I got showered and dressed and when I was done went into the living room, and touched the curtain with my shoulder and consequently ended up bringing the curtains right down!

Lunch was nice- lots of their friends were there too and I had a massive haddock in batter. I had to leave quite a lot! Then Warren, Carol and I went to the Wickham where we were all flagging and we had a couple – slowly. Warren wanted to go to Woolies to get a couple of free DVDs so we went there and got them. Caroline and I bought £5 of pick n mix sweets (like we’re little kids!). We then went to Spoons where we stayed for 5 ½ hours! Karen turned up and the four of us had a really nice relaxing evening, talking about all sorts of stuff, ranging from the best way to have gay sex to Karen’s mum’s voluntary work! It was a top night and then at 10.30 Caroline dropped Karen off and then took me to Huddersfield for me to get my train! I got home at 00.01 and went straight to bed. I was as tired as hell after 3 very late nights but nevertheless an ace weekend!!

Only 19 minutes to go

Yippee - only 19 minutes left and I am blogging and I need a poo so lets face it I'm doing no work till Tuesday!

Update on the Andrew situation, I infer from his emails that his job on the cruise ship was actually an elaborate internet con so he's £1300 and fucked jobwise. Or, and this is where the conspiracy theorists among you to come to the fore, he is leading me a very elaborate merry dance to get some money out of me. Well I don't have that much money. I'm quite happy to treat him to a night in Manchester but I am not a sugar daddy nor am I a person who pays for things that come free. I've been caught out before and I am not doing it. Anyway I really like him and I feel very bad that he's been swindled and I just want to give him a big hug and tell him that he'll be OK.

So this weekend: I am meeting Doug (ex flatmate) tonight and we will eat, drink and be merry on Canal Street with the other gays. Saturday - buying a DVD recorder, Kazza is coming over and we are going to eat curry, drink wine and play board games. Sunday is Nicola and Carl's engagement do at the club so there'll be more eating and drinking an being merry.

So have a nice weekend you all. See ya and remember to feel a little bit sorry for Andrew, not only has he got poor taste in men but he's £1300 in debt and ain't got a job!!

Wish it was Friday

It's not it's still only Thursday, I'm one tired Tim today.........
BSM, has just turned up in the office a.k.a Bull Shit Milner!

He talks the most fooking shite i have ever heard, this is the 3rd time he's been in this week, i can't abide him, he reminds me of Science from BB 6.

He just sold a massive parcel of B&D routers, which was one of my deals meaning i get stacks of commission because of him, i'm so trying to be nice, but it aint coming natural!

Was v. busy last night, socialising and the like, left work early to meet Ruth's work mate to swap pram for a Nifty!

Flew round like a loon, cleaned bathroom, had a homemade curry and Indian nibbles, then got my cats ready for the visitors, was crying with laughing as i found the camera to take a few snaps of Meg in her sailors hat, Maisie in a bonnet and Luther in his bow tie!
Thought MJ was going to wee, when him and 3 bellies turned up at 8pm, brandishing wine and kettle chips, don't know why they didn't want to stay longer than they did, they were sprinting back to car, muttering "cat piss Karen, therapy and mad cat lady".

I dunno what's wrong with people nowadays, i prefer animals to people, I'm really not kidding!
Rang Sam at 10pm to discuss the same, she couldn't chat and phoned me back at 11pm, chewed the fat till 12.40am.........mind whirling went to bed at 1am.........on a school night too!

Leigh is back from Marbella today, he popped in this morning to show off his tan, the fooking loon, he then asked who out of Paul and i would fly to David's villa at the weekend to take him the parcels we have found in the last 2 weeks for him to value, we looked at each other:
Paul "i have a wife".
Me "i have a social life".

Stale mate.

Question: What kind of boss do we work for, for neither of us to want to spend bank holiday in A million pound apartment in Marbella?

Anyhew, 2 1/2 hrs till hometime, early night tonight Josephine, mad busy bank holiday 3 days planned...........bring it on!!!

Sigh

Well I am supposed to be on my date with Andrew now but he's blown me out. And I wanted him to blow me off!!

Can't believe its Thursday tomorrow. What a quick week. Working from home tomorrow so that means I can wallow in bed and get my ironing done. V looking forward to it. Lots of work to do as well so I will be working hard.

Anyway that's it. I'm off home now to sob into my pillow rather than to bite it!

Sob

No news

But then they do say that no news is good news!

Monday as always, after I'd made it through to 5.30pm, that being an achievement in itself!
Once home in p.j's, managed to eat the 5 remaining slices of pizza warmed up from Sunday night.

Phoned Matt for 1 hr, watched Eastenders then took myself off to bed at 8.30pm, read till 10pm watched without a trace, read the end of the book, which was a crappy let down, then stared at the clock for a couple of hours, got up and did some pacing about, then i saw a flea on the bed, checked all cats who were clear (don't know where the fuck it came from).
Went and slept in spare room and had a whole 4hrs sleep before the alarm went off.........Oh that's plenty for me, I'm like Margaret Thatcher me, 5 hrs a night is sufficient!

Felt on top form all day yesterday surprisingly!
Work was fine, nipped to M&S to get Martyn a Bday card and some wrapping paper, also bought Heat magazine as bored stupid at my desk, got some ham, coleslaw, poppy seed bread, cheese and toms to make sandwiches, don't know why as now i have to eat the same sandwich 4 days running, also bought a triffle as they were 1/2 price, but fooking sick of it already.
Left work early at 4.10pm and went to vets for flea treatment,Gave Luthers name, the bird behing the counter was saying "oh i expected him to be a great dane, not a cat".........anyhow what a bleeding rip-off!

Home, washed bedding, brought washing in, treat the cats, wrapped Martyns present and took it and his card round to Marlenes, put clean bedding on, ironed 3 skirts and 11 tops, bath, p.j's had pasta and triffle (not in the same dish).Watched Eastenders, the curse of BB and Holby city on tape.
Bed, started a new book "Ma Polinski's pockets"........read till 12.40am, in between mopping up Luthers sick (think he has a piece of grass stuck in his throat as he keeps gipping).
Anyhow he was only sick on the clean bedding, so that's fine.........!!!??!

Awoke in a good mood today, until the builders were knocking at the door, to get me to move my car......grrr!!
Have already had a very productive morning, (not workwise), Gabe has emailed to say he's home at the weekend, so i've phoned Sarah to arrange to meet them Friday and maybe go out for a meal of just to get shitfaced!
Also Sarah and MJ are coming up to mine tonight, MJ to tell me all his holiday news from Whitby and Sarah to drink wine as she is on one of her 22nd weeks holiday this year.

Matt has emailed some importants questions about my stay at his on Saturday night, all board game, curry, supermarket and black pudding related.
Ruth has also mailed to say her and Rach are coming round at t.time to get that pram.....good!
Wondering whether to get Nicola and Carl a present or just a card for their engagement do on Sunday.

Had some Alpen, going to read Heat till lunch, weekend eve tomorrow! happy days!!!
See ya wouldn't wanna be ya!

I feel like Maureen from 'driving school'

Feking failed my driving test for the 4TH TIME!!!!! AGGGGHHHH!
What is wrong with me?!!! I even took it in Harrogate because apparently it is an easier test route that Horseforth! I'm a mong.

I failed on signalling. I can't use an indicator. Pah!

Anyway, this weekend I finally relented and went to Angelsey with my boy, his old mate Sheps (who cannot function normally without two bongs in a morning) and his lodger Julie and Shep's white boxer dog Suki. Who I am now in love with.
Had a great time, smoked weed, drank beer and watched the stars stoned out of our boxes.

Shep's parents own a mobile home overlooking the beech. It's not just any old caravan, more of a £40 grand little palace, it was nicer than my home! We had BBQ's, nice long walks and chips and gravy on cliffs. Ahh! I love coupledom!

Arrived back in Leeds last night at 6.30pm. Unpacked our bags, I did the pots, Matt did fuck all and I did the washing, Matt did fuck all and I cooked tea!!! I am going to have to kick this boy into shape, but then I think maybe it's my duty as he pays for everything and works really hard, therefore I need to look after him?? or am I Mrs Cunningham in Happy Days? I don't know.

Today so far, I have bought skinny black jeans from Topshop online, re-jigged my credit card balances to free up some cash for new jeans, wrote out shopping list for tonight's 'big shop', done abs work out in the gym and had steak for lunch. I should be a lady of leisure! Fuck this working in between!

In a while crocodile x

Weekend

Can't really add much to Karen's Friday or Saturday night reports. All I can do is talk about Sunday.

Woke up at 09.00 which is late for me. My mum made sausage sandwiches, I helped my mum put up two mirrors and helped my dad but a spring on the back door. We were going to Harrogate and on the way we called in at Warren's house and dropped off a pressure washer. Warren and Caroline had tidied up and it was all looking spic and span.

So we got to Harrogate and we had a bit of a chop. I bought nice chinese food from M&S for tea and some nice aftershave M&S sell (surprising that you can buy a cheapo aftershave that smells nice - its Woodspice in case you fancy trying it and (since its strong and cheap) its ideal for work) and a wallet. Bought some Issey Miyake from Boots, some pop and sweets from Asda.

Then they dropped me at the station. They were going to drop me off at Leeds but my mum moaned about the Leeds one way system: "ooh we may end up having to spend 5 minutes extra travelling home in order to drop you off so you can extend your journey by an hour and a fiver by going home from here".

Thank fuck for the fact that I had to wait 5 minutes for a train. Had I arrived 5 minutes later I would have had to wait two hours for the next train. Got into Leeds almost an hour later and there was a train leaving in 5 minutes for Blackpool North. The train I get to work sometimes goes to Blackpool North so I thought that it would be the same train and would stop at Manchester Oxford Road but no, the conductor told me that it went via Blackburn not Manchester and so I should change at Pudsey, go back to Leeds and start again.

Got to Pudsey and checked the timetable. The next train to Leeds was in 25 minutes but the next train on the platform I was on went to Manchester and was in 30 minutes so I waited around for that - desperately wanting a fag to kill the time but some bugger at the BBQ had nicked it - it eventually came and the conductor on that train told me that it wasn't going on to Manchester due to some engineering works and so I had to get a bus replacement at Rochdale so we eventually got to Rochdale and then got on the bus.

I sat on the top deck and wished instantly that I hadn't. The whole of the top of the bus was full of middle aged spanish men spread all over the top deck shouting to one another from the front to the back. The journey of 13 miles to Manchester took an incredible 45 minutes - I was amazed. I could almost have walked as quick - how it took so long I have no idea. Anyway we got to Victoria Station and fed up of being fucked about I got a cab home arriving three and a half hours after being dropped off in Harrogate - a journey speed of 15 miles an hour. Next time I buy some sodding roller skates!

Over indulgance

Great mates: 1
Great pubs: 1
Even greater BBQ: 1
AP: Nil points

Met Matt, Spug, Hayley, Beth, Tina and Jo in between the hours of 8.00pm and 8.30pm at the Obediah Brooke.
Good night, Matthew phoned Woz to say we were moving up to the old house at home, then as if by magic they all appeared, John, Andy, Deano and Warren, they went on ahead.....
Matt was saying "oh there's your husband", i made a comment about the fact that he'd tucked his shirt in his jeans, then fucking freaked when Spug tried to tell me what he was wearing 6 years ago when he was seeing Rachel...............yes I'm unhinged!!!

The old house was okay, all the lads stood at the bar, Clare, Katy, Debbie and Angela turned up and last orders were upon us, before we knew it, Matt had sung lipstick on your collar after I'd told the karaoke man to burn the slip, so we could sing Irish rover instead, we'd had another 5 pints and the regal was calling.
As usual, you seem to be in the regal for all of 10 minutes when the lights come on and the meathead bouncers are telling you to sup off, but the following events are unusually quite clear:
I bought myself a shandy and Matt a Stella then drank both after he'd spent 40 mins outside talking to cousin Nicola.
Tunner was asking me to go see him and his band perform life on Sunday night in some dodgy pub on Manchester road.
AP was acting a bit weird, being really tactile, then just stood staring at me like he was planning his next murder.
Spearmint Dave picked me up on the dancefloor, he's a strong lad to say he's so puny.
Little Dean was jigging about, then saying "oh poor Andy, go talk to him he's stood on his own".

Matt and i wanted curry, AP was hanging around obviously it's got to that time of the night when he puts his willy in me.
He said he'd come and sit with us, but he wasn't hungry, i ordered lamb korma, boiled rice and naan, Matt ordered chicken Bhuna, chips, pilau rice and chapattis.
Andy who wasn't hungry ordered the same, wolfed the entire banquet down in 8. 5 seconds, stood blot upright and said "right I'm gonna get off, I've to be up at 9am tomorrow to go for my ushers outfit fitting for Stannys wedding, plus i'll see you both tomorrow anyhow." got to the door and blew me the campest kiss ever..........Dale Winton eat your heart out!!

Matt and i mumbled, fair enough.......and carried out eating our gee, shared a taxi home where i contributed 37p to the fayre. Bed for 2am.

Saturday, awoke at 9.30am.....i repeat 9.30am.
Tried with all my might to return to sleep, until a certain nurse phoned at midday to waffle on about should she or shouldn't she come home, arranged to see her for Sunday shandies as it was Caroline and Warrens BBQ Saturday night.

Spent the day at Mums, chatting to Mark and Ruth eating bacon sarnies and drinking big mugs of strong coffee.
Matt wanted to go to the sportsclub at 3pm, so i was ready on the dot, phoned him only to be told he was shopping for mirrors in Dewsbury and would be another hour, he turned up at 5pm. That's because 3 + 1 = 5!!??!

No matter, had 3 at the club and were just in time to see the 2nd team be defeated, We sat outside with Katy, Spug, Hayley and her new boyfriend she had found in the regal on Friday night.
All the cricket boys shuffled off to Warrens,Matt and i got a cab to tescos where we bought a keg of blue WKD (which held 18 bottles), a crate of stella, a bottle of Dooley's and a bottle of champagne.
I cheekily asked uncle Mo to drop us off at the BBQ as he was leaving the store the same time as us and it would save us calling a cab.

All the girls were mullered as they'd been eating hash cake and vodka jelly since lunchtime, Kim was the 1st casualty she just fell asleep in the chair.
Warren and Caroline's house is v.posh, very art deco........i wouldn't have wanted to clear up the next day.

It was a really good night, Everyone sang happy birthday to Katy then Andy as they are both 27 and 28 respectively today, Matt sang like a true tenor, to which Deano piped up "who invited Harry Secombe?".....i laughed till i thought i was going to wee.

So the beer flowed and flowed, Katy and Grant arrived, the evening seemed to be over before it started, people we fighting for chairs, i was sat on Deanos knee at one point, where he was inappropriately stroking my back with his hand inside my blouse.

By midnight- 1am people started to disperse, John, Claire, Nicola,Carl, Paul,Tracy, Grant, Katy had all got cabs, Chris and Ozzie were both trying to wake Katy who'd had a whitey and was asleep with her head in her lap.
Andy was sat round the chimnea with his hoodie on, he'd barely spoken 10 words to anyone all night, i went to sit with him, Caroline phoned the 3 of us a cab as we were the only ones left, she looked like death as you would if you had been drinking and smoking dope for 14hrs.

Matt dropped me and Andy off home, i decided to ask Andy about the rugby season, him going out into Leeds and Batley on a Saturday, pulling other birds and me not seeing him.
Response, "i'll still see you, don't worry we very rarely go out of town these days, even if we do, i'll ring you and make sure i see you at least once a week".
So we got up to go to bed, he gets to the door and says"that was all a bit deep for me, i'm off home", then in the same breath, "no i'll stay".........What the fuck???

halfway through, he starts saying, that's beautiful don't stop (who uses the word beautiful in the throws of passion??)..........after we'd finished i point at the stain on the quilt and say, "what's that", dunno he answers, i think your roof is leaking.

He lets the cat out again, on his way home, i followed him to the gate and say have a good birthday, yeah i will, i won't see you next weekend as i'm going to Leeds on Friday night and Batley on Saturday.....hahhhaaaaaaaa, seriously i could hear him laughing all the way to the main road.
The fucking Freak, what is he now a comedian???

Sunday, daren't even tell you what time i got up, but Tescos was shut.
God i felt like death, put some washing in, fetched Marlene and Jim from the station, drove to McDonalds, i really needed junk food. That did the trick, Spug txt to see if i was going out.
So i phoned Sarah and arranged to meet them at 7pm to 7.30pm in spoons.
Sarah arrived at 7.55pm and Spug never showed up.

I laughed more last night, than the entire weekend put together.
Sarah and i being in the same boat with AP and SS, shared a lot of common ground, halfway through conversation on anal sex, we were joined by Derby and fucking Joan, Sarah went to the bar and i moved tables, seriously there were seats elsewhere just because you've been married for 50years and have run out of things to talk about, doesn't mean you can sit with us.

Unfortunately, we still had that aura, mentalists feel free to come sit with us, as we were joined by the newest gay in the village, 18yr old Andrew, camp as fucking Christmas, just started working behind the bar in OB'S (to save up 30k so he could go to college, to learn performing arts) and clearly couldn't hold his drink.

Tango Danny wasn't a patch on this boy, in his dungarees and pink t.shirt.
Menthol fags and his unrequited love for his sister.

James and James then arrived, we chatted about their recent holiday to Prague, to squeals from Andrew "as if you'd go out with someone who had the same name".

Great night all in all, we drank and laughed, heard outrageous stories of gay strip joints and all night drinking over the continent from the 2 James's who had gone onto big tumblers of whiskey at this point.
Then as always, the pub was empty, the big table of rugby players had dispersed, Andrew had been taken home by his sister, after throwing up his entire 5 pints of Carling all over the pub floor, barley missing Lee Rayners jeans.

11pm, Sarah called at the bank, we then went to the Horncastle take-away for special pizzas, home for 11.30pm, ate 3 pieces, emptied the washer, hung it all on the airer, washed my face, got p.j's on and was unconscious well before midnight.

Woke up at 4.30am, but managed to get back to sleep.

So today Andy is 27yrs old...the age of a sorted, emotionally stable, fully fledged adult..........like fuck it is!!!!!!!!!!

This is my 174th post!

I'm so much better than Matt.

It's here, the weekend has arrived..........

Already had a mail from Spug, saying "it's the weekend", you'd think we were setting off on holiday tonight not going drinking in Cleck, we get that excited!

Matt is home this evening from over the pennies, Sarah 3 bellies is somewhere about, i'll need to text her!

It'll be a good night, i hope i don't lose my memory (too early).

Much of a nowtness this week, Wednesday night i cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom and set up my new microwave, put everything I'm not using in the shed, there is that much room in there now, you could hold in party in it!

Well there's room to swing 3 cats!

Ate tea after watering the garden, Matt phoned, then i went to bed at 10pm to watch lost, then read till midnight.

Thursday at work, dossed around all day, went to Next at lunch and compromised, i only bought the handbag and the pyjamas.......
Decided to leave early yesterday tea-time, there's only so much porn you can look at on the internet!, got home at 4pm, fooking builders asked me to move my car, so went to Marlene's, Noone home!!! took Tina (mangy family pet) for a walk, she did a massive poo in the middle of a football pitch, i just walked off and pretended she wasn't with me, Steven got back from work, sporting a rather special beard he's growing for Australia.

Got my bootleg fags from him, he's also got me a years worth of hair colour........bless!!

Marlene made me take some lager from down the cellar, ("we don't drink lager, take it, i want everything cleared out before the house move").
Steven was chelping "i'm going to drink it, as i can't afford to go out this weekend".
Unlucky!!!

Got home and did usual Thursday drek, shaving, fake tanning, preening, had an identical tea to Wednesday (Emma's favorite, mince beef and onion pie, chips, mushy peas, but i had mint sauce not gravy), then watched Extras, Catherine Tate, followed by the very last nip-tuck i'd taped from Weds......... up to bed at 11pm read for an hour.

Slept like the dead and was awoken at 8.22am, the dreaded work alarm, got a wriggle on, collected Marlene and Jim at 8.45am took then to the Station as they are off to see the Edinburgh military tattoo, poor Jim having to put up with my Mothers incessant wittering!! for 3 days!

I asked her what time they got back on Sunday to which she replied "i don't think we went anywhere".

No you mad bitch, would you like a lift home this Sunday coming, d'you know??!!?

Arrived at work this morning 40 mins late........no bother!
Paul is pissed out of his head, rock and roll!
Ooh i remember them days of living life on the edge, midweek drinking! i know i'm dull and old nowadays (unlike Matt who was having bum sex before work this morning!), but i make up for it on a weekend.

So my plans for the day, after i've got over the shock of seeing a picture of an 8yr old Andy.
Feck all......i've another 6 hours to sit here, going to give myself a french manicure!!!
Then do some daydreaming till lunch!

Roll on 8pm...................lagertops! Mmm!

Another slutty Thursday

I had been looking forward to getting lashed all week. I washed and ironed and washed up and tidied like a trooper till 02.15 on Wednesday night to ensure that I would be able to go drinking last night and I duly did.

I left work at 6pm and got into Manchester proper at about quarter past. I then proceeded to spend £75 in about half an hour – certainly over £2 per minute: on ties, trousers, Scotch tape, UHU, bin liners and the like.

I then got a free bus to Churchill’s and settled down with the latest edition of Gay Times. Had one pint and just before I bought my second, an American girl who was part of a group of three (her, a chunky guy and a fit guy in a cap) asked if she could bum a fag. Of course I said yes and I cheerily went off and bought my second pint.

When I got back, she and chunky guy had gone leaving fit guy in a cap. He kept staring over in quite a rapey way which was a little unnerving but I invited him to sit with me. He, in turn, asked me sit with him so I did and then while trying to make small talk he kept looking at my groin and sticking his tongue out in a suggestive manner. This continued for about 10 -15 minutes but when I offered him another drink, he said he’d prefer to come back to my hotel room: I’d already told him I lived in Manchester but by now I was getting the impression that he’d been drinking a little longer than I had! So we headed off (at 8pm – I’d not even been there an hour and karaoke hadn't even begun) much to the amusement of the bar staff who I think were quietly impressed with my ability to pull.

So, he was called Anthony and claimed to be 35. He didn’t look it though, I’d have guessed he was my age. He was nice looking and had a strong looking face, although he did have a bit of a lump on his forehead and wasn't as nice looking close up as he was from afar - but still v nice. He had, under his cap, the beginnings of MPB as he had thining brown hair. He was a rep and was supposed to be in Faliraki but had had to come back for some training courses. He wasn't fat but had a bit of a belly which I thought quite nice and moobs that would almost have made BB Craig proud!

So we got home and he insisted that I get undressed first which made me think he was going to rob me – being undressed, I wouldn’t be able to chase after him. But it turned out that he just wanted to see me naked which was a relief. Anyway we had a nice but rather slow time. He was hardly the most dynamic of lovers. I put this down to his drunkenness which by this time I was certain of as I have never encountered anyone so unable to maintain an erection. He seemed quite as aware of this as I was and was focussing all attention onto me and preventing me from getting my mits on him.

This carried on for another hour or so and by 9.30 poor Anthony was flagging and at 9.50 he suggested we go to sleep. It wasn’t even sodding 10pm but I agreed. I had to get ready for the weekend so I set the alarm for 6am so I could wash, pack and tidy as well, of course, as get rid of Anthony in good time.

Didn’t sleep well – I never do when I sleep with people but I got about 4 hours sleep and before I knew it, the dulcet tones of the Monkees on Radio Two were blaring out. It was 15 seconds to 6am. I felt like death but Anthony obviously had slept well as he was all over me like a rash and his brewers droop was long gone. He seemed in a rush to make up for last night and I was more than happy to go along with him. Before I knew it it was 6.40 and I was kissing him goodbye at Oxford Road Station going along with his pretence that he’d keep in touch (pretence because he didn’t even have my number). I popped into McDonalds on the way home and had a Mc Bacon Roll meal and went home.

Watched To The Manor Born on UK Gold, packed my bag, tidied up, emptied my bins, had a shower, got dressed (realising that neither new tie was as suitable as one which Karen had given me in June) and got a cab to work.

What a funny night. And twice in a week! Goodness. I must have some powerful pheromones on me!!

All alone at the workplace

Week so far

Usual Monday, Sunday shandies are the root of all evil as every Monday I'm convinced is my last, really I'm not exaggerating, i really should only get drunk if can sleep the after effects off the Morning after.

Called in Kay's on the way home from work,to give her the basin and mixer taps.
One of the neighbours, raised her hand to tell me to slow down as i drove into the cul-de-sac............as the kids were all playing out in there £400 electric cars, FFS!
You can so tell i don't have kids, didn't stay long as i needed, tea, bath and bed.

Home James, Matt phoned for11/2 hrs, which meant i didn't get to eat till 9pm, no bother.
Made a pasta and was still in bed for 10pm, watched the double bill of without a trace, which was surprisingly good, didn't take long to drop off..........

Was on top form yesterday, all thoughts of liver failure banished.
Did nothing all day i could call work, was out and about a lot, was v.proud of myself, as i resisted the temptation to buy new jeans, pyjamas, handbag and denim jacket from Next (oh but it was only £81 for all 4, i don't need any of them, i need to save my money for Dublin, but i really wanted them, perhaps if i stay in the next couple of Fridays, should i just go get them and fuck the consequences?).

Bought a draft excluder, it was loads of cats sitting in a line, emailed Gabe to tell him i haven't seen him for 9 months, seemed to be on the phone most of the day to Ruth, Sam and Marlene, called at the parents on the way home, they'd gone out to buy Marlene a Clio, so chatted to Steven, Ruth and Mark. Middle brother Martyn and his bird then turned up..............what is it? fucking Christmas?

Home, Matt phoned again, did all my ironing, had lamb chops, veg and jacket spud, mopped kitchen floor, cleaned cooker and some other thankless chores. Started book again as BB is over and only some Britney Spears shite on the box, read till half past the midnight and slept right though till 8.22am today................yippee!!


The office today is like a ghost town, but how time flies when you are doing absolutely nothing!
Washed the car today, painted my nails, emailed pals, hoisted some good stuff (yes i needed a hammer drill).
Trouble is when you've noone to talk to and nothing to do, you've too much thinking time.

Lethal, have already worked myself up in a right state as to where i am going to spend Xmas day, cried over Sam having her dog put to sleep, worried why Marlene has bought a car from the auctions when she knows nothing about mechanics, am at present fretting over what i will do when my cats pass away, plus wondering whether to have liposuction with my 10 large!

Here Here!

Caroline sent me this thought i'd share it with you all!

THE VALUE OF DRINK




"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically

converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is my 108th Blog

Erm that's it really. Not that much to say. I need to go and have a poo now. Then I may make some tea.

Another one bites the dust

Gonna try blog the weekend fast.

Friday, got caught in the torrential freak monsoon type weather at junction 26 after I'd been let out of work early, not as early as i expected as i had to deliver some flowers to this mad old Jews house, along with some of David's clothes he'd forgotten to take to Marbella, seemingly this old gimmer, was flying out to stay with his son who is one of my boss's pals........v.random!
Got to Buxton at around 6pm, spent the entire evening watching the cricket, in between Big Brother whilst drinking comedy 1.5litre bottle of red wine, followed by more wine and Stella shandies.

Had a lovely time as always, marred only by the worse meal ever cooked by Chris it was like all my worst nightmares on a plate..........roast ham joint (fat bastard bacon), parmesan mash, mushy peas and parsley sauce........thought i was going to die.
Chris said something about it being winter food, i though hospital food was a better way to describe the plate of slop..........had tiramisu for dessert which was nice, retired at 1.30am after watching BB repeats and the mighty boosh.

Left early Saturday after 2 coffees, I'd made the fatal mistake of telling the girls about the pigeon in the chimney, which they made me tell them about 40 times. I love kids but i couldn't eat a whole one.

Arrived back at my abode, had scrambled eggs on toast, a hot bath and an afternoon snooze.
Picked Spug and Katy up in a taxi at 6.30pm, went to the club, Andy was leaving as we got to the door BOO!!
Had 2 shandies and one lagertop in there, it was pants, as the cricket pitch was waterlogged, no players down there.
Went to spoons and met, Rach, Emma and Ruth at 8pm, they were buying rounds of bottles of wine, we got sat in the no smoking section, much to Katy's annoyance who just lit up and used a pint glass as an ashtray, Woz and Caroline arrived with Kim, i stayed with them until last orders, Ruth, Rach, Emma, Spug and Katy went to the old house then met up with Tina, Hayley and Beth later, i didn't want to go to the regal, spend loads more cash, feel like crap in the morning and lose my memory if Andy wasn't out, tragic i know!!!!
Bed at 11.30pm.................i know!

Sunday the Sabbath, was up with the larks, put a wash load on, then called at Marlene's, took her some Terry's all gold for cat sitting on Friday. Had 2 coffees, then Mum, Ruth and i went to Tescos in Brighouse, Mum didn't need anything, she just came for the ride!

She insisted on getting a small trolley to share, even though i was doing my monthly shop, by the time we'd got past the 1st aisle, she's filled it with bedding and crockery and other shit she didn't need.

We all went back to my house for coffee, then i ran them home and came in to cook a breakfast, reload the washer, unpack shopping and get ready to go to the sportsclub for a charity 20/20 cricket match, with bouncy castle, D.J and BBQ.....v.random!

Got there at 3pm, Katy, Spug and Hayley were already there, got myself a shandy and went to sit with the girls, the weather was very changeable, it was really sunny, then windy, then cloudy, spent a good few hours taking my jacket on and off and traipsing to the bar and back.

Went onto lagertops then back on shandies after pint number 6 when i realised i was going blind and it was only 6.00pm.
Spug however did not need shandy as she waded her way through 15 pints, between the hours of 1pm and 11.30pm...........she is like 10 men.

What a top day, Rach, Dean and baby Megan came down.
Everyone was getting wellied, apart from Caroline who'd taken the car, the in-laws turned up, Dave was grinning at me at the bar, while i looked at my shoes and gurned like the insane.

Deano and Andy were in charge of the BBQ, it was Andy's job to put the onions and relish on the burgers, i was cringing that much i feared i may have needed my buttocks surgically unclenching.
Some lightweights started to disperse, it was pitch dark at this point, my teeth were chattering and even the beer glow wasn't enough to keep me warm.

Mick Collins then called last orders, it was only 9pm....for fooks sake, Caroline squashed loads of people in her car, me Spug and Andy got a cab on and we all met up in spoons, there were loads of us, Bev, John, Clare, Woz, Caroline, Me, Andy, Spug, Deano, Guy, that young boy who was yakking up cheapside the other week, Spug pulled him again last night as she has a lot of love to go round!

Oh we were messy, Andy was keeping his hands warm up my top, Deano was trying to waltz with me, we were last to be chucked out, Andy, Spug, me and young boy shared a cab, i think he lived in Wyke, not sure!!!!!!

Not sure what happened, but am having mad shag fest flashbacks this morning............
Note to self, must tell Andy that the 69 went out in erm!! 1969.

What a weekend!

Well this weekend has been another long weekend, finishing on Thursday – although I did work till 7pm. Anyway as many of my blogs do, this one begins in Churchill's on Thursday, celebrating the fact that I'd finished for the week and singing karaoke. Bumped into Gavin the pilot and chatted away with him and his fit trolley-dolly friends, sang Lipstick on your Collar to great acclaim and was happily getting merry. Spotted this bloke staring at me but thought nothing of it, he was quire nice looking so I guessed he was just looking for a seat or something.

Sang Delilah at 11pmish and as I was going back to my seat the lad I’d seen staring asked me if I wanted a drink. I invited him to sit with me and we chatted. He was called Andrew, he was 21 and from Staincliffe but now lives in Bradford and had come to Manchester with a friend who had promptly abandoned him. He was really nice looking, sweet as hell and strangely into me – well he liked big men.

He told me that he spotted me as soon as he got in there and while I was singing Delilah he had asked the folks sat at the table next to me if I was gay and if I was single - they said yes to both which is weird since I didn't know them from Adam and it was only because of what they said that he spoke to me. He said that had he not "known" I was gay he'd not have come up to me because he thought I was straight and didn't want to be disappointed!

Anyway after lots of nice chatting (and me buying him a red rose from one of those pub to pub rose merchants) we went home at midnight and had a nice time together. It really was very nice, very relaxed and incredibly horny.

Anyway at 2am he fell asleep in my arms which was very sweet too. I got up at 5am to have a wee and while I was there I ended up doing a massive fart, one of those which reverberates around the pan and is magnified in volume and makes the house shake: just what you need when you have a (to coin a Craigism here) fittie in your bed next door. When I got back he’d stolen all my share of the duvet from my side of the bed and no matter how much I tried to grab it off him he held on to it fast.

After being pretty cold and having only intermittent sleep for 4 hours I got up at 9am and washed, ironed, tidied, watched TV and pottered around until I thought I really couldn’t delay waking Andrew up any longer so I woke him and we had some nice morning lazy sex in the morning and then I was in a massive rush to get ready.

As I was going to Norwich to see Chris and Jayne and as I'd let Andrew sleep, the train's departure was looming so I was in a bit of a rush to leave but as he was off to Bradford, we both got the train to Leeds (I had to change there and so did he).

On the way there he kept being very inappropriate, to the horror of the guy opposite who kept staring with perverse curiosity but it was quite nice to think that me, a not inconsiderably overweight grey-haired 30 year old could be attractive to a slim, handsome, 21 year old who was neither a freak nor a thief.

I hope I see him again. I have his number and everything but he's starting a job in the US in a month on a cruise ship so it won't be a long term thing probably - unfortunately. Anyway we'll see, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Look him up: http//photos.yahoo.com/britishguy1983

Anyhew, after seeing Andrew of in Leeds, I continued to Norwich. I spoke to Michelle who had had her baby (Harrison Roy Sharples, 6lb 2 oz born, at 18.15 on 10 August 2005). Then I slept. Changed at Peterboro’ and arrived in Norwich four and a quarter hours after leaving Manchester.

Chris was at the station to meet me and we went to his and had a fag and a Stella and chatted away. And before I knew it, Jayne and Alex had arrived and we went off to Tesco for some grub as the plan was to stay in and watch Big Brother. We were having bolognaise and at my suggestion we got turkey mince since Jayne doesn’t eat red meat. I bought a DVD player (for £22.50) too … yippee!! Porn in the bedroom! Got home had our dinner which was lovely (although I’d not recommend turkey mince to anyone to be honest) and watched Big Brother. The highlight being Anthony saying “fucked” on live TV!

We continued to drink and smoke and chat away and we played Cranium, me and Al against Chris and Jayne, but we won as a result of my excellent humming!!

Saturday got up after a really good nights sleep at 10.30: this is very late for me but I did feel very refreshed. Had nice bacon sarnies and we all slowly abluted and went out to the Bingo!! Chris and Jayne have been a couple of times with work and they suggested it and it was really fun.

When we got to the Mecca they checked me on their system and I was on it from 7/11/1995 when we’d tried to go at Uni but not realised we had to be members – I’m sure MJ was there as well. Do you remember it MJ? It was the night of the firework display in York? It was really good. We had such fun and we were by far the youngest there – I can recommend it to all of you and the beer is very cheap!!

Afterwards we went to a departments store and me and Chris bought 3’ x 2’ canvases which Jayne is going to paint for us. We met up with Pete and old colleague of C and J’s and then bought 3 games. I bought one called Carcassone and Chris bought 2 called N-tropy and Wits End. Went home and played them. Wits end was shit because the questions were so American.

E.g. Q1 Nixon is to Kennedy as who is to Nixon: Humphrey, Stevenson, Ford or Johnson? Answer Humphrey as he had lost a US presidential race to Nixon and Nixon had done to Kennedy. Q2 Which of these was not associated with Robin Hood: Little John, Friar Tuck, The Sheriff of Rotheringham, Will Scarlett.

How can you have such easy English questions and hard US ones.

N-tropy was a bit like kerplunk sort of but imagine the cocktail sticks and the marbles were all wooden sticks a foot long. You had a framework of wood sticks and you had to pile on more sticks and any that fell off you got and it was the first to finish who won – Chris – the lucky bugger.

Then we had our Chinese takeaway which we’d ordered an hour before which was lovely. I had Chow Mein and it was delicious.

And then we played my game which wqas good. Its one of those civolisation games where you build cities and roads and stuff but it was quite straight forward and easy to play. Chris won one game and Al won the next.

And then we just chatted. I do like seeing Chris and Jayne and Alex, you can just sit and chat about anything and even though the day may seem quite boring to some (bingo and board games) it was really nice to do something fun and out of the ordinary and to connect with really close friends I don’t see that often.

On Sunday we were all quite lazy in getting ready but were all done by one. I had somehow crammed my DVD player and game into my bag and we went to Norwich just to do some shopping and browsing which was good. I bought an air freshener and Jayne bought me a bubble bath thing from Lush. We ate at Pret and I bought double rations so I had something to eat on the train.

The journey back had no changes, which was nice but it did take 5 hours which is a bit long. I read for most of the journey (all but half an hour) and that made the time go quickly. Got home, had a poo, rung chris to say I’d got home, read the remaining 20 pages of the book (a whole book in less than 6 hrs!!) and then watched TV for 3 hours.

Plumbed in the DVD player, replacing the one I won at Lynsey’s local on 19 June 2004 – or rather the one Lynsey won but then decided she’d give to me rather than pay me back the money she’d borrowed to buy the £35 of tickets she’d bought. Anyway that one conked it some time ago so that’s why I needed a new one. I tested it out on a couple of “artistic” DVDs and then went to bed after a lovely, interesting, horny and fun weekend.

I'm a serial Blogaholic

I haven't even got anything much to report.
God it's quiet without David.
Peaceful......... but nothing to do.

Wednesday evening, dropped in the Denham's on the way home, dropped off card and stuff, then whizzed home for an early night after some M&S carbonara pasta thingy.

Was on top form yesterday, as I'd had a full 8 hrs kip.
Just a usual Thursday, called in Marlos on the way home to drop her some info on tourist attractions in Edinburgh I'd printed off.
Home, bath, t.v., fake tanning, preening, bed at 10pm for BB.
(what the fuck am i going to do after tonight, my life will be one long empty void!).

Had to get up early today, as Kay had changed my hair appointment to 8.30am.....Jeez!!!!!!

So was in New Farnley on the dot, mumbled "coffee" through 1/2 shut sleepy eyes while i went up to wash my barnett.
It looks top, probably the nicest she's ever cut it and she won't let me pay.

She worked at Westrow damn it, she should be raking it in!

Work for 9.40am, done knack all, email Ruth (she's going to the dentist this afternoon, coincidently). Sarah has emailed, she's not dead, but is back in sunny Clecksville next weekend, after ANOTHER fooking camping trip, that girl lives under canvas..........wrong wrong wrong!

Got some really good samples today, Leigh gave me £300 worth of French Connection underwear, so you've to forget you read this and look really surprised when you all get grundies for Xmas.
Got Kay some taps, for doing my hair (even though, she's insisting on paying me, i really don't mind paying the staff sales price for her, but she'll argue and argue).

Got Thirza and Livvy some videos and sweets to take over and Lastly Chris's £500 air conditioning unit in the back of the Megane.

That's all, off to sunny Buxton in 1/2hr, well it won't be bloody sunny, i'll be freezing my tits off, i've packed my cardigan.

Back tomorrow to go out on the tiles, can't act the adult for an entire weekend, not sure who's about, Ms. Farquahar is at a loose end and Caroline is down at the club. No word from anyone else.
Don't know if Rachel and Ruth have recovered yet from drinking 5 bottles of wine in spoons on Wednesday night.............YES 5!!!!!!!!!!!

The past 18 hours!

Well last night just before 17.00 I rung up to find out where my new MP3 player was and they said that it should be arriving yesterday so I started looking at my music and it was all in MP4 format and I need MP3 format for the new player so I downloaded a converter so it would change them all over night so that I could go off to Norfolk tomorrow with my full collection of music.

Then I had to move all my music into one folder so that it would convert them all - that took me till 18.55 as I had so many songs to move (1500 songs at about 2-3 seconds per song) so I set the converter going changing the formats and went home.

Got to work this morning and to my annoyance after only about 20 songs it had stopped because it had to ask me if I wanted to overwrite a song that I had in both MP3 and MP4 formats so I'm having to start from scratch. The coverting takes marginally less than a minute per song so I'm hoping that I'll end up with about 600 songs over the day which should be enough to listen to on the train tomorrow.

Didn't listen to my own advice last night (i.e. get home early, have 2 hours sleep before Big Brother and then to bed at 22.00 to counter the severe lack of sleep I have had over the past 5 or so days), as I didn't end up getting home till 19.43 as I was doing all of the above then the train was delayed so no chance for a disco kip. Then I stayed up and watched Lost (although Doug rung me at 22.30 and I spoke to him for an hour) then the first episode of Nip/Tuck so I didn't get to bed till 12.35.

Anyway I took only about 15 minutes to get off and I slept solidly till 6am (whioch is almost unprecedented - I usually wake up about 6 times a night) and then fell back to sleep for another hour and a half and was woken by the doorbell: I couldn't work out whether it was in my dream or in real life. Anyway I woke up and it was real life. My building's manager had been looking after my MP3 player and 4 new shirts from TM Lewin which all arrived yesterday which he was looking after for me. Two of the shirts don't look like they did on the web but two are v nice.

These are they:
Yellow shirt
Blue shirt
Pink check shirt
Red check shirt
I like the first two but not the second two but I can' decide if I should keep them or not.

Anyway I am feeling very refreshed and am having a very good day and working very hard. And I'm on leave tomorrow.

Happy weekend fuckers!!

Happy Birthday Rach

Not that she'll benefit from me writing that on here, as she swapped her desk job with internet access, for a bouncing baby girl, a mortgage and a live in lover..........
NO i am not jealous.

They are going out tonight for drinks, but i can not go because i can't drink in the week.
But the good news is I've stopped being moody aka last weekend.
Plus I've stopped feeling sick.

Only today, i am fucking knackered, it's my own fault...........

Was reasonably tired after my Spaghetti Bolognaise last night.
Just thought i'd iron those few bits, oh then i'll just phone Sam to see how the extension/flat pack kitchen, missing walls, scenario is getting on.
Then, oh i better phone Kay to see if she's remembered about my hair appointment.

But as always, made sure i was in bed for 10pm and BB, then the last sugar rush.
Then i think i'll just watch the 1st of the triple bill of the very last Sex and the City, oh go on, i'll watch the 2nd part, erm...i might as well watch the very last one, yes i know what happens, i've seen it before..........Big goes to Paris.........."go get our girl".

But it's really good, plus when Miranda is washing Steve's Mum, oh it's so sad.
Then Charlotte gets the chinky baby.
Smith tells Samantha he loves her!

Okay you've got the message.
2am, still awake.
2.30am woke up sweating like a mule.........with a cat at either side of my head (oh i do hope you're comfy you pair on my nice plump pillows).

3am, was fucking livid as Luthers snoring was reaching an all time high (even Andy doesn't snore).
Took my self off to the spare room at 4am, Mmm nice clean crisp bedding and no 4 legged friends.

So the alarm went off at 8.22am (just over 4 hours sleep), Opened my eyes and there was Luther on my pillow, he'd fucking followed me!!!!!!!

So am exhausted...understandably!!!!

So what was the point to this post, oh yeah....Happy Birthday Rachel.

DIDN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS PROPERLY - NAUGHTY!

1. First name? RUTH
2. Were you named after anyone?. PROBABLY HER IN BIBLE
3. Do you wish on stars? NO
4. When did you last cry? LAST NIGHT AT ‘RAISING HELEN’
5. Do you like your handwriting? YES – VERY MUCH
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? CHICKEN
7. What is your birthday? 11/9/83
8. What was your most embarrassing situation? . RUNNING INTO AN EX F**K BUDDY
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? OF COURSE – WHO WOULDN’T BE!
10. Do you have a diary? . NO – CAN’T BE BOTHERED!
11. What are your nicknames? RUTHY (V.BORING)
12. Would you bungee jump? NO WAY – PETRIFIED OF HIEGHTS!
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? SOMETIMES
14. Do you think that you are strong? .NOT REALLY
15. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? .VANILLA
16. Shoe Size? 5
17. Red or Pink? PINK
18.Favorite sandwich? HOT BEEF SANDWICH WITH GRAVY
19. What / Who do you miss most? MARK
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? NOT FUSSED
21. What colour knickers and shoes are you wearing right now? BLACK KNICKERS AND WHITE TRAINERS
22.What are you listening to right now? BBC RADIO 2
23. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? PINK
24. Earliest memory? STEVEN F L I C K I N G ME
25. What is the weather like right now? SUNNY & WARM
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? MARK
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? TEETH/SMILE
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I HAVE TO SHES MY SISTER
29. Favourite drink? LAGER
30. Favourite Sport? TENNIS (ONLY WATCHING IT THOUGH)
31. Hair Colour? BLONDE
32. Eye Colour? GREY
33. Do you wear contacts? NOPE
34. Favourite Food? SHEPHERDS PIE (ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE)
35. Last Movie You Watched? .RUSH HOUR 2
36. Favourite Day Of The Year? CHRISTMAS DAY
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? HAPPY ENDINGS
38. Summer or winter? WINTER
39. Hugs OR Kisses? BOTH
40. What Is Your Favourite Dessert? CHOCOLATE CAKE
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? MARK
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? MARK IF HES BUSY
43. Who lives in your house? ME, MUM, DAD, STEVEN & TINA
44. What books are you reading? THE OC
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? NOTHING ITS JUST GREEN
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? A DVD
47. Favourite Smells? FRESH BREAD
48. Favourite Sounds? LAUGHTER
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? BEATLES
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? TURKEY ON HOLIDAY

1. First name? Emma
2. Were you named after anyone? Peal (Avengers)
3. Do you wish on stars? I wish I was on ‘Stars in their eyes!’
4. When did you last cry? Ages ago. Can’t even remember.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yes.
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? What?!
7. What is your birthday? 12/01/79
8. What was your most embarrassing situation? To many to remember!
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? I think so yes, who knows?!
10. Do you have a diary? No11. What are your nicknames? Roadhouse, Roadkill, Roadeo, Hemorrhoids,
12. Would you bungee jump? No chance
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No.
14. Do you think that you are strong? Quite strong for a puny girl!
15. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? .Chocolate
16. Shoe Size? 7
17. Red or Pink? red
18.Favorite sandwich? Toasted cheese
19. What / Who do you miss most? Miss Matt when he has to go away with work, Sad I know!
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? If they want
21. What colour knickers and shoes are you wearing right now? Silver pumps, black pants, woo hoo!
22.What are you listening to right now? Lynsey in my office
23. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Yellow
24. Earliest memory? I have no memory!
25. What is the weather like right now? Over cast
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Some bint tenant from Scotland
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? They could generally run faster
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, lots.
29. Favourite drink? Vodka, diet coke, ice and a slice!30. Favourite Sport? Horizontal jogging
31. Hair Colour? Blonde
32. Eye Colour? Blue
33. Do you wear contacts? yup34. Favourite Food? Chips, pie, peas and gravy
35. Last Movie You Watched? .Napoleon dynamite, funny as fook! 36. Favourite Day Of The Year? August bank holiday37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy endings
38. Summer or winter? summer
39. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses and hugs!
40. What Is Your Favourite Dessert? Lemon meringue. I know it’s weird, but I bloody love it!
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Kazza
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Don’t really know any of the others!
43. Who lives in your house? Farida, Damien and my sexy boyfriend Matt
44. What books are you reading? Just read the Jodie Marsh autobiography, which is surprisingly entertaining.
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Some shite recruitment agency
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Have I got News for you
47. Favourite Smells? Boy smells and Sunday roast
48. Favourite Sounds? The sea and good tunes!
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Ooooh tough one, have to be the beatles.
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? USA

Got this from Karen

1. First name? Richard
2. Were you named after anyone? No, but I was nearly named Richard Bradford Stephenson after the city
3. Do you wish on stars? Eh? No
4. When did you last cry? Monday 1 August watching Armageddon
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yes
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? Ham
7. What is your birthday? 23 January, every year
8. What was your most embarrassing situation? So many, how can I pick one!
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Probably.
10. Do you have a diary? Two, a paper one for personal and an online one for work but they are appointment diaries not Adrian Mole type diaries.
11. What are your nicknames? I have none now (that I know of) but in the past I have been known as Smiley, Noddy and Bernard
12. Would you bungee jump?No
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No, not even on my lace shoes
14. Do you think that you are strong? Yes
15. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Sainsburys Indulgence Merry Christmas Pudding Flavour or Gino Ginelli Toffee flavour but as they don’t sell them any more it would be Rum and Raisin, Tutti Frutti, Milk Choc Chip, Rasperry Ripple or really creamy and vanilla-ey Vanilla
16. Shoe Size? 11
17. Red or Pink? Pink
18. Favourite sandwich? Smoked Ham, Mustard Mayonnaise and Lettuce, or Tongue or Chicken Salad, or Ham and Coleslaw, or Potted Meat
19. What / Who do you miss most? Erm, I miss my friends, I miss having regular sex, I miss the times when I didn’t need to iron, I miss being more innocent and naïve and not realising.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? As Karen says, no, blog it
21. What colour knickers and shoes are you wearing right now? Black shoes, lilac checked boxers
22.What are you listening to right now? Nothing.
23. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Burgundy
24. Earliest memory? Tracy Barlow being born on Coronation Street when I was 2. I don’t remember my brother being born a month earlier!
25. What is the weather like right now? Sunny, slightly windy, not too warm
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Workmate Janet
27. The first thing you notice about the same sex? Eyes, body, smile – all together!
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Very much indeed
29. Favourite drink? Stella Artois
30. Favourite Sport? No favourite sport
31. Hair Colour? Brown and grey
32. Eye Colour? Blue and green and grey
33. Do you wear contacts? No
34. Favourite Food? Chilli con carne made by my mum with a jacket potato, a baguette made with french flour and lots of yellow butter for the bread and the potato!
35. Last Movie You Watched? On TV: Aliens on Sunday. On video: Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring last night. On DVD: To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar last Tuesday. At the cinema: Fantastic Four on Wednesday.
36. Favourite Day Of The Year? Christmas Eve.
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Scary Movies
38. Summer or winter? Winter
39. Hugs OR Kisses? Both!
40. What Is Your Favourite Dessert? Sticky Toffee Pudding or Tiramisu.
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Richard – he’s a sucker for these
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Karen – she’s already done it.
43. Who lives in your house? Chepstow House? Me and about 100 others. My abode? Just me
44. What books are you reading? The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail.
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? A mouse
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? The Simpsons, Corrie, BBLB, BB
47. Favourite Smells? Vanilla, bread, coffee, creosote, the sea
48. Favourite Sounds? Moving water (waterfalls, rain, the sea – all of it)
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Stones
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? San Francisco

I've been told

1. First name? Richard
2. Were you named after anyone?. My older sister was named before me.
3. Do you wish on stars? No.
4. When did you last cry? Yesterday (oh shut up, one of the people in the book I was reading died)
5. Do you like your handwriting? Not really. I've got a thing about handwriting. There's nothing wrong with it, but I wish it was perfectly elegant. (yes, I'm a freak)
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? Bacon.
7. What is your birthday? It's the day that you're born on.
8. What was your most embarrassing situation? . Um....probably when my friend passed out dead drunk at Kings Cross at the police thought that I'd assualted her and wanted to arrest me and take her to the hospital.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yes. (But I'd talk about me behind my back)
10. Do you have a diary? . Yes, it's called a Blog you fool.
11. What are your nicknames? Don't have one.
12. Would you bungee jump? Yes
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Depends on how drunk I am.
14. Do you think that you are strong? . No. Physically or emotionally.
15. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? . Not a big ice cream fan, but chocolate I suppose.
16. Shoe Size? 10 and a half.
17. Red or Pink? Red.
18.Favorite sandwich? I always get the wrong sandwich. Always. Ask anyone.
19. What / Who do you miss most? Cartoons. Dogtanian. Dungeons and Dragons. Thundercats. Cities of Gold.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? I'm not going to send it to anyone.
21. What colour knickers and shoes are you wearing right now? White boxers/brown shoes.
22.What are you listening to right now? Despair (aka an open plan office)
23. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Brown
24. Earliest memory? Trying to push our old lawn mover.
25. What is the weather like right now? Tepid.
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? I honestly can't remember.
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Is she drunk.
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Absolutely.
29. Favourite drink? Stella baby. Stella.
30. Favourite Sport? Football.
31. Hair Colour? Black
32. Eye Colour? Black
33. Do you wear contacts? No
34. Favourite Food? My Aunty's stuffing.
35. Last Movie You Watched? Star Trek Insurrection
36. Favourite Day Of The Year? Friday
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy Endings.
38. Summer or winter? Summer
39. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses
40. What Is Your Favourite Dessert? Warm chocolate brownies and icecream.
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Karen.
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? N/A
43. Who lives in your house? Bear in the blue house.
44. What books are you reading? The crystal throne
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? N/A
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Didn't.
47. Favourite Smells? Alcohol of any sort.
48. Favourite Sounds? General pub background noise.
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Stones.
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? Home is where the heart is

Got this from Sam

1. First name? Karen
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope.
3. Do you wish on stars? Nope
4. When did you last cry? at Love actually on Sunday night.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yeah.
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? Tongue
7. What is your birthday? 25 April
8. What was your most embarrassing situation? I don't get embarrassed very easily.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? God, no, I'd hate me, and think I was hideously self-opinionated and bossy and gobby.
10. Do you have a diary? Online AND paper. I'm dead organised, me.
11. What are your nicknames? Horns, Kazza
12. Would you bungee jump? Would I fook.
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Don't own any lace up shoes, how old do you think i am? 8?.
14. Do you think that you are strong? Dunno, not mentally, but i can lift heavy stuff! Oh i don't understand the question.
15. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Vanilla or that posh Baileys one.
16. Shoe Size? 6
17. Red or Pink? Pink.
18.Favorite sandwich? Phil pots, chicken, bacon,advocado salad.
19. What / Who do you miss most? Noone and nothing.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? NO blog it
21. What colour knickers and shoes are you wearing right now? Black shoes, blue pants and pink bra, i'm so co-ordinated! NOT!
22.What are you listening to right now? David's singing, well bellowing, the phones, the fork-lift.
23. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Orange
24. Earliest memory? Toby our jack russell following me to school, that'd be 31 years ago!
25. What is the weather like right now? V. warm, just right!
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Steven Horners voicemail
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Dunno, it's a long time since i've looked, maybe bum.!
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes indeed.
29. Favourite drink? Coffee, i can live without any alcohol beacuse there's always an alternative, but try take my coffee off me in a morning!.
30. Favourite Sport? None really.
31. Hair Colour? Faux blonde
32. Eye Colour? Blue/grey
33. Do you wear contacts? Nope
34. Favourite Food? Indian
35. Last Movie You Watched? Love actually.
36. Favourite Day Of The Year? 1st day of the Christmas holidays.
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Both, equally.
38. Summer or winter? Winter!
39. Hugs OR Kisses? Ooooh, kisses.
40. What Is Your Favourite Dessert? fruity puddings, anything wiothout chocolate i guess.
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Matt
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Ruth
43. Who lives in your house? me and the cats (the pidgeon has moved out).
44. What books are you reading? Where rainbows end, started it before BB, don't rate it actually.
45. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Luther (the shame).
46. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Eastenders, Big Brother and $ex inspectors.
47. Favourite Smells? Cut grass, bacon sarnies when hungover.
48. Favourite Sounds? The sea (resisted being soppy there).
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Both, equally.
50. What's the furthest you've been from home? Hill top for a wee behind the Co-op.

I still feel sick

This really isn't good, the 1st time ever I've had a 3 day hangover.

It's official I'm past it, I'm getting too old for all these shenanigans.

News just in from the last 24 hrs, could only find tracky bottoms to buy in Next yesterday lunch,arrived home Monday 6pm, feeling like a salmonella victim, was too ill to fetch bin from main road.

Watered garden while trying to ignore Tony over the fence telling me about their 2 week holiday in Bulgaria (ooh we won't go again, it was all for the Germans, belly ache, belly ache), Bugsy Bev was then telling me, she'd put in for a council house as it was too quiet round here for her, plus Damian, sorry i meant Aaron didn't have anyone to play with.
Yeah right, you daft cow, i know Alan has given you your notice and more or less evicted you!

Had a bubble bath, to rid nasty alcohol toxins from oneself, then started laughing like the insane ,about Emma's Mum's spikey eggs, it's official i've lost it!

Ate tea, then Katy phoned r.e Dublin and was i about on Saturday night as Grant is on the rugby tour in Birmingham? plus where was i last Saturday? was on the phone forever as she can't 1/2 gab, phoned Rhian back afterwards and confirmed that this Friday was good to deliver/visit. So no BB eviction party, people..........soz!
Then phoned Matt, was on the phone for 1 1/2 hrs, gossiping, bitching and putting the world to rights.

As usual the phone call ended at exactly the same time as the start of Big Brother.
So bed to watch t.v for 2 hours, feel so fucking shabby today..........have been to tailors, dry cleaners, bank, Morrisons and for keys cutting, plus had some cereal, emailed Ruth and Caroline............taking it easy for the rest of the day, as David is going to Marbella in the morning for 5 weeks, so i will need to conserve my energy for running the empire.

Meet the fockers...

Not written all week because I have been too preoccupied with shitting myself at the prospect of Matt meeting my Mum and step dad (lurch). I have tried to be as normal as possible up until this point. Yes that’s right, we had been summoned for Sunday lunch at my Mums house and she was cooking. She is the worst cook in the world, some examples of her culinary offerings are Spag bol without the spaghetti (me and your Dad don’t like spaghetti) pancakes with ox tail soup (just for fun) fried eggs with chips but the fried eggs are cooked also in the deep fryer, so when you crack them in they cook on the way down leaving a scary looking spiky egg. She hasn’t a clue what food goes with what. Like pasta and gravy.

Anyway, I’ll start with Friday night.
Bit of a works do in town. Speed necked around ten vodka’s in a couple of hours, my friend Lynsey from work offered me a lift home, but cos I was a bit pissed I got us very lost and ended up in Hunslet! I literally live 10 minutes from town. Ooops. She won’t ask again. Finally found my house, she knew where it was from work, so we had to go via work. I was so embarrassed! Got in, Matt sat on the sofa surrounded by empty cans shit faced. We lumped on and drank until we went blind.

Saturday, went to Primark in Wakefield where I bought knickers, bedding, tea towels, bath mat, couple of tops, a million black socks, all for £38!
I went into Leeds to change a top at Zara, bought some Dunlop green flash at a bargain price of £20. Bought Matt a wind breaker jacket from size which he looks very fit in.
Matt treated me to a nice lunch at Harvey Nics then we went to meet friends Greg, Jane, Hag, Sarah, Iffy and Baldy in the Oak. Sat outside in the beer garden and got pissed. All of us then decided to buy some coke and go back to Sarah’s loft for more drinking and dancing while her boyfriend was on the decks.
Was a funny night, we all talked shite and had dance off’s till the early hours. Matt and I stumbled the small journey home back to mine. I think it took 30 minutes on what should have been a 10 minute walk!

Sunday – Judgement day…
Oh my god, woke feeling very precious indeed. Had approx 3 hours kip. I knew I had to be at my mums for 12 and we couldn’t find the car and we had an hour’s journey ahead of us!
Found the car in Headingley, set off for North Nottinghamshire.
We arrived at my Mums. It was all very weird. Poor Matt had to be subjected to my Mum showing him round the garden and showing off the curtains she had made for the camper van. Sat down to lunch. It wasn’t too bad; my step dad had cooked instead, so it wasn’t too scary. Matt was very nervous bless him and conversation was a little stilted around the table to say the least.
Then Mum starts telling us a story of a recent experience of hers…
She went to Clumber Park in the camper van (yeah like that’s normal, it’s only down the road!) on her own to read a book. As she wanted to avoid paying, she found a secluded spot where she wouldn’t be disturbed. After half an hour or so, I guy in a Merc pulled up right in front of my mums van and got out. He was suited and booted and talking on his phone. Another car then pulled up behind my Mums van completely blocking her in. Again, with another guy driving. My Mum was panicking at this point as it was all very strange and she was in the middle of nowhere. So, rather than ask them to move as she was shitting it, she rang her mate Mike the copper. He advised her to lock her doors and sit tight and he would come and get her.
At this point, we are all waiting with baited breath, she said Mike arrived and had a quiet word with the men and they moved on.
Me: ‘What was going on then Mum’
Mum: ‘Well, I don’t know quite what Mike meant, but he told me to ask your Dad’
Me: ‘Ask Dad what’.
Mum: ‘He said they were DOGGING!’
With this, Matt chokes on his wine and my step dad is shaking his head.
Mum: ‘What’s it mean then Em, I don’t even have a bloody dog.’
Me: ‘Why doesn’t Matt explain?’
We filled her in anyway, and told her she would have looked like a professional dogger cos she had a big van!
It was a definite ice breaker anyway.
Went outside to look at the fish pond then left back to sunny Leeds at around 5.
Luckily, Matt liked my family, said my Mum is well on another planet, but it all went well. Even though she is a dogger.

Went to the chippy for chips and curry sauce, got home, read my book in bed, had sex, read again, fell asleep around 11.

Hallo y'all

Hold on to your tampons, this is my hurricane speed review of my week off:

Friday: Worked till 7pm, went home and did nothing all day

Saturday: Did nothing all day

Sunday: Went out and replaced a shirt which had developed a hole in the slot for the left hand collar bone, bought a toilet bag and two towels. Met up with Warren and Caroline and after a short wander looking for blister plasters and somewhere to eat we ended up in Churchills where we had a nice meal and a few drinks. And then some more drinks and then more and more and more. Warren and Caroline went but I stayed and got steadily more and more drunk. Chatted to a boy called Liam who was 20 and said he was going to become a rent boy charging £150 per hour, I told him nobody would pay. I chatted to some other people who I don’t really remember, chatted to a girl called Fay who I see quite often and who owes me £10. Ended up sitting next to a shortish 43 year old who was balding who was the most energetic dancer in the world. He told me he fancied me and made me dance with him but as soon as we were both stood up he just kissed me so I continued to kiss him as that’s preferable to dancing. He took my number and said he was off work on Tuesday and would give me a ring! Walked home via the Chinese and ordered £31.20 of Chinese food (like you do). Got home at 12.30, nine and a half hours after arriving at Churchills!

Monday: Slept till 10. Ate the rest of the Chinese food. Watched Armageddon and cried like a baby. Watched Columbo and slept a lot. Didn’t get dressed till 3.45pm Ventured out at 4pm for a CD rack and a phone top up card.

Tuesday: Didn’t get dressed till 3.30pm, went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Wednesday: Didn’t get dressed till 2pm but did iron a lot of shirts. Went to the Trafford Centre, had a McChicken Meal, saw Fantastic Four, bought a Hat for Michelle’s baby. Bought a padded envelope and some cotton. Went to Churchills. Accidentally threw away the cotton. (Bah, that’s £1.09 completely wasted!). Ended up sitting next to an old crone who I gave a pound to to buy some more beer. Walked home after two. Nearly fell in the canal after deciding to cross the canal on a lock gate rather than the bridge (to save less than one minute’s walk).

Thursday: Up early. Left at 11.30 got the train to Huddersfield, Warren picked me up. We walked into town but never made lunch as we were too late at the Wickham. Drank 5 pints and then went home. Had fish and chips for tea. Went to the Wickham. We lost by one point. Bah!

Friday: Up early again. Went into town to buy provisions for journey to Durham. Alastair was 45 minutes late in picking me up. Had provisions near Catterick staring at the White Horse some 10 miles away. Got to hotel eventually. Watched telly for a couple of hours, ventured out and drank. Not an eventful night as far as I recall - except for a scary man in the first pub. Durham has some very fit men!!

Saturday: Watched Telly from 9 till about 1.50. Set off for Hadrian’s Wall. We were looking for a pub to have something to eat but nowhere was still serving food as we’d set off so late. Got to Hadrian’s wall and we drove along and turned back stopping off at a funny building which was a tea shop. Drank tea in what looked like a man’s living room and had a lovely cream and jam scone all for £3 per person. I was harangued by the man’s mother who reminded me of my long departed Granny. She was a bit forgetful, a Geordie and just talked about anything. Anyway we left there and ended up at Chesters Roman Fort which was very interesting indeed and after an hour or so there set off home. Got out at 20.30. Had a bite to eat and then a couple of pints and then got a cab home.

Sunday: I tried to stay awake all night as my snoring had woken Alastair the night before (although if he only woke up 5 times, I would say that’s v lucky, I wake up about ten times on a normal night). Therefore I was dog-tired all day. Finally woke up at 10.30. Watched telly till 12.30 and then checked out and went into town for something to eat. Had a nice mixed grill with nasty chips and after buying bread and milk we set off home without seeing the Cathedral (which was my primary reason for going in the first place so I will have to return at some point – its only two and a half hours by train) I slept most of the way on the A1. I was awake at first and then dozed for or half an hour or so and then for the next half an hour or so I tried to stay awake but everytime I even blinked I fell asleep and began dreaming immediately. I then began to confuse what I was saying in my sleep and when I was awake so I realised I should just shut up – but this made me fall asleep and so before I knew it we were on the M62 at J27. Refreshed I stayed awake till we got home where A dropped me off and he carried on home. For the rest of the night I just slept and watched telly. I was really looking forward to spaghetti on toast for tea but I had run out of washing up liquid and didn’t fancy having to clean burned on tomato sauce that had dried on for 24 hours today so had toast for tea.