The work place

Spug and i may have more in common than we realise.
Spug works with people with learning disabilities, i just work with general LUNATICS!
Everyone here is one step away from care in the community, which doesn't say a lot for me.
Residents in the "home" this morning.
David, wearing a mad ski jumper, think Mark Darcey's mum knitted it. to complete the attire he's got a cream duffle coat and beige chords on, he's asleep looking like a fucking polar bear. He asked me this morning to find him a bird who takes it up the arse with a Californian? and he'll give me 10% commission?
Leigh's dancing with his hood up.
Paul was on the beer last night watching the footie and looks rough as a badgers arse, has already demolished 2 bacon butties and a pint of fresh orange.
Huggy has 2nd degree burns on his face and back coz he went in the tanning rooms for 12 minutes (1st time he's ever been on). Doh
Gary..aka Zulu Warrior, only turns up at lunchtime, looks like Leo Sayer and is the kinkiest fucker on the planet (MJ's met him and his scarey bird).
Clive, constantly fiddling with himself!! wears a long mac and would look at home in a seedy peep show in Amsterdam.

So it's lunchtime and what are we doing?
Eating Pizza hut take out, drinking Rioja and stella, watching porn.

I'm at work damn it, WORK!

Ignoramus

Will the people who have been invited to Pino's restaurante on Saturday evening and not let me know if they are attending or not.
ANSWER THE FUCKING EMAIL YOU TWATS!

I need to book a table and would like to know numbers.
JEEZ it's not hard.....

I think we're alone now

We're running just as fast as we can,
Holding on to one another's hands
Trying to get away into the night
And then you put your arms around me
And we tumble to the ground and then you say ...

What an old lush

Phoned Katy last night, so she could fill in the blanks of Saturdays nights events................ended up screaming with laughing, what a twat!
I will never laugh at Katy for being drunk on boxing day again.

By all accounts, Grant had shouted Andy and me back from 1/2 way up the cricket field as the taxi was coming to the bottom carpark, then Martin Evans got in our taxi, while i complained how fucking freezing it was. When we finally got a cab, Andy asked the driver if he had any heating in here mate?
Got to mine, i took drinks orders and laughed in Andys face when he piped up he'd like some "wine".

A while later, i tossed the phone casually back in it's holster and tutted "Matthew Stephenson bothering me"........even though i'd phoned him.
Andy was shutting his eyes then declared he was off to bed, at 3am.........i followed him up, Katy went to the loo and heard us (the shame), then get this, i went back downstairs in my satin robe and just started chatting really casually.
Grant said he'd never seen me so pissed!!!!!!
Dear oh dear.....

No other Monday news, other than i got 70% in Matts alcoholic quiz and i'm marrying Richard.
Mike came to fix the heating upstairs last night and stayed an hour drinking tea, smoking fags and chatting about cats.
Helen phoned for well over an hour and is dead home sick and missing Gilly, i managed to cheer her up by telling her about Sarah stripping naked in the porch, we also laughed that Tracey Whitworth from school has now changed her name to Honey Davies.....silly cow!!
Nowt else, had some stew...watched Easties, then Matt txt to say he was down canal street and they were playing Tiffany, i was dead jealous as i wanted to be out partying, but am not allowed on a school night.

That's quite a lot on Monday news come to think of it!

This was blogged approx 5 months ago

How i've grown as a person, matured while he's been away!! Oh i am SO over him.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

He's gone
No more kisses, cuddles, sexBut on the upside
1.I don't have to shave my legs for 1/2 a year.
2.No waxing my bikini line (if i don't want).
3.No need to go to the regal EVERY Fri. and Sat.
4.I can go new places and meet NEW young boys.
5.No more crying when he's "wi lads, you know how it is".
6.Think of the money i'll save not having to go out both weekend nights.
7.His mate won't be using my spare room any more.
8.Dean'll save a fortune not having to buy me a pint every time i cry.

More to the point, the next man i get involved with.
1.Will be able to string more than 2 sentences together whilst sober.
2.Will know what the word commitment means.
3.Ideally will not live with his parents.
4.Won't pick my cat up like a handbag.
5. Will not think turning up on my doorstep pissed is a romantic gesture.

So if anyone knows any eligible young men who can tackle/tame a party girl. You all have my email address.

A big knob would be a bonus!

Where the fuck did the weekend go?

Monday again and i want to cry, had some wine last night, feel rubbish today and David's making me do work, get the kettle on Kazza, will you have a quick vac round? label these samples up for me, book me in the Hilton tonight, pay this visa............FUCK OFF, I FEEL RUBBISH!!!

Weekend?? Friday kicked off at the usual time, called for Tina arena and Beth and that bird with howge tits, spoons and joined by Tracy, Dean, Rach and Steven. Had 3 pints of lagertops, everyone seemed to want to talk about how smashed i was the previous Friday, then Tina thought she'd put a vodka in my lager to get me in the same state, it tasted awful.
Unfortunately the plan backfired as after 1 pint in the Turnstiles i realised i couldn't see and had to go on coke.

Just going to Marks and Spencers i'll be back shortly!

I'm back, don't know why David sends me to M&S, i always buy loads of treats for me out of petty cash, ha ha ha serve him right the nobba!

Where was i? oh yeah, turnstiles, blind with drink, jamz turned up and tutted , he'd txt me but my phone was at home. He thought i was ignoring him, Bless!!!!!
Moved to the rose with the clean carpet and had a shandy, Beth decided my rubbish drinking is all Dr. greenwoods fault..........here here!

Station, Mick Porritt and boyfriend Matt had a rather strange friend with them, severe auburn hair and chiseled cheekbones, me and Tina sang karaoke 1st cut is the deepest, well Tina sang, i just chanted Tranny!! at every given opportunity,

Hayley and Spug turned up, they'd been to ladies night/ works do, but couldn't resist the calling of the regal.
That's it, night over..........memory gone, the only other thing i can remember is Rasta d.j bashing me on the head with the mic still switched on.

Seemingly we went for curry, i can't fucking remember and Spug was spreading the rumour that i was snogging Richard with the nose that could hook peaches and plays for the 4th team, but i never, i was talking to him inside the hood on his parka, not snogging..............Tut!

Saturday had to go to tescos.....boo! bag o shite! hate shopping!

Ruth arrived at mine at 6.45pm and Lynne took Kary and us to Spoons, where Hayley drove down to meet us. 3 pints of lagertops for dutch courage and i dared to go to the 70's disco and face you know who.
Spug was chomping at the bit when we arrived.
AP was at the bar "wi lads, you know how it is" looking v.tanned but mostly fucking scary in Shak's dad's suit, a bad wig and sunglasses. We had a pint, then Ruth, Hayley, Katy, Spug and me went into the main room for the disco, it was fucking freezing and hardly anyone was in there.....rubbish!
2 pints later and AP was approaching, though i was going to be sick and wee at the same time. Turned out it wasn't Andy Porritt at all, it was someone impersonating him, apologising for the way he's treat me and saying really nice romantic, lovely things, being really tactile and quite witty, couldn't quite belive what was happening, until the words "HOORAY, LETS GET MARRIED" spewed out of my mouth, Karen you twat.
Settled for a snog, bless him, my little baby's home. Don't remember anything about the rest of the evening, there was lots of running through long grass wearing a flowery frock, thatched cottages with roses round the door and little fluffy kittens.

That was it he was stuck to me like glue, realised it was actually AP after all, when he kneed me up the arse on the dancefloor as a romantic gesture.
Oh yeah and the shoulder was going as well.
7 more pints and Andy, Katy, Grant and me got a taxi to mine for more beer, we phoned Matt to say i loved him, he was in a curry house in Manchester, Andy had a word. "alright maff, yeah it was good yeah, i'll put Karen back on"...bless!

Katy wanted chocolate to get her blood sugar back up, listened to music then me and Andy went to bed and just left the guests downstairs, how polite am i?
Oh i was ill yesterday and still drunk when i got up, realised this much, when i'd been talking to Andy's wig for 5 minutes thinking it was Meg.
Cleaned up the debris and struggled to be alive all day, made a stew (with peas) did some light chores and spent all day on the phone.

Tina txt.(didn't phone her as she was on someone elses phone).
Sam txt so i phoned her back.
Matt phoned for 1 hour.
Spug txt then phoned for 10 mins.
Kay phoned for 1 hour.
Phoned Ruth for 1/2 hr
Phoned Sarah for 1 hr.

Topic of conversation? ANDY PORRAIT!!!
Had some wine and didn't go to bed till, 2 am and like i said, i feel rubbish.

Sarah's just showing off!

Punting up and down the river?
Strawberries? Cocktails? Hot chocolate and tartan blankets?

I too have confused my life with that of someone who mixes in the right social circles, probably went to Eaton and says jolly hockey sticks and what what what a lot!
Twat!!!!!!!!

MY WEEK so far,
Monday....10 mins late for work...did bare minimum as usual, endless errands though,Left at 4.30 to go to Nicholas for bits waxing (Nichola is a very nice girl, a bit full of herself and smug about her successful business and properties abroad) i let her rant on,secretly smiling, knowing full well what she shit the bed while shagging Robert Wider at school.
Called at Marlos, to salvage a bit of cake before the beer monster had demolished the lot, then denied all knowledge the next day, like the lasagne saga over the festive period.

Got home to mounds of valentines cards............erm NOT!
Ate warmed up pizza from Sun.evening did a bit of dancing with Meg on her hind legs and bed at 12.30pm.

Tuesday....10 mins EARLY for work, more errands, chores, eating and farting about,ya di ya.
Did all my ironing early evening, vacced the living room and downstairs, Ate a minted lamb steak, jacket potato, some carrots and 30 sprouts (i kid you not). Favorite t.v on a Tuesday, so flattened the sofa until 1.00am.

Wednesday...25 mins late for work, "i thank-you" that's me taking a bow.
spent all day pandering to the wining Jews every needs. More chores, lunch runs, personal shopping, banking.........blah blah blah!
Spent all afternoon clearing spoilt brat boss's sons debts and overdrafts.
Went to Kays for tea, Kay is a sweetheart and has a heart of gold, but she is quite possibly the worst cook in the world, after Lynne.
Arrived to the smell of burning coming from the kitchen area, 1/2 later she served up chilli and rice, which lets be honest was actually mince and beans, it had never seen chilli powder.
Chatted for 3 hrs....mostly about the events of the pending weekend.
Arrived home going up to the 9, cats were going spare. Taped life begins, Steven came at 10pm on his way home from his date.....oooh!!!
we had a pint of tea and coffee respectively and gossiped, he pretended to like Meg and went home wheezing like a 90yr old on a nebuliser due to his allergy....Oh heck! watched the last 20 mins of Desperate housewives, Gutted! and that mad celebrity detox thing. Bed midnight.

Today am a right ratty fucker, arrived to work 5 mins late, powercut, sat in cold and dark for an hour tutting, went to Mcdonalds for 3 of us breakfasts, went for a drive at lunch, emailed Matt, Sarah and Sam! am now blogging and other than that, haven't struck a bat.

Have the mammoth task of pampering tonight to make myself look beautiful, fake tanning, doing roots, shaving legs (flymo out of the shed then?) also have some lovely spots caused by waxing, so now look like some bocker glue sniffer from Brooklyn flats.
DEEP JOY!

I did blog in the end

's on t'other blog.

days out

i need a boyfriend!! went to cambridge yestarday and spent a leisurly day with friend been punted up and down the river, having various cocktails in river side cafes followed by hot chocolate to warm the cockles when it got too cold. we shared a tartan blanket ate strawberry's and giggled like 9 year olds.

what then do ya do when there is no boyfriend in sight to round off a perfect day. we went to the pub and got completely shit faced!!
i have a hangover from hell! beer is evil!

Shame

I am not blogging my weekend as I am rather ashamed of my conduct on Friday night. I am supposed to be a senior manager in a well respected university in the North-West but I was an absolute drunk and outdid myself in drunken lecherousness and wanton desire.

It always seems a good idea at the time and then the next day you look at the holes in the carpet, the half cooked fish fingers in the microwave and the place where you left a fiver the night before and realise how evil alcohol can be.

Tame Weekend

I had a fairy tame weekend compared to Sarah and Karen. Bah Humbug! Suppose thats what you get when you're practically married!

Friday night I went out straight from work with Gary (who I kept calling Craig) and Rach from work. I'd already had 2 pints of Carling with lime at dinnertime with Hollie - I like to prove that I can drink more than the girls at work! So I had a couple more pints with them then shared their taxi on to the Swan.

4 more pints in there with Mark, Keiron and Liam then off to the Flush (God knows why as its worse than any pub in Cleckheaton!). Beer was ok though and cheap at £1.60 a pint! 2 in there then to the New Inn.

Mark, Keiron and Liam all went for McDonalds - I placed my order with Mark and went into the New Inn with Jimmy for another pint while I waited. Felt a little bit tipsy and the cold McDonalds wasn't helping. So me and Mark made our excuses and set off home.

As we were passing the Rose and Crown we noticed that it was open and would be rude not to see what had changed! Erm.............. Feck All! Bumped into sis, Sarah, Spug, Hayley, Tina and Beth in there - our Karen was mainly showing her stomach off to everyone as her top kept riding up.

Had a quick pint then decided it was definately hometime - 12 pints in one day does that to you! So off we went to my house for toasted muffins and slumber!

Saturday gave father his birthday presents - think he thought I'd spent a fortune but he obviously doesn't know me well enough! Then went into town with my beloved to buy each other a Valentines Day card - from the same shop for the same price! It's like we're married already!

Then Saturday night went to the Dogs for father's birthday - won't bother blogging any of that as Karen has already filled you in. Although she did mention that she was lumbered on the boring table - we were on that table cheeky mare!
No matter what table you sit at you may as well not exist when Steven's around anyway so what did it matter!

Sunday went for a meal with Mark, Zoe and Alan to the Armitage Arms - spent most of the time making paper aeroplanes from our receipts and complaining to the waiter (or was that just me? Possibly!)

Went into town after for a few pints then made excuses to Zoe and Alan that we were tired and went to Spoons where sister, Spuggy and expecting parents were all sat watching Rachel (or 'flump?') devoured nachos.

Then home to bed - most boring weekend yet! Don't think I'll bother blogging next weekend as I'm staying in (no pennies!) Bah humbug!

C ya!

P.s. Why hasn't Hayley and Spug blogged yet!? You both have news so get it on here!

its madness!

where did my weekend go? i remeber been woken up by a 4 year old at 6.30 am on friday morning and i went to work yestarday but the days in between now appear to be a complete mystery..

well, besides a couple off flashbacks that i'm in deniel of most of them. things however i do know for certain though are:

managed to aviod getting in to a round with horner for first 2 pubs, then disaster stuck horner was at the bar taking requests. i was sucked in and the mess began!!
don't remember much else till i was climbing the stair to the most exclusive wine bar in cleckvilles.
as soon as we were in i announced i not drinking anymore and was v. proud of myself i would just maintain this happy drunkness for a couple of hours, have a curry and live happy ever after!

walked striaght in to the pea grower, 10 min chat then vodka was required to stop my little heart pounding. then went to find the saftey of my friends, what is about my friends? not satified getting me complete wankered cupid (aka horner) decided she'd get me laid. so of she went to put a good word in for me.

anyway after karen had trust 3 more bottles of smirnoff ice in my hand insisting they were from a loved one and i could no longer stand up i agreeed to go home with rich.

i know its not just me that does really stupid thing in front of people they really like and it is this fact that is stopping me from being suicidal, anyway poor rich he didn't understand the horner effect! i spent 20 mins decorating the bathroom as soon as we got in, he spent a futher 20 mins cleaning up my bright red puke as i slept, i then redecorated it again instisting it looked better blackcurrent colour (what a twat ) rich obvious got fed up of this game and offered me his bedroom bin which is about the sme size as a tea cup!!!

anyway woke up in a v. nice position at about 4.30am feeling on top of the world!

however still managed to sleep alday sat till 6pm then went to aq murder mystery party wi all family great fun champagn and wine hooray even janet was tipsy!!

spent all day sunday on train went via mars to get back but well worth the trip to clecksville to see its smiley happy residents.

Sarah got me wellied

I don't know whether i just get really giddy when certain people are in town, or maybe it's the adrenalin that mixes with the usual consumed alcohol, that tips me over the edge and makes me a bit wappy.

But one thing i do know, the following are not ideal situations to find yourself in, aged 35 on a Friday evening.

Necking shots of clear liquid, without asking what it is, then smacking your lips and saying that's nice, i could drink a pint of that.

Taking your pants down to show your friends your bargain £2 red thong, whether they wanted to see it or not.

Singing karaoke Les Dawson stylee at the top of my voice, to amuse myself and friends, but not the lady who tutted loudly and said "well she murdered that".

Bellowing down the mic to a bird who's hair i thought was a tad too short "OY are you a lesbian?" she turned on me and said why do you fancy me? i just fluttered my eyelashes.

Rasta D.J who is madly in love with me, for this i am certain, why else would he trust me to watch his decks while he went to pee, unfortunately for him, at this point i was not to be trusted with a fisher price wind up radio, let alone the entire music system for the regal club.
The voices in my head were saying "now's your big chance, make it count" while i pushed every button in sight and managed to fix the mic, to say "big it up Cleckheaton". Meanwhile Rasta D.J was belting back through the crowds still shaking his snake, red with anger. OH HECK!

What else? erm, stumbling, tits out, slurring, staggering, eating my curry with face pressed flat to table. Dr. Greenwood would be so proud.

Saturday i felt rubbish...had to collect brothers 1 and 3 from Gomersal cricket club, walked in and they were nowhere in sight, fortunately they had told the barmaid, that if anyone came in looking a cross between, Pat Butcher without earrings and Jimmy Kranky to tell her they were in the snooker room.....Phew! Had a swift pint then assembled with the rest of siblings/partners and parents at Park View, lit the candles on the cake, Sang happy birthday to Jim, gave him his pressies blah di blah!!!

Minibus collected us at 6pm, got to the racetrack at 7ish....Steven and Jan Star were on the popular table. I got lumbered with the likes of Mary and Graham , still it was a very pleasant evening, i managed to eat all 4 courses, lost a fortune betting on the wrong dogs, helped along by the fact i'd thrown a winning betting slip in the rubbish. ONLY ME! Marlo took this as a perfect opportunity to tell everyone about the time i threw away my plane ticket in Turkey.

Steven spent the entire evening ripping the piss out of me, he showed no mercy, told all the extended family that i'd got a part time job as an indoor hang gliding instructor, told elder brother to save his strength for the way back as they were going to wedge me in the parcel shelf on the mini bus, while me and sister were discussing Desperate housewives, he piped up "oh i watch the other side, desperate cat owners".

Self esteem at an all time low, i managed to keep my pecker up as we sang 60's hits all the way back, Jim started blubbering when we got to the gang shows "together". Well he is 80, according to the card and badge Steven bought for him.

Home for mignight, by home i meant the Regal, me and Steven had a boogie with Spuggy, Tina, Beth, Tracy, tango Danny, Katy and her man.
Rasta D.J beckoned me over, though i was for it, RESULT, he actually let me back in the box and showed me exactly what buttons to touch, called me his apprentice and told me to go in early next Friday so we can go through it all again???????

Matt Womersley was making amourous advances towards me, blew him out completely, i aint playing sloppy seconds, thank you very much.

Dragged brother in law no. 2 over to dance as he was sat on his ownio! Phoned Sarah who was at home, recovering from Yakking in Mr. Townends living room, pre-sex the night before.

Walked to taxi rank, dropped Danny off, he was off to spend £15 on take-out, then dropped Neil further along the road, he was going to sloppies to dine alone, Taxi up dropped Spug home and in my bed for 2.00am. SOBER!!!!!!!!!

Usually Sunday shite, played the dutiful daughter........mid afternoon.
Then had a lengthy chat with Spug how we were both in our P.J'S, too warm to move, skint....etc etc. and there was no need to go to the pub..........1/2 hr later in Spoons nursing our pints, talking about allsorts with Rach, Dean, Ruth and Mark........ we declined the invite from Danny and Jamz to join them in Bradford for "a mad night out, off the cuff, random, fly by the seat of your pants kind of evening"...........Think i've had enough excitement for one weekend.

Pizza and mini bus up home, slumber for midnight........

Feel fab this morning have got my film developed from the Dogs, etc....
MJW looks w*nkered at Matt's 30th, Matt and Alan slightly better, random family shots, i look divine on all of them and most importantly Mr.Jackson looks good enough to eat.

Late for work again

Boss stuck in traffic, so by the time he arrived i was sat at my desk looking smug, like i'd been here for hours. Ha ha!
God i felt like i'd died in my sleep, could not get up this morning, Meg was the same..too cold i reckon.

So it's Friday.........woo hoo!! Had a txt from Elsworth at 8am to say she's home tonight, i like to txt my friends at 4am personally.

It'll be messy tonight, i presume.

I wonder if Spug will be attending, she might be fecked after her 1st week at work.

Tina and Beth are out, they both stayed in last Friday and said they felt like killing theirselves. What is it about the infamous nights out in Cleck that make it so addictive?

Tell you something, i'm ready for it after my wild week, Weds Sam phoned which was nice, nattered for well over an hour, then last night called at Marlos, then baked Jim the biggest fattest chocolate cake (while watching the brit awards through the hatch) for his birthday on Sat. it looks more like a 6 yrs old cake than a 60th......oh well!

Good news though, have manage to get my BP down, Dr. Greenwood said it was considerably better, still high though, not out of the woods yet...have to go for an ECG, not f*cking happy at all, you have to get your tits out and we all know i only do that in sloppy joes after 11 pints.

Am thinking of joining the Gym....f*ck off i can hear you laughing.

Seemingly smoking like a chimney, drinking like a fish, eating what the f*ck you like and doing minimum exercise (dancing and $hagging) however funny i might think i am, have now learnt these things aren't actually very good for you............oh dear.

On a lighter note, only 4 days till the mute reappears. Gone off GJ after the txt message thing. Tw*t!!!!

I'll still $hag him if he's out tonight though..needs must!

Better go need to go to the white rose for pepto bismal, PS2 Fifa 2005 and Thorntons chocolates, don't ask!

I just blogged my version of Sunday

http://seeyouinhell.blogspot.com/

I have the will power of a turd...

Went to Jakes for half price steaks with the wife and Melissa. Got shit faced, feel crap, same old shit different feking Tuesday!!

Hurrah!!

ps Had a nose on my blog profile. Said I am a 25 year old Saggitarian, I am a 26 year old Capricorn. I don't get it...

Midweek update

So Emma went to Jakes for steaks and got leathered!
Matt was down Canal Street in Churchills at the Karaoke drinking stella.

Do you know what i was doing with my Tuesday evening?

Tidying out the f*cking freezer , bleaching the insides of my cupboards and making sure that all the labels on the tins faced the front.
What's going on? There's got to be more to life than this............
Still i spent no £'s, have no hangover, am bright eyed and bushy tailed.....god it's BORING though!

Monday night was even better, hangover kicked in at T.time so took myself off to bed at 9pm! Yep 9PM!!!!!!!

Who knows what tonight will bring, i can barely contain myself!

Roll on weekend!!

Poor Emma...

I'm toying with the idea of half price steak night again and really want to go but I know I will be a gibbering wreck again tomorrow cos I will get super wasted and will wake up pissed cos I can't say no. I have meeting tomorrow.

All my mates are going too...

Poor David

Him and his wife have split again.
You see everyone has their problems, he's a millionaire but today he is the saddest man on the planet.

And she's taken 2 dogs with her and given one away to the cleaner, as David is in the office all day and can't look after them.

You can't split them up, that's evil.

Oh heck, that's made me moggy now.

He muttered this morning, i might give you the business Kazza then top myself.
There's me getting upset about AP/GJ, running out of milk and other tripe.
Kind of puts things into perspective doesn't it?

Pickled Liver

I have been top boozer this weekend! I give myself a pat on the back but I'm suffering today - not with hangover but a nice Marlo style barking cough and a sore throat. Think it has a lot to do with the 100+ Lambert and Butler Gold I've smoked! Oh dear!

Friday night began with my new girly haircut and waxed eyebrows. Nicola thought she'd pulled my whole eyebrow off at one point there was that much hair on the strip - classy bird!

I decided that 8.30 was too late to go out with the lasses from college so ventured accross the road at 3.30 to the malt shovel and began my speedy decent to drunken hell (i like it there - people are good looking and like fighting)!

Was joined in the Malt Shovel be my 2 good friends Zoe and Alan which made me want to stay out for the night and not have to go home and change my clothes, eat something, etc! Anyway 6 pints later I strolled (or wobbled) to the chip shop to squash my hunger and line my stomach for more beer.

Got home, quick wash, changed and slapped some make-up on then a taxi to The Bull's Head in Gomersal. Had to ask 5 people during the day if they knew where it was but found it eventually.

Lasses from college arrived drinking glasses of wine and bacardi & cokes. I stuck to pints of lager - didn't want to mix my drinks just yet. After my pint Gillian kindly bought me a bottle of bacardi breezer lime (Spug and Rachel love them!) and off to Batley we went.

Ventured into a new pub where they had lovely toilets (must be new for Batley) then to Legends, Boulevard and mucky X. Devoured test tube shots and bottles of Smirnoff Ice until I lost all the girls and decided to get a taxi home - Bargain at £16! Picked Mark up from his brothers house with the intention of taking him home for sex.

Didn't happen - climbed into bed naked telling him I was really horny whilst he took my make-up off as I was too pissed to do it. Then when he got into bed I was snoring away merrily - sorry baby!

Saturday felt a little rough but battled through the day with a little help from Ronald McDonald and some shopping for things I don't need and can't afford - oh well! Then it was Saturday night all of a sudden.

Went to the Pack Horse with Zoe and Alan where we were joined by Tracey and Coop, Tommo and Pete the Feet. Had a competition about who could growl like a rugby player and look hard - I won even with my new girly hair and eyebrows.

Ventured into town where we saw Karen and Co in the Turnstiles - apologised to our Karen for scratching her boots that I've borrowed but turns out it wasn't me that did it at all! It was Karen at someones wedding in 1999 - Long lasting boots are the best aren't they Karen! Hee hee!

Up to the Regal for some dancing where Tina told me going on 15 times that I looked gorgeous - got quite worrying after a while, bless her! Laughed at Marks appauling dancing as he was battered from drinking 9 pints of Export - silly man!

Went home for toast and bed - take aways are too expensive after spending nearly £200 in 2 days!

Yesterday cooked a Sunday dinner in Mark's parents new kitchen - it was lovely even if I do say so myself! Roast chicken, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, carrots, peas and Yorkshire pudding! Yummy! (P.S. Don't forget Pancake day tomorrow!)

Met up with the Karen, Spug, Rach, Dean and the wufters in Spoons where I did polish off 2 bottles of wine and could have quite easily drunk another one it tasted that nice!

After singing, laughing and taking the mick out of Karen Horner and Danny Whitehouse (yes Mr.President) everyone went there own seperate ways home.

Although me and Mark did sit on the Market Stalls for a while chatting then reported an unmarked taxi to the police - good deed for the month! Then it was home to bed, or the sofa to sit and watch young Kylie Minogue nearly get her baps out as a teenage delinquent!

Up for work this morning feeling horrible but battling through!

So that was my weekend - you can all wake up now! xx

All is not well

No hangover, but feeling a bit spacey, not enough shut eye I bet!
Sunday nights are always the best night out, but are spoilt by that bluddy work thing the next day.

Marks out of 10 for the weekend nights?

Friday 4/10....Poor!
Poor show only spug, Hayley ,myself out. Hayley was v tanned from her latest trip to India, went to spoons, Jim was in there as Marlo was in Blackpool line dancing, had i shandy and 2 corona, we the called at the Whickham and sampled a pint of San Miguel, this finished I suddenly realised I was $hitfaced,what a sissy, a lightweight, puff, girl, shandydrinker, fairy, someone who can't drink very much.

Stumbled, bleary eyed to the turnstiles, F*cking arch enemy was in there, I was livid. Drank another pint very fast, then followed Mick, Tracy and co. Back to spoons, had a J20.......I know! Then wandered up to the station and she was in there as well, MY pubs!
Departed after a very quick shandy and got to the regal and SAT DOWN for 1/2 her until it busied up. Well random ,people watching, anyhow we boogied a bit, then in she strolled like she had a right.......aahh!!

Red stripe and Hayley wanted to go, i asked if I could have one more 1/2, then we got chatting to Alex Green ex fullback and 1st school friend, he was weaing a cowboy shirt and had big hair, was also absolutely steaming.
Chatted to Andrew Wood also for a while, we laughed about the old days, chatted about Mad Helen and Tracey Whitworth, by this time i was actually starting to enjoy myself, had a quick word with brother in law number 2, then Hayley was chomping at the bit to leave.
So the 3 of us left, we walked 4 yards and Hayley walked home, so we could have stayed after all, WE didn't know she didn't want food..........what's all that about?
So Spug got some chips and i had my usual, we were joined by Russel Noble and Darren Whitworth from school, i was being cheeky and reminded Russel of the time the had diarrhoea in Appletreewick and told Darren he looked scruffy, with his mad curly hair and his tye died shirt. Job done and home.
Saturday 7/10
Ventured to Cleckheaton sports club, wore my baseball cap lined with tin foil, in case of radiation.
Lynne picked me up at 6, me and Katy got to the bar at 10 past. I had shandy Katy couldn't have this because it's full of lemonade, so she drank 5 pints of fosters in 2 hours, now that really is taking it easy!! aah bless her, this is all new to her and she's not sure about her blood sugar and the drink, so safest measure? Get W*nkered!

Hayley clocked off work at 8.00ish we had a quick drink then Hayley went into the toilets to change her undercrackers! Hmm.
Taxi into town, Spoons, lagertops, In walked MJ with work colleagues , he was wearing his lemon xmas top and in the space of 5 minutes, hinted my hair was too short and made out Katy hadn't been ill enough to justify being in hospital. The wonders of the amber nectar.

Round to the Turnstiles, Tina and Beth were hiding in the toilets...........Hooray!!!
We all chatted, drank, chatted some more....great days! Me and Tina talked about the men in our life and compared notes, a girl with ginormous knockers was sat with us, i don't know who she was, but she was showing me pictures of her baby on her phone, perhaps it was like eBay and the child was for sale and i should have submitted a bid! too late now. Spug was chatting to JPorrait about the return of big bro, broke the news to me in the Station, they are on their way back, via South Africa, but are home on the 15th Feb, that a f*cking week tomorrow, ahhhh!!! 8 days!

Had a blubber like a tw*t, but was happy crying or practice crying for when he comes home and starts being a lad, "you know how it is Karen".

Sang Annies song, then it was well late, so we sprinted to Regal.
Very vague, sat with Neil Jackson (brother in law no. 2), who is Luvley,chatted about Graham, he told me not to worry about the fact his barracks were in Newcastle and to thank my lucky stars,and that he couldn't find a girlfriend anywhere........bless him, gave him a quick peck and a sympathetic nod. Self righteous tw*t that i am!

Had a quick chat with brother in law no.1 , said he's missed Andy like mad and he couldn't wait to see him, Aahh how sweet, have i just been $hagging the wrong brothers?

Saw Ruth and Mark, they were drunkenly jigging about, Funny!
Can't think what else happened, me Spug and Hayley had food again and taxi home.

Yesterday, got up and told myself if Kay hadn't txt then i was allowed not to go swimming, i'm so bad! went to tesco's bought loads of fresh fruit and veg and a cream bun.......i know!!bad to the bone.

But Sunday evening 10/10 and that's all that counts!

Matt is a mentalist

Lets go back to Karen's and have more beer.
Lets go to MJ's then, MJ have you go beer? MJ is so sozzled he nods in agreement.
Lets go up to the Station for the lock in.
Aren't we going to sloppy joes.

The lunatic would have partied all night!
Sunday is a school night, need to be in bed before 11pm or i'll never make it to work Monday morning.

Top night though, as always when the Mad man is in town.
Met Spug at 6, called at the Malt.....2 pints for a fiver! not a bargain.
Walked to spoons for cheap booze, It was heaving, there was some right rowdy beggars, singing and carrying on, i tutted like an old spinster,Rach and Dean turned up at 7.40pm, we sat on the tall tables in the recess, then Matt arrived wearing his purple 2 tone number, followed by MJ in his Zara fur coat. When Ruth and Mark arrived we'd run out of stools so made Dirty Danny and Jamz pull up there table and join the throng, just 4 benders then!

Ooh the beer flowed and we were loud! Matt was loudest, of course.
Luckily Danny took the brunt of the pi$$ taking most of the night, till he departed then it was my turn, Jean defended me as best she could, i'm such an easy target! So we chatted $hite, laughed at Danny for JUST realising Rach was expecting, drank and drank and drank. I do remember baby sis polishing 2 bottles of wine off, Matt was hammering the stella and dark rum, i had more lagertops than i'm allowed........last to leave as usual, bar staff hurled the 8 of us out into the night, taxi home James.
Feel decidedly well this morning, although awoke at 6am and stared at the clock for a couple of hours for good measure!!!!!!

Week so far

Yawn.....what can i say.

Monday,no hangover, funnily enough, J20 and a couple of lager tops Sunday night didn't tip me over the edge. Worked all day then, called at David and Donna's with some bigger boy jeans for big brother, stayed a while and chatted in the kitchen, didn't go in the room as they have a vicious parrot called Sam, that can swallow human beings whole.

Tuesday, worked, home, ironed 20 tops in 1 hour, felt like i'd run the London marathon when i'd finished, sat on the sofa and wrapped myself in a silver blanket and had some lucozade, Matt phoned and we talked about stew, bj's and going out next Sunday to get trollied. Had a pizza and in bed early.

Wednesday, worked, well came to work...home, stripped bed, made a lamb dinner, fell off the wagon and had 1 baileys, went to bed smiling like a naughty school girl.

Thursday, worked, David wanted me to deliver some stock to the NEC in Birmingham (told him i'd do it for £30, like he doesn't already pay me), so belted down to Birmingham, found the vermin in Hall 11 handed over the gear, back in the car, stopped at Tamworth services, home for 6pm (which is the time i get in from work anyway) £30 richer, Back o the net!Called at Marlos to see if she had any wheelie bin/meer cat/dollshouse or line dancing related news, chatted to Steven in his messy bedroom (Marlo WISHES he'd tidy it, he said he WISHES for the 3rd world debt to be removed and she can WISH away), Ruth wanted to borrow my boots, literally!! so had to drive home in bare feet.

Got in, god i was f*cked, had home made curry, watched that Julie Walters sad thing from Sunday on video, then Helen phoned for an hour.....so chatted and laughed till way past the 11.(she was trying to convince me that advocado on toast was much nicer than a bag of crisps, i was trying to convince her that having shaven armpits was much nicer than looking like you've got Don King in a head lock).

Woke up this morning thinking it was Thursday, it's really Friday that never happens........wey hey!!

So 3 nights out and 2 lazy days pending..watch this space.

Some of us work!!!!!

Well I do sometimes anyway.
well let me update you on what my week has entailed, last Wednesday I had no reason at all to get up so slept for a full 30 hours again, its what I'm best at though!
so by Thursday afternoon around 1ish I was a tad bored and at risk of getting bed sores, so ventured down the pub with a couple of mates for lunch and a glass of wine. Now the question still remains was the glass half empty or half full? Which ever it was it was also, bottomless. What a mess, woke up in a youth club around ish supping what can only be described as a colorful vodka Mr forsty with the bouncer assisting me to the door. I felt like Barry or Derek the carrier bag man in spoons( never was any good with names) surrounded by 12 year olds staring at me.

never felt so glad to see a taxi, homeward bound then, still had my friend with me so in safe hands I though I have a quick nap. The thing with friends is that no matter how well you think you know and how predictable they seem, they always have the ability to amaze and do something completely random, hence the next time I came round I was I had my head as far down the porcelain I you can possible get but I was not worried as I was convinced I would be safely tucked in my friends house.

oh no she had got the taxi to take us to some random POSH wine bar 8miles away for another drink, with the poor excuse of it was only early. Don't remember anything else till I woke up at 1.30 next day tucked up in bed naked and unable to find any of my clothes. Took us 40 mins to find my clothes they were nicely folded up in a pile behind the front door in the porch my friend guessed she'd asked me to take my shoes off before I came in!

Anyway feeling a bit rough from Friday decided the only solution would be to go and do it all again what else is there to life so pub for lunch 2pm ish and ya can guess the rest but the second nights never quite the same and ended up in Yarmouth which is full refugees so drunk as, but not as happy.

sat, no hangover at all! How does that work?? Pub for lunch courteous of leanne always taste better when someone else pays. Few beer had to be in by 7pm as the loverly Simon was coming round to see Dan. 43 mins spent chatty to Simon and 2 beers is def the high light of my year so far.
Sunday work, 2x beers
monday work, 2xbeers
tuesday, pub lunch, friends leaving do, one off to have a baby other off to oz told them to say hello to you know who. Got a bit tipsy but in bed by 10pm
Wednesday work ,night off beer
Thursday, got conned to work this morning but its so nice leaving when everyone else has to stay. haha. any way plans are to go to curry night in spoons then boogie nites tomorrow at local tac disco which the regal is twined with.
see I am not dead after all.

Sorry Karen

Sorry for saying my life is boring and I have nothing to post but it is unfortunately true!

The only thing that has happened since I last posted is that me and Mark decided to get back together and try again, etc etc! The day after this Mark got a job which he starts on Monday - wahoo!

My weekend - Friday night went out with Zoe and Alan. Started in the Old Pack (full of the locals from the Rose and Crown as it's shut) then headed down into town where we met Pete the Feet.

He was sat with Mark's uncle Jon and auntie Audrey. Jon was flashing off his £1,900 chain that Audrey bought him for Christmas - amazing as they are both claiming benefits after they've blown his lottery win of £275,000! Oh the shame!

Left the Old House with Pete the Feet in tow, ran into a group of lads from Manchester looking for 'The Shovel' - I asked them who they'd killed but no-one laughed. Supposedly there was a pool competition going on - £100 a game! I can think of better things to spend £100 on!

Arrived at the Whickham where Pete the Feet babbled on about how he'd slept with over 200 women and he knew exactly how to please a woman without sleeping with her (not difficult really!) We just slated him and told him that theres more to pleasing a woman that a big d*ck - he was having none of it! Ugly tw*t!

Finished the night off in the Regal bar where I did not interrigate Graham Jackson I just introduced myself - such a drama queen Karen Horner. Mark, Teff, Mikey and Jakesy where all in the Regal along with Karen, Spug, Tina and Beth (sorry if I missed anyones name)

Zoe and Alan left the Regal early as they wanted to check on their 5 month old puppy that eats everything in sight - they'd only left him alone for 6 hours! It's fine!

I left shortly after with Mark, Teff, Mikey and Jakesy. All went for food then back to mine with beer from Sloppys as my feet hurt. Was in bed for 1.30 pm - early to bed early to rise! Not!

Saturday awoke with hongover at 11.30 and went into town for hangover cure. Fish and Chips in Ivanhoes restaurant - yummy! Nothing like a bit of grease to bring you round on a morning.

Saturday night was quite boring - stayed up until the small hours eating junk food and watching DVD's with my beloved then crashed at his house.

Sunday night we met Karen, Spug, Rachel and Dean in Spoons for a few jovial pints then back to Mark's for more beer (as I need to be drunk on a Sunday) then bed.

All in all rather tame and boring - but at least I've blogged so I can't get done! xx

Hell, Emma

I have no idea who you are but your life sounds mental, ace, crazy, great, probably always tired, but fucking brilliant.

You seem to sum up one my about half dozen personal mottoes: Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "What a Ride!"

You crazy lady!

Hells teeth still pissed...

Not good, not good at all.

My head is throbbing and I need sleep big time. And help.

Jakes Bar and Grill every Tuesday without fail for half price steaks. But me being the self destructive nob that I am, it never just is a cheap steak and the bus home.
Mate Kev was up from London. He's a camp, straight, black, dwarfed fashion designer who I love to bits. He is as mental as me and when ever Farida, Kev and myself hook up, we get wasted.

Ate our steak super quick and got stuck in to shed loads of booze and did in all his coke. We did tag team style relays from the toilets in Normans bar every 10 minutes whilst waving at the bouncers.

Got chatted up by big black mate called Gavin who i've known years. He keeps asking me out insisting that tons of girls would kill to be in my position. He was 25 although he insists he looks/acts older. When I politley declined he called me a racist then an ageist then stumbled out the bar. He's actually just feking ugly. He'd been out on the piss for nearly 12 hours and looked like roadkill.

Got a taxi home and stuck into the JD and played the game 'no one can go to bed till all the vodkas gone' made up by me. Kev was sick, Farida passed out and I woke up shitfaced this morning with my shoes on in bed.

Feel so utterley terrible today can't even face getting the bus home, so called Rich (ex) who said he would collect me from work and cook me tea. I may have to shag him in return but today morals don't come into it. Been sick 3 times at work.

Just called Kev and he is stranded at my house as I made him spend his bus fare on booze in the bar. told him to look under the sofa and he found 2 quid! result!

Anyway, got to go and retch...

Contributors

People who are willing to contribute??

What the f*ck?

If you didn't want to contribute the word is NO thanks!!

Don't put your f*cking name up in lights and say NOTHING.

Oh i can't be arsed to write anything, i'm not interesting enough, nothing ever happens to me......sob! sob!

You wine like a mule..you are still alive!

You have exactly 1 weeks to write a post, or your names are coming off!!

AND i don't make empty threats.

Erm ... I am in a quandary

OK right, I am confused because I am caught between a rock and a hard place. As a founder member of Rich's blog I feel duty bound to keep blogging there, but now Karen has set up this one too. What do I do. Do I blog where I always have done, or go with Karen in outrage at the waste of space comment?

Werll after long and hard (ooer) consideration, I have decided that what I'll do is continue to blog on Richard's blog but each time I do blog to mention on this blog that I've blogged on Richard's blog.

This is carefully thought out because I don't want to reveal the identity of this blog to anyone reading Richard's in case they call Karen (and I must say, we have do evidence that it was directed at Karen) a waste of space again: so I can blog there and let you know that I have done whereas I can't do it the other way round.

Anyway to cut a long story short guys, I have blogged so get reading you wastes of spaces!!!

Click here to read the other blog you bummers!