You've read Karen's version: this is mine

For most of my weekend see Karen’s blog of 29 March at 11.08. No point me repeating what she’s already written but she missed a few small details.

So go off and read her blog now (http://lagertops.blogspot.com/2005/03/carcrash-literally.html) and then come back and read this.

While we were in Selfridges we were mincing around the menswear department and who should I see in the corner of my eye, behind a counter, but Chris, the cute 23 yo who caused me so much trouble on 9 November (Blog passim) I pretended I was looking at nasty jumpers for a gift for Warren but I was seeing if it was him and all of a sudden I turned round and it was him. I said hello, he said hello, he smiled, winked and everything which I thought was rum indeed!

After dinner (which I thought rather unexciting) we went to Churchill’s and ended up sat next to a group of lesbians which seemed to grow like cancer. It started off with about three, then six and then millions of them. To develop the oncological simile a little further, if they were the tumour, we were the healthy tissue being squeezed and starved of nutrients next to this growing mass of badness. And then as if in injection of chemo had just struck home, they all disappeared. I reckoned that their cats needed feeding but Karen didn’t like this as on that front she’s a bit dykey herself.

I did a bit of singing, Karen waited till she was a little tipsy but given her Alzheimer’s, she needn’t have worried. She went to the loo and I asked her to come back with the karaoke book and when she got back somehow the words karaoke book had transmogrified into the words “two pints of Kronenbourg”.

Anyhew, after the lesbos had gone, we shuffled over to the sought after corner table and that’s where it all began. As well as the Chinese Banzai man with the glasses that knocked Deidre’s glasses into a cocked hat and poor little Alex who as well as paying Karen to be his friend kissed me on the lips and forced me to have a drink of his coke and vodka, there was another weird guy who looked like an oompa loompa from Willy Wonka – no actually more like an operative working for a James Bond baddie as he was all in orange. He kept dancing in front of our table and at one point started dancing with Karen as she came back from the bar. She stood there with a pint in each hand as this man rubbed and grinded against her as she shook her head like a disapproving teacher.

And then Chris came and sat down next to me. First we talked, then he started lighting my cigarettes, then he started pretending to whisper in my ear while actually kissing me and then fondled my groinal area.

Poor Karen was getting a bit drunk, getting off with a man with pubes for hair and jeans paler than Aporrait’s Levis. He was on top of her while she was on her back prone on the banquette. I realised we’d have to leave soon and just as we were about to go I said my goodbyes to those around us and Chris suddenly dragged me towards the toilets but thankfully was hampered by the number of people about and the staff who were popping in and out so we just snogged in the foyer outside the bogs before he tried to make me stay a bit longer by making me feel his hard on. Anyhew, I had Karen to look after so I went home with her … more’s the pity!!

I did not ask Karen to do her cumming face, I just asked her to do an impression of AP for my mum as she’s so good at it.

I was crap at singing on Friday. After the success of Thursday it was just the down to accompany the up but I shamed myself by singing songs I can’t sing and it was rather embarrassing. Warren drunk all of my beer and cleared up the mystery over why he never rings, he does (or so he says ) but never leaves a message. The little bugger (I don’t believe him of a second). Went to the Station which was the same as ever. Sang a bit better there. Then went to the Regal.

I hate the Regal. I don’t mean like MJ who has spent the past 10 years saying he doesn’t like it and that he only goes in there for me/Vicky/Sarah/Lee but really does like it. I hate it. The music is too loud and far too “urban”, there’s never anywhere to sit, the toilets are foul and you have to pay to get in. Why not just go to the Malt and drink there till 2 and not have to pay – and they have karaoke. Karen says people go to pull but I have never pulled there and probably never will so why do I go. It’s cack.

Got Karen to try my chicken bhuna in Mucky Joe’s she liked it so perhaps not she’ll start on proper curries not that goat stew that she normally has.

Saturday, cooked Spaghetti Bolognaise, went to Skipton, bought 5 Easter eggs (for mum, dad, me, Warren and Caroline), and a pan and a knife and a christening present for Olivia for next week. Then went to Harrogate. Had a couple at the club, spoke to Spuggles and Hayley and when we got home Uncle Brian and Aunty Judy were there. Then we had our Pasta which was lovely and that was about it.

Sunday – did very little, went drinking with Warren and Caroline, went home for the dinner and was out again 45 minutes later. Struggled to keep up (but I’d had 6) but was OK. Nobody was up fo much – most of the cricket boys inc Liam and Danny went to Halifax, Warren and Caroline went home as did some others including, famously, APorrait, Hayley had already gone home, Mark, Jean, Rachel and Dean were in OB’s so it was just me and Karen and Spug. After the AP event Karen wasn’t in the mood and so we went home after a couple in the Old House. I wanted to be out longer than that but no. Even my mum complained that I was home early. I don’t know – these Cleckheatonians are crappo.

Monday – went to see Alex and Jill with lil’ Alex’s card, had some fish and chips, came home, went shopping, spoke to Karen about AP, went out had 2 pints and was in bed by 11.

Another bank holiday weekend bites the dust!