The hump

It's midweek already, yippee!

Thank-you everybody for my birthday cards and presents yesterday, was chuffed to bits!

What did i get?
Erm wine, cake, tulips and liver from Matt.
Next vouchers from Hayley, Ruth & Mark, Katy and Andy got 100 quid's worth as he.......quote,"doesn't want me looking like a gypsy in the South of France".
Cheeky bleeder!
Cash from Parents, Grandma, the lads at work and 2 of my brothers!

Didn't i do well? i feel like a millionaire!
For those of you who didn't get me a card, I've got your number! tee hee!!

It was okay yesterday, work was bab, i couldn't get to the White rose at lunch to shop, because of the lorry fire, only bought some shampoo in Boots! Rubbish!
Then i got a healthy M&S salad and everyone got fish and chips without telling me, then when i came in after my lunch hour, David said "are you going to cut your cake you cunt?"

I don't think that is a nice way to speak to your staff, Matt bought me that cake not them, i was kind enough to share it with my work colleagues................Grrrr!

But last night was lovely, i got 9 more cards in the post, along with all the ones I'd opened in the morning.
Me and AP went to Aldo's and ate like kings, bless him he was so funny, he ordered Surf and Tuft and left 1/2 because he didn't like seafood, he thought it would be scampi (because that's not seafood!!!). Not really expensive Honduran prawns in their shells, so i scoffed them, along with 3 pieces of chiabatta, 4 pieces of tomato garlic bread, melon, mango and prawns and Spaghetti carbonara.
He paid, which was a good job as i can't thoil the cash for £17 steaks, being a tight arse!

We met Ruth and Mark for a quick drink in spoons, AP only managed one pint of Fosters, we were so full, i had 2 large glasses of Fetzer, as i am a gannit.
Ruth kindly dropped us off, her little motor made it all the way up Wesley Street, got it's so steep, hill starts....no good!

So that's it, all over for another year...back to it!
Still it's another bank holiday at the weekend, yippee!
Plans?
Carpet cleaning, tinting, gardening and Derbying.....although Caroline's just emailed to see if i want to laik out with them Friday night!!!!

Too old to wobble

Very good weekend indeed, equal measures of friends/family, silliness and domestic bliss.

Can't believe I've crammed so much in!

Thursday evening i went to the Spen Valley scout and guide gangshow, the 25th anniversary and the last one ever, i was a tad nostalgic, couldn't quite believe that it was 24yrs since, me MJ and Suggy were stood on that stage! frightening!
Marlene came to mine after for coffee and cake, Ruth dropped Steven off at the shoulder as he was meeting that married woman he banged last Saturday and he's started smoking? aged 26..........WTF?
Anyhow, Jim showed up at 11pm after the bar had shut and him and Marlo went on their merry way (well not so merry, as Mum can't reverse she parks on the main road and some young scally had bent her windscreen wiper, the twats) , leaving me to my book and bed.

Friday worked in the morning, well when i say work, i mean drive to David's mansion in Scarcroft and drop loads of dimmer switches off, then order crates of beer, (10 bud, 12 corona and 12 Stella) on line for Dan's party, then leave at 12.15, to go to the dentist.
Arrive in Wilmslow at 1.30pm, bless Chris he's so gormless, but so clever...........well he sorted me out, refilled one tooth and gave me some amoxicillin for another, cost? nil pounds...bargain!

Home for 3.30am, called for cat litter and pork pies, then had a disco kip till half 6, got a wriggle on me and AP were the 1st to arrive at the Top Pack watering hole for the start of the infamous Westgate wobble, felt quite popular, when even people who hadn't been invited turned up (word gets round), a quick run down of what happened.....................lots of drunkenness mainly.
People in attendance in the 1st pub, moi, Matt, MJ, Sarah, Katy, Ruth, AP, Gabe, Dawn, Zoe and Alan, we met Tina and Beth in the Moorside and Spug, Hayley and James in the Broomfield, we all had our 5th, 6th and 7th pints in the Ring o'bells, Punch and the Bulls head, lots of karaoking in all three pubs from me and Matt ,MJ wanted to sing your song on video so he could txt it to Becky!
By the time, we'd got to the Malt shovel it was shut, eh? how did that happen?, so we all piled into the Rose and Crown and had our last beers of evening, now i was aware that it was after 11pm, when we arrived and 1am when we left but thought i only had one drink! Wrong, Matt said we had 3.
The young uns went t'regal, leaving us 6 struggling to be alive, oh what a fooking mess............me and Andy called for a taxi to come to the front door as we couldn't walk to the rank, then i blinked and Katy and Sarah had climbed in too, even though they live in opposite directions, neitherof their abodes anywhere near us!!!!

Saturday, god we were ill, fought off Mr. Porraits advances for a good hour before i succumbed, he'd set the alarm for 10.30am for cricket, i turned it off as i didn't think my fragile head could stand the noise, so we slept in, awaking at 11.20am, when he'd to be in his whites at 12 in Morley..........oops!
Poor boy, he'd spent most of the night on the loo, 10 pints from 7 different barrels was doing his digestive system no favours! I awoke at 2pm, can't remember feeling that shabby for a long time, i literally did nothing, couldn't face swimming, laid on the sofa eating pork pies and hotdogs! don't ask! THEN, get this... new neighbours, started having a band practice, fucking drum-kit going full blast (come back bugsy Bev all is forgiven), struggled to get ready to go out that evening, if Matt hadn't have been home and Grant wasn't on his end of season, i would have stayed in p.j's for sure!

Matt called at my house with my birthday gifts at 7ish funny mix, 1 box of pinot grigio, white tulips, chocolate cake and 1lb of liver........(private joke) how spoilt?
We collected KF in a cab and had 3 in the club, Andy was so ill he was out for a duck and had to come home in the 2nd 1/2 as he had projectile vomiting (not ideal on the cricket pitch) so he was ligged on the sofa with the fire on full....bless!
We went to the Commercial and had a 4th, decided to look for Woz in Spoons and bumped into Carl Mason and JP on the way, who told us he was in bed at home, so we made the right choice, all piled in a cab to my house, watched Love actually on DVD, ordered 2 pizzas, chips and onion rings from pizza base, Katy and i had a few glasses of wine, Matty had 2 cans of Stella Deano had left at Christmas, best of all i got to spend the evening in my pyjamas, they left at 1am and i went up to bed.................perfect!

Sunday, was awoken at 12.15 by AP on the blower..........go away, what do you want?, he was ringing as he thought i'd slept in for the family meal, no you wally the table is booked for 7pm!
Was so glad i was up, turned into the Tasmanian devil, as i mowed the lawn, removed 100 dandelions, hosed down all patio furniture, washed 3 loads, stripped bed, did a huge pile of ironing, pegged out towels, bedspread and rugs, even got the ladders out and changed all the dud lightbulbs, it was such a lovely day, the cats had played out all afternoon!, Showered and had a jacket spud with cottage cheese, then it was 6.30pm, little AP arrived, Marlo and Jim picked us up to take us to the Rising Sun, Ruth and Mark turned up and we had a swell evening, the meal was bab (burnt yorkshires and roast potatoes), but the wine was flowing and the company was great! so all in all a lovely evening, Mum shamed Andy into building me a patio as she made noises to the effect of "you shouldn't be climbing ladders, when you have a boyfriend" Hahhhhaaaa!
Dad and AP get along really well, due to their mutual love of sport, Mum started getting a bit lairy as she was knocking back her 2nd Baileys, Ruth was drinking coke, but this didn't prevent her ripping the piss out of me all night......oh me! Mark was strugging to be awake after his 4 day bender in Edinburgh for a stag do! realised when you have had 3 little bottles of wine, it's the same volume as a full bottle, so was trying not to slur my words, oh heck!! we all departed at 10.30pm, gave Andy a kiss and left him in the back of Marlo's car, i hope she took him home and didn't kidnap him!
So was in bed at 11pm,slept a good 9 hrs and was fresh as a daisy yesterday!

Did jackshit, Monday all day.......had a lazy night, in preperation for my mad birthday, just had a few friends round, the cast of Eastenders, Little Britain, them commoners from Wife swap and Tony and Gary from Men behaving badly.........or did i just watch them on t.v? I don't know, i get confused!!!!!!!

2 week marathon

Well I have almost three weeks of blogging to catch up on so first of all I must apologise for the length of this blog entry but also the lack of detail in many bits of it. That’s because half the time I wont remember and half the time I’m trying to save space.

On Monday 3 April I decided to stay in and was doing a very good job at staying in, talking to Karen on the phone and then in one of the wee breaks that we have every hour Wes rang and asked if I was going to Via Fossa as there was a karaoke competition. I can’t resist karaoke as we all know and so I said I’d go along so I turned up at Via at 10.40pm! I sang and came second which meant that I went through to the final the following week but I was going to be in London so had to say I couldn’t make it. The barman bought me and Wes a pint and we sat and had a chat.

Wes told me that he had been originally planning to con me but he’d come round to the idea that I was a good bloke and so it wouldn’t be right to con me. He wasn’t a teacher, hadn’t been to university and in fact was “nothing”. I was quite relieved that he hadn’t robbed me but not entirely surprised. He said the old, well if you don’t want to be my friend anymore line but I replied by saying that if anything I liked him even more and would have happily got his “winkie” out there and then and sucked it. He told me to shut up as I was getting him hard and asked if I really meant it. I said god yes and so we agreed to go back to mine which we did after NY and Thompson’s. We had a fun time but him being straight didn’t kiss with tongues or suck. But I did fuck him so it’s not all bad!

Thursday 6 April, got an email from Karen – really fancy coming over to Canal Street. So she, Steven and Andy did. We had a right old time as mentioned by Karen in her blog last week. It was ace: the tranny was there, Jhoni, the fit Indian, Andrew and Wes. I gave Andrew the hard word that he wasn’t to come home anytime soon (he stayed out till 8, I know, or care, not where). Karen and her merry band had to go at 1ish and me and Wes and Andrew stayed out longer and eventually went to Cruz 101. Wes and I didn’t stay long as we had to go back to mine for more hanky panky.

Friday 7 April went out with Janet and Penny and Penny’s hubby Matt. Penny was the person who had my job at Salford before me. Had a nice time but left a bit too late: I was planning to go to Canal Street and meet up with Wes but he sent a text asking me to confirm this but I never got it till 10 o clock and by that time it was too late so he didn’t come out so I ended up with Andrew. He bought drinks all night but flew from one pub to the next meaning I didn’t have enough time to drink my drink. Anyway it was his money. He was lusting after some fat ugly mong which really annoyed me and I ended up having a massive strop with him saying how do you think I feel when you’d rather be with a fat ugly mong than me, especially after everything I’ve done for you. Cunt!
Went to Cruz but I don’t remember if we left together or not – no I just remember we did and went to bed at about 3am.

Saturday 8 April, went to Liverpool and had 2 pints and lunch with Lisa and Meic and then three pints with Alastair. Had a really nice relaxing afternoon and it was very nice to see them all again. Got home early evening and did sod all. Andrew went out and I stayed in.

Sunday 9 April, went to London! I got the train at quarter to two so walked with AL towards his work and then carried on. Slept on the train on the way down. Met Doug at the other end and we got a bus to his place and had a cup of tea, then went for a pint or two, came back for dinner and some wine and then went out to the Black Cap to see Sandra. Ooh how I’ve missed her. It was a nice night but nothing eventful.

Monday 10 April, up late – went for a greasy spoon breakfast – very disappointed by lack of fried bread but the sausages were nice. Went into London and having nothing better to do went to see a film. I know I should have done something cultural but I was tired and thought if I needed to I could nap there. Got to LSE at about half past 4 and started drinking with Rich who has converted to drinking bottles on Magner’s Cider in a pint glass with ice. Before long we were joined by Alan, Alan’s man- Peter, Ed, Will, Dr Sen. It was ace and lovely to see them. We trecked over to the George and carried on drinking there. Rich went off talking to scary mary, then who should turn up but Adrian, the main reason I left London!!! He barked at me for half an hour and then I sloped off when he started chatting Dr Sen up. Had a really nice night but a concern of mine was where I was going to stay. Nobody had offered me a bed so I decided I’d go to the White Swan, watch the stripper and then snooze on buses all night travelling from one side of London to the other but then Peter said I could stay at his so that was very nice. So they went home, I went to the white Swan – no stripper – how gutted was I? I could have cried I was so sad. So I got a taxi to Peter’s and slept very well in his spare bed while imagining Alan hungrily receiving a length of manmeat in the room next door while on all fours panting like an exhausted coypu.

Tuesday 11 April: Got a taxi into LSE. Had proper breakfast from Wrights – with fried bread!!!! Then had my HE FE meeting which I had to chair. It went really well and afterwards I went up to the old 10th floor and said hello to Kevin and the old SDU folks. Me and Al and Rich had a few but my train was at 7 so I had to skedaddle. Couldn’t sleep on the train which was a nuisance. Had two pints, no two and a half pints in Churchills and went home and had a relatively early night but didn’t sleep at all… typical!

Wednesday – lawks a mercy – stayed in!!

Thursday 13 April: I can hardly remember. Went out with Janet to Churchill’s, all the usual suspects were there, Nicole the tranny, Andrew, after work, Wes, Kevin. Had a great time, as usual. Janet went home at 12ish – or rather she went to the New Union and met a woman from south Africa who said to her “Ah, you are my sister, you must come round to my home and eat with me and we shall discuss business” someone also offered her drugs, sex and probably rock and roll. Meantime I got hot and dirty with Wes again.

Friday 14 April: Good Friday: Slept later than I’d planned then did very little cleaning and washing which is what I’d planned and I slept a fair bit so the time Chris arrived, I’d only done the Bathroom. Anyway he arrived at 4,30 and we went off to Asda where I spent £100 on a load of stuff including 24 toilet rolls!! Came home, drank, had Doritos, had pizza, had fags. Went out onto Canal Street and had a nice time. We went to Via, Churchills, New Union with Andrew as he’d finished work by then and back to Churchills. Left at 1.30 I think, got food on the way home – loads of it and bed for 3am.

Saturday 15 April: Chris was overhung, Andrew had been out all night and came home at 10.35am stuffing his face with McDonalds so we had Sausage sandwiches. We all went out to do a bit of shopping – not that any of us bought anything – no AL bought a PS2 game -, we just needed an excuse to get out of the house to get to the pub which we promptly did after a wander round. Tried the living room but we weren’t prepared to be non-smoking so we went to the Hog’s head and had 3 pints. Andrew went off after 2 to play his game so me and Chris had a third, then we went home to prepare for the night out (i.e. Chris needed a shit). Had a pint in the Rain Bar then downed 2 absolute sham bulls (6 vodkas, red bull and a bottle of sparking wine). Then AL turned up and we had another one between the three of us. We all wondered over to Canal Street and Andrew went to meet Nick a friend of his who is like a whale – tall deep fat broad – massive.

Chris and I had one in Via I think, then one in View where we met Wes, then went to Risa where I started feeling drunk so had coke but ended up dancing like a freak. Then we went to Churchill’s where Andrew was trying to jettison Nick so he could go to Legends and pull on his own without Nick (who is sweet on Andrew and would have been upset). Chris was drunk at this point but led by Wes we went to Baa Bar and then Thomson’s before deciding we needed food and bed. So we got some food and went to bed. Don’t really remember much about Saturday night to be honest, I was mullered.

Sunday 16 April: Chris went home early doors, I slept most of the day.

Monday 17 April: I slept most of the day but did do washing cleaning and hovering. Watched the Island on TV which was good. I was glad we watched it. Nice last day off as it was relaxing but I was looking forward to getting back to work.

And so ends my marathon blog.

I’ll blog tomorrow about this week. That will be a shorter one I promise

Wobbly teeth

It's weekend eve already, i love these 4 days weeks!
What have i been up to? diddly squat.

The Tuesday was like every other Monday, did everything in slow motion, for tea i decided to have some of the mixed grill, steamed some sprouts, made mash and carrot and swede, then took my chops out from under the grill and low and behold i'd cooked Gammon, what a cunt!
Put the fat bastard bacon on one side and took more pork chops from freezer.
Gammon and sprouts have you ever heard anything like it?
As you can see i'm waffling on about tea as nothing else happened, watched t.v, read in bed..........was so fucked after my 5 day bender!

Felt top o' the morning yesterday, unfortunately had a really dull day, David was moggy as he's back on his diet and Leigh is in Dublin so he had noone to play with, the day really dragged, paid all my spare cash into my ISA's am so brassic now.
Went to Morrisons at lunch, got it was a shite day!
T.time, Ruth called for her Dam photos,( they're so good, i'd already dropped Spug's copy off Tues t.time), had gammon and eggs funnily enough for tea!
Then me and Andy watch the sixth sense on DVD last night!

Done nothing today so far, am dizzy with all the forthcoming events.
I've been shamed into going to the gangshow tonight (my Father was the founder and it's the last one), off to Chris's practice tomorrow afternoon in Wilmslow, so he can sort my poorly tooth out, then flying back for the Westgate Wobble (all invited 7.30pm top pack)!!!
Saturday having a steady one at the club as Andy doesn't want to be ill for the family meal.
Sunday dining at the Rising Sun with parents and siblings.
Tues, Andy is taking me to Aldo's.

May day weekend, i'm having a chilled one, plan to shampoo the carpet, do my roots, visit Sam and do lots of weeping into my pillow as AP is in Italy on Rugby tour, i am not happy at all, he'll be ill for days when he gets home and he'll have done in a grand which he could have put towards my ring!

Amsterdam

Last Thursday... some idiot decided we should meet for a few pre-Amsterdam drinks, by the time I'd been for my haircutting, dropped some samples of at Spug's, fake tanned, done my nails and packed, there was no time to eat, no worries... have 7 pints on an empty stomach Karen...............by the time Andy and Woz showed up at 10pm after the rugby tour meeting, i was in la la land!
He took me home, put me to bed and had his wicked way......bad boy!

Friday...oh my fooking god, i wanted to die, AP left at 8.30am to help his Dad landscape the garden........schmuk!
I set the alarm and rose at 11.30am, had a bacon butty and we collected Katy and Ruth, then an already pissed Sarah from the train station, we met the other 4 girlies (Beth, Jo,Tina and Spug) in Dewsbury, a very happy Andy sped off in my car for the weekend, while the 8 of us hit the nearest pub which was full of Alkies, Doleys and chavs...nice! we had a quick 2 pints, Spug and Beth opened their cards and presents, Sarah drew on my t.shirt which ruined my whole weekend, then at 3pm bus driver Bill collected us and demanded a hug! (fooking hell Bill we are not mates, just because i have shares in the old peoples coach tours).
5 more pick-ups and we were at Hull, with a hen party on our coach, the cunts stealing our thunder!!!!!
Anyhow there were 8 of them too, but they were rough as fuck from Cas and they'd brought along a screaming queen who was talking about bum fun and lube and the top of his voice, so everyone on the bus hated them and loved us! yippee!

So we're in Hull, Tina is sheet white at the size of the ship, Bill volunteered me to collect all the passports and put them in alphabetical order, twat! I've told you I'm not your mate!
We made the decision to stay in our tour t.shirts for the evening, dumped our bags in our cabins and headed for the bar....hurrah! 1 pint later we were all hank marvin, we bought our meal tickets and headed for the 4 seasons restaurant, where we made light work of a 4 course meal until we couldn't move..as you do!

Our Friday evening consisted of drinking, bingo (shut up i'm 37 next week), more drinking, i was petrified of the fooking boat, poor Tina had to buy travel sickness bands......the only thing i could think of to make the situation better was pints of stella with vodka chasers!!!???! what a twat!
Everyone thought they knew us as we had our names on our t.shirts....i turned into a gurning gobshite and was telling some tall geezer from Earlsheaton that his breath smelt and could he face the other way, we'd sat in the Irish bar most of the evening as the caberet lounge was rammed....oh we were messy! by 1am we'd taken over the dancefloor and i'd let it slip to Katy that the bar had run out of XXXX and we'd been on stella all night!
Sarah and i were the 1st to bed, leaving the other loons trekking round the ship, going out onto the skylight deck in their pyjamas Katy barfing in the loo and the others getting 6 more vodkas in as the bar was nearly shut!


5am Saturday, bing bong bing..... shut up you witch yes we know you can speak 4 foreign languages! all is not well, i'm aching like fuck...............OH MY GOD! realised in my drunken state i have indeed fallen out of the top bunk in the night and have a 6" bruise to prove it! everyone had been down to breakfast bar me and Katy, we were the last 2 on the ship to dine, still pissed, not speaking, trying to force a full English down our throats!
On the bus at silly o'clock, i'm sure we went through passport control but i can't remember!
Tina is chuntering at the side of me "it's very basic" coming out of the port and "ooh Bill" everytime he breaked!
The journey from Rotterdam into Amsterdam took about 1 1/2hrs, showed the whole coach my bruise to lots of "OOOH'S" fell off the bus and into McDonalds, then we mooched for the whole day, it was fab, really cool, we had coffees, sat in the sun, went in the sex museum, bought our duty free, ate, went to the red light district,( to much giggling at the fat european mingers in thier 50's trying to make a living in the shop windows) bought Andy his hard core porn, bumped into our mates from Dewsbury! took photos in Dam square, oh it was so cool! sampled a few lagers (hair of the dog) then it was 4pm and time to clamber back on the coach, boo! wolfed a cheeseburger and chips down and tutted at the hen party all stoned asking for chocolate, get lost bockers!

Back on the "floating hotel" showered, asked Ruth to sleep on the top bunk that night, borrowed Tina arena's hairdryer, then me and Ruthrack "saved" some seats for our party in the bar, needn't have bothered as only 500 passengers sailing back that night! had a very funny night, i don't know how we all found our energy after only 4hrs sleep!
We chose not to dine again at £16 a shout, so we ate junk food and drank all night, lots of vodka consumed by all, excluding poor Jo (baby doesn't like voddy).
Sarah got us all doing drinking games, lots of sillyness, running round the ship, carrying on with the bar staff, the boat was really calm that night which was a fooking relief.

Headed downstairs and did the conga at midnight for Spug's official birthday, Beth saving the coats, think she was trying not to get too wellied, as Jo had her climbing imaginary stairs the previous night down the corridor!
Some drunken blokes started moving in on us,an old geezer who was just like father Jack, the bar shut, i'd had enough, was sleepy and squishy, me and Beth stumbled up to our cabins at 1.15am............Ruth woke me up a couple of hours later as she came to bed (getting her own back from me waking her, opening the bathroom door several times thinking the light was on a sensor).
Then before we knew it, it was 6am and we'd docked, heard lots of people pulling suitcases along corridors to get off and decided to get up and start packing.

Hull to home, we threw Sarah out at Wakefield, so she could get the train back to GBY.
Then 10am was picked up by AP, bless him.......told me off for being bruised and looking like a battered wife and said i couldn't go to Amsterdam again.
Dropped everyone off and fussed cats, gave them turkey as a treat for being neglected and slept for an hour, then 3pm.............. back at the Sportsclub for more drinking.
"I love you" txt messages started coming through from Andy from the previous night, he looked a tad embarressed! and he's paid my subs and he gave me the mixed grill he'd won, how nice is he? Leeny and Mike made me show the whole club my bruise, had a couple of pints of shandy, took my car home and let the cats in, then walked down to spoons to meet Spug, Rach, Dean, Hayley, James, Katy, Grant and AP who were finishing their pints at the club and taxiing on! NOT! sat alone for 50mins while they were playing pass the parcel and the likes at the club as arranged by Mick Collins.

Had a couple more then we all went to the Wickham for more beer and pool, Ruth and Mark showed up and we all had a merry old time, Katy was leathered, Grant took her home, by 10pm i was goosed, me and little Ap went for pizza and sleeps!

Bank holiday Monday, up early for Oh my god i've missed you so much loving, napped a bit more then watched the HCP in bed through one eye to, "there's no need for that" chuntering at the really filthy bits.
I got up at 11am, left sleeping boy, while i mopped, vacced, washed up.......ya di ya!
Called at Marlene's to take her JPS, tescos for a few bits, ate left over pizza, 3 loads of washing then Sam and the girls came a visiting which was lovely.
Napped an hour on the sofa, then watched Peter Kay all night ligged in p.j's having wine.

Tuesday...today, back at work for a rest, i'm getting too old for all this hard partying!

2 more sleeps!

Tic tic tic............

Well the week has been okay, Monday... as usual did very little, the day was spent blogging, emailing my friends, Matt's absence wasn't really noticeable as that blooming student from GBY was on fine form.
I've told her, 1st to the pub Friday gets 7 pints and 1 orange juice in (poor Jo). I think she's started batch baking sausages to last her over the weekend, she'll probably eat the lot on the train before Norwich!

Did nothing Monday evening, read and watched t.v, after a random tea of pie and peas with mint sauce, rice pudding, followed by ryvita with dairylea........................NO I'm not up the duff!

Tuesday, took lots of tasks in hand, booked for my hair cutting at a proper hairdressers for Thursday t.time (need to look my best for all those Dutch truckers on Friday night, hahhhaaaaa),took my car through the car wash (so am not embarrassed when Gill and Dave have it parked down their drive all weekend) went trekking round Leeds to buy the birthday girls bottles of perfume respectively (it was much better when i was poor and could get away with giving everyone samples from work.)

Had an email from Helen, she is alive and well living in Southampton and still chomping on Minge!
Emma has passed her driving test, Congratulations EMMA!!!! Hoorah!
I've posted Gabe's card, as i am organised........then fetched Leigh 2 poloshirts from Next and a birthday cake for us to scoff in the office, I'm not sending Kay a card, if she can't be arsed to keep in touch, then that's her look out! so that's 6 birthdays this week, Beth, Leigh, Spug, Gabe, Kay..................mind you i don't really know Andy Garcia!

Ruth has booked a table at the rising Sun for my birthday family meal (as i am too shy to use the phone myself), of course i'm allowed 3 birthday celebrations, i'm like the queen, only not 80..........plus Marlene didn't want to come on the wobble and she'll be in'road in Aldo's when Andy proposes on the 25th............hahhahhaaaaa!!

Where was i, oh yeah, Tuesday called at the Mother's on the way home, Steven was pulling a moonie out of the bay window as i arrived (he's so grown up), did nowt Tuesday night, by the time i'd done all my cleansing, steamed my veg and eaten my tea is was 1/2 past the 8! Watched some of series 2 Little Britain Andy got me for Chrimbo, then double wammy of No Angels, end of the series and couldn't resist watching the last one on E4, now i've nowt to do next week............oh me!

Wednesday Morning, today is Leigh's birthday (and Beth's) Happy birthday to you!
I'm completely wired, have only just sat down at my desk, mad errands all morning, realised on 3 short journeys i've been on my horn 4 times...................deep breaths!
David sent me to pay 30 grand in the RBS, they sent me away as he'd dated the cheque the 17th, came back to work, his words "yeah i know i don't want it to clear till after the bank holiday."

Then i've been traipsing round Bowling Hall looking for Supergifts, he failed to mention the building had Woolbro (not supergifts) splattered across it!
Been back to Next to get Leigh bigger size t.shirts as he couldn't get his man boobs in the Large!
Then Dave had the cheek to ask if i'd go fetch 40 crates of Stella for Dan's party!!!??

Anyhow he's just flown off to Marbella so we can rest easy for a week...phew!
Bank holiday plans.
Tonight, going for a sunbed, AP coming round, he's bringing his "check" for France?
Tomorrow, having a hair cut, packing, meeting Andy for beers.
Friday departing to Amsterdam................to return Sunday, we will fall straight back into the pub for Spug's official birthday, by Monday i will be fit for nothing!!!

Grouch

Thursday was a very off the cuff random night, as you know the most i do on a Thursday evening is side some washing from the clothes airer, oh no not last week.......look at me go!

Was having a crap week, due on and moggy, Thursday morning i had really bad backache, i had an appointment at the beauticians at 4.30pm Friday so decided to book the day off, then realised it would be a complete waste of a days holiday unless i could utilise it by having hangover........so i wonder who would be up for Thursday night drinking?

Rang jobless brother to see if he was game, he was detoxing after his holiday in the states, but said he would happily drive me anywhere i wanted to go..................CANAL STREET IT IS!
Emailed Matty, who was well up for it, shock horror! txt little AP (as, if he'd fucked off to Manchester without telling me i'd have gone mad), but he took the txt as an invite.............bless!
So we all piled in the C4, arrived at Matt's at 7.50pm, Steven kept the car running while we watched Matt shave and wash his hair,i saw Andrew Bland who i used to work with,( he's one of the jews) as i was leaving Matt's flat........random! we parked up and plonked in Churchill's in the 3rd best seats and we drank and drank and drank!
Steven poor boy, had 4 bottles of Evian....but he offered.
What a top night, Matt wanted to sing straight away, he sang the lion sleeps tonight and 24hrs from Tulsa, poor Gene Pitney!

by 9.30pm, all the freaks started to arrive, The fly and his wife, Matt's new squeeze Wes (who didn't look a day over 14 and was a right little scally, but he did tell Andy he was well impressed with his bird's drinking), Matt ex Andrew arrived, wearing a French C&A combo that Matt had bought him, he bought a round which was kind, then low and behold the worst transvestite in the world appeared, Nicole! Andy's eyes were like golf balls, but he was everything Matt had described, his bad wig, dire clothes, his clutch bag and his small dancing with really teeny weeny steps....................funny? i nearly peed my pants!
The whole night was a blur from then on, i do remember a cat fight between some queens, a sherry glass got broken and someone spilled a port and lemon!!! Matt said i was like a blurred person............i sang Karaoke, but after 7pints i was struggling to be alive, Steven found it all highly amusing, in between shouting at me and AP for snogging like we were at a school disco and making friends with every Lesbian in the place.
All too soon, we had to make a move, stumbled out of the pub and wobbled to the carpark, gave Matt his frozen pork pies out of the car boot and off he toddled to go clubbing, with Wes, his ex and his frozen pork pies in his corduroy jacket pocket???!! WTF?

I fell in the back of the car and promptly fell asleep on everyone's coat's while a pissed AP directed Steven the wrong way out of Manchester.
Next thing i know we're at the Porritt Bungalow and it's 1.50am....oh hecky thump!
Poor Andy had only 5 hrs kip before he'd to be up for work.

I however, slept a good 12hrs and awoke with a thick head vowing, never again! lying cunt!

Highlights of Friday, went to Nicholas for waxing, tinting and booked a course of sunbeds.
Bought some more porkpies, had stew for tea.........then spent the evening fussing poor Andy who was shabby and sleepy (even let him have the big sofa to lig on, how kind am i?)
Don't know how all this staying in on a Friday night came about? but i am surely going straight to hell for dumping all the girls in favour of watching films with boyfriend.

So we watched, KillBill and Saw II, i watched In her shoes after Ap had departed home to Bed after OD'ing on Evian, i'd already read the book, so i knew the plot, what a waste of time, didn't really care as i was on my 5th glass of wine and quite merry with the whole situation............pisshead!

Saturday was the usual, went Swimming (No Battle this week), early tea and went to club at 7pm, sat with Debbie, Nichola, Caroline and Tracy till Spug arrived at 8pm, the night was a bit poo, all the lads went home, so Andy was the only boy in tow as we taxied to Spoons, Caz and Nic went for food at 10, Debbie was regailing funny stories of Marshy's past.
Me and Spug had a sloppy joes, Chicken Bhuna for me and Korma for her, the dirty bastard had watered down the mango chutney! Andy had some chips......
We were in bed for 11 and asleep before Midnight, what's all that about?

Sunday, Andy had set the alarm for 9am, as him, John and Warren were going to watch Deano play football in Thackley, i kindly offered him a lift thinking he's turn me down and let me sleep...............not!
Fell back into bed at 9.30 and slept the whole morning, had slept too long and was foul for the rest of the day!
Usual, washing, EE, changing bedclothes......blah di blah!
Started a new book, which is good news.......Txt Ruth to see if she was out that night, it hadn't been delivered until 1 1/2hrs after so, by the time Spug phoned to say did i need a lift it was nearly 8pm, i was in the middle of my tea, the cats were out and i was settled for the night.
I went to Spoons with them for 1 pint and had a banging headache, was no company for man or beast and should really have stayed in.
By 9pm, i was back in my p.j's, watching Pretty Woman on DVD with a nice glass of wine in hand...............better! at least i wasn't subjecting others to my nasty mood!

Bed at 1am, feel fab today,(unlike AP, who because Deano's match was called off, spent all day in the boozer, him, John, Woz and Deano having their 1st pint at 10.15am, with the alkies) noone had washed their pots here on Friday, the office is a tip and David is setting detanators off, he's put one under Leigh's chocolate eclair, which won't make a mess when that explodes!???!!

Still it's all good fun!

I love Boats

This morning i temporarily forgot my fear of sailing as i actually got a bit excited about the girly weekend in Amsterdam!
Mind over matter!!??! i have tried self hypnosis, seemingly you have to put yourself in a room, with your life in installments on video tapes, pick out the 1st tape of your sailing voyage, put it in the player and watch it.........................or summert!!!???!!

Fuck that, i'm just going to get pissed!!

My whirlwind of the 1st half of the working week.

Oooh!!!??! it's been exactly the same as any other Monday to Wednesday!

Monday, i had salmon for tea......spoke to Matt on the phone, then he went out at 10.30pm at night looking for bum fun, i shuffled off to bed, watched one foot in the grave and read shit book.

Tuesday, i went home in my lunch hour yesterday as i wanted to go to Metcalfs and the pet shop, also called in Tesco's, went home, unpacked my shopping and made it back to work within the hour!
Marlene called for 2hrs last night, which was nice.........i did wonder why Luther suddenly took his paw from my plate and forgot about nicking my lamb chops as he hid under the coffee table (he must have heard the gate), so i missed Eastenders and Holby city............no matter!
Spent a further 1/2hr cleaning the cooker..............my life is so sex, drugs and rock and roll!
Watched No Angels at the 10pm and finally finished the longest book in the universe, asleep at 12.10am

Wednesday, loads of shouting and screaming in the office this morning, i can't bare it!!
When i was at lunch yesterday Leigh was strapped to a chair and left lying on the floor like a hostage, he was eventually cut free, then everyone had a McDonalds like it never happened!
Make no wonder i spend most of my life daydreaming, like i'm not really here living this life, i mean who would put up with it?

Still, looking forward to my cheese sandwiches at lunch, can't decide whether to buy Kill Bill 2 at lunchtime or go to Morrisons.
Tonight..........Andy, Ruth and Mark are coming for Steak and Chips, like i know how to cook steak! Must hoist Mark some DVD recordable, rewritable, plus R, Minus R.........discs thingymajigs today!

Absolutely NO plans for Thurs, Fri, Sat or Sunday..........again.

This is quite good as out of the next 10 weekends, we only have 2 where we've nothing planned (this is Due to Amsterdam, Rugby Tour, My birthday, Daniels Engagement, Rhian's 40th, Yai Yan's Wedding, Sportsmans dinner.......the list is endless), THEN we go to France, oh lordy lord, busy bee..........

Dull weekend

Friday
Had arranged to go out with Janet and her mate Dave to the cinema. Janet was working till 7on the desk but as it was the last day of term the Library closed early and so she wasn't needed so we went out at 5pm. I was tired having been out with Wes till 3am the previous night and had thought that since we were planning to see a film I'd already seen I could drink till 8.30 then sleep through some of the film and then be fine to go out afterwards. But I was stitched up by Janet who told Date that me and her wanted to drink so we drank and then Dave droive home with us and then we got a txi back into town and it was all a huge waste of time and by the time we got back into town, we'd lost an hour of drinking and I was bushed and really didn't have a nice time as I needed my bed.

Saturday
Up at 11.30 as I was woken up by a door to door market researcher. Watched TV, ate some crackers. The market research man came back and he interviewed me on my views on fags, the RAF, fridges, travelling and other nonsense. Ate ham sandwiches, spoke to Alan, slept for 2 hours. Went to the shop at 9.00 made another sandwich (this time seafood sticks and salad cream). Watched Golderneye, made some refrigerator cake, watched Entrapment, watched Jonathan Ross. Bed at 3am.

Sunday
Woken at 7.30 by AL with McD's hash brown for me, back to bed at 8.00 and up properly at 1.00, rung my mum as it was her birthday, rung Caroline, rung Doug, watched telly, slept. Went to the shop and made a nice tea, watched Minority Report, ironed, watched 8 episodes of 24. Bed at 3am.

Dvd's, eating, drinking and exercise

Friday evening, was trying to look seductive for when boy turned up for DVD night, made a real effort by not being in p.j's at 7pm.........he arrived bang on time, just as i was clearing up cat sick and trying to stop a wasp stinging Maisie..............oh hecky thump!

Well, these things happen! none of the above seemed to put him off as he suggests a quickie while the pasta is cooking........how very dare you! had a nice tea, ate kettle chips and posh M&S mini bites all night, he had 4 pints of water, i waded my way through several glasses of wine as i am an old lush, all of this during 1st DVD, Final destination 3 (v.good) and 2nd DVD The Constant Gardener (bag o' wank).
Bedfordshire 1.30am after the Mitchell brothers.........the real story (seen on some crap sky channel, when nothing good is on 1-5 as every normal person is in bed, apart from those too pissed to see straight, told you..........lush).

Saturday, awoke wishing i had drunk water like athlete boyfriend, My boss had tried to April fool me by setting my phone alarm for 5am (he's sooo funny), little does he know i always put phone an silent at night!, dragged myself to the baths, cursing every other fucker on the road, took off clobber and put on full length bathing suit, jigging about 1/2 naked swearing profusely as my blinking locker band wouldn't work, got dressed again, went back up to reception tutted in council workers face, while she swapped band and told me i should have called a member of pool side staff to help! back to changing rooms, undress again, sprint to pool, stare aghast at 1 million kids.
Swapped from lengths to widths to avoid said rugrats, then clocked a girl from school, Joanna Battle (she used to bully me and i fucking hated her ever since the day she punched me in the stomach during netball), she was sat in the spectators seats watching her loving husband swim with her 2 beautiful daughters............cunt!, felt sick with jealousy for a brief moment, then thought.......... Yeah but she wasn't sat on her 27yr old boyfriends cock last night, smiled smugly and carried on my doggie paddle!

Home at 3pm, cooked a lovely brunch, watched Kill Bill on DVD after my shower, then Ruthrack came up in her new car, bless!
Her and Mark stayed 1/2 hr, then i got a wriggle on, got ready and Spug picked me up in a cab at 8pm.........had a very random night, had 2 drinks in spoons, Andy was on the wobble with the 3rd team and judging by the "love you" txt messages he was already on his way, Spoons was the usual cattle market, so we sat in the snug in the commercial, Nic, Carl, JP, Clare, Katie, Chris and Caroline were in there, had a brief chat with them, but only had one in there as Ruth was too warm........so we moved to the Wickham pool room and played tunes on the jukebox, had 2 more pints and Spug treat us to crisps!

Then calamity, it shut............we had to schlep back to spoons, found a table, plonked, realised it was midnight and nice boyfriend was still 1/2 way down the wobble with 20 other rugga buggas, found his whereabouts, said my goodbyes to fellow drinkers and trailed round to the Rose and Crown, to absolute carnage................like i said 21 rugby players, blue shirts, red ties, pissed as farts on pint number 13......told Matt Womersley Katie had come clean to Grant, think he did a little frightened wee and took himself off home, most people dispersed, 10 or so got in cabs at 1am to the Xclusive in Batley, i bought AP another beer and we sat in the corner while he acted like a drunken maudling loved up fool.................cab home and put him to bed at 1.30am.

Some Sunday morning loving, i got up and sat outside with a coffee as it was a sunny day, well until the heavens opened! ran inside and rung dressing gown out, let cats in, then went up to wake Andy and tell him i'd arranged to meet for Sunday lunch and did he want to come, he let out a little strangled "will you give me a lift home, then i can get a shower?" doh! drove him home in my pyjamas, put a wash on, made the bed, then picked him up at 2pm, had a brief chat wi 'in-laws, met Ruth, Mark, Spug and Riley in the Commercial where the Sunday lunches are meant to be outstanding, what a bloody let down, the best bit about the meal was the pint of coke i'd had before hand! the meat and veg were ok, but the mash was really lumpy and i think 2 out of 6 of us finished our desserts, i sampled, mine, Spug's and Andy's and they were all poor!

Took little AP home, got in at 3.30pm, did my roots, more washing..........rugs, trainers, anything i could lay my hands on!, stripped spare bed, vacced, dusted, watched Fridays Eastenders, had a shower, cleaned stair carpet using rubber gloves (magnet for cat hair) then after tea, moved some furniture round then put it back again, settled down with vino, magazine and Charlie's Angels on channel 5, Sam phoned at 10.30pm.........i finished me wine and retired at half 12.

So had a lovely weekend all in all, best make the most of it, only one more left before Amsterdam, still drowning is one of the nicest ways to die, so Andy told us yesterday...........the buffoon!