Part 2 as promised

Thursday.
It only took me 3 1/2 hours to drive down to Great bloody Yarmouth so i was there at 3pm, so early in fact that i'd ruined Sarah's day as she'd planned to have a kip before my arrival, Soorreeey!
It was 24 degrees, so we sat in the garden and ate pizza and salad, Sarah's new love interest Simon called as he was just passing, he stayed an hour laying on the grass drinking beer and making eyes at Sarah (what the fuck is the boy playing at? just shag her damn it).
So living at Sarah's pace (she has 2 speeds, slow and stop), soon realised we had been sat in the garden for 5 hours drinking beer, so we got a wriggle on donned on our glad rags and got the bus into Yarmouth, £1.20each.
Had 2 lagertops in Spoons, Katy arrived.....bless her, she had recovered from her drought by getting laid last Tuesday with an off shore oil rigger from North Wales.
Had two more beers in the long bar, it was karaoke and loads of Chavs got up to sing, one girl did an Alanis Morrisette number she was bozz eyed, so i reckon she was reading the words with one eye.

We went back home after that as we were both tired, we had sausage sarnies for supper and went to bed at 1.00am.

Up with the larks Friday a.m, showered then we had a jocker cooked breakfast joined by Dan, who is Sarah's kind of wife.
So while we went to the beach, Dan was cutting the grass, and getting BBQ ready, making home made coleslaw and stuff........poor boy.
After we'd been in the sea, had ice-cream, cold drinks in the beer garden and i'd thrashed Sarah's ass at crazy golf (forfeit being she had to call Dan gorgeous 5 times in different sentences through out the evening, we returned via tescos for more beer and sausage.
Sera and Matt had just arrived, hooray!!!!!!

Dan did us proud as he prepared all the food, i did feel a bit guilty.....not!
Sera and Matt wanted to play drinking games, this is when the real car crash commenced, a card game called ring of fire, in short we all ended up wellied, Dan joined in with Gusto, only to end up wanging his guts up in the shower/bath/toilet after downing 5 or 6 cans of John Smiths bitter.
Poor Dan, i have learned my lesson the few times i've been drinking with Sera and Matt (they are true mentalists with no stop button), but funny as fuck.
Before i knew what was happening we were in the feathers, Me, Sarah, Sera, Matt, Dan and Simon, playing killer pool.........with pints of Diesel (1/2 Stella, 1/2 Strongbow and a dash of black).
We stayed till midnight, i knew i was ready for bed as i was laying on the pub floor texting AP.
We then had a heated discussion about whether It was Green or yellow that was the 3rd primary colour, turned out (as proved on the internet at a ridiculous hour)that yellow isn't a primary colour, the forfeit made by Matt was for everyone to run into the sea naked at 10am the next morning.........i don't think so!!!
Went back home and we all had a smirnoff ice in the garden, Sera was asleep on the grass...........oh we were a disgrace.

Up and about at 9.30am Saturday...showered and we all had croissants, bacon butties, orange and coffee in the garden.
I left at 10.45am, as i wanted to get back to cats, have an afternoon nap and be refreshed to go out Saturday night.
Took 4 hours to drive home, was sooo glad to be back........even though cat had tipped the cat litter tray all over the carpet, vacced up and fell into bed, for a snooze before i met Spug at the end of her street at 6pm, walked down the greenway to the sportsclub, carcrash mark 2, we sat with Joff and Hemmy and some guy called Cloughy who's stopped smoking but kept cadging mine behind his wife's back.

As noone else was playing out, we slowly drank ourselves into oblivion and stayed at the club all night, Cloughy's wife knew my boss and a lot of the other jews in the clearance game and was asking how i slept at night (really well, with lots of free samples round my bed, thank-you very much).

By last orders, Spug was talking to Jenna who'd been to a wedding do and called in on the way back, i was sat with Andy, Caroline, Warren and Deano, Deano was looking down my top, saying "look at that cleavage, fuck Andy lets go back to mine", Andy said it was okay for him to be looking down my top as he was his best mate.????!!?

Caro, Woz, Deano and Blacky all shared a taxi, they were blathered as the 2nd team were all out for 37 and had been drinking since 3pm.
Jenna said she'd never seen Andy talk so much, he was rabbitting away about the Madrid tour and looking at all the photos on the club wall.
Spug, Jenna, Andy and me shared a cab and were all home well before midnight, how tragic is that?
But i suppose it's only like going out at 8pm and getting back at 2am, so we chatted and had beer (me and Andy that is), listened to Scissor sisters new album and got down to it, tried really hard not to laugh as he was taking my sock off with his teeth and doing a fine impression of Tony the frosties tiger. Oh he's a funny onion (fucking spacker).

Sun was a good day, Whitter called for 1/2 hr for a coffee and a chat, mainly about Jacko,
I did all my washing and stuff, then called at Marlo's.
Set off to club at 5.30pm, Spug was bowling, wrong, wrong, wrong, not this side of retirement. Then she was working behind the bar, so i chatted to Jenna mainly.
Had 5 lagertops, and sampled Mick Collins meat for a 2nd time, it was only £2 for a burger, salad, a sausage, lamb chop, pork steak and a chicken wing. Bargain!!!!!!
Anyhow Spug was the overall winner of the fun bowls comp. age 20 and to be good at crown green bowls????????

Then it was 8pm and Joff was tring to get me to play rounders (me, with high heeled boots on, running like Dawn French?) not........shared a taxi with Leeny and Daddy Spug and went to meet Dean, Rach, Ruth, Mark, Emma and Keiron in the Turnstiles, had 3 pints in there, congratulated Dean and Rach on their engagement, they left so us remaining 5 went to spoons, i had to depart fast as Ruth came back with the 3rd bottle of wine for me and her to share.

Was in slumber before the 11.

Bank holiday Monday, completely redeemed myself by acting like a 36yr old woman and not the drunken lush you have just been reading about, Marlene and i did my garden from the hours of 2 till 5, i'd already mowed the lawn and started the weeding before she got there so i felt justified to be reading my book on the picnic blanket when she arrived, however she still told me off like i was age 12 again.
So we weeded, seeded, watered, pruned, layed all the new bark and i have phoned Charlie Dimmock, to tell her i wouldn't dare be her.

Went to Marks for a BBQ tea with all the loving couples, so i hung around with Megan, who is also single, well being 11 weeks old she would be!

Today i am back at my desk after 10 days annual leave, GUTTED!!!

Ha ha

I want to be on holiday for ever........... working is overated!!!!!

Don't know what the fuck happened on Friday night, but we were in a right state!!!!
We stayed in spoons until nearly last orders with all the cricket lads/girlfriends and tagger onners, so by the time we all got to the station, we were wellied........the strong strong beer of the obediah brooke, had worked it's magic and made us shitfaced, Matt and i sang accapello then i fetched him the bin to wee in while i took my jeans down so Tina could shout at me.

Regal is one mass blur, but in sloppies i couldn't talk, MJ couldn't walk and Matt wanged his guts up all over Judy's curtains and carpet, Hayley was okay as she had been drinking blood.

Saturday, rose early and cooked some meals to freeze, Steven came round for a bit, stirred some pans and told me what i was doing wrong, Matt arrived at 3pm, had coffee then layed on my bed while i got ready, which he said took 1 1/2 hours, but it never!!!!!!

We then had the key trauma, Matt had lost his keys to his flat and his mums, we looked at his Mums, on the greenway, at the barbers, turned out they were in his toilet bag, where else would they be?
Matt and i went to Hartshead moor and had 2 pints, he made me sit on a wet bench which i wasn't happy about, so we watched Liam bat, while Matt oggled at Danny Squires in his whites, dropped my car off home then Taxied down to Cleck sports club, had 4 pints in there, sat with Caroline, Katy (hiya Karen), Clare, Kim, Debbie, Angela and Nichola, all the boys arrived from where ever they'd played, East Beirley i think.
Aporrait looked over 34 times, i chatted to Leeny and daddy Spug a while then at 9.30pm we got taxis to spoons, the lads had gone to the Turnstiles, we went to the Station for last, Matt sang some Andy Williams song and Sweet Caroline, i think i sang Annies song.
All and sundry were in the regal, i chatted to Andy all night, about work, my weeks plans, Matt's Mum, the 3 peaks, Deanos piles, congratulaed myself on acting like a proper adult not throwing my self at him, taking note that if i acted like a normal person, he would come to me and get hold of my hand and try to act like an ideal boyfriend.............it's the thrill of the chase see!
So i rose to go to the bar all smug like and promptly went arse over tit in all the spilt drinks and fag ash, jeans were caked in spilt lager and i had wet fag ash all over my white shoes, up my arm and all over my hands.
NICE!!! was fucking fortified, Mr Porrait had not seen me thank fuck, ............note to self, BURN, white stillettos, they are evil as this is twice i have fallen over in them, while sober!

Next some drunk man started fondling Warrens leg, i don't think he was gay, i just don't think he knew what day it was.
Matt swapped places with his brother, just in case, but the bouncers threw the drunk man out, don't really remember what else happened...........apart from Andy saying he didn't blame Liam for getting off with Debbie on Friday night, as he'd shag her!!!!!! told him that was an innapropriate thing to say, so he piped up "i meant if i wasn't with you"..........what a knob head??!!
No one else was up for more drinking, Caroline and Warren had fallen out, so me, Matt and Andy got a taxi to mine, me and Matt had a beer, Matt d.j'd while Andy was trying to pull me down on the sofa to kiss me really passionately (which was obviously not rude in front of Matt), sent Andy to bed and Matt and i sang show songs until going up to 3am.
Andy woke up as soon as i got into bed, so we sniggered at Matt snoring for a bit.........at least it was safe to shag as he was asleep.
So we did, next it was 9.30 and Matt's rabbitting away on his phone, tried to get back to sleep..........then i could hear Warren downstairs they were guessing which key was to lock the door............Struth, well serves me right for not getting up and making house guests breakfast.
Slept till 1pm the went to Marlo's in the afternoon for a couple of hours, picked Matt up at 5pm and over the pennines to MANchester.

Called as Sainsburys for supplies, got to the flat (and not the isis hotel, Matt had suggested we stay in if he hadn't found his keys........i mean what makes this man tick, we can't miss karaoke so we'll stay in a hotel and get a lock smith out on Monday!!!!!!!!!!!, not......oh we'll stay in Cleck and see if i left my keys at the barbers when it reopens Mon a.m.).

We went to a lovely cantonese restaurant for our evening meal, mine was a bit bland, but Matts was very nice and he kindly paid as a traet, what a nice man, if not a bit odd! hee hee!
We got down Anal street sorry i meant canal street about 7.30ish we got piss wet through, as we left the restarant and it was wanging it down, anyhow the evening was good, not many mentalists about , just a murderer who was pouring his glass of cake into a can.
Plus a man who was blind as a bad without his glasses, he's never been to churchills before but wasn't it brilliant?
Matt sang 24 hrs from Tulsa and another one i can't remember and i sang Love shine a light by Katrina and the waves, which really should have won the eurovision song contest.

Last orders were at 12.30....boo hiss! we flagged a cab down, then Matt got out at a shop for some rubbish we didn't need and added another £3 to the fayre.
Got to the flat i had a can of strongbow and Matt had a stella and we talked about really deep meaningful things unil 2.30, i was out like a light!

Monday a.m NO WORK!!!!!!!!!! hoorah!
Fucking cunting car rental people phoned my mobile as they had some incomplted paperwork and they needed to know what my car reg was.
BASTARDS!!!
Couldn't get back to sleep so layed till 11.00am listening to Matt potter about, got up and we had sausage and tomato butties, Matt had grilled enough for the whole block!
I suggested we phone people to brag we were on holiday, he phoned Warren and as he was dialling the number he said it out loud, turns out Warren and Caroline have got my old phoner number that i had for 11 years before i moved to the cottages!!!!!! how fucking random is that??
Got dressed and walked into Manchester past a really big pebble, i bought new jeans and Matt got a tie, underwear and more socks.

Then we went for a cold drink to Harvey Nichols.........." small cokes and Matt had a manhatten, £13.50 thank you very much, you can have a night out in Cleck for that.
We got the number 2 bus home and Matt had a cold sausage i grabbed my stuff and dropped Matt at the cinema (he was going to see star wars, what a loser), home mid afternoon, did 3 loads of washing and chilled out for the rest of the day, phoned Sama nd Kay for a quick natter, then Spuggy phoned for a weekend update from Skegness, where she is having the time of her life, erm not!!!!!!!!
Watched a chick flick and had some wine as i am on holiday and i can.

Yesterday that's Tuesday, shopped for britain............went out with the intention of buying some bedding plants and bark, came home with pale pink stillettos, 2 new books, bird seed and nuts, 2 packs of turkey breasts to spoil cats as i am leaving them with Marlene, loads of other drek i didn't need from the supermarket and Jim's prescription from the quacks as mother is starting with altzeimers and had "driven straight past on her way home from line dancing". God and thjey say we eventually turn into our parents, if i can chose, i'll be Jim.

Watched t.v all night then got the ironing board out at 10.15pm as i am on holiday, therefore there is no fixed bed time, i can go to sleep when i like!!!!!!!! ha ha who's a winner?

Hang on, i don't think ironing late at night is anything, to brag about let alone trying to convince anyone i am a winner, for doing the same.

Erm?? next i had a couple of E's got out of my p.j's and Rudie took me to leeds, where i went clubbing and danced all night off my tits. Yep that's right.

Slept in today, have done nothing other than go to mums, also went to the secret garden in Hartshead to but bark, they didn't have any or maybe they did and i was kept in a "secret" place, so went to B&Q, bought 200 litres of coloured decorative bark, nearly did myself an injury lugging it all into the garden, like Steven who yesterday dropped a pallet on his foot and is off work, coincidently the same week the cricket is on!!

So I am blogging in Stevens bedroom, he is tidying round me as the estate agents are coming to take interior photos of the house tomorrow, i however am setting off to Great Bluddy Yarmouth, early doors to see that Sarah, nursey nursey!! Tame weekend planned, i have taped all footage of the chelsea flower show for us to watch while roudy people are in the boozer on Friday night..........

Erm, not!! watch this space for part two.

The calm before the storm?

Have decided that the reason last weekend was so pants and that I've had such a dull week so far (more of that later), is i am inadvertently preserving my energy for the 2 pending weekends.

Matt and i have created our own bank holiday this weekend, as in .....we will still be at kip next Monday morning when all you sad losers are at your work places.

Haahahhaaaaaaa how smug are we!

Matt has taken the day off (i have the entire week off), as we are going 'a singing and 'a dancing down cANAL street, Manchester Sunday night..........whoopee!!!!!!

But that's not all, i have convinced Mr. Stephenson to start the festivities in Clecksville, so our dancing shoes are going to take some wellying this weekend, his parents are entertaining on Saturday night so he is to stay the night in my lilac room.
Hooray, we're going to be roomies, well kind of!! next roomies.

Then the weekend after this, i am to start the bank holiday with grade A mentalist Sarah in that place far far away that's not so sunny!! i hope to fuck that the weekend, will consist of pyjamas night with wine and Chinese then maybe a trip to the local pub or a dance in Rosie's and NOT white water rafting, camping and wind surfing dressed in some old dead persons yellow shirt, i really wouldn't put this past her, i also hope that her landlord is away in some foreign land with his Philippino bride to be, then i can have a bed.

Anyway enough of that...........

My wild wild week so far,

Monday: worked then called at Kay's on the way home for my hair cutting, her 3 yr old William, informed me that his mum has promised him a brother or sister and that he quite fancied a black baby. Dropped Hayley a kettle off on the way back.

Tuesday: worked, no that's not strictly true, boss was away shooting at Ripley castle, so we spent the entire day, hoisting stock and filling our carboots with staff sales, for those of you who know the nature of our business, we purchase consumer goods for approx 10% of the retail price.
So we can get many a bargain, plus if we don't buy the products we get to keep as many samples as we like, great stuff!
This week i have managed to accumulate the following, for myself, friends and family (yes we did need them).
6 Kenwood irons
4 Kenwood kettles
3 hand mixers
4 kitchen scales
2 bathroom scales
1 deep fat fryer
1 juicer
1 water filter
3 toilet seats
1 garden planter
1 picnic table and 4 chairs
1 box of grass seed

Spent Tuesday night delivering the above, like a betterware lady.
Had Chinese for tea as i am a millionaire and can afford to eat take out every night.
Watched t.v and Matt phoned for a chat.

Wednesday: erm.....spent all morning emailing Matt and Richard, then went to the whiterose at lunch, to get Marlo a rugby shirt in a different colour than the one she already has....i know!!!!!!
Was jiggered last night fell a sleep on the sofa, awoke and instead of going up to bed, decided to wash the already clean spare room bedding, towels, rugs and throws.....like a deranged lunatic i was still waiting for the tumble dryer to finish at midnight.
Sam phoned "to keep in touch", just before desperate housewives.

Thursday: that'll be today then.
This morning i have taken out on-line pet insurance for all 3 cats, as Sam's poorly dog Romy has already cost them £350 smackers. (better to be safe than sorry).

Other chores of the morning, been to building society, the bank, the accountants, fetched refreshments, filled car with free works Deisel (for my travels the coming week), called for M&S lunches, looked for some new jeans (fuckoff i need them, 9 pairs are not enough). Been to get some Canadian dollars and Euros from Thomas cook, called in boots for make-up and toiletries, am emailing Sam and Matt at present as well as blogging, see......... if i am.......... typing in boss's eyes i am........ working...........Genius!!!!!!!!!

I'm scared...think I've got one of those boyfriend things...

Well, let me start from the top. Last time I blogged, I was fancying Lee. I’ll take you back to last weekend.

I skived work on Friday as I had gone out Thursday and got wankered. Cocaine, free booze etc. Really bad. My Mum had called Thursday to tell me she had been in hospital and was diagnosed with arthritis in her spine, hips and knees. I don’t get on particularly well with her (shite presents for Christmas, charging me £250 to help me move house, etc) but all the same, felt a bit upset for her. I vowed I was to take the day off work and go over to see her. Unfortunately when I woke up still drunk, I decided to text both Lee and Matt to see if they wanted to join me on a day session.
Sorry Mum!!

Matt text first saying he had booked the day off for Anglesey (he was meant to be taking me) I’ve not seen him in ages, but now he’s dumped his bird, a mid day bender is ok now. He said he would pick me up at lunch time and we would go for lunch.

Had a shower, shaved, and got dressed. Lee then text back saying he would meet later as he has some work to do. Your loss!

Matt arrived. He is so fit. I wanted to sh*g him there and then. It was really quite awkward at first as I haven’t seen him in a while and I was by this point feeling quite hung over. Made our way to the box in Headingley via his flat. His ex is still living there so felt a bit uneasy even just looking round. It’s very nice though, in a big Victorian building with really cool retro furniture and lovely views. Spotted a Marie Claire on the coffee table which made me feel a bit uneasy, but hey. Oh, and horrible shoes in the hall way.

Got to the box bar in Headingley. Had a chicken wrap and numerous pints of Stella. Felt drunk all over again and things loosened up. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Unfortunately his ex works at the same place as him, but it was her last day as she had found another job. It was also her subsequent leaving party that night. He ended up sacking off the leaving party and doing sh*t loads of pills and coke with me, Farida and his mate Dan instead. I had amazing sex too that night.

So there you have it. Ever since he has become my boyfriend. Its official, cos we agreed we were going out when we were p*ssed. I am an eternally single girl, so this is quite weird for me. He doesn’t get on my nerves or under my feet like most men. We are also arranging a mini break to Brighton. This weekend just gone I was in London to see my brother, so we had time apart. Other than that we have seen each other most nights. How scary is that. We even talk on the phone!! Wooo! Had a works do Thursday night and he came to pick me up when it had finished. To make sure I got home ok. All that’s got to happen now is his ex to move out of his flat!!

PS: Matt, brilliant story about the fruit cake!! Laughed out loud at my desk!! Nutter!

Disappointing

No action whatsoever.....Yawn yawn

Friday did knack all at work, apart from fetching 2 x 18" pizzas from Costco at lunchtime, they were shite don't buy them.
Then took boss's sons Elliott and Daniel home to Allyidley, aka Allwoodley....yid, geddit?

The usual girlys out in the evening with the absence of Jo, maybe she's still in bed with her t'internet shag!
Well what can i say, we got in as much bother as a pack of nuns, it was SHITE!!!!!!!!

Dean and Rach came out just until last orders, big Mo was baby sitting!
I went to speak to Lynne in the Station, fed up of bumping in to her in the same pubs, for goodness sake i don't dislike the girl and it was getting a bit awkward, she hugged me then said "you can never stop being my friend, i know your soul".........okay then, was positively freaked!!!

Hayley, Beth, Spug, Tina and me went to the regal bar, which was erm, shite!
Nobody exciting out, Spug and me went for curry before midnight and left Hayley busting shapes on the dancefloor, think mebbe she had had a few sneaky lines of coke............ in bed for 12.30, told you rubbish!!

Saturday was much better.

Took old clothes to charity shop, in order to make space in wardrobe for my shopping addiction, called at tescos for supplies and bought myself some tulips as the last man to buy me flowers was erm!!!??! i'll get back to you on that one.

Met Spug at 4.30pm and we walked down to the sportsclub via the greenway, was a nice afternoon, we drank shandy in the sunshine...watched Andy play cricket, he was bowling 1/2 the time and the rest of the afternoon he was stood about with his hands in his pockets looking a bit gormless.
Chatted to Warren and Caroline (they'd been to tescos that morning for a bargain £2.50 breakfast, how old are they?).
Also chatted to Matt's Dad who loves his juicer and it's costing him a fortune in fruit, Katy and Chris were there with their puppy, Ozzy.
Oh yeah and Terry was there after bowls, couldn't look at him though was too embarrassed.

Dean, Rach and Hayley arrived with baby Megan, we had one more pint then went inside as it was getting a tad chilly.
Talked drivel, Megan started crying as she was hungry, so the House family left, Hayley went to take over Jennas shift behind the bar, the boys came in after Cricket (Cleck lost).

Dean Worrall came over and kneed me up the arse then swung me round, John Porritt came over to say hiya Karen, Andy was outside talking to some geezer.
He did however come into the bar later and looked over in slow motion, Spug burst out laughing which wasn't ideal.
What a strange strange relationship we have and what a very very difficult cycle to break.
I didn't create too much of a fuss as i expected the boys to be in town later, Warren and Caroline were supposedly going to a posh italian Restaurant in Brighouse but when Spug and i departed at 9pm, they were still guzzling pints of easy rider and bottles of blue wkd respectively.

We met Beth and Tina in spoons had 2 in there, 1 in the Turnstiles and 1 in the Station, by which time i descided to have water as i was so full of beer if i tilted my head forward i feared i might spill some.

Regal, we sat down until it busied up, (it never did)...Spug left at 11.30pm.

We 3 ventured to the 1/2 dead dancefloor, i was absolutely determined not to have my night cut short because Andy hadn't turned up, i was staying for the duration.
Randoms on the dancefloor, some man with earrings pawing Tina, Eugene from the film Grease, wearing a tweed jacket and jam jar bottom glasses, thought he'd try his look with me, i stared at him horrified until Loz rasta d.j scooped me up into the box and said "i sense all is not well, i am always looking out for you , anyone causing you any discomfort you tell them that you are with me, that i am your man".

Who needs batman, when we have our own resident superhero sporting a string vest?!?

Tina followed me in the ladies and was bellowing "Karen are you in here? just sometimes you say you're nipping to the loo then go home without telling anyone".
Realised Beth had left, so just we two remaining.

What else, Neil Jackson swung me round as said i smelt lovely, my weekly bath did the trick then.

Some boy at the bar offered to buy me a beer, he was called Raymond Binns, but i could call him Binnsy!! he built garages but his main source of income came from his wheeling and dealing and he was in Andy Porritts class at school..... okay then!

We left near to the end, Tina insisted i go for curry, i wasn't really that fussed.......but went anyway, we then decided now would be a good time to have a really deep and meaningfull conversation about the men in our life and how much we really really got on, one hour later we were still sat there....oh heck! Javved wasn't fussed.

Bedfordshire 2am.

Sunday the Sabbath the day of rest.
Awoke early looked at the roller bling that i had rived off the wall last night in a drunken stupor, fixed it then drove to Marlos, to retrieve my lawnmower they had borrowed weeks ago.
Mowed lawn, weeded garden did 2 loads of washing, made a roast beef Sunday dinner, stripped bed, started a new book, it then got to 7.30pm i was doing lots of tutting and pacing about, realised i was bored ridged.............need to go out,called Ruth who was going to Martyns and wouldn't be coming to the pub, also called MJ who had been at a christening all day and had no intention of going out tonight! phoned superstar Spug and arranged to have a few lagertops at 8pm.

Hoorah!

Had 5 beers in the pub, was a very pleasant evening, nice chats, James arrived with t'other 1/2 James, i told him how jealous i was about his Neil Diamond concert tickets!!

A few men in suits came in blathered they'd been to the Races in Ripon, amongst these were the Brook Twins, one of whom i'd had a brief encounter with back in 1995, also in the party was Andy Corfield, who i went to school with is also a rugga bugga and Spug thinks he's lovely. Dave Brook was mullered, gave me a kiss that ranted on about what he's done in the last decade.........yawn!

We were then joined by Jenna who'd txt in advance and pre-ordered 1/2 lager, she was on her way back from horizontal jogging at Joff's house, 2 really pissed up annoying young boys came to sit with us, Spug was laughing along with them , i just thought they were really fucking juvenille........by the look on Jennas face she thought the same.

Finished our beer and Jenna dropped me and Spuggy off home, asleep before 11pm........
Leapt out of bed this morning with a spring in my step, only this week to trudge through then i have 10 days off work....
Hoo fucking rah!!!!!!!!

Not my cup of tea

You know, sometimes I think my life can’t get any weirder and then it does. I think someone in the heavens is looking down making weird things happen to me for their own amusement.

So on Friday I was going out with Michelle. I met her in Via Fossa where we had a drink then we went to the Lass O’ Gowrie to meet Chris, her other half, and had another and then settled in Kro2. Well settled … hmm, I’ll come on to that in a minute. So me and Michelle sat with Michelle’s old work mates including Alan (friendly cute young bearded gay ex colleague of Michelle) and then after that stood with Chris’s ex work colleagues. Having a nice time, we were, I’d just started my 5th pint, it’s about 8pm by this time and Michelle gets a phone call: one of her cats has been hit by a car and killed so her and Chris go home, leaving me in Alan’s hands, but Alan and his friends are going after their drink so with the night still young I thought I had 3 options go to Cleck (but it would have been half past nine by the time I got there, go home or go to Canal Street. Guess which I did.

Went to Churchill’s which was crap. I moved seats 3 times (Richard, eat your heart out) as people sat in mine when I went to the bar or loo so in the end, after 3 pints) I got a bit fed up with having to move and went to the New Union. Now the last time I was in there I pulled the thieving chavs so I was a bit reluctant but thought I’d have one or two more, even though I was a bit addled by this point so I had a pint and stood by the dancefloor. Stood next to a stunning man who could have been a model but he’s not part of the story, I just wanted to mention him. Had another pint and this guy came up to me (cute, looked like a cross between Bradley Walsh, Vinnie Jones and Dale Winton – sounds like a strange combination but he was nice) and started dancing with me. He had a manner which was very reminiscent but I just couldn’t think who he reminded me off. He then disappeared again so I thought nothing more of him but then he was back buying me a pint and then he disappeared again – it was all very weird and then by the time I had drunk the pint he was back at the bar so I bought one back for him and asked if I could sit with him. He was a bit reluctant but said yes – when we sat down I could see why. He was sat with freaks!

There were 2 fat miserable lesbians who didn’t talk and there was Patricia the 66 year old mother of Lisa the 25 year old girlfriend of Darren the 34 year old boyfriend of Patricia, yes Darren was going out with the both of them, mother and daughter!!!!! How weird is that! Anyhew, the lesbians left, and as the weird threesome danced I chatted to this boy who turned out to be called Steve, 34 years old, and economics supply teacher from Liverpool, it all seemed very positive – at last a normal man, thank goodness!! He’d been over to Leeds working and got of the coach at Manchester to avoid the weird builder man who’d made him a bracelet out of woven pieces of sheathing for electric wires, come for a pint and missed his connection to Liverpool so he wanted to know of saunas and clubs so that he could stay out all night. I offered him the inflatable double mattress (yeah right, like I was ever planning for him to sleep anywhere other than my bed with me) and he agreed so at about 1.30 we left.

I’d been out almost 8 hours, and had 12 pints and when we got home, Steve wanted wine and to chat while watching a DVD so we did, till gone 3am and then we went to bed. I was obviously going to up for nothing (quite literally) after 12 pints and half a bottle of wine but he said that he’d be up for it in the morning so both we retired to my bed. The next thing I knew, it was 4am and Steve was asking for me to open another bottle of wine (which I refused to do). I just turned over and carried on snoring. I was up at 8.30 so I woke him up, forced (well hardly forced … he didn't actually need any forcing - all he needed was a little encouragement) him to thank me for giving him a place to stay for the night and then he wanted a bath. And a glass of wine.

So there we are, at ten to ten in the morning sipping champagne. I though that we’d just have a glass but no, we had the whole bottle, then 2 large glasses of Bailey’s and then a bottle of red wine. It struck me over the drunken morning/early afternoon that he reminded me of Brian from Big Brother. He loved to be the centre of attention, was very self-obsessed and manic, very funny but also had very short concentration span and was very emotional. Everything seemed to either be brilliant or terrible. Anyway at half past three I managed to get him away from the drinks cabinet and out of the flat and so we went to the pub.

Everything seemed to be going so well. He was a nice (slightly volatile) cute friendly guy who fancied me. He also seemed to fancy drinking – all the time, but I didn’t let that bother me. He was cute, he fancied me … hey, I like a drink why should him liking a drink bother me. Well this is why:

We went back to the New Union, and in the bit we were sitting were a group of people: 4 middle aged men, two young girls and a middle aged woman – none of them gay, they just liked the atmosphere. There was also a cute skinhead talking to a chubby camp Scotsman. Anyway everyone was very friendly and Steve was chatting to all of them, well his chatting to the Scot didn’t go successfully as the Scot was really dry and Steve didn’t really understand the joke – me and the skinhead were hooting with laughter and there’s Steve not knowing why - I think this was the catalyst for everything that then happened - he didn't like looking the fool or having someone there who seemed funnier than him. I put some songs on the jukebox and the next thing, were all dancing together – it was really nice and such fun and then all of a sudden Steve is shouting and bawling saying that he’s been assaulted. One of the middle aged guys had apparently got hold of his shoulder and squeezed so hard that it had really hurt him. I said it was him just being friendly and being a bit too forceful perhaps, but Steve wouldn’t have it, he shouted and bawled so much that the poor man ended up leaving. Then Steve got shouted at by the barmaid for making so much noise and slowly everyone began coming up to Steve and checking that he was OK etc. and giving him lots of TLC. I thought it was just for attention and so wasn’t sympathetic and that made him cry so I tried to be a bit nicer and everything began improving and soon we were all back dancing. Then we got chatting to another of the middle aged men and he was talking to us about relationships and said that it was better to be in a relationship rather than prostitute your self about every Friday night. I agreed but Steve thought he was being called a prostitute. I tried to explain that that’s nether what he meant nor what the phrase literally meant but he wouldn’t listen, back crying wanting lots of attention, shouting at me saying that he’d been a victim twice and that I hadn’t been sympathetic or stuck up for him. I reasoned but he really wasn’t in the mood to be reasoned with so I ended up having to leave him there as everytime I tried to say something he wouldn't listen, he just talked over me and wouldn't met me get a word in.

Ah shame – he was a nice boy – but as nutty as a fruit cake in the end!

Powercut

All of Holbeck were without electric this lunch, no phones, internet, email, lights, even the traffic lights were out, how exciting?

Sacked off eating my salad in the dark and went into town, bought 2 new tops from Next (that's only 6 this month).

It's weekend eve tomorrow already, none done much this week.

Monday, as usual felt decidedly shabby, was a bitch from hell at work, told colleagues i hated them all, Hangovers have a lot to answer for!!!! did nothing in the evening, a bit of washing, had chilli and pasta then phoned Kay (she is so rubbish at keeping in touch, being a busy mother of 1 who doesn't work).

Not seen her for over 3 weeks, am desperate for my hair cutting!! so we chatted for an hour, she tutted about my outrageous lifestyle!!! my arse!

Then she told me off for kissing other people behind Andys back, she was chelping "how would you like it, if he did it to you"??.........well the bitch in question wouldn't be alive to tell her side of the story!!!

Oh stop making me feel bad, everyone else thinks i'm really funny!

Anyhow, watched Yanks (good girly chick flick, with Richard Gere, pre his hamster fetish, i hope). Bed at 1.00am.

Tuesday was the same old at work, Called at Dean House's House on the way home with belated 21st card and present, then nipped into Marlos, where Mum, Ruth and I, spent a good hour gossiping and congratulating ourselves on being good wholesome people.

Home, vacced the whole house from top to bottom, mopped the kitchen floor...had pasta! again!but with tomato and mascerpone sauce, with chicken, bacon and mushrooms, watched bad girls, Matt txt to say not to phone him as he was still in Churchills having his 11th pint or something!
So took myself to bed to read at 10.30pm, was out like a light before midnight.

This evening i have put aside 2 full hours to do my hair and iron the few items in the spare room. ooh i might have pasta for tea, then Desperate housewives in on at 10pm.....

How fucking dull am i???

Might get drunk at the weekend though, break from the norm!

The last two weeks

Ok then the week before last was a quite quiet one, I didn’t get back from Bournemouth till the Tuesday and had two evenings at home before I went home on Friday. I got home at 17.45 went shopping with my mum and dad, had a quick sandwich and a wash and was in the Spoons for 20.00. See Karen’s Blog by clicking here for the evening’s antics. It was a nice evening but I didn’t try and get off with Dean’s brother, but I did toy with the idea!

Saturday, didn’t do much as the weather was crap but ended up in the Club, my dad had a pint and left me and Karen waiting for Spuggles to arrive. It was as Karen said a slow burn evening but we didn’t half drink a lot. According to Spug the boy I wanted to shag was one of Cleck’s roughest chavs and would have killed me if he’d known what I wanted! So thanks to K and Sp for rescuing me and stopping me going off for a shag/beating!

Sunday I went to York with the folks. I love York, having been a student there and spent a very nice 3 hours pottering round buying spatulas, tupperwares, smoker bags to smoke your own food, foil food cartons and toaster bags so you can make toasted sandwiches in a toaster from Blog Lakeland (my favourite shop ever), looking for stainless steel cleaner (for the new stainless steel 4 slice thick and thin toaster my mum and dad had given me that morning (new to me, not to them, they bought it 6 years ago but it didn’t toast one side as well as the other so it lived in the garage used only once since 1999). Erm, not much else happened to be honest but it was nice to go. Got home and after helping them two thickos (and I mean as stupid as spackers) sort out a freeview box in the living room me and my dad went for a couple to the Wickham (Karen, note this is how its spelt, not Whickham) Warren turned up and I agreed to meet up with him and his mates that evening. Went home cooked delicious andalucian pork (got the recipe off Alan but amended it to my own specifications) and impressed my mum and got my dad saying I was the second best cook in the world after my mum. Dad dropped me off at the Club. Poor Karen was bored witless and again, from hereon in, See Karen’s Blog takes over.

Monday, I got up, saw off M&D to Melton to see Uncle Brian and Auntie Judy and watched TV, then Warren and Caroline came, we went to McDonald’s then to B&Q then to a cheap place where I bought a washing basket, phone charger and something else – all for about £4! Then we went to Hartshead Moor CC to watch HMCC get thrashed by Pudsey Congs. Warren and I were in a round with Jon Porrait and Deano and I was drinking Murphy’s so fast the others couldn’t keep up. We drank there till about 8pm and then went down to the Spoons where Danny Boy, me, Craig and Bev … oh and Warren were with Riuth and Karen. Was very drunk but got home OK and managed a decent conversation with my mum about Uncle Brian and Auntie Judy and was in bed by about midnight!

Tuesday, stayed in – knackered after 4 big nights out, Wednesday was out with Reynold, our consultant from work but unlike the last time we were out in Manchester I was a good bit and got home at 11.30pm not 03.15!

Thursday I went to Wilmslow with Ollie, who is Janet from work’s boyfriend. We had a pizza and then went to the Coach and Four for some comedy. We smoked cigars at the front, had the piss ripped out of us ever so slightly (there was a very pretty 18ish year old in a suit who got most of the ribbing) and had a nice time. I missed my last train and because I wanted to watch the election I got a cab home, refusing bed and board at Ollie’s. The taxi was a whopping £34.70 and the taxi driver was one of those who went the slowest road at any opportunity and he was a freak of nature like Herman Munster. Anyhew, I got home at 01.00, watched the election till 07.00, although half watching and half napping after about 05.00 and then had a whole hour and a half of sleep and then went to work where I had a meeting at 09.30 for a couple of hours. I slipped away at 14.30 saying I was going to work at home but instead went to ASDA where I bought 11 bags of shopping for £63 (bargain). Went home and kipped and ate and kipped and watched TV and ate and watched TV and kipped. You get the idea.

Saturday I watched TV virtually all day – Saturday kitchen, Corrie and Hollyoaks Omnibuses and kipped a bit (finally catching up after no sleep on Thursday). Did a bit of shopping and then made 5 lasagnes and 5 shepherds pies in the evening like the domestic goddess that I am.

Sunday I was off to Liverpool for the evening but first I tidied up in the kitchen and moved the microwave and coffee maker, sorted out, did some washing, ironed some shirts and made a stew. Got to Liverpool at 16.00 where I met Alastair, Andrea (his new live in girlfriend), and Frances (his workmate). Had a really nice time just drinking and chatting about nothing in particular – it was all very relaxing. We went to Pizza express for dinner where we had nice pizzas (Alastair’s looking like a small piece of lawn) and nice wine although I got very annoyed when I realised that mine had no cheese on (which sorty of goes against what a pizza actually is!). Anyway, we were due to go to the Living Room but before we knew it I had to away for my train (which was at 22.30) so I got in a cab and said goodbye. It was a lovely day but it seemed as if I’d only been out for a couple of hours. I slept on the train going back and went straight home (despite me thinking all evening that I could have a sneaky couple at the karaoke in Churchill’s) and was in bed by 23.30.

A quite quiet weekend (especially when compared to the previous ten (1 home for Danny’s Birthday, 2 Isle of Man, 3 Sunday Luncheon Party, 4 Mallorca, 5 home for Easter, 6 home for the Christening, 7 Bruxelles, 8 London, 9 Bournemouth, 10 Home again)). Oh if only every weekend could be 4 days long, then I could have the excitement and the relaxation.

Anyway, it’s 19.00. I have been here for ten hours and its time to go home – or rather to Churchill’s. Its two and a half weeks since I was last laid and I could do with a shag and a pint and a fag, especially as I have been so good with my blogging – I’ll think of it as a reward.

Bournemouth

Right well since I’ve not blogged for a while, I am blogging, I have three weekends to catch up on but this will be a short blog as I don’t have that much time.

Before I go on I shall say that I am double posting this since Richard is a scoundrel and only ever blogs once a week and if he continues to do that I shall have to seriously consider remaining on his blog. You have been warned Rich!

Anyway just over a fortnight ago I was working late on the Friday night so decided a pint was in order. I got to the pub between 19.15 and 19.30 and got myself a pint and then had another and then another. I saw at the bar a cute short-ish boy who looked like a cross between an Indian and a Thai boy – not exactly sure but he was nice and he seemed to see me looking and shortly afterwards came to sit down near me but didn’t say anything or make a move, he just kept looking. I must say, I did wonder if he was rent as he was nice looking and young and obviously could do better than me. Anyway I’m sat there, reading the paper when some guy catches my eye and advises me to smile … I was scowling a bit so I cheered up a bit and before I knew it he came over, budged cute oriental boy out of the way. He started talking to me and got him a pint but I quickly realised he was a bit of a car crash of a man. He was called Kerry of Irish stock but from Middlesbro’ he was a masseur who came to Manchester a year ago but had only massaged 2 people and worked looking after people with Down’s. He lived in Eccles paying £20 a week rent but was 3 months behind on his rent. He looked a bit of a fashion victim and had a bit of a mullet with highlights but was nice and tall and slim and a nice face and before long and only 90 minutes after getting in the pub, we were in a taxi home. Had a nice time with him and afterwards he got my number (he didn’t have a mobile and his bedsit had a payphone in the hall but he didn’t know the number) had a joint (in my flat FFS) and went off after less than an hour!

On Saturday, I went shopping and bought two shirts (one for £33.50 and the other for £35.50) so I needed a drink after that! Went to Churchills (again) and it was heaving – which was a surprise for 17.30 on a Saturday. Anyway little Will behind the bar explained that it was due to Kylie being at the Arena. I stayed for another and another and another and then sent a few txts saying I was in the pub and I got a txt from MJ saying he could come over. I had another and then MJ rang saying he was gonna be on his way in a few minutes so I thought I should slow down so had a sixth and then to cut down I had a half coke/half kronenbourg (a german shandy). MJ arrived at half past nine. He was sober and I’d had six and a half pints in 4 hours. He got a pint for us both which was very nice after not having had a full strength beer for ooh half an hour. MJ went to the loo after half an hour or so and I sat there carrying on smoking and drinking. Now veteran blog readers will know of the problem I have when I drink fizzy beer and smoke cigarettes too quickly, it all comes back up and true to form, after guzzling that tiny bit more than I should have done while having a lungful of Marly smoke was too much and my throat filled with the old vom. I thought I was ok but with the next contraction (why is it that so many things leave your body thanks to contractions – babies, spunk and vomit) my mouth filled and so I quickly looked round seeking an empty pint glass but it was to no avail and come the next contraction the volume exceeded that of my mouth and thanks to the hand I had over my mouth it squirted in a southerly direction (I was facing south east) at an elevation of 45°, or at least some of it did. Some more of it was all over my shirt and so I quickly scurried to the toilets, bumping into MJ on the way there telling him of my predicament and cleaned myself up, changing shirts (thank god I had bought two new shirts) and throwing the old one away.

We then went to Via Fossa where we continued to drink and I had a very few words with cute Chris and then later on we went to Cruz 101. When we got in there, MJ decided we’d have a competition to see who could get off with the most people. I knew he would as he makes it his business to get of with as many people as he can in clubs but I WON!!! Yippee!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha!!!!! We went home eventually and after a bacon sandwich in the morning MJ wendled his way back home on the M62 as I prepared myself for my trip to Bournemouth.

I was going to the RMS (my initials (and also the title of the Titanic, i.e. the RMS Titanic) but in this instance the Records Management Society Conference. I will not bore you with the details but here are the highlights: Flew to Bournemouth and gave my window seat up to an old man because I’m so nice. Got to the hotel in time for the dinner and got talking to a cute guy called Tom from Camden Council, he talked as if he was deaf (although he wasn’t) and he had a limp and he had a nervous twitch which made his head always inclined to the right – anyway, what choice did I have, they were all records managers! I tagged onto him and for the next two days, my alcohol was paid for by the tax payers of the London Borough of Camden (thank you Camden). Chatted away to all and sundry all night about records management and got to bed at 03.00. On the Monday I had to endure the boredom of the conference but after it was done I bumped into Reynold our consultant at work and we started drinking at 17.00, then there was Pimms before dinner, then wine with dinner so I was well on the way and at dinner they had pea shooters and balls of paper like the ones you can see by clicking here and I started shooting everyone especially fit Richard who worked for a box storage company – he is really fit and I met him a couple of years ago and flirted with him outrageously. He’s a lovely looking 31 year old and I would do anything to sleep with him. Anyway it turned out he knew Reynold really well and so we hung out together all night smoking cigars (bought for us by goodness knows who) drinking and chatting away about all sorts, while I at the same time was flirting with Tom (who by now I knew was straight). Then Tom was refused at the bar – the foreign bar man thought that he was drunk and despite me and Reynold tyring to tell him that he was disabled, he wouldn’t have any of it. The manager got involved, Tom got an apology and we all got more pints (yippee!! Hooray for Camden!). Got to bed at 04.15. Slept in the next day, did very little socialising and kept myself to my hungover self! Got home and virtually went straight to bed. Yawn.

Anyway that’s it for that weekend. Tomorrow I’ll do the intervening 13 days.

I never learn

Feel like death, i am an idiot........i just can't say no.

Friday, called at Tina's to collect her, Beth and Jo, Hayley was there as well, but she had cold and wasn't drinking!
We had 3 drinks in spoons, town was unusually quiet........we chatted about the weeks events and our trip to Dublin in October (that's a good idea, 6 girls on the lash for 3 days, oh dear!!)met Spug who'd been on lates in the Turnstiles at 10pm, Station, Hayley went home and Jo went to meet an internet shag!

We 4 climbed the regal stairs and bumped straight into Graham Jackson, shag of 04, oh and a bit of 05. Well mainly shag of, i need sex and AP is in Oz.

Saw Craig, who's always smiling (who has 8 cats)and Richard, got a beer and me and Spug went to chat to them, for about an hour i think, Richard was in a really weird mood and was stood with his back to us just watching the dancefloor, asked Craig if he knew Spug had shagged Simo on the greenway (yeah he did), i went to find Graham to find out what happened on the 8th April when we went to his mums, then mine for chinese then i blacked out! he was as clueless as me, said i was a really good cook, what a fuckwit did he think i was stirfrying bamboo shoots and waterchestnuts from scratch at 2am?, he then told his mate i had a Honda type R (obviously wasn't listening when i'd told him it was a hire car). Anyhow all he knew is that he woke up at 4am on my sofa and staggered home, him and his Mum turned the house upside down Sat morning looking for his mobile, then he realised he must have left it at mine and called and got me out of bed at midday.
Phew so we hadn't shagged.
Tina was on the dancefloor with her ex Mark and Whiteman, don't know who she got off with.

Got some more beer, then i dragged Craig Aspinall up to dance (he said he'd never danced in the regal before)strange boy!
Don't know what happened next but Richard had left Craig on his own and me and Craig were snogging, oops!
Well he's a really good kisser so we snogged again, then i said perhaps i better go (to the bar)as he has a bird. He must have left so i went to find Graham, god i'm shallow, had some snogs on the dancefloor then we went for curry, dining by candle light in Sloppys hahahaaaaaa!! no really we were (well okay there WAS a power cut).
Got an A2B taxi, then we rowed, i don't know what over, Craig? Andy? the labour party? we always argue, he's as firey as me, so i got out at my house and he went to his Mums for some skittles.

Patted myself on the back for NOT cheating on Ap and went to bed at 2am.

Up and got ready for Buxton, let cats out, then struggled to get them in as Maisie had caught a bird for them to share (as i hadn't fed them) chased Maisie round the garden in my slippers, but pidgeon in wheelie bin, then set off over the tops at 3pm.

Got stuck for 1/2 hr in Holmfirth while the whole town ground to a halt, to watch fucking Morris dancers parading about (nutters) bet they're all swingers as well, like them old wrinkly people down at the sports club who shall remain nameless.
Phoned Spug for a natter as i was bored stupid, it took her approx 30 seconds to ask if i'd shagged Jacko. Think maybe she fancies him!

Arrived at Chris and Rhians at 5pm, gave Chris his Coffee maker (he was pleased as punch, think he called it a top piece of kit) gave Rhian chocolates and wine.
The only other people who'd arrived were Mike (intellectual stoner works part time as a web designer) and his bird Rachel (not met her before)and Charlotte (the biggest drug addict to be attending this party, infamously took an E after Chris and Rhians wedding to keep her wired on the drive back down to London.

They were preparing the food for the evening, filo pastry parcels with curried mince and some cheesy stuff, Mike was deboning a full salmon, Rhian was making strawberry shortbreads ,tiramasu and fudge brownies.........IDIOTS!!!!!
Why didn't they go to M&S and buy it all ready made.
I offered to go to buy filter coffee for Chris's new toy, which cost me £20 as Charlotte said get some beer and i'll give you the money (she never did)..oh well!

Rhian did her hair for the party and Chris lit the 1st joint of the day, Rachel and Mike were smoking neat bush out of their crack pipe, i was having a nice coffee!!

Next to arrive were Hoi-shing and Catherine, both general practitioners, Catherine doesn't smoke...but proceeded to tell me about her 3 yr old Lydia and her new born baby and how she hasn't had a full nights sleep in 4 years, i didn't get you pregnant for fucks sake!

Other stragglers........ Dentist Phil and his horsey wife, 2 single mums who's kids went to nursery with Thirza and Olivia, Adam and his fiance (he proposed in front of the Taj Mahal), Smit (ex heroin addict and possibly one of the cleverest people i have ever met), Em Who else?
Jake (my ex of 5 years and huge stoner), his wife Kate who was just smoking neat bush with no tobacco in as she's given up smoking.
Martin Leech another ex of mine, i have also shagged his brother, i think their Dad Brian played cricket...dunno!
Then Mike's brother he was a bit scarey and his slippers didn't match his outfit.

Basically the party consisted of drinking copious amounts of alcohol, smoking on the porch, eating the posh homemade food and talking drivel.
"What do you think about Blunket getting back into the cabinet?"...who gives a fuck!!!!!
Truth be known i really wanted to be at home getting pissed and talking about blowjobs with my mates in the regal.

Made a massive effort though, spoke to Kate loads as she thinks i don't like her coz she married my Ex (no love i dumped him, he was rubbish, you're welcome to him).

The hours flew and it was 3.30am before i knew it, i'd had enough red wine, white wine, stella and champagne to sink a ship........so up to bedfordshire.....squinted at all the doors, which had yellow post it's on saying, W.C, Broom cupboard, Bathroom & W.C, Chris and Rhian, Karen.....ah ha!!! had a full double bed to myself as most of the posh twats still downstairs watching Dr.Who had booked them selves into nearby hotels.

Was unconscious as soon as my head hit the pillow, awoke at 10am, layed till 11am (to ensure by the time i went downstairs most of the tidying up would be done). Had some nice filter coffee then couldn't fucking believe it they were on the porch again smoking dope, they'd smoked their way through 1lb of weed between 18 of them.

Need to go home back to normality, set off at 11.45am, weather was really bad it was hailing like mad in Glossop but made it home for 1pm.

Did a jeans wash, had some breakfast, then went for a lie-down wash just dropping off when Spug text, 1/2 hr later i was sat in the sportsclub with a lagertop, catching up on all the gossip from Saturday.
Rach being locked out,Spug txting Hemmy to see if he had a wrinkley cock, Mikey accusing Spug of leading him on (surely not, Spug a flirt?), Hayley not wanting to go to the Northgate, Porritt being mullered in the Station.

Hayley was working behind the bar with Jenna, we drank for about 4 hours solidly got sat with Joff, Hemmy and Hemmys fuck buddy Rachel (who is really nice and obviously madly in love with him), however he doesn't want "commitment".
The poor girl, have decided he is a complete shit and am so glad i never slept with him!!!!
Plus Joff is a shit as well, as he ignored Jenna even though they are shagging.

The cricket was still going on till really late as they'd been in and out all day due to the weather, Andy was playing in East Beirley for the 2nd team, both our 1st and 2nd teams lost probably due to the amount of alcohol they consume on a Saturday night.

Joff rang Bluey, the 2nd's were still playing at going up to 9......was really pissed at this point, the function in the main room had finished so Mick was shutting the bar, they brought platters of cream cakes through to the lounge, quiche, pies and sarnies, the little devil in my head was looking at Paul Hemmingways bald shiney forehead and the open cream scone, covered in loads of strawberries and fresh cream, well what happened next was pretty obvious...........Paul said i'm going to pay.
Oooh i'm scared!!!

The bar is shut, which is a blessing as i am blind with the drink at this point,
Joff went to get rid of his car (he was in a bad mood as all the tour photos are up on the club wall, including the one of him naked).
Hemmy and Rachel went to the Talbot, he was buying her 1/2's of lager even though she was driving! tut tut! probably wanted a shag that night!! no strings attached you understand.

Jenna gave me and Spug a lift home, Spug was going to order an eastern spice, i just really needed my bed! So asleep for 10pm, boy i was tired.

Slept 10 hours and woke this morning half way through writing a bereavement card to one of my friends as her mum had died, her Mum IS alive and well, so not saying which Friend in case it's a premonition!

Another day another dollar

Another working week drawing to a close.
We breath a sigh of relief, not because it's the weekend, but because Terry isn't going to post our link on the Rugby club site.......thank fuck!
Not that I'VE anything to worry about......hahahahaaaaaaaa much!

So it's Friday and we are yet again ready to party, just spoken to Tina Arena, she's so excited she could wee.......poor Girl was on nights all last weekend.

Can't really remember what i've done this week, all the alcohol has frazzled my brain.
Tuesday, how i made it through the day is beyond me........did feck all in the evening but flatten the sofa.

Wednesday was much better, did the usual shite as work, running round like an idiot after mad millionaire boss, dropped Matt's Mums juicer off on the way home (i love Matt's mum she rocks), she insisted on giving me a crate of Stella.......Oh go on then!
Phoned Whitter in the evening, quite perplexed as to why she never phones, emails or txts me anymore (bearing in mind we've been friends for 20 years), "Oh" she says "i just read the blog, so i know what you're up to and that you're happy and okay".

Tried to explain to Sam very slowly that being friends is a 2 way thing and i might want to know what SHE is up to, Oh how we laughed.
Watched desperate housewives and some other drek.

Thursday, fannied around all day being the most professional P.A in Britain, fetched him from the hairdressers, took his trousers to the tailors, personal shopping in Harvey Nics, lunch runs, made sure the garage filled his harley Davisons tyres with Nitrogen, booked his parents on the 18.15 flight home from Malaga tomorrow and made sure his Father got wheelchair assistance, ya di ya!
Also licked his ringpiece till it was nice and shiney!!!!!!!

Also phoned Sarah (in not so sunny) for a whole hour in works time, how can you get dumped by someone who hasn't even just put the bell end in (friendly like). He sounds mental, i'm going to visit in 2 weeks and will have a word with ginger, skinny, specker tractor driver!!

Called at Marlenes on the way home and took her chocolates, never mentioned the house not selling, just talked about crap mainly.......she chortled over me and Matt being in the Fronteir wearing a cardigan and cufflinks respetively.
Did not tell her that i went home and fucked AP 4 times and hardly slept a wink, she indeed would not approve of any such slutty carrying on in her daughters abode.
Funny how the person that brought you into the world, turns out to be the person who knows you least of all.

Home, bathed, waxed, plucked, preened, self tanned, had a curry watched Footballers wives and Peter Kay.

SO tonight with it not being a bank holiday, just the real residents of Clecksville will be out, i'm sure we'll manage to have a good time.

Tomorrow morning i am departing for the Peak District, as i have an exclusive invite to the Sugdens double birthday bash at their 8 bedroomed mansion.
Only draw back is that ex boyfriend of 5 yrs is attending with his new wife (feel slightly uncomfortabe as the last time we spoke he did admit to still fantasising about me).
The thought did cross my mind to take Andy Porriat to
A. Intimidate or beat him to a pulp.
B. Talk him to death.
C. Wow all party goers with his interlect, social skills and ability to consume large amounts of alcohol without yakking up the walls.
D. (the truth) spill the beans, yeah i've been sleeping with Karen for nearly 3 years, yeah you know how it is, she's a nice lass, yeah, it's nowt serious like, yeah!

Haaaaahaaaa, if i didn't laugh i'd cry!!

Still it will be a top party, full of doctors, dentists, teachers and the like!
Oh yeah and more drink and drugs than you can poke a stick at.

Monday morning, the Priory then?

SORRY PEOPLE!

I've got a confession to make! I haven't been reading the blog for quite a while!
So sorry - I've had a quick scan and got myself slightly up-to-date. I promise to keep checking back every now and then to see what you're all up to.

Just a tiny re-cap of what's been going on - guess I'm speaking on behalf of both myself and Mark as we do things together most of the time (put away your sick buckets!)

We have mainly been drinking and smoking lots in different parts of erm....... West Yorkshire. Bradford, Cleckheaton, Heckmondwike, etc. Nothing too exciting has gone off and anytime something has my dearest sister blogs it anyway.

Although I must add to Karen's May Day weekend that she stole Liam's curry in Sloppy Joe's (according to Keiron) and frightened the poor boy half to death!

This weekend was a boozy, expensive one!
Friday night we went into Cleck with Mark's friend Matt and met up with Karen & Co in Spoons but lost them again. Then ran into Mark's folks - you just can't help but love Bev & Alan! Especially when Alan fakes masturbation in the silent Rose & Crown with Matt nearly in tears with laughter! Bev did not much appreciate Matt's language but nevermind.

Proceeded to the ever so expensive Malt Shovel with the equally delightful Mabel staring people out and freaking the shit out of us! Matts language continued through a pissed-up explanation of where to go on Marks stag night (didn't realise we'd set a date but nevermind)

Onto the Regal where Matt fell asleep - he was staying at Marks so offered to take him home. Stopped off to get him food then came back in the taxi for more beer! Karen, Matt & MJW were just leaving as I was going back inside (got done by MJW as he presumed I'd just arrived I think)

Then we were discussing going to the Outbacks with Dean & Rach but Mark was desperately in need of food as he could hardly stand up! Opted for beer and food back at Marks via Sloppys to pick up the essentials (WKD, MILLER & CURRY).

Back at Mark's everyone ate bar myself (needed more beer), Rachel bleed on the floor and Dean was sick in the garden! Such the model parents - hee hee!

Saturday went into Dewsbury for a bit of shopping, applied fake nails (only thing I do that's girly) then attended a wedding do of a lady from Mark's work. Nothing to report there as it was dull! Perked up when we got back to Mark's and had Chinese (chicken in gravy with chips!)

Sunday went for Sunday lunch with the expectant parents Emma & Keiron - very nice indeed! I highly recommend Commercial Sunday Lunches - as Bernard Matthews would say its Bootiful!

Monday was red hot beer garden weather so thats exactly where we went - to the Malt Shovel! Was joined by Zoe, Deano, Rachel, Megan and Rachel's friend Kat. Spent most of the day drinking - was asked to stay out with Karen to wait for Matt when everyone else had gone home. Much to the disappointment of Mark as he wanted a shag! Poor lad!

Tuesday was rough as hell - got up at 3 in the morning to the sound of the Police helicopter and lights shining through the window. Went into the bathroom to investigate to find elder brother Steven Horner in his boxer shorts peering through the bathroom window. We are Marlenes in disguise! Real life curtain twitchers! Oh heck!

Nothing to report of yesterday or today and now that I have bored you all to death and nearly broken all my false nails off on the keyboard I'm going to love you and leave you!

See you and I promise to pop back soon! xx

men are from mars

All men are shit( with the exception of a few shirt lifters that i know).
well sexy simon is out of the window, apparently hes not talking to me. who knows why do men need an excuse these days? but there again, could have something to do with me getting rather pissed this weekend, having fun without him, then sending him random texts at 4 am in the morning. think i have been taken too many tips of horner ( yes its all your fault) .
so the highlights this week so far in reverse order.
3. weekend spent camping with great mates in the sunshine. next to a nuclear power station.
2.took 5 hrs to drive back to suny great bloody yarmouth from newark as all roads where closed! only in norfolk could this happen and i aquired a speeding ticket aarrr!
1. been dumped by a bloke that i've not even shagged. what is the world coming to!

anyway off to my dwell bed for the summer seeya in october!

R.E: comment 18th April

Dear Terry

If you are the same Terry who designs the Rugby club website.

We need to know the following.

A. How the fuck did you come across our site?
B. I take it you know more than a few names mentioned in our so called diaries?
c.Who on earth would benefit from our tales of drunken debauchery and shagging stories, IF you did put it on the rugby website????

They'd be more tears than laughter for all involved, i'd wager!!!


Oh dear oh dear bang goes our anonymity.........
PLEASE don't do it!

Wedded Bliss

Hi Guys.

Havent been round cleck for ages properly anyway - popped out last night for a few to Obediah.

Currently in insular relationship mode so forgive me if I appear rude - i'm not. I lost my phone and my new one ain't got nobodies number in it. Karen - Happy Birthday hun, just read it on here - my my 26 already;-)

Let's try bring things up to date - what have I done for the last 6 weeks. Erm. well not a lot, spent lots of time drinking in Leeds and my wallet is suffering all the more for it, went to see High Gay Priestess Kylie last sunday in Manchester, but couldnt go for a bevvy as had my 10 year old niece with me - you want to feel old, try dancing to "I should be so lucky" with your 20 years younger niece stood beside you! Anyway, H.M Kylie was on top form as she always is at the MEN Arena, fabulous throughout - anyone doubting her charms really should catch her live - she put's on what is probably the best pop concert there ever was and probably ever will be - forget paying £120 to see Madge mime and creak her way through "like a virgin" (as if she ever was), and put your money on Kylie - besides if your Gay or know anyone remotely gay it's the law!

Just got tickets through to see Neil Diamond on my Birthday also at the MEN arena - I'm guessing he won't shimmy on to the stage wearing a 5 foot feather tiara or wearing a 16" waist corset, or waft on to the stage straddling a silver glitter half-moon singing "over the rainbow" but I'm sure he'll put on a fine show nevertherless. Then I'm off to the Lakes for the weekend to celebrate my 29th (next year I will be 28, and the next year I will be 27 - do you think Botox is like DVD players, will it be cheaper in 2 years time and will you be able to buy it at ASDA?)

I love bank holidays, we should have one a week

I love bank holidays. Buzzing Friday at work as just booked Ibiza for the opening parties of Space and DC10. £129.00! Bargain. Unsure of where we are staying yet though. Must book this week else we’re fooked. Going for 7 days 04/06/05. I’m going to get reamed.

Anyway, was in good spirits because of up and coming holiday. Melissa’s birthday tonight too, so we bought a comedy bottle of vodka again from Makro and got leathered before we left the house. Met Melissa and her bloke Lee, Liz and her husband (don’t know his name) and my cute friend Lee met me later in the Cellar bar. What a boring bar! It was full of crusty students looking all bland and middle class. Lee came to meet me with gay friend Sean. Lee is so camp and was all over this guy, I’m getting quite suspicious that he may be gay. But really I think he just likes attention. Be it Male or Female. Headed off to Mojo’s where we did shots of Jagermiester and shed loads of Vodka. I was chatting up some guy that was really cute and funny, but Lee started getting stroppy. Then he started taking off his clothes cos he was so pissed. I had to remove Lee before he got us thrown out, so on the way out, I asked cute boy to get my number from Melissa and we’d hook up.

No taxi drivers would pick us up cos we were so wasted, so it took us ages to get a cab. Got home, rang ‘Gimme some beer’ looked in his van to pick what we wanted, tried to buy some weed as well but he didn’t have any.

I have vague flash backs of sucking Lee off in the front room and then we had sex in my bed, but it’s all a little blurry. Though the bits I remember were quite good. Even more confused now. We don’t do that! We just share a bed usually.

Saturday
Got a text from Anglesey Matt asking if I wanted to go out with him tonight, Er NO!!!! Lee, Farida and I went to town. First stop at Normans for hair of the dog. A couple of bloody Mary’s later, I left Lee in the bar and went to Topshop to buy a skirt I had my eye on. Realised how pissed I was, bought random shite and made my way back to Lee in the bar. I got drunk. Mid afternoon made our way to Hyde Park to buy weed and pills for the evening’s debauchery. When ever I’m pissed I really fancy Lee. He looked so hot. I just wanted to grab him! This is very unlike me. We are just friends. I didn’t act on it though.
We got a free G of coke for no reason from our guy, so we headed off home and had vodka and cocaine before getting ready to go to Speed Queen for mate Sarah’s birthday. Left Lee in the house smoking weed, with a pill that he had to take at 1.30am so he would be wired enough for us when we got home.
Speed queen was amazing!! Played wicked tunes and I danced all night! Knowing that I had a cute boy at home waiting was even better! Rolled in at 2.30am this is very early for me. Lee and I stayed up all night listening to Aretha Franklin off our heads. Nothing happened though.

Sunday, we stayed in bed all day feeling very special, smoking weed and eating Chinese. Friend Polly called round p*ssed out of her face.

Monday
Lee went home, me and wife cleaned house, went to Morrison’s, did washing and hung it out whilst wife cleaned bathroom. Had Sunday lunch and nice bottle of red wine. Very smug at how bolloxed we were over weekend to how normal we are now. Love that shit!
Got text from Anglesey Matt, he said he’s dumped his bird and can we meet up. Agggh! One thing, I don’t believe him and secondly, I think I like Lee…

May Day weekend

Fri, was home from the dentist at 3.15pm, was going to go back to work but traffic gridlocked so went home read my book had an hours nap, then awoke shook my feathers had a pie and some soup and met Matt, MJW, Katy, Rach and Dean in the Obediah Brooke at 8pm, i was early so sat on my tod nursing a shandy looking like Billy no mates.
Caroline and Warren also joined us so we went to the Karaoke at the Old house, it was a good night we all had far too much to drink, we all sat down round the table by the bar in the regal, Matt was trying to pull Deans brother, Steven and Beth arrived, Steven was bellowing "i've bought you 200 fags for your birthday" random boy...........
Grant turned up after the end of season rugby dinner and him and Katy were reunited like a scene from gone with the wind....aaahhh!
Dean and Rach were drinking WKD like it was going out of fashion to take full advantage of Albert and Mandys baby sitting.
Me and the benders went for curry, Matt suggested Eastern spice which seemed a good idea, MJ asked for a taxi in the styley of "hello Dave, can we have a taxi Dave?".
By which time, we had decided just to go to sloppies, i ate had my curry then stood up and announced i was leaving, without saying bye........i was waiting for a cab when Matt and MJ turned up anyway so we all got in and were home for 1/2 1.

Saturday was rudely awaken by the phone early doors, which turned out to be raving lesbian vegan Helen who was visiting her wee Ma in Drub.
Hooraahhhhhhhh!!
I love Helen (no not in that way).
I was out of bed like a shot, called at tescos for mushrooms, croissants and fresh bread (saw Hayley at the fag counter buying 34 newspapers and magazines) home and had a jocker cooked breakfast, then we went to the Livery to get Gilly some jodphurs for her birthday, also called at Marlenes as my mum likes Helen more than she likes me.
Next we went up to the secret garden in Hartshead where i spent some of my birthday money on a thatched roofed bird table (god i'm so old).
Called at the petshop for supplies then went up to the Gray Ox for an early evening meal, i had crisy duck wrap, Helen had some Vegan shite, and she paid as a belated birthday treat......double hooray!

I was home for 7pm and by 8pm Matt was at the door brandishing a homemade birthday compilation c.d and a bottle of champers.
We were all ready for bender part deux, Matts Dad dropped us at the sportsclub and came in for a pint (you know friendly like).
Hayley was departing after her orange and Leeny had gone to get Spug from work work not bar work as i thought or i wouldn't have gone down the club in the 1st place.
Oh well had a couple of drinks in there and stared aghast at Spugs tales of attacking Hemmy the previous evening, Matt piped up "Harriet, note to self do not pull men 25 years my senior".

Mosied into town, the night was a slow burn of mainly chatting and drinking slowly, we didn't leave spoons until 10.30pm, Matt sang "show me the way to Amarillo" .......which seemingly every cunt is singing, in the station and the 3 of us just sat down most of the night in the regal, i chatted loads to Diane, cousin of Lynn, then we danced for the last 1/2 an hour, we were by far the best dancers in there.
At 1am Spug and i wanted to go home, Matt wanted either a curry or a shag, he got neither as we bundled into the cab and thrust £4 into his hand.
Bedfordshire 1.20am.

Sunday, more beer to be drank.....had a hearty breakfast, did some washing and set off to Mick and Maries engagement do at the sportsclub.
It was all a bit of a disaster as Hayley and Spug were both behind the bar, so i had to talk to Zak and Mummy Spug, which was okay but i felt like a bit of a spare part, after they left i went in the other bar and chatted with Jenna for an hour until Matt arrived at 8 which was much better.

Then the real carcrash commenced, Matt and i went into town to look for Warren, Ap and the other lads who he'd left in the Whickham at 6ish, turned out they'd gone to Batley, so i had a quick wee behind a skip and we set off at speed in search of cock darn Bradford road.
Boulevard we found the 4 of them, Warren, Deano, AP and his brother JP.
It was dead as a dodo in there, John was dancing on his own on the dancefloor, Warren was getting some beers in for us all, Deano was sat backwards on a barstool riding it like a horse and Andy was staring at me all gooey eyed.
Oh The 4 of them were a mess, Andy stumbled over and started appologising for bottling my birthday......."Sorry Karen, i should have come, i feel bad, there's no excuse.......blah blah blah...........you didn't shag Hemmy did you?".

He then said after Hemmy had phoned him, he couldn't sleep because he thought i was going to shag him, bless!!!!!!!
A bouncer came over to tell Deano to sit on the stool the right way round, then threw him out when he persisted in pretending he was competing in the grand national.
So the 6 of us left, i was hoping for home.......but oh no!! lets go to the fronteir!!!??!!
I'm thirty fucking six for gods sake, i really do not need to be going down the big F of a bank holiday.
Andy dragged me by the arm and was paying me in before i could protest, got to the bar he asked what i wanted to drink, nowt thanks i said as i produced a bottle of Holsten pils from down my knickers, i'd snuck it out of the boulevard.
We lost Deano and John as soon as we got there, so we remaining four sat in a booth and watched the Karaoke stars........

Andy then spent the next beer fuelled hours acting like he was madly in love with me, stroking my hair, wanting to kiss me really passionately IN PUBLIC, biting my nose, he wouldn't take him arm from round my shoulder.
Andy, i am 36yrs old, i am in the fronteir wearing a cardigan, i am by far the oldest person in here, no other fucker will try and pull me, so you can put me down, and let me go to the toilet unaided. Matt was encouraging me to ask for Andy's hand in marriage as he was so mullered, so i just asked him when would we be tying the knot!
25th May 2008 seemingly and we were to live with his Mum and Dad.
Okay then!!
Woz got some more drinks then the 4 of us went to my house with the intension of drinking the champagne, Warren left after 5 mins and Andy went up to bed, me and Matt chatted till 20 past midnight, listening to Delilah and such like Matt drinking guinness, i had a JD and coke.

Got Matt a cab and woke Andy for some sex, spent the next 11 hours cat napping and shagging, he left at 11.30am, i got up and had bacon and egg sandwiches, did more washing and Steven came to visit for 1/2hr.
Ruth txt to say they were in the Malt Shovel beer garden, well there's fuck all else to do........Matt phoned to say he was up at Hartshead moor cricket club all day drinking with Warren and all the lads and their girlfriends.
I didn't really want to see Andy as he is renouned for not being very nice to me after a steamy session, think he's embarassed or something but he starts acting like a proper lad and blanking me in front of his mates, the buffoon!!!

I agreed to meet Ruth, Mark, Rach, Dean, baby Megan and Zoe in the beer garden and to meet Matt later on, hence killing 2 birds with one stone, which would have been fine if Matt hadn't have left his phone at home!!!!!!!!!!!!
Managed to get in touch with him at 5.30pm on Carolines mobile, to which he said we're just having one or two more in here then moving on!!!
All our group had gone home so i begged Ruth to stay with me, we moved to spoons as it's £2.40 for a shandy or a lagertop in the Malt and only £1.39 in spoons.

We had a pint got plonked then Warren, Matt, Danny Squires, Bev and some boy who looked like Spike out of Nottinghill arrived at 8pm, i was really struggling to keep up by this time, Ruth left 1/2 her drink and staggered off which was understandable as she'd been boozing for 8 or 9 hours, i chatted to the boys!!
Warren left, followed by Spike, Matt told me that Andy had denied our wedding arrangements and said if he was to get married in 3 yrs then he'd better find himself a bird............told you, arsehole!!!!
I got really upset, then cheered up when Bev (who went to Oz with Andy)said that all the lads think i'm far too good for him anyway.......hooray!!!

Spoke to Bev (who isn't a girl but his sir name is Evans), he spoke about their trip, so i was bound to find some gossip or maybe a bit of insight in to AP's mind.............erm answer??!!
No Karen, he speaks to you far more than any of us!!!

Okay then, had 3 more pints then really needed my bed, was far too sleepy for food, gave Matt a kiss and promised to drop his Mum a Kenwood Juicer up one night this week, in my bed for 10.30pm after spending 23 hrs and £110 in the pub in the last 4 days!!!!!!!!
Which i think is a bargain, considering!!
And i paid for both taxis to Batley and got a curry out of that...........
Look at me go!!
Maybe i shouldn't be bragging about spending 23 hrs in watering holes, but i was drinking shandy SOME of the time.

Thank you and goodnight!!