Sometimes I am so special it amazes me...

Decided that I would turn down Friday night out with work to save money for holiday to Florida. Real reason was that me and the wife (Farida) and ex (Rich) were all up while 5.30am Friday morning chatting random bollocks and dancing round the front room. I felt like I'd had a stroke when it got to 3.30pm, so I politley declined.

Was the longest day of my life. got home finally, wife sweating and grumbling on sofa. Had some soup for tea (cos I was ill...) then fell into a coma like sleep for 12 hours.

Saturday, me and the wife and mate Lilo headed off into town for me to get hairspray, Farida to change some jeans and Lilo to find something to wear Saturday night.

Bought a fucking horrible skirt which is going back and a jumper thing for £85. Bargain.
Oh and some hairspray. Left Lilo to it and headed for the nearest bar. Realised we were to early for it to have opened so hung around outside like a couple of alcaholics until the lazy twat bar man let us in.

Couple of pints later, we got the BUS home. Farida is still coming to terms with having to do public transport. I had my eyebrows waxed and went for a sunbed.

Had another disco kip in preparation for a night full of absolute debauchery. Mate Simon (met him in Ibiza, shagged, popped pills together) was coming up from London. Got our guest lists sorted for back to basics or if we'd prefer, Asylum at Mint club which my friend Banksy runs.

Also got tickets to Arch 54, where my mate Craig DJ's. Decided I was going to go out without the marching powder this week and stick to 5 pills and shit loads of vodka instead.

Was arseholed when I arrived at the bar. I went blind from too much booze. Had some pills and can't remember a thing afterwards. Have vague flash back of being in Mint with Simon and raving madly at the DJ. Came home with the birds and noticed I had broken my flip on my mobile deeming it useless and got vodka cranberry all over my £85 jumper. And I looked like a gurning crack addict. Result!! Simon came over later and we slept together but I don't remember any of it.

Got up early and dropped Simon at the train station. Congratulated him on being a great contestant and sent him on his way back darn sarf. Posh London twat.

Got back home with the wife, realsing that we had locked ourselves out of our own house, with mobiles inside. Kicked in the cat flap (??) to try and get in, but hurt my finger instead. There was only one thing for it... lump on!!! Got 12 cans of stella and went round to see our little friend in Chapel town. We got bollocked all day! and night! no sign of Andy the lodger, with keys so we stayed at Farida's ex shags house. He's called Michael and he's a perverted sex pest.

Woke this morning feeling like shite, Farida DROVE to Arla foods where Andy works to borrow his keys at 8.30am. we looked like a couple of shivering casualties waiting in reception for him with the same scuzzy clothes we'd had on for days. Arrived in work at 10am.

My kidneys feel like raisens and I have turned a funny grey colour.

All in a weekends work!!

Drought over

Friday, friends were thin on the ground........Decided to go out at 7.15pm with Spug and make the most of it!!
Needn't have worried, once in Spoons settled down and within the hour were joined by, Tracy (who fights men) Caroline, Dirty Danny (who was just having 4 pints, then getting the 253 up to work to do the 10-6 shift!), New Cleck bender James, Mark and Mikey...........result!
Bumped into Jordie who i've not seen for 5 years and had a good old natter.
Most of us moved to the Turnstiles and James told me his whole sob story about splitting up with the older James, told him if he ever needed a friend he could txt me, so he put my number in his phone to get in touch if he wanted to go out.
Next thing we'd had a few drinks and he asked me to have a child with him, told him once i'd Married Matt, had his children, then spawned a couple for MJ married and divorced Alan i might be free around 2023.

All traipsed up to the Station and there was Tina and Beth sneaking out of the toilets (we're staying in as we're poor and working until 9pm and then up again for work Sat a.m.......AS IF!!).
Tina and I sang, then we all went to the Benson and Hedges club, behind us in the queue was Chris Rhodes,Phworr....... how fit is he?

Rasta d.j played me ice-cube and kissed me with his big rubber lips, i was physically repulsed and dashed to the bar for more redstripe to get rid of the taste.

We were boogying away then Tina and Beth bellowed in unison, "there's Squaddie"... he was shaking his bootie with some lady who looked like she was wearing a wedding dress, turned out to be cousin Debra in some scary flowing gown thing! silly me!!! Had a dance then he went to sit with all his family, he introduced them all one by one (felt like i was at some arranged f*cking marriage ceremony). Then gave me loads of money to get me him and Neil a drink, went over to Neil who was looking lovely as ever, new beard to top off his image, asked him what he would like to drink, the only word i could get out of him was "beer".

Turned round and there were Ruth and Mark interrogating poor Mr.Jackson.I shot off to chat to Chris Rhodes, who had had a bust up with his bird..(i'll go out with you) Bit of memory loss ensued, then GJ was trying to wrestle me to the floor in currymasters, not happy i walked off.he was bellowing across the road, "come back i was only kidding" more memory loss, martini and sleeping.

Saturday morning, some bedroom athletics and conversation topics, bulldog for Mum's 60th, chickens, scotch eggs, cross stitching, Ben's new found modelling career (the jigsaws are now in stock at AS's).

He left 11ish clutching his cold donner kebab pizza, i made him take home with him. He was going to give it to Neil as a gift.

I went back to sleep for a while then drove to Mcdonalds for some junk food.
Got ready to go out only to receive 2 pathetic txt messages from Spug saying how tired she was and she wouldn't be much company..........What the f*ck???
Had a complete panic attack, didn't have any friends to go out with, phoned everyone i knew nearly in tears, even txt new bender friend Jamz (as he spells it, how gay?).
Was saved by Tina (i've only had 3 hrs sleep, have worked all day and have to do a 14 hr shift tomorrow, also i can hardy walk coz of my sciatica) and Beth, hooray.........great mates.

Phoned Whitter as had an hour to spare, got to Spoons at 8.30pm, confronted Jamz who hadn't txt coz he'd no credit....Hmmm!
Sat with him and Danny who wasn't orange anymore, he was bright RED! and some other randoms, 1 guy who looked like a bulldog chewing a wasp, he hadn't been laid in 4 yrs and showed me a video clip of himself w*nking on his phone.

Another geezer in a bulls shirts drinking guinness, a man with sticky eyes and a girl with brown hair wearing a watch. God what a car crash, coronas, cidre ala blackcurrant, i snogged an ugly man in the Turnstiles beacuse he bough me a drink, he stuck his tongue down my throat, i nearly choked, if i'd have known he was going to do that i'd have held out for 2 pints..........snook out the back door and up to Beethams thong wearing disco/karaoke!!!!!
Regal......Steven was in there with his pals, he told me to look after Adam, so i did, literally.................oh dear i was in so much bother!!!

Beth was getting jiggy with Steven for a change, Danny was spilling lager everywhere, i was inviting Jamz to come and live with me until his flat's ready!!! but only him, not his chiwawa.........what a mess!
Taxi home with Beth, Tina and their takeaways.

Yesterday all plans went to pot! Kay came to cut my hair, then i couldn't go swimming coz i had nice hair, didn't go to the flicks coz Steven was cross with me! So had a pork pie and went back to bed.

Got up, did chores, then met the expectant parents, sister and back together boyfriend and Spug...had a few in spoons...home and watched the Green mile and had a cry....oh it's a good film!! Cofee as in the drink, but not spelt the same.

My future

Mr. Asquiths predictions for 2005

Job change..eek
House move..never, not having it, not a chance.
The year of change.. I'm a Taurean
Birth of a baby girl..Rach don't paint the nursery blue yet
2 passings/funerals, one expected one not..oh dear
A silver metallic car..i've ordered black
Someone around me will need a major operation..oh heck
Double birthday party of twin boys?..must be them freaks in the Malt
Number 4 relating to a date, the month and a door number..??
Link with policeman, but connected to the person not the uniform??
New circle of friends..we all know i make one new friend a year


Lots of other drek..

But he did say the bloke that keeps cropping up, that i've to stop pushing him away, as he can see that once i've got to know him better, he sees me laughing out loud at his humour/character and his company will be brilliant, plus he'll be a life long friend. So to stop fighting this admirer that wears a uniform.

He also said he can't see any negatives, but to watch for Australia?

Then he wittered on for a further 10 mins about me not liking change, being really stubborn, set in my ways and sticking to what i know and what's safe.
How all my friends are settled down with children and unless i get out there, i'm going to end up old and lonely.

He finished off by saying, it's okay to be surrounded by lovely things in a nice home and how people are envious of me, but at the end of the day you can't hug a sofa.............


Cheers!
£25 please

Asylum?

So i'm sat at my desk, being quiet......... emailing punters, instead of calling them on the phone, why the silence?

David is running a card school with the rest of the Jewish community.
I had to drive into town yesterday, to a certain solicitors and pay boss's £750 gambling debt, from the previous evening.

Only other work done this morning is fetch his cottage cheese from Morrisons (because it's competely normal for men who weigh less than 12 stone to be on the scarsdale diet).

Poor Paul got the short straw and had to fetch his box of viagra, from one of his pals on Kirkstall road.

Had a dream last night

I was something to do with the death of Lady Diana, they were taking my tigers eye ring (you know the one Steven got me for xmas in 1999) away for analysis, something to do with DNA testing and the chief policeman heading the enquiry was lovely, he was tanned and had really shiny diamond cufflinks and we fell in love and were were going to get married and i could give up my job and stay at home and breed children and bake apple pies wearing a flowery pinny..............then i woke up and i was f*cking gutted.

Got to work and got a half hearted b*llocking from David for being sick, he tells you off, then spends an hour saying "you're not upset are you?" and gives you sweets and easy jobs to do.
Poor David......

Anyway am going to see Alan Asquith tonight, sorry for everyone who wanted to go with me, but i phoned and he could squeeze me in tonight as i was going on me own, plus i'm sure i need more direction than any of you lot! ooh he's good i am excited.

I'll let you know what he has to say tomorrow.

Hee hee

Casting my mind back to Friday evening, can't think of anything out of the ordinary that happened.
Only 4 girls out, poor show...... Me and the Spugather arrived prompt to take the register, pen poise, f*cking arm was aching like b*ggery when Tina and Beth polled in at 10 past the 9......Excuse?
Oh we've been looking though old photos and reminiscing...........what the f*ck!
New friends...apply within.

Went to the usual haunts, some chav asked me for my phone number in the Turnstiles, shaved head, tracky top, big gold loop earring...lucky me, told him i'd go one better and immediately phoned the registry office to see if they had a cancellation.

Hung around the usual benders in the Station, Tracy (i fight men) was yacking her guts up in the toilets, so she could fit some more pints of lager and black down.

They the 4 of us trailed to the Marlborough light bar up the stairs, no Graham Jackson about, i did some tutting and had a scout round for any other fairly decent looking boys, being in Cleck there was none........oh Tunner was in with his sister was going to kick him on Sarah's behalf but never got round to it.

Ruth was at the bar trying to start a fight with all the bar staff saying they'd short changed her, i was going to get involved being the dutiful sister but i just walked off.

Tina and Beth probably went to outbacks as usual, me and Spug had curry.........quite dull, but only spent £25..which is good.

Saturday flew round like a loon, went to pet shop to get black sunflower seeds, squirrel nuts and wild bird seed mix, shot back to car in balaclava and rain coat, in case anyone had seen me.

Packed then picked MJW up and 5.10pm, was 10 mins late as had to call for a fish butty on the way..........WHAT?

Drove to Manchester which took 1/2hr then another 1/2 hr to get through all the traffic on Deansgate, got there parked up, didn't have enough £1 coins for the meter, got to Matts flat, met the lovely Alan of Revel, got some more £1 coins MJ ran back to car, where some nice man gave him his ticket......saving us £9....hooray. Well Mj as he's promised to pay as i was driving!

We all got ready, whilst drinking pink champagne and listening to Matt oohing and aahing, no he wasn't getting a bj he was opening his pressies. We had a topical debate on whether the Bero book was in actual fact the best cook book in the world, as if you need ask?

Then across the road to Matts local which is as near as most peoples kitchen.
Had two pints in there chatting and laughing, the we walked around the corner to Canal street,walked a fair way past all the Chinese men selling silly light up things and buckets of roses, then we found a bar Matt liked, went in and found the loo which was hidden across the dancefloor downstairs past loads of scarey looking ladies who looked like they wanted to do rude things to me with rubber toys......probably!!!

Found a seat, which was lucky and sat down to talk about bj's, rimming, positions and other nice topics. Had 2 more pints then wandered a way to another bar, MJ was on his way and found it appropriate to shriek "as if you would, could you be bothered?, they don't even look nice" .
To the 2 six foot, trannies who were drinking rum and pep minding their own business, near the bar area.

Had a couple more drinks in there, i was feeling decidedly merry and Alan and i danced then discussed marriage.....as you do when you've just met. And you both like men!!!!!!!!!

We sang Happy Birthday as the clock struck midnight, some more drinks later........i don't know what happened but the next thing i was eating onion bajis out of a polystyrene tray with a plastic fork and Matt was shouting "oh look there is the D'J who's boyfriend i got off with when i 1st moved here". Twighlight zone........... They all wanted to go clubbing, for a bit of you know what, being old, i wanted to go back to the flat...........so staggered off, chuntering "i hope i know the way, what if i lose the only set of keys and we're all locked out for the night"........
Needn't have worried, got back, got into the flat using the imobaliser thing..........got the airbed out fell asleep for approx 8 1/2 mins, when the buzzer and my phone started ringing together, didn't know where the heck i was, opened the flat door and looked out, then realised i needed to open the main entrance, didn't have a clue what to do, then had a flashback to an Eastenders scene and pressed a buzzer...clever me!!!..........

In the 3 of them polled, clutching bags and bags of Mcdonalds, they promptly flopped down and scoffed the lot, not offering me 1 chip, not 1!!!

Slept on and off for 4 or 5 hours, Alan on the sofa, me on the airbed and the Matts in the double.
Then 9.00am Birthday boy got up, then his mother phoned, so i blearily opened my eyes and went to wash off last nights make-up to prove the rumour that i do actually look like a new born hamster without my slap on!!!
Had bacon butties and two coffees, there was a 2nd round of sausage butties but i didn't partake.

We left for home, at 11.30 (leaving Matt to his birthday activities he had planned 1. a bath and 2. a w*nk)....were back in Clecksville at 25 mins past midday......fell in to bed, 5 hours is not enough sleep for me, had already told a big fat lie to Kay about not being back in time to go swimming, so the plan was have an hours nap and go about my usual Sunday business.......... Unfortunately awoke at 1/4 to 5!!!!

Oh great, now i won't sleep tonight........phoned Spug in a panic, thought we'd nip into town for a few drinks (yes i know i'm not allowed to drink in the week, but i had no other option than turning up to work Mon. looking like a zombie).........Got to Spoons, had a couple opf lagertops, then Dean and Rach arrived......ended up in the Turnsiles, Simon P.A was blaring out his 80's cheese.........had a few cidre ala blackcurrant, then went for pizza, home to bed.. Sorted!!!


Unfortunately NOT sorted, awoke in the middle of the night with the most excruciating stomach ache, was not a well bunny, phoned Leakage at 9.00am and took the day off!!!
Took today off aswell for good measure (will never go to heaven) .........

But i once read somewhere that unneeded sick days were "a holiday for the soul".......i kind of like that, so i have forgiven myself.........and done jobs i would otherwise be rushing around to fit them in.

You know, dying your roots, blogging in the library for a good 2 hours, as taking 2 days off work THEN skivving all day tomorrow is really taking the Michael.
Have also nipped into town to buy a Metcalfs pork pie, some superglue and some garden peas.

Have come back with allsorts of c*ap i didn't need, blank video/audio tapes, fake tan, pears soap, fresh cream strawberry tarts, special poulty flakes for the cats........100 fags, blimey i'm rubbish!!!!

Anyhow i'll stop droning on, one last thing, the people who have not accepted their invitation to blog.......i know who you are, you can not hide!!!

Oh Dear!

What a complete drunken mess I have been this weekend! I've been single for a total of 7 days and in that 7 days I have had a drink every night! Wahoo!

Friday was a disaster - I started the night off ok, or so I thought. But then again when you've had 6 pints of lager before going out your judgement isn't quite as accurate unfortunately. Neither is your judgement of good-looking men.

I found this out by trying it on with the ever so good-looking Tommo - what was I thinking?!?! Especially when he said he only regarded me as I friend but after filling myself up with lager and alcopops I was adament he was going to be mine!

Thinking back I actually want to be physically sick but luckily I can blame it on the booze - deep joy!

This is not where my drunken antics ended - I decided that young boys were more my type so started coming on to Zoe's little brother's friends - all 17 by the way! No harm done apart from the fact that when they rejected me I found myself and Zoe calling them all gay!

How dare the children refuse my good looks and charming wit! Oh dear - world swallow me up! I was informed last night that I kept dragging one young boy away from his friends - I think he thought I was going to eat him as he was rather pale for the duration of the night!

Anyways - that was Friday night. Saturday was quiet - met Spug and Miss 'He's my man' down at the rugby club then wandered into town. I then spent the rest of the night being entertained by Spug fighting with Andy Robinson and Katy & Grant swopping saliva!

Not suprising that I made a quick exit to go rest my feet - I'm not used to dancing, haven't partaken in such exercise for 2 years! But not only that Mr.Robson decided to put a downer on my night by acting a complete T*at!

Oh well - what will be will be. I do miss him you know, or at least the company.
Maybe one day we'll get back together and maybe not - we're going to see how things go for the time being!

So that was my first post - hope it was up to the standard of my sister as she's become quite the professional at this! xx

I'm so thirsty

What the f*ck is happening to me?...........i've aged about 30 odd years in the space of 2 weeks.

So 1st of all doctors orders to cut down on the old amber nectar/mothers ruin........

Then 2nd i've not been laid in '05....what the f*ck is that all about?

Basically i've never gone 5 days without in drink of some alcoholic form or other, in the last 10 years......no joke.

Yeah i'm feeling healthy, full of energy, alert and all that b*llocks, but i'm sooo Bored!!!!!!!!!!

There's an old saying "early to rise, early to bed makes a person healthy, but socially Dead".......they are not f*cking kidding.

As a reward i'm going to hit the bright lights of Clecksville tonight and get absolutely w*nkered!!!

As for the drought in horizontal jogging, i'm $hit....... i daren't sleep with people i don't know, so until Jacko comes home on leave or AP returns from that far away land, there is f*ck all i can do about and i certainly aint gonna get laid down canal street tomorrow night with the gayers!

Unless we go to Vanilla and i let some big butch Lessie fist f*ck me.........but i aint that desperate......See Ya!

What's wrong with you good people?

So i sent 9 blogger invites to mates and i've had one acceptance, that was Ruth who managed to delete the 1st invite thinking it was junkmail. Still she's on now and is mad keen on telling crap stories about lifes ups and downs and the antics she gets up to.

Dull week so far, Mon, Tues, Weds could have all been the same day.........Groundhog....
Work, then home..no boozing!!! so tea, t.v and bed (2 nights this week i've gone to bed at 9.30pm just to get warm and stayed up there watching the $hite reception on the portable).........maybe i need to get Jacko round to fix it again... and he could give me a service while he's at it!!!


OOh er missus!
There's food for thought......

Hope Tina and Beth are out tomorrow night, otherwise it'll only be me and Spuggy, the last time that happened we ended up latching onto Tracy and Danny and got in right state.......well it won't be the 1st time!

Hi Everyone

So i have created a new blog......
This one is for friends and family only and please don't forward the link onto people without asking.

So Clecksville activities can be read here in future and not the old place.
I will be sending out invites (when i've worked out how to do that). To people who might want to write $hite themselves).

Today Wednesday (that'll be the hump of the week as MJ calls it) only 2 days to weekend, Matt's 30th birthday do on Saturday night.....blimey a trip over the pennines and a night out with the gayers!!! eek.

Other than that Friday will be the usual....i suppose, can't come quick enough ! oh Yeah!!!

Right gonna publish this post and send out some invites, then i suppose i should forward this link to people i like!!!