Illness

Like I said yesterday, I felt sick, so off I shuffled back to bed when David said I could go home, had a horrible afternoon, braving the cold and trying to get some shut-eye to no avail!

Slept for an hour, then spoke to Matt on the phone all last night.....
Couldn't sleep last night either, still felt out of sorts, too much drink over the weekend and still no sign of the painters.

Was still looking at the clock at 4.00am this morning, by the time I should have been going to work I was in a deep snooze.....was still feeling dodgy so "txt" in sick, our company is so professional.

Felt better at midday, called at the beauticians and made an appointment, then went to look for a new outfit for the cricket Christmas dinner on Friday night, bought a gold shrug and glittery vest.
Then i couldn't stop, bought a black shrug in M&S, another gray one is Dot p's, 2 more vests and 12 pairs of pants, along with bits of food shopping.....oh heck!

Perhaps i should have gone into work at lunchtime, when i'd perked up a bit.
Then Andy said he'd come round tomorrow if i was poorly today.............no! :o(

Ah fook it, Steven just called to see if i want to go to the flicks tonight, so am happy again (i can see AP tomorrow and have the best of both worlds), so i called on washed my car on the way home, nipped in the library to see if they have any Anna Maxted novels in, (as they are £7 each and i've spent enough today)..............and i have found myself blogging!
How extraordinary!!!!

See you...........you workers!!!!

In brief

I am too busy to blog today but i can't not say anything so here's a bot of something just to keep you going:

Friday: Andrew was a scoundrel. Had a nice evening pubcrawling, bumped into an ex-colleague, got home drunk and cooked and ate a whole bag of frozen onion rings.
Saturday: Andrew wasnn't a scoundrel. Saw Harry Potter.
Sunday: Andrew was lovely. Played on computer, had 2 pints.

That's it. Sorry there's no time to say more.

Party, PRAT and Parkinson

Whitters Party Friday night, was outstanding.
I set off at 7.05pm and arrived at 8.15pm (just as everyone was turning up to the party it seemed), Sam was shrieking "you're in your jeans", she failed to see the full length ball gown draped over my arm!!!

No worries, we tried to zip up the frock to no avail, Sam shouted for re-enforcements, Cassy tugged, then hollered, "you're in"...........ace unfortunately i couldn't fucking breathe!

Still i tottered downstairs, looking like Hattie Jakes going to a ball, tried to mingle, fortunately i knew, Vicky, Mick, Bella, Cassy, Sam, Sarah and Mandy....phew!

It was a top night indeed, good mega mix party music, top grub, everyone looked ace in their finery.......Sam did look the belle of the ball, mostly people congregated around the kitchen area, thank the lord for house extension, as kitchen could easily accommodate,20 folk.

There seemed to be a lack of single men at this party, until..........one of Sam's SPAT friends turned up, Perry.......you'd think George Cloony had turned up to the party, he was loving it, handing out his phone number to Mandy and arranging to meet Ondine at the ice-rink Monday morning.

Until he sped off into the night, what a strange man!!!, the dancing had begun, mainly Sarah, Sam, Cass, Vicky, So girl dressed as a pink lady (don't remember her name), Bella (complete with 2 pots of her wrists), Oh and Mick who was river dancing............i'd taken a comedy 1.5litre bottle of red wine, which i managed to demolish on my tod, along with 1000 peanuts, 1/2 bag of lime Doritos and a ton of spicy Indian nibbles, this coupled with fooking tight frock was a recipe for disaster.

Everyone was mullered........i remember having a lengthy conversation with Sarah about some fat bitch who was a size 14 and teeth whitening, Mandy and Bob were canoodling all over the place,Cassy was doing Romy impressions, Harry the kitten had gone back to bed, i thought I'd just slope off to bed and noone would miss me, got my Rudolf p.j's on and clambered under the huge pile of coats on Sam's bed.

Then i felt it, the tummy rumbling and hot sweat on the top lip.............oh no! It was inevitable, ran to bathroom and chundered for Britain, Sam was called to much astonishment "not 10 pints Karen yakking??".
I like to go to parties and make a complete spectacle of myself in front of lots of strangers, i'm just glad i didn't get my tits out or wee in a bin.

By this time, I'd made it back to bed and started snoring like a foghorn, so she only found Ondine having a wee.


Saturday 9.30am, didn't know where the fuck i was, that's not Ap at the side of me, neither is this red satin affair my quilt cover............oh i'm in bed with Sam.
We chatted like the 2 Ronnie's, played with Harry the kitten, then i got up and made coffee, as did Mandy, Vicky and Mick (who'd also barfed, thank fook!!).

We drank our caffeine, smoked our fags, some had toast and croissants, then we set to cleaning up which took erm! No time at all, i was on my merry way at 11.00am, clutching 2 bottles of wine to replace the 2 i'd thrown up down the sink the previous evening.

Called at the jewellers in Cleck, refused to queue behind 24 people to get a pie from Metcalf's, so home and had some toast and went back to bed for 3 hrs, up had some soup, then got a taxi to the club after having a lengthy conversation with Andy about his attire, met Spug after work, nattered about Blacky, her evening of debauchery on Friday night and the Brazen head.

John P went home, Andy came to sit with us, he was on his 7th pint and was still dressed in his winter woollies after the match,........... doesn't look like we're going anywhere tonight!

We all went to stand round the bar, Hemmy started larking about throwing water and having spoon fights, Gill and Dave turned up but didn't stay long....phew!
Most folk went off to Spoons, for the 1am late licence, oh no not us................Andy's looking at me all sad eyed at 9.30pm and saying "shall we go watch a DVD at yours"............fooking brilliant!

So we're at home, watching I'm a celebrity, he had orange juice and i had 4 glasses of wine, as i'd not drunk enough the previous evening and still had a raging thirst on.
Then, get this we went to bed to watch Parkinson.........the shame, how long have we been wed? 25 years?

Sunday, Ap was awake at 9.30 and very amorous, yes you would be, you've been in bed 11hrs.............i got up and made coffee, then went back up and tried to rouse him again, by jumping on the bed and telling him, it was 3' deep in snow outside, had breakfast, snoozed some more..........
Went to Tescos and got really giddy and bought loads of party food, Xmas nibbles and a £9 Christmas cake.........oops!
Had a bath, once I'd got home, not in Tesco...............got p'j's on, made lamb chops, Jacket spud, sprouts and carrots.
Did 2 wash loads, watched Closer on DVD, what the? headfuck!!!

7pm, went to Marlene's for my weekly visit and stayed 2hrs, in my pyjamas of course.
Home, tried a new carpet cleaner.....watched OFI Sunday (how fit is James Nesbit?), I'm a celeb and Fact Hunt, was grinning thinking oh look it's Al Murry, he was heckling my boyfriend on Friday night..............put the wine bottle down and took myself off to bed, feel sick today, it must've been the sprouts!

In the words of Bobby Brown....Two can play that game!

I'm out on the raz tonight. Can't beat em', join em'. I'll show that bleedin Matthew.

Xmas Shopping

I vowed last year i would fall out with a few people getting near the festive season, 30 people is too many to buy for.

It's a good job i work here!

Anyhow, 27 down 3 to go ,Marlo, Jim and little AP,(he's having a think as to what he wants, he's probably taken the day off today).

Have spent 30 fucking quid on gift bags as i hate wrapping presents, can't actually differentiate wrapping parcels and wallpapering! oh well.

Been to M&S and got a last few bits, so everyone has a stocking full.

Very little news to report, washed out last night, ligged on sofa and was pandered to be Mr.Porrait, who hasn't grown a beard he's just lazy.
Had pasta, mince pies and grapefruit juice, watched DVD, Lost and bed.

Good day today, 9 hrs solid sleep.
Been to Barnsley this A.M, (huge crash near New Miller Dam).

Got back and these fuckers had got take-out pizza.... Had my tongue and tomato sandwich
then shopping galore......be glad when it's over!!

Arsed around all afternoon, after i'd timed David doing Sudoko, he promptly fell asleep so i phoned Mother, then emailed Ruth, Hayley, Spug, Matt, Gabe and Sarah.
How many replies?
None...cunts!

Calm thoughts ... breathe deeply

I am not quite as wound up as I was last night. He's not really a fucking cunt of a motherfucking bastard fuckwit, but he is a scoundrel!

Am feeling hungover today after a three hour drinking binge of Kronenbourgs with double rum chasers.

At least I bleached the grout in my bathroom when I got home last night.

And chicken pakoras rule!!!

AAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!

You wouldn't believe how pissed off I am with that fucking cunt of a motherfucking bastard fuckwit!

What a twatting shit fuck he really is.

Wed Nes Day

Right....... first of all, David said if he catches me doing that "blowging" again, there will be Murders. I'm shaking in my boots.
It's okay for these loonies to sit round for hours, talking about bush tucker trials, Coronation Street, Footie fixtutes and knocking one off! but if i post, the company will fold.

Saying that...... big trouble at the work place, a certain company seems to be reneging on a huge deal as they can't get the funding to "job" the gear out to us.
If it goes tits up, we are fucked!

This week is SO dragging.......wanted to blob work today, but couldn't think of an excuse.
Am aching all over from my 4 hr decorating stint last night.
It does look ream though, am v.pleased with myself......if i hadn't have had to match the pattern up, it would have been done quicker. So 6.20pm..........till 10.20pm was taken up, stripping (not me, the wallpaper) pasting, aligning and admiring the wallpaper and staircase.

Sam phoned while i was in the bath washing paste out of my hair and from up my arms.
Called her back at 11pm, chatted for 1/2hr.....hope to fuck we can all get there through the snow blizzard on Friday (anyhow I've been a tight cow and washed my old ballgown and bolero jacket, i will look like 2nd hand Rose.........boo hoo).

Had a bite to eat, then set to trimming all the edges with a Stanley knife, didn't get to bed till 1am..again.

Am so tired today, David is foul........understandably! and some cunt has pranged my car.....i presume in the White Rose yesterday lunchtime. Oh me!

Good Matthew Bad Matthew

Well let me start with Monday. Young lovely Andrew was off to a party with a work friend of his. He was coming over to Manchester with this fella and another mate and he needed to drop off his bag at home and also he wanted to show them where he lived.
He's not out at work: he wants people to know him as him, not as the token poof and he likes the mild subterfuge involved as well so that's fair enough but he wanted me to be out of the flat when they arrived as he didn't want me to drop him in it. Now Andrew is one of those gays, and there's a lot of them about, indeed I know many, where it is apparent from the moment you meet them that they're a bender. His soft slightly effeminate voice doesn't help but nevertheless I was the one who may drop him in it so being the Good Matthew that I am I moved my pictures of the Queen, hid my copies of the Gay Times and Attitude, moved my four homosexual themed fridge magnets and made sure that all other gay items were sided and then left for the pub for half an hour.

When I returned, Andrew had been and gone. I spoke to Karen on the phone and then rung Doug and he was with Andrea and Jon so I spoke to them all. Did some washing and went to bed. Andrew didn't return all night, which drove me mad but he was partying which to some extent is fair enough but I was pissed off that he'd not let me know.

Anyway he woke me up at 06.40 - he'd not been to bed. He was as tired as hell and I was tired and pissed off and let him know I wasn't best pleased. I warned him he'd feel shit that evening as well (because if you recall from my last blog, he'd got up at 3am on Monday morning so even at this time, 7am on Tuesday he'd been awake for 28 hours. Anyhew, he went to work and I quietly seethed all day.

Last night I worked till 7pm as is my wont and popped off to town to do some shopping and I got a call from Andrew, he was getting the 8pm train. I went home, defrosted the freezer (well when when I say defrosted, I mean I got my wooden rolling pin and bashed all the ice of the metal pipes) I liberated a sinkful of ice and was very happy with the amount of space I had freed up. So me being Good Matthew, I thought to myself that my poor baby would feel like shit and so I'd meet him at the station and we could get a taxi back. So I set off and got to the station ten minutes early. The train was 23 minutes late meaning that by the time he arrived I was freezing my bollocks off. But I was nice to him even though he was so tired he could hardly even speak. We got a cab home, we had a cup of tea and a fag and went to bed at about 10pm.

Woke up this morning, Andrew was refreshed and as usual he rushed round and left at 7.50. Five minutes later I had a phone call – he’d misplaced his rail card. He’d only bought it the day before and it cost £160. I looked round and couldn’t find it. He arrived back and looked and he couldn’t find it. I was really pissed off. What a fuckwit. He rang work to say he’d be late in. I rang the railway station in case it had been handed in and tried the council in case there was a taxi lost and found. He went off to work at 8.25 with his tail between his legs resigned to the fact that he’d get the 08.54 and be 15 minutes late for work but first he’d have to get a replacement and some passport photos. I got ready and left 15 minutes later.

Got to Manchester Oxford Road station, went to get my pass and what should I find snuggled with it, Andrew’s pass … and suddenly I remembered him giving it to me at the station. Bad Matthew! I desperately tried ringing Andrew but there was no reply. I tried again and again and on the third go he answered. He was just having his pictures taken. I jumped in a taxi and got to Manchester Victoria where Andrew was a minute after his train had left. Bad Matthew. Anyway, we had a coffee. Andrew left on the 9.24 and would be 45 minutes late. I got on the 9.29 and was also 45 minutes late. Bad Matthew.

Mixed feelings

Due on and moggy for no reason.

News thin on the ground.
Last night........ tescos (saw Beth and Tina buying essentials like beer, strawberry milk and tiramasu) had my tea, pie and chips, 2 hrs on the phone to Matt, then watched a film till 1.15am........slept 7 hrs, but still didn't want to get up today.

Too cold (when AP moves in, it will be his job to scrape all ice from cars). ;o)

Shite day....nowt happened, went to White rose at lunch, bought Mark the same pressie i bought 3 bros for Chrimbo.
Had a shouty conversation with Andy above all Xmas shopping revellers, his hangover has gone from bowlers breakfast (he said Spug threw a pint over him), he's coming round tomorrow to do some more woodwork and memorise photos of Ruth, but he can't come to fancy dress party as he's off to see Al Murry at the Grand Theatre. Sulked all the way back to work.

Suppose that'll serve me for giving him 3 days notice about Sam's do.

The most work i have done today is put a new refill in David's cross pen (that's a brand, not an angry biro).

Still, got some good wallpapers and borders for free from warehouse and off home in 3/4hr to tackle staircase.

It will be all finished before bedfordshire, you mark my words.

The mysterious Matt

Oh I forgot to mention that the mysterious Matt who commented on Karen's trip to Durham has been identified.

Its not me, its not Emma's Matt and its not MJW: its Matt Ford!

I'm glad we sorted that out. Phew!!

Party, Party and Party

Back to last Friday, being a model employee, i offered to pick up David's wife and give her a lift home............sounds quite simple?
NOT, she was in the Hilton in York and she lives in Hale in Manchester, for fucks sake, collected her, then dropped some random Canadians at the train station, hit the A1/M1 link road, got to Huddersfield and ground to halt, to cut a long story short, she'd no idea where she lived, we stumbled across an oil spillage and 2 crashes, ended up in the airport heading for terminal 3, until i safely threw her out at her abode and thanked her very kindly for the 40 fags for me to chain smoke on the way home.

Arrived home at 7.15pm, Andy turned up at 7.20pm, mumbled something about "you're not going out dressed like that".
Luckily Matt was running late, so i had 17 mins to have a bubble bath, wash, dry and straighten hair, get slap and clothes on and clamber into Richards van to be ferried to the Top pack horse for.....
Party 1

It was indeed a top night, much guffawing at my confident, popular chatty boyfriend, until he made a right rick and called Tina, Ruth (he actually thought Tina was my sister, he's only known me 3 yrs). DOH!
So the wobble was the wobble, pints in the the Top pack, Moorside Inn, Broomfield and the Ring o Bells (Me and Matt sang in there too), we needed to get a wriggle on and get into town, some bright spark made us do shots in the Punch and the Bull.......note to self DO NOT drink Port and Rum neat, as by the time you get to the Malt shovel you will want to throw buffets!!!
Blackout after the Malt......spoke to Besty, Toddy, Bryn and Tunner from school, Katy and Grant went for pizza......Hayley, James, Me ,Andy, Tina, Beth, Matt ,Sera, Sarah, Matt and Spug climbed the regal stairs.............then most of us went for curry, where i fell asleep and ate 1/2 of Andy's gee instead of ordering my own.

Next thing i knew it was 7.30am Saturday morning, rode AP, woke Matt and we went downstairs in our nightwear and watched the Terminal DVD, drank coffee and chainsmoked, Sarah, Sera and Mr.Ford arrived at 10am, breakfast for 6 at Kazza's Cafe........Andy woke up when the smoke alarm went off, oops! burnt bacon, still managed not to burn the toast, beans,eggs,mushrooms, sausage,tomatoes and hash browns........so we ate like kings, Andy went home to get ready to watch the rugby!
We all watched the Terminal again (nobody will die today), ace! Matt,Sarah and Sera went at 12 to watch Harry Potter, me and the Stephenson played Scene it till 1pm, then i took him to the train station in Hudds. Called at the pet shop on the way home, then slept from 3pm till 5.30pm, alarm went off for.............
Party 2

Saturday night was relatively tame, picked Katy F up at 6.30pm, Taxied to Aldo, met Tim, Joanne, Sarah B, Tina, Beth, MJW (in his benny hat), then Birthday girl bringing up the rear, with her weekends guests, Griffiths and Ford................it was a ream meal as always, i demolished Melon, Mango, Prawns, 2 pieces of garlic bread, 5 pieces of Chiabatta and one of Tina's spare ribs, then didn't want my main course funnily enough!
Had a beer and an entire bottle of vino, paid the bill, £16 a piece...........bargain, then we plonked in Spoons till last, Katy and me had another 6 pints (ooh we were parched).
We talked about, bowel movements (MJ), boots (Sarah B £110), bottle throwing................leave it!
Katy and i let MJ share our cab, he did his usual....hiya!! pressing his face against the glass then running after the cab like a rabid dog!
Home and bed for 12, after a txt from Ap........."nice meal?" man of many words.

Nice day yesterday, up at 11am, did my roots, had a cooked breakfast, washed 2 loads, cleaned cooker and bathroom.
Collected Marlene at 1.30pm (dutiful daughter), we went to freeport, i bought 3 bras (don't ask..yes i know i only have one pair of tits), 2 books, Steven some trousers, xmas cards and Ruths Christmas present!
Marlo bought a scarf and we had a nice coffee at Starbucks............Andy phoned at 4pm, giggling like a girl, from the bowlers breakfast, waffling about Pakis, my lovely cooking and would i call and see him for a pint.
Took Mum home and called at the club, to be told by the last few pissheads, Ap had indeed gone home.
Escaped Paul Hemmingway wanting to kiss me.........home and got ready for Hannah's Bach Hial..........
Party 3
Ace night Collected Steven (who offered to drive, until he found out it was a free bar), then picked up Paul and Lindsay in Morley and drove to Moor Allerton Golf club. I commented while parking the car, that my 2 male passengers would be the only folk at the party with foreskins.
V.Random evening, lots of mad Jewish dancing and people being thrown up in the air while sat on a chair and speech's performed beautifully by 12yr olds.
Steven was wankered on strong Russian beer, so i took him home at 11pm..........which was unfortunate as i wish i'd stayed to see Paul get so pissed he ended up in David's swimming pool.

So that's a wrap! Glad i'm not hungover today, like the other idiots i'm sharing an office with.
AND Andy wants to move in with me.

Wibble Wobble

OK so here’s my weekend report. I am not going to go into too much detail for Friday since Karen, Sarah and Sera can all blog for themselves but I need to mention a few things. Then the rest of the weekend was nice but not that eventful.

So the biggest laugh of the weekend was Andy thinking Tina was Ruth and then making it worse for him by saying they were both blonde (as if that makes up for it. Then Andy argues that Steven should hand in his Aussie visa because “you’re only allowed one and what if he wants to go back” … yeah, back to a country he hated so much that he was there less than a week Andy!! Sera and Matt were nice and we got to the bottom of who the other matt was who left a message - it was him, I was so pleased as I was beginning to think I was going mental or senile or both!!

Karen threw a chair in the Malt Shovel!! By goodness she was drunk! What an old lush! Well we were all pretty drunk but Karen seemed to be the drunkest – not that she weed in a bin or got her busties out so she wasn’t too bad. Went from The Malt to the Regal and then to Mucky Joes. Hmm, nice bhuna!! Spug got off with a fit young lad called Ross whom I wouldn’t have said no to despite being almost 13 years younger than me!

Got to Karen’s and Andy and I went straight to bed (into separate beds of course) and I slept like a log! At 8.15 I woke up and at 8.45 Karen’s beautiful face lit up the doorway and offered me a coffee so I got up and chatted away to Karen as she made the drinks and she mentioned that she couldn’t believe that she’d got up before 8. I said it was near 9 not 8 and then she said that she’d not turned the clock back. I felt like murdering the sleep stealing bitch. I would never have got up if I’d have known it was so early but I suppose although she was a sleep stealing devil woman she was making sure I didn’t sleep the day away she perhaps she’s not quite so evil as she seemed at that point.

Watched the Terminal which was much funnier that I had imagined it would be. All down to Gupta!! Then Sarah and Sera and Matt arrived and we watched it again while eating a delicious breakfast made by the sleep stealer – who by now had redeemed herself completely with hash browns, bacon, sausages, shrooms, boons and tintoms! Yum yum! I had a minor napette and then a lovely mince pie with brandy cream on top – double yum yum!! Everyone sloped off and me and Karen played a DVD quiz game and she then took me to Huddersfield station (via my mum and dad’s where I posted 3 shirts through the letter box!)

Got home at 3pm, spent some time with A who then went off to work. I went shopping and bought some tea (chicken forestiére with pommes dauphinoise) a present for Karen to thank her for her hospitality, a christening present and a card. Got back at 7pm and for the rest of the evening I ate and watched TV. I missed most of the X factor as I was sleeping which is a shame but I was v annoyed that the Conway sisters are still in it – what’s going on!!??

Woke up at 8.30 and Andrew arrived home minutes later. Had to get ready for the christening so had a poo, wrapped the present, ironed a shirt, found out about train times and I was all sorted and ready. The train was at 10am due into Stockport at 10.15 so I had time for the taxi man to get me there for 10.45 but the train was delayed by 10 minutes, the taxi driver got lost and we ended up behind a lorry full of hay so I was late by 10 minutes. Thankfully I’d missed one hymn but there were 3 more to go as well as some crappy song with actions for the kids. The service wasn’t long – we were back at Michelle’s by 11.45. We all trooped to the pub where I had 4 Stellas and then went to Michelle’s where I had a massive glass of wine and a can. Got a taxi to Stockport, and a train into town – slept all the way. Realised at the railway station I was really rather drunk. I had to have a Whopper which I’d not normally do and then on the Tram I seemed to go from bad to worse, falling over twice and having people laugh at me (sob). Got home and A was in bed so I joined him for 4 hours and get up again at 7.45pm. We were due to go and see Harry Potter but there was no rousing A so I got up and left him and watched Corrie and the West Wing and IACGMOOH and Chris Evans and went back to bed at 11.30. Andrew woke up at 3am. Wide awake and all over me but I was still in sleeping mood so he got up for something to eat and stayed up and I got up at 7am. That's about it really. Nice weekend.

-4

Jesus Mary.............and all that Jazz! it's cold!

Events of the last 2 days..........
Wednesday Evening, went home to new flooring in the hall and was v.excited, the pine cabinet look marvellous and needs filling with stuff! let cats out and went to tescos, bought some essentials, some treats and some xmas booze!
Plus expensive pate for cats...........i know i spoil them.
Unpacked and sided all away, bathed, got p.j's on and tackled the monster ironing pile, all done by 8.30pm, so made tagliatelle carbonara, phoned Matty (this evenings house guest) back.......had a mince pie with brandy butter..........did some smug grinning at tidy house, great mates, nice boyf and festive grub!

Started to watch Lost, Whitter phoned (i knew it was Sam as she's my only pal who doesn't watch Lost) so taped the last 1/2, chatted an hour.........topics....... kittens, boys, party, webcams, AP, ML, frocks, vets, 1986, KJ, New year..........and the list goes on!
Watched the end of Lost and slumberland soon after the midnight!

Yesterday, weekend eve!
David out all day, so we never struck a bat....took my lunch at 11.30am and returned to work a few hours later. Called at Bodycare, then Links in the Victoria Quarter, got Mum some perfume from Harvey Nichols, browsed in Zara.......got lunches at M&S.
Fannied around all afternoon, Andy txt " hows the new floor? does that Fucking cabinet look ok?"........hhhaaaaaaaa

Steven phoned back from his travels, he's left his Jeans in Hong Kong can i get him some new ones, we laughed about home is best! i could hear elder brother in the background, yelling "i've had longer shits".

I left early yesterday, so was at home at 5.30pm, emptied litter tray, bins and took wheelie bin to main road, put glass top table in car and picked Ruth up at 6pm.
She put table in place, under the window..........we set off to Marlene's, chatted 1/2hr.

We then went to get food, it was too late to cook so we got a take-out!
Saw a fooking RAT, run out of the kitchen in the Chinese......nice, Ruth's screaming "ah, don't eat from here".
Dropped Ruth at the one on Bradford Rd (with no rats), for her to pick up her chicken and chips....saw Dave Porritt in the fish shop, slunk down in my car seat in case he thought i was stalking his Son at the bottom on Wesley Street.
Home, got pets indoors, had a bath, then ate my rat infested chow mein.............Mmmm!

Watched EE, then Little Britain, next we set to, sorting out all present trunk and cupboard in the alcove, got out all Xmas stuff from under spare bed and we had a merry old time, was pleased as punch as cupboard all now tidy, i know who i still have to buy for, for Chrimbo, sorted a binliner of shite out and Ruth filled 2 bags of freebies to take home.
We had some fags and ribena, then i drove her home in my jimmes, minus fooking 3......dial on car said.
Watched Frank Skinner in bed, was out before 12.

Jeans, polo neck and fur lined boots, is the order of the day today, i don't just mean for work!!!! for the westgate wobble tonight, fuck fashion!!

Flat packed furniture

Hiya
I'm here again with my mundane drivel!

Arrived at the cottages at 6.10pm, realised i'd spent the entire afternoon with a number 1 made out of masking tape, stuck to the back of my jumper (oh, my boss is so funny).

Quicky bathed, got comfy leisure suit on (well okay p.j's), threw my tea in the oven, let cats in who were all sat on the step with their teeth chattering!

Put new DVD's on shelf :o)
Marlene arrived at 7.30pm, she told me all the same news she's told me Monday!

Andy arrived at 8pm.
Marlo "ooh you sound like a rugby player".........
Shut up Mother!
Andy's guffawing, "i'm not sure how to take that".
The pair of them then chatted about Steven coming home, Andy said he's not given it a chance!
He then told Mum he went to school with Hayley, (she'll be confused now, seen as Ruth's told her he's 29).

She departed soon after as promised, off to Auntie Gills with her cards, we set about putting together a flat pack, pine chest of drawers...............what a fucking drama!

I reckon i'd have got them together in 1hr.
Oh no, not Mr.Porrait.....i don't need instuctions, after 2 1/2 hrs and lots of swearing, cursing etc from the alpha Male.
It was up, with a little help from me, well i put the handles on and i also pointed out some practical points, like "the fronts of the drawers are falling off, because there are 2 screw holes at the side that need screws in".

Anyhow, he went on his merry way at 11pm, up early today now he's back at work.
So we never got to watch a film, he wanted to watch Scarface, but he made me turn it off after 20mins as he needed all his concentration for the cabinet!

That's it ..........evening over, i went to Bedfordshire soon after!
It's the hump of the week today, this afternoon i need to take a late lunch to let the acrpet fitters in!
Evening plans, Tescos and 2 WEEKS ironing!
Entertaining Ruth tomorrow.........

Then it's Sarah's fun packed birthday weekend, Friday we are doing the infamous Westgate wobble (cleck pubcrawl), Andy said he'd drive, then found out Grant was coming "ah fuck it, i'll come and get pissed if Grants coming!".

Mr.Stephenson may be staying in my lilac room for the evening.........house guests again? that's twice this year!

Saturday we're off to Pino's..........hoorah!

So back to work now, we've erected a 6 foot xmas candy cane, that's all lit up, so i'm typing in the dark (for full effect).
David is still pissed from last night, he went to the flying Pizza with 3 pals, 1 had veal, 3 had pizzas and they all that icecream and strawberries.......the bill was £240........the rest was spent on wine and sambuka!!!

Oohh midweek drinking..........he's looking for a bird, wonder if 10 men bates is interested?

10 men Bates and Matthew got me done!

Firstly apologies for yesterdays late and not written in proper English blog post:
Leave me be you bullies!!!!!!!!

My Monday posts do seem to be more and more a stream of consciousness.......so get used to it! it really doesn't matter!

Had a good day at work, AP phoned and txt about his job, (started today) and did he need screwdrivers to put unit up tonight............truth be told, I'm itching to put together pine cabinet myself, but i want him to feel needed, so played the dumb wench card!

We all had a nice lunch and the work were all in all.......... in high spitits

Last night called at the Mothers on the homeward bound journey, stayed an hour, Jim shot of to do a job and Marlene and i sat on high bar stools in the Kitchen drinking Maxwell house and discussing our weekends and Stevens return (poor Steven).

Home at 7pm and threw the cats out against their will (too cold) bathed, donned on p.j's and put pie and chips in oven, demolished tea, just in time for Eastenders, washed up then Matt phoned for.........yep 4hrs!
The minutes have been blogged.

Today's news

This morning, emailed the chappy from Kenwood to secure next 1/2 million pound deal on the lines i bought yesterday....(yes thank-you ladies and gentlemen i have single handedly saved our company from imminent closure, due to the fact that we never do any work and just seem to fuck about and play silly beggars day in day out!).

I take a bow!

Next i took Elliott to some yid's office to pick up his keys then drive him to the university to where his car, along with not one but 2 flat tyres was parked, left him to it!

Called at the accountants, then filled car with £53 of deisel.
Called at Boots, for some make up bits, meal deal and buy 2 get 1 free deodorants.

Then called at my desk for 20mins before i disappeared off to the White Rose for my 1hr lunch!

Got Hannah a voucher for the Bach Mitzvah on Sunday from HMV.
Bought Sarah new quilt and pillow for her birthday (yes she wanted them, i'm not just randomly buying her bedding as she has an Olympic medal for sleeping).

The purpose of the trip was to look at frocks for next weeks fancy dress party......now i've seen a red one (in Next), that is the spit of the Marilyn Monroe affair..........
Obstacles: how the fuck do i get my hair like that?
No sleeves, so will need a shrug, on top of matching shoes!
I will not get my £35 worth out of a red dress i will never wear again.......a black one maybe!??!

V.expensive evening spent in Whitter's kitchen!

Decided to sleep on it, then randomly bought 9 new DVD's (as i have 2 players and hardly any films).

They were on offer, stop picking on me......
Good choices though and winter is drawing near.
Scarface
Kill Bill
Catch me if you can
Fight Club
Sixth Sense
Oceans Twelve
American Beauty
Closer
The Terminal


God i can feel my spending addiction kicking off!!!!

Notes of a 4 hour phone call between Mr M Stephenson and Miss K Horner

Andrew
Andy
Spug
Hayley and James
Katy and Granty
Sarah
Gabe
Dawn
Ruth
Steven
Marlo and Jim
Richard and Judy
Warren and Carol
Dave and Jill
John and Claire
David, Leigh, Paul and Huggy
Tony, Ian, Dave and Jenny
Rich and his family
Suggy
MJW
Steven
Boxing Day Rugby
Family parties
Drinking in Cleck
Arrangements for Xmas
Dead men’s yellow shirts
Cotton buds up your bum
The Westgate Wobble
The Cleck Trek
30th Birthday parties
Catering for parties
Pie and Peas
Queueing at Metcalfes
Aldo’s
Harrison’s Christening
Genetic propensity for drink
Needles
Blackpool
Newcastle
Durham
Playing games when driving
Dreams
English, Mexican, Thai, Indian and Chinese food
Leeks (with white sauce)
Delia's steak and kidney pie
M&S tins of chunky chicken
Being woken up in a scary way
Pot noodles
"Roo-ar"ing for stuff
Wanting free things
Sharing emery boards and almond slices evenly
Smoking cigarettes
Farting in front of your boyfriend
Pretending to be a pedlo
Age gaps
Shitting through the eye of an eagle
Boyfriend’s willies
Dribbling while asleep
Clean bedding
Cats sleeping in slippers
Boots and shoes
DIY Focus
Books
Having children
The difference between gay and straight people
Alarm clocks and waking up
Tidying up
Fizzy pop
Cats thinking you're talking to them
New jobs, and new jobs at previous employers
Cushy jobs
Santini tomatoes
Playing cards at the golf club
Amounts of holiday people take
Amounts of sick people take
Working late
Me time
Karaoke
Preferred evenings: out at the pub/in drinking wine
Scrabble
Playstations
Inviting people to functions
The Rugby Club

Anything I missed Karen?

It's gonna be a long one!

Let me start with last Thursday evening, collected Marlo, Jim and Sister at 6.30pm, had a really good night at St.Georges hall, Ruth was the youngest person there by far and when she bought a programme the guy asked her if she had enough pocket money.
Well it was Mothers birthday treat but i think we all enjoyed it equally!

We lost Jimbo in the interval, he was in a different bar and had also bought a round of drinks, so we were drinking like bastards in the intermission.........oh well!

Called at spoons on the way home, Mother was loving it, whispering "we should come out more often.............just girls though".

Dropped parents off home and got in and ironed cardigan and packed for Newcastle........why aye man!

Friday, felt rough as fuck.....a few shandies on a school night and i'm done in.......
Got a wriggle on chucked bag in car boot, along with Dawn's chocolates and Champagne and enough Buxton mineral water to sink a ship.

Collected AP at 11.30am........drove down the drive and there was Gill P in her pyjamas waving frantically mouthing "have a good time", Andy (face like thunder) looked a tad embarrassed........
Next stop, Sarah 3 bellies, who was READY!! Andy had got in the back of the car like an Asian wife, so Sarah climbs in the front and pipes up "Morning Nick, oh it's not Nick, sorry Andy i wondered where his hair had gone"........
That's right Sarah, tell him his bald after not even recognising him!

Collected Nicky Mac (enough said) and hit the A19, pleasant journey, games of things beginning the alphabet and double names in alphabetical order, followed by much guffawing about the lesbian.........contraceptive? face masks!!!

Arrived at 2pm, had a brew, me and Sarah nipped to shop (slack arse hadn't even bought Dawn a card), got bac, worried about leaving Ap with 2 complete strangers, what were they doing? stood in the kitchen, drinking 8% home brew beer that looked like tar!


2 hours later, they'd dumped Ethan on the grandparents, we'd had a sandwich, got ready and polished off several beers and a toast to Dawn's 40th with Sainsburys bucks fizz,
Andy came down dressed suitably (thank fuck he didn't have his party pants on).
So we set off at a march to the Metro station, got into Newcastle met up with Dawns pals and threw a beer down our necks until our connecting train into Durham arrived...........Gabe told the 8 of us to get on without paying (as he did it all the time).
Marched to wetherspoons, had a pint, marched to another pub........ditto! Marched to the restaurant, (bloody 6' odd mates, taking it in their stride) had a lovely tai meal, 5 of us got the banquet...........note to self, never ever have tai green curry again, as it is one hot mother fucker!
Had a great night, me and Gabe kept sneaking off to fag it......... paid the bill, £25 each including beer and wine............bargain!
Set off at a fucking sprint back to the metro station, my feet were on fire, Andy's dragging me by the hand.....up 100 steps in my best going out boots!
Back on the train, again without paying!

Met some of Dawns mates in a dark dingy drugs den type bar, had a pint, then went to The Bridge pub, had another 3 pints and sat round on bar stools, all drunk and jolly! Ap being all pished and attentive!
Metro home (Nick tried to get Andy to scrap with 2 teenagers who were smoking in the next carriage........he's a lover not a fighter), fell through the door........threw boots off and put Gabes slippers on, plonked on sofa and started to fire more beer down our necks, listening to mad c.d's, Sarah and Dawn went to bed (GIRLS), we laughed about Simon and Dawns wedding back in 1999, Gabe then appeared wearing his Kilt and Sporran, jigging about like a pissed up bastard. I laughed so hard my sides hurt...........Andy was scared and went to bed, me Nick and Gabe stayed up a while...... crept into bed in the early hours, Woke Ap by stumbling about like a pissed up twat!

Saturday!!
I made Sarah, Dawn, me and Nick bacon butties, Gabe was dead to the world, Andy wasn't shifting from under the quilt either!
Dragged him out of bed, threw him in back of car, Sarah and i clambered in the front! Left Nick in Newcastle as he and Gabe AND Dawn thought we'd all gone for the weekend, but forgot to mention it on the invite!
Ejits! Andy slept all the way home, Sarah and i gassed like a couple of old fishwives, dropped her off at Leeds train station at 11.55am (poor Sarah the seasoned traveler).

Woke Andy and threw him out at home, Gill P still stood at the door in her P.J's waving at No.1 son and his old bag bird..........
Went to Carpet cuts and bought new floor covering to be fitted on Weds.
Home let cats out, unpacked, flew to Marlene's got £80 brother owed me........needed for beer that evening as i'd spent the last of my cash on lino!
Home, collapsed into bed and slept soundly till 5.30pm.

Awake, checked blower, 3 miss calls Andy, Txt from 2 brothers, 1 from Katy F and 1 from Kay, have you heard from Steven he's text me! "have you ever left like you've made the biggest mistake of your life?".
Andy didn't want to play out that night, he was fucked after rugby and had been sick (all the spicy tai food, not the 17 pints of lager guzzled the previous evening).
David needed some jeans, Martyn wanted to talk about keyboard adaptors and Katy wanted me to pick her up at 6.30pm, in a cab (now that i could do!).

Let gay boy know i was going out boozing even if he wasn't and was at the club at 6.40pm, Ruth was there, something to do with work, Spug, Rach and Dean with daughter....
Parents departed soon after, Ruth left after 15 bottles of Bud.
Okay night , 4 shandies and girly chats at club, cabs onto spoons, met Tina and Beth hooray!!! Hayley and James arrived, a couple in there and up to the old house at home, 2 more in there, it was rammed! gave Katy the last of my fags as she was off to meet her Man in the regal.
Just for the record, people being arsey with me for now being "loved up",just because i wasn't out last weekend has nothing to do with Andy, i would have gone to the fireworks party AND the wedding AND Newcastle with or without him, plus i seem to recall you all being at my house the weekend before last...........so geddof me back!
Grabbed a pizza i was hank marvin and couldn't face another pint, asleep before Midnight!

Sunday......the busiest Sunday this year........was up at 10am, dressed and drove over to Focus DIY in Castleford where i had £153 credit, bought 60 litre stainless steel bin, new 6' Xmas tree (£59.99), 3 seagrass storage boxes, solid pine cabinet and loo brush...........for nowt! yippee, called at Freeport and bought 2 pairs of boots from Next ( a brown pair for work and black for going out, both pairs for £48 Bargain!!!).

Home, chores galore,had bacon butty for energy! then watered plants, filled bird feeders, washed 2 loads of clothes, towels, bedding, rugs, put clean bedding on, mopped kitchen floor, ripped up carpet in hall, vacced living room, sewed up hem on trousers, chucked away old storage boxes and put new ones in place, threw away old xmas tree (purchased 11 yrs ago in Derby when Sam was Carrying Molly). Put old bin, basin and draining board rack in carboot to take to work............
Phoned Andy who was in boozer with Woz and Deano.
He offered to erect new cabinet for me, i don't know how i've managed without him for the last 15 years..............tee hee!).
Ate warmed up pizza from Saturday night, watched EE omnibus on tape after finally sitting down at 7.30pm, dead on my feet, up to bed at 10........watched t.v,read last 4 chapters of my book, out like a light at midnight!

Having a nice day today, email from Steven traveling blows, i'm managing to stay 10 days, coming home, see you all VERY soon!".
Oh well, he tried it!!

On the upside Having a nice santini chicken salad for lunch, new boots are v.comfy and Andy has a job..............yippee!!!

Mancunia

Morning campers.

I was in London last weekend visiting my brother and his girlfriend, so we were looking forward to a fairly chilled and relaxed one this weekend. Got home at around 5pm from work, Matt was on his way, got changed into new £170 jeans that Matt bought me (arrr!) and did the pots.

He arrived home with a bottle of Rose for me and a bottle of red for him. We relaxed with our booze and got a bit tipsy. Had a minor disagreement that doesn’t even warrant a mention (think the booze brings out a bad side of me) we managed to sort ourselves out and got a cab to Viva Cuba to have tapas for dinner.
We had a couple of mojitos and loads of tapas and ate until we nearly popped. Got home and had drunken sex.

Saturday morning, Matt was at the gym for 10 am, I was meanwhile up and dressed in grey velour house suit (nobber) cleaning the bathroom, doing washing, dying roots, tidying bedroom. Matt came home at 12.30 with breakfast supplies. We had big mushrooms, scrambled egg, Lincolnshire sausage and a few beans.
I did the pots whilst Matt was in the shower, and scrubbed the kitchen floor while Matt was probably having a wank or something. No, not bitter at all about doing all the housework!! Went for a sun bed, came home, Matt had a kip on the sofa and I had a pizza.
We were off to Manchester that night to stay with a mate of his called Sheps. He’s known Sheps since they were 14 and used to work together at Perfect Pizza in Urmston. Sheps has met a bird on Match.com and we were meeting her for the first time. All we knew was that she was called Sam, age 32 and looked a bit like Faye from Steps. MY ARSE! She was a very nice woman but I don’t think she was any of the aforementioned. We had a good night out in Urmston though, drank shite loads of vodka and ended up in a TERRIBLE nightclub called Mambo’s. Sheps and his lady friend got turned away by the chuckle brother on the door as they were wearing trainers! WHAT??!!! Is it fucking 1985! I ended up lending her my new 80’s ankle boots as she didn’t have any shoes. Anyway, after the commotion, got into the night club which was so rubbish! It was like the one back home I used to frequent aged 14 called the Porterhouse. I have never seen so many horrors in my life under one roof! Everyone looked hard as fuck so I obviously kept my comments to myself.
Had a great night anyway, Matt started to go under a bit as he was too pissed, so we staggered off to the kebab shop. Got home, ate kebab and fell into Shep’s spare room at silly o’clock.

Sunday morning, rose at 9 am as my mouth tasted like I had been licking Shep’s dogs arse. Set off back to Leeds at 1pm. Went straight to Asda to do big shop and buy CD’s. My mate Polly and her boyfriend called round for a coffee and we all decided to go to the Dragon for a quick 3 pints.
Polly and Jake left, I made tea of chicken breast wrapped in bacon, carrot and swede mash and mange tout, followed by waffles and ice cream and X Factor for pudding! Yeah!! Fell asleep at 12 ish.

Babysitting

Well hello there readers, this weekend has been a funny one and quite unexpectedly so and so that makes it doubly worthy of a bloggage, so here goes.

Friday, I was so pissed off with work that I left at twenty to four and was home at four pm. Woke up sleeping beauty who was dead to the world despite the radio alarm clock going off at full blast (quite deafening in fact). Walked with him to the station. He popped into a shop for some Dr Pepper and some fags but he left the fags on the shop counter so we had to get some more at another shop. Since he’s 4” taller than me Andrew could walk much quicker so I was either 10 feet behind him or absolutely puffed or both so I have resolved never to walk with him to the station. Its hardly bonding time.

Got some make up samples for my mum and then popped into Sainsburys where I spent £13 on tea!! Anyway tea was lovely – sausage and mash and cabbage medley and sticky toffee pudding yum!! Went to bed at midnight after a rather uninspiring evening.

Saturday I was woken up by young Andrew on the phone, he was on the train and wanted a chat. I was a bit tired and so not really with it but he seemed very chipper which was nice. He got home soon after and we had a nice time chatting and sleeping a bit but over the morning his mood got worse and worse. I think it was a combination of knowing he should be getting some sleep but not being able to and the drink he was drinking to help him (not that it was helping him) to get to sleep.

Eventually after some inexplicable tears, I convinced Andrew to go to bed and he seemed to sleep pretty soundly. I kipped on the sofa for two and a half hours, wasting the afternoon but I did pop out at about 4.30 to buy some Christmas cards and a few other bits and bobs. Got home at 6ish with four heavy carrier bags of stuff having spent a fortune. Woke Andrew up at 7.30. He was going to a work party but as the party didn’t start till 4.30am (that’s casinos for you), he was getting the coach to Bradford and going out with his work mates beforehand. He was behind schedule so while he showered, I ironed, while he shaved, I dried and while he brushed his teeth I dressed him. He got to the coach with seconds to spare. I settled down to a nice night of telly and DVDs and had a nice time. Was preparing to go to bed at about 1am after watching Ocean’s 11 and South Park the Movie. And I got a nice text from Andrew, telling me he loved me (aw, how sweet) and apologising for being a mardy bugger earlier in the day. I sent him a text saying I was off to bed. An hour later I got a phone call – he was drunk just saying hello. Like you do when you’re drunk. I said I’d text him but then it turned out my mobile had no signal so I went to bed and had a few hours of nice uninterrupted sleep.

Woke up at 10. That’s when his coach was due in to Manchester. Had a fag and waited and he didn’t turn up. Hmm, I thought perhaps he’s calling into McDonalds for an evil bagel but he still didn’t turn up. Then I thought perhaps that his coach had been delayed but after over an hour I was left to assume that he was staying at a mate’s having got slammed on the free booze!

Watched the Remembrance Sunday events at the Cenotaph and observed the two minutes silence, thinking particularly about my classmate Chris Hickey who was killed in Iraq on 18 October.

At about ten to twelve I was thinking about getting ready and then the phone rang: “will you accept the charges from Andrew”. Oh here we go I thought what fresh hell is this! Hello Matthew, I must have fallen asleep on the Coach and I’m at Blackpool. He had a bit of money but not much so I said I’d go and rescue him. He said which bars he’d be in and I said I’d be between one and two hours.

I hurriedly got dressed and left for the station. The next train was half an hour off so I impatiently waited for that and once on it was informed that we had to get off at Chorley and get on a bus for Preston and then get the train to Blackpool. I wasn’t best pleased so we had a 45 minute train ride, then 45 minutes on the bus then a half hour wait at Preston and then half an hour on the train to Blackpool. What should have taken an hour and ten minutes had taken over three hours! I wasn’t best pleased as I’m sure you can imagine.

Found Andrew in the second bar. He was chatting with an old friend who he used to know from three years ago. Andrew asked me to buy a drink for an old chap at the other end of the bar who had bought him a drink. He was telling people the story of the coach and that I was coming but because I’d been so long he thought that people may not believe him so he was really pleased I turned up and could prove to him that I was real and that he was telling the truth. So I bought this old chap a drink. We bought a playstation. I’d been planning on buying Andrew one for Xmas but he asked me if I’d buy it and he’d give me the money when he got paid so I thought that it was fair enough. We stayed in Blackpool for about 3 hours. I had 4 pints and 2 double rums and a fair bit of Andrew’s vodka and Coke, orange Reef and Smirnoff Ice – he was pretty drunk as he’d been drinking on and off for the past 21 hours!! We got the coach back – I’d already got a return train ticket but the coach was only an hour and a half compared to the train at 3 hours so it was worth the extra pound difference between a single rail ticket and two single coach tickets.

Got back at 7.30. I went for a pint as I didn’t want to be involved in the setting up of the playstation as I end up rowing with people at times like that. I got home after one pint and Andrew was struggling so I set it up (no rows) and then while Andrew played I slept. It was a nice quiet evening after a strangely eventful day. Poor old Andrew had been awake for 30 hours by the time we went to bed. He plans to wake at 2pm today but I don’t believe it to be honest.

matt ford has too much time on his hands

for anyone who reads the blog regularly i would like to cast you back in time.......... this would be to 27.6.05 where 2 thing happened and where blogged. firstly i was early twice this would be cause i'm never late! i bring this up now as i have been accused of shocking people this weekend by being early, i repeat, i am never late.
secondly, i did indeed borrow a cardigan off miss horner, which i returned.( although not 100% sure where i returned it too, but if you really want it back, its going for 99p in kirkwood hospice. oops !).
Any how back to now. top weekend, had great fun, only bad bit was 100 hours on the train back to sunny bloody great yarmouth to find out dan has painted his living room YELLOW! the boy needs a wife.
anyway anyone interested in beer on friday? or is that a silly question.

Bet Billy Fury never cleaned a dirty grill in his life!

Not that I'm competing with Sarah, by blogging every day!
Well i might be........tee hee!

But also it's something to do, it's only like chatting!

So i'm here again, another day another dollar.

I arrived at my desk at 9.13am (i'm late every day, but no worries as Shadrag the security guard saves me a parking space, by putting a police bollard in a spot by the door).

We chat for 1/2hr till David falls through the door, beaming "morning campers".

Give it 10 minutes, before he pipes up, "what are we doing for fodder Kazza?"

Off to Somerfield with a £10 note, back and shuffle into my Kitchen like Mrs.Overall..............(fooking hell, i'm Katy Farquahar).

When everyone has a full belly, i sit down with my cereal and chopped up banana, before i tackle the filthy grill!

Stop feeling sorry for me i love it!

Not as much as AP though!
Bless, he was round last night..........i was kipping on the sofa, fleece on over my p.j's looking like a polar bear.......

He's so depressed job wise, i tried to cheer him up by doing tricks, you know crushing a can on my forehead, sword swallowing, gave it up as a bad job when Meg ate the white dove, that was to be used in my next act!

We got Descent out on DVD, it was good to begin with, but a bit far fetched with all the monsters....
We then played Scene it on DVD as Ruth and Mark packed up their game to take home and left the disc...........hahhhaaaaaa losers!

Andy whooped my ass, as i am no good at anything!
Went to bed to read for 1 hr and was unconscious before the 12!

Jobs to do today.
Wash car, inside and out.
Go to M&S for Dawn chocolates and nice santini salad for lunch.
Get drinks and mints for tomorrows journey.
Look for Kay more Chrome sink taps for her downstairs loo.
Get Martyns step daughter Casio Keyboard.
Take DVD back.
Get fish butty or something quick for tea.
Get ready in double quick time and pick up Marlene, Jim and RuthRack at 6.45pm.
Drive to St.Georges hall theatre and spend the evening bopping away to Halfway to paradise the Billy Fury story with aged parents.
Get home not too late i hope and pack bag for morning, when i am to collect nice boyfriend, Sarah 3 bellies and Nick Mc(i'm the most boring man alive)Elive. To set off to Newcastle to stay with the Elsworth family and have a night out in the City known as Durham.


Better go get that grill cleaned 1st!

Oooh yeah, i forgot to mention Elliott got off with a warning, for the guy that headbutted him, yeah! that's what i thought, but seemingly the guy who stuck one on him, was his ex's new chappy and didn't take kindly to Elliott "harassing" his girlfriend, yeah he was in court for harassment........Seeminglyly you can get in trouble by the law for txting "your cunt smells of shit" to an ex-lover!

How peculiar!??!

I feel as if I shoudl blog but I've not much to say

Hello,

I’m not blogging the weekend as Karen did such a sterling job. Well done you – you’re ace! But I should blog. You others are shamefully appalling at blogging so someone has to do it.

I got home at 4.20 ish after getting a train back. Andrew was in bed and had blobbed as they’d changed his shift from 7pm to 9am and his body was still in 7pm mode and so he’d slept through his sleep. We had a nice evening and went out for a couple and as usual were far too late to bed.

Monday – A working nights so home alone. Got home at 7, cooked tea, fell asleep for Karen to wake me up and then for me to act like a confused maniac for 5 minutes as I came round. Washed a lot and went to bed.

Tuesday – woken by A’s ramblings as he phoned me (ah – that’s where the £20- went … oh never mind me, I’m just thinking aloud). On his way home. It was ten to 7 and I knew he’d be home soon and I really value those last few minutes in bed. Wasn’t a happy bunny as I’m sure you can imagine. Went to work – same old same old. Got home at 5.50, A still in bed. Woke him up, he was as grumpy as hell, complaining he was bored. I was really tired so I fell asleep and I think this made him even more hard work.

Anyway after a while I said to him look, its my flat designed for me not you. Sorry if you’re bored but there’s nothing I can do if you won’t talk or come for a drink or a walk or something. After something to eat he came round a bit and then seemed to get a second wind, keeping my up till 03.30. and then once we’d got to bed for even longer! He said he’d just go and have a fag afterwards and I didn’t see him again. He stayed up all night watching DVDs.

He woke me at 6.30 annoying me – I’d only had 3 hours sleep and didn’t want in depth conversations I wasn’t prepared for so I told him to come back 3 hours later. Yes I had an appt at the doc’s for 11 so I was able to sleep in. He made me tea and toast at 9am which was nice. He was staying up all day but when I got back from the doc’s he was tucked up in bed and now he’s not answering the phone so I hope we don’t end up with another evening like last night.

I think the trouble is that a, he does get bored, b, he doesn’t seem able to remain bored, c, he has no money, and d, he can’t effectively manage his sleep. While he’s on shifts he wants to keep to a nocturnal pattern even when he’s off but that’s rubbish.

When I worked nights and had 2 days off, I’d get home at 7 on a Saturday morning, sleep till 1ish and then be up for the day and went to bed at midnight. Then I’d have two normal nights sleep and get up on Monday as late as possible, going to work at 6pm. I’d be dog tired on Tuesday and sleep all day but at least I had a weekend. At the minute, Andrew is getting home, sleeping till 4 or 5 or 6 and then isn’t tired at bedtime. Then he can’t sleep and so stays up and so the second day off is just the same. We need to work something out so we can see each other and so he gets some time off that he can use.

Poor lad – being a grown up can be so hard sometimes!

Blog you fuckers

Matt and Emma excluded, but it's all very well having your name in lights and not participating!

Bah humbug!

I'm having another productive day with the Jews, just made the biggest pile of bacon butties in the world, I'm having cereal (how else would i keep my slim physique), feck all has happened since yesterday, erm!

Let me think.........had a nice night last night, took me an hour to get home, that cunting M62, (going home Whitehall Road way tonight), Had lamb chops, sprouts, broccoli, carrots and jacket potato, set the smoke alarm off for added drama!

Watched Holby city, tided out the letter rack (threw away 14000 Next receipts), then tided all shoes in bottom of wardrobe, even parted with some old boots, flip flops and 2 pair of slippers!.............ooh i'm such a hoarder!

Then waxed my top lip, rubbish! didn't even work, it said on the packet, let the hair growth be at least 4mm, fuck off, that's like saying grow a full moustache before trying to rid yourself of any facial hair!

Phoned Suggs, who was smoking on the porch (note to self, do not phone Chris after 9pm, as he will be so stoned you cannot get any fooking sense out of him, but he will giggle like a girl for a good hour while telling you really unfunny stories).


Actually, i was still laughing about his 4 yr old daughter Thirza at the dinner table, when i went up to bed.

"Daddy? if I'm really lucky, when I'm a grown up, you can come and live with me in my house"
Then in a hushed tone..........
"and i will cook you sausages for your tea".

She then made it quite clear Olivia wasn't coming and her Mother was only allowed to visit!

Watched Mondays and Tuesday EE on tape and read for an hour in bed.

Like i said, just made breakfast, gonna wash up soon, David taking Elliott to court in a minute, honestly any normal Tom, Dick or Harry gets head butted on a Saturday night in a busy wine bar, they take it on the chin, not little Jew boys, he's pressing charges, "how dare that nasty man want to spoil my beautiful boat race"!!!

Bon Voyage Bro

Am just having a fag at my desk, have txt AP to find out how the job hunting is going?

David has gone golfing, Leigh is in London, Paul at lunch, all on my ownio!

AND Steven is on his way to Australia, holy moly!

Last 24 hours have been v.busy!

Left work at 4.30pm yesterday, picked up Steven, Dad gave me the kite, Steven borrowed car to take Hazel out on a date, was a bit choked that I'm not going to see him for months, told him to post key through door as i didn't want to say goodbye twice, had a cuddle at the door, couldn't look at him!

Dad phoned all Maudling wanting to meet me for a drink, walked to spoons, had a Pepsi with him, v.random experience, only stayed for 1, really really can't drink in the week.

Got home, still pounding head......that'll be a week old headache, i can blame Saturday and Sunday on hangover............maybe i should go for my eyes testing?

Anyhow, got Hels out of bed, she was on a night shift....oops!, she's calling in on Saturday on route to Edinburgh from Southampton.
By the time we got off the phone, all my pasta had gone all starchy and rubbish, ate it anyhow with chilli, then spoke to Matt for a couple of hours (as not seen him for 17hrs over the weekend).
Chatting to mates on the phone, makes me hyper, like you're actually socialising with them, so was still wide awake at 10.20pm, phoned Whitter who was dozing on the sofa!
What is it about my napping friends?

Chatted about the fancy dress, digicams, the girlies and the like!

Up to bed, read, then laid awake waiting for Steven to post the key!

None of us wanted to get up this morning,even Luth shot me a filthy look as the alarm was ringing! Sooorreeyyy!

Mixed emotions this morning, kite in hand and brother gone, well it's hardly likely i'll do any work today, emailed Caroline and Ruth, just spoke to Andy, went to Readies at lunch to look for a Brabantia kitchen bin, £80 ouch!

Came away with more jeans and new brassiere!

Similar!

Allergic to Stella

Rock on...................ace weekend!

Friday, left work with a booming head, I'm blaming all these fooking fireworks, despised by me and my cats equally!
Called at Mother's for her to thank us for presents, theatre tickets and the like, older brother and bird were just leaving, middle brother arrived with bird and her offspring, he seemed to fill the whole house with his presence, wolfed my cake down and escaped before migraine worsened.

Now i only have an hour to get ready and get to Commercial, boycott tea Karen, who needs to eat??!

Me, you divvy............3 pints later leaving the pub with Matt, His Dad, Katy and Grant...........yep i was pissed!

Bad move..........the party had started at 7pm, we polled in at 9pm, after several miss calls from AP, still i'm here now Andy..........look and i can hardly walk, are you proud?

It all went down hill from then on, it was an ace party, it was heaving with all the clicky gang and their partners, all luckily well on their way too, close behind me though, 4 bottles of Stella later, that was it, curtain close.............black out...........utter utter dribbling disgrace.

Vaguely remember using Andy's phone to call a cab, but do not remember saying bye, leaving, getting home, undressing, having filthy sex in the living room, letting Andy out, going to bed.............DOH!
I am such a twat!!!


Saturday, was ready as instructed at 1.30pm, to be Matt's bearded wife at the marriage of his cousin and her fella.

So donned on wedding outfit, topped off with the blood shot eyes look, rancid Stella seeping from every pore, church service was fine,after we'd moved pews 4 times, Matt cried, i didn't sing all things bright and beautiful as it was the wrong tune, some mad old bird wanted to bring her dog Rocky to the church and had even bought him a bow tie, but she wasn't allowed.

Caroline was more hung-over than me as she'd necked a bottle of JD at her own party, unlucky!

Nipped to Matt's parents after the church service as he'd forgotten his script, it was a good job really as i needed cellotape to stick my hem up and Matt's Mum was desperate for lambrini.

Arrived at Golf club, had some photos done, necked 2 bucks fizz, Dinner was served at 4.30pm, Matt did a sterling job of his toast master duties. The meal was lovely, we were sat on a table full of ushers (all called James) and the thirstiest bridesmaid in Britain, so we ate and drank and were merry, the speeches came and went, 3 glasses of wine, 2 bucks fizz, 1/2 lager and champagne later, i was feeling fab, 7pm and we're all sat in the bar area, Warren was clutching a bottle of white wine, slurring, the rest of the Stephenson's singing all the lyrics to "i know an old woman who swallowed a fly" at the top of their voices..........stop it you're scaring me!

One of Matt's relatives, Alex (the tallest 8 yr old in the world, honestly he'd have got served at the bar if he'd tried), had latched on to the party table, so it's 7pm........too late to go to the club as planned.........Warren pipes up "get Andy on here, well i want him to come, i'll ring him".
Yeah of course Andy is going to pass up a night out with all the rugga bugga lads, away from mullered bird, to come to a wedding where he hasn't been invited, to turn up on his tod, purely so he can dance to 70's cheese and maybe if he's lucky New york new York at the end of the night, so he can see if he can kick his legs higher than any other of the pissed up wedding guests!

20 minutes later he arrived, all suited and booted wearing a pink tie, that would have looked suitable for a night out round Wakey!
Caroline's mumbling "he's in lurve".........I was SO happy to see him (nothing to do with wanting to get away from the party family).

What a top night, i fooking love weddings! mint buffet, i had pie, chips and peas, Matt's Mum wanted double helping of lasagne and chips, Warren was the drunkest man in the world, Caroline was going barmy, the d'j kept moving him away from the speakers as he was spinning round and nearly knocking all the decks over........funny as fuck!
Apart from when he spilt a full pint of bitter all over the bottom tier of the wedding cake, not so funny!

So he's getting Andy up to jig about like a loony and do aeroplane impressions, dear dear!
Matt is dancing with Auntie Jean, 8yr old Alex is saying "your boyfriend is dancing with another woman, aren't you jealous", tried to explain i was with Andy and was not Matt's girlfriend, this seemed to fall on deaf ears, as he said "you don't even know Andy!"

Andy then got me up to slow dance, ha ha take that Alex, look how nice my boyfriend is.
10 pints later, we'd all made complete twats of ourselves, done the obligatory wedding jigging around, beer slopping, telling everyone you love them, convincing yourself that the really fit usher wants to get in your knickers, telling the bride this is the best wedding you have ever been to (even though you don't know her), back chatting the barman, then leering at your boyfriends backside while thinking what a mess you'll make of that when you get home.

1am, Caroline phoned a 5 man cab and threw me and Andy out at the cottages, where we promptly fell asleep within about 30 seconds!!!

Up at 8am Sunday, no hangover what so ever, maybe eating is the way forward..........
Had some loving then slept a while longer after AP had gone home, looking a hell of a lot rougher than me, pink tie and cufflinks both in trouser pocket........

Did feck all yesterday, washed 2 loads and went to Marlene's for an hour, she was decidedly chipper, bizarre! saying "oh hello, this is a nice surprise aren't you going out for Sunday shandies?"
Went to bed very early last night, slept like a log, am refreshed and raring to go today!
After another fun packed, drinking, shagging weekend in the life of MOI!

fishing

Who added fishing to my interest?
sleeping thats what i do best.

Mischief night

Y.............awn............2 hrs to weekend, tic tic tic!

Lots to do tonight, need to collect Ruthrack at 5.30pm, fly to Marlenes (not literally), sing "happy birthday", eat cake...........ya di ya!

Then home, let cats out, bath, hair wash, slap on, dry and straighten hair, apply more fake tan to enable me to look tangoed for tomorrows wedding!
Eat tea...Then get to Commical for 7.30pm to meet me date, Matty Stephenson, Katy F and Granty (bloody rubbish boyfriend going early to do important boy stuff, like set up firework display, stoke chimnea and prepare home made toffee apples and bongs).

So you see, i'm going to be rushing, need to go now really and get started, doing fuck all here!

Events of the day:
On the hour
9am prepare bacon sandwiches, cheese toasties, cereal & chopped banana, wash up.

10am Load 50 kiddies books, videos and hats into car boot for Father to wrap up for Santa for church Xmas party, email Ruth, Matt, Caroline, phone Sarah in Sunny and be amazed she is up and natter about trains and Newcastle weekend pending.

11am Go to White rose for a fishing book and nurofen for David, swap straighteners for goodies for me and nice wine for party tonight.

12 midday look on tinternet, type Daniel's engagement party list onto excell, read Emma's and Sarah's blogs, empty bins, go to pret a mange to get David's lunch.

1pm, Lunchtime, eat pack up and have a rest for 1hr.

2pm, Txt back Ms. Farquahar and AP, Chat to Michael who is nicking casio keyboards and putting them on ebay while his brother is at the dentist.

3pm, getting fed up, start blogging, shout at Leigh for being a spastic, pay gardener, start looking for Dave another bird on Jdate..........deep joy!

Like i say, i'd be better utilising my time at home, maybe just coming in a couple of hours a day and getting the same amount of work done.

4 Hours till the pub..........YIPPEE!

While the cats away...

Oh deary me. I am in the bad books.

Matt was on a training course in London over night, so I called up Melissa to keep me company while laddo was away. I had a couple of bottles of wine and we were going to have bangers and mash and wine for tea and she was staying over.

Thing was, we scoffed our bangers and mash super quick, drank a bottle of wine each in record time, ran out of booze so decided to go out. I have got some ace new tight jeans and some 80’s style pixie boots, so I was dying to get my new clothes on and flex them round town! Hee hee! Jumped into a cab and went first to my mates bar in town. Had a bottle of Stella I’ll twat you and went to the Cellar bar. Spead drunk 2 double vodkas. An ace jazz band were playing who I want to book for my wedding (one day) but failed to get any details about them as I was too plastered.
Went to North bar where Melissa got a dodgy belguim beer in a ladies glass showing off and I got a pint of something.
I was becoming quite concerened that my Matthew hadn’t called to check up on me as he is usually quite possessive. I got it in my head that he wouldn’t like it that I was out in town as he thinks I’m a cocaine whore and I will get up to no good (he’s got a bit of a point, but I’m not like that anymore!) so I thought I would call him and lie BADLY about where I was! I said I was dropping by at Melissa’s as we were getting booze from the shop (?) he then pointed out it was 11.30pm and i wouldn’t get any booze at that time, so I then said I was waiting outside for Melissa as she was getting booze from in the house. WHY??!! She lives in Bramley on a really quiet street too. Then a police car went past and a couple of piss heads shouting stuff at me. He then called me a fake and a phoney and he wished he’d never layed eyes on me.

I then text him and told him I was in town sh*t faced and I wouldn’t talk to any boys. He didn’t reply.

Went to Mojo’s and had magic measures of vodka and a couple of Jeigermeisters each, chatted up some boys, saw someone I slept with when I first moved to Leeds at 20 called Ryan. He is so horrible as well! But as I was drunk I felt the need to summon him over for chat. Met a couple of FIT army boys from Harrogate who came over to us (we were propping up the bar on high chairs) Melissa got the fit tall one and as usual, the midget one chatted me up. Told him I had a lovely boyfriend who does nothing round the house etc. I then need the loo and got off my high bar chair and he shat his pants! I must have been a whole foot taller than him! Realised I couldn’t walk, cracked my head badly on the wall (I’ve got a mini egg this morning) and staggered off to the bogs. What a twat!
Really cannot remember for the life of me anything else. Nor can Melissa. All I know is that I woke up in my bed this morning with my contacts still in, in just my knickers. Melissa, however, woke up fully clothed with her boots still on and her bag on her shoulder still!! It was the funniest sight ever! Then Matt called me and had a full 2 hour rant about what a cunt I am. I totally agreed. I said ‘I have let myself down and worse of all you down. You mean the world to me and I’m sorry.’ That seemed to do it until Melissa raucaussley howled from the bathroom.
Finally got into work at 10.30am. I stink of booze and I’ve just done a piss that smells of jegermeister. And felt proud!
Off to fakin Laaandon tonight straight from work to see Bro who has just bought a flat and hook up with lovely boyfrind who is still down there. We are off to a bonfire in Clapham tomozza then driving back Sunday. I feel like roadkill and not looking forward to the sweaty journey down. Oh well, I’ve got my fake chanel holdal and a good book to assist me.
Just got a text from boy, he’s in a pizza shop in London and a dude has just said ‘sort me out with a 7 “ pizza yeah?’ Funny.

Sigh

46 minutes and counting.

Yawn.

Jesus H. Christ

I am so bored that I may have to go home early.

How can it be only twenty to four. I am ready to die here, of boredom. Help me please.

I have a scalpel. Do you thing that playing with that will entertain me for 80 minutes? I can't even cut off the thick dry skin from my heels as I did that on Sunday with my penknife.

I can look online to see what shades of hairdye one can buy (I want a very dark non chocolatey one).

Then I can read a bit I suppose.

Having a poo will kill ten minutes.

I could do my filing.

And the papers for my course tomorrow need to go into a folder and that will take 30 seconds.

Oh god. If this is what its going to be like for the next 35 years - please God, juts press fast forward till I'm 65!

Yawn,

Well that killed 3 minutes, only 77 minutes to go.

The BEST thing about my boyfriend

On a Tuesday evening!
Instead of watching Holby City and Love soup (both ace), i get to watch the football while he sits and scratches his bollocks at the side of me on the sofa!!!

How good is that?
I feel positively blessed.

Weeks news.
Monday Monday.....worked, (saw ex boyfriend Jake and his wife Kate at the Crownpoint at lunchtime), home, few light chores, chilli pasta, t.v., bed, book, (Both Kay and Matt phoned while i was in bed).
V. bad night sleep approx 4-5 hrs..not enough!

Tuesday.....fannied around all day yesterday, we're doing very little as there is a lull in the business, David was in party time mode and shrink wrapped me to my chair in the afternoon.
Deep joy!

Last night, ironed, had bagel and soup, Matt phoned :o(
Andy turned up and took all the stuff for the raffle, before Spug took it to the club herself!
Watched the footie as you know, Gabe phoned he wants us there at 2pm next Friday (i am willing Andy gets the job in Halifax, but doesn't start until a week on Monday, then he can still come and i don't have to spend a 2 hr drive to Newcastle with Nick on my own).

Andy left v. late, watched love soup on tape, even though lack of sleep the previous night had caught up on me. Bed, read one chapter and slept for 8hrs solid...........hooray!

Wednesday.........that would be today, done v.little so far, made breakfasts (yes i am the company wife),going to Barnsley now to pick up a kite, then going for my hair cut at 1pm, calling at Marlo's on the way home, Steven has some bootleg fags for me...........yippee, plus need to take Mums Birthday card and present (for Friday).

Then need to call at Brother David's as it's his birthday tomorrow...busy bee!

Not going to quiz tomorrow as midweek drinking just fucks me for the weekend and i've a busy one coming up.

The wedding on Saturday when i am to be Matt's bearded wife.
Friday Warren and Caroline's firework party, after snogging at the door last night.
Andy
"Shall i meet you at Woz's on Friday?"

Me
"No, i don't want to turn up on my own, come and get me or meet me somewhere first".

Andy
"I'll meet you first then, at Woz's hhahhhaaaaaaaa".

The git!
Thing is when you're at outspoken, opinionated bolshy individual, then try an act like a little girl lost........" i don't want to turn up to the party on my own, please don't leave me i won't know anyone".

I doesn't wash!

P.S i hope Matt will meet me beforehand.

And the weekend before that

OK this is the posting for the weekend before last. Not much happened but I don't want to annoy anyone by not posting and I certainly don't want to appear as dull as Rich so here we are:

Chris and Jayne came up for the weekend. They rang to say that they'd be arriving at about 6pmish so I prepared to leave work to get the 25 past 5 train home. Janet asked if I wanted a drink so I said I was meeting C&J and di she want to come along to the pub across from my flat she daid yes so we set off.

It was pissing it down and the trains were delayed and when the train arrived it was so full we couldn't get on so we decided to get a cab but the cabs were all taking 30 mins and just then C&J rang and said they'd pick us up. Which they did 20 minutes later after getting lost. By this time we were drenched and a bit manic after singing too long to help us ignore the rain but we got into the pub and had a rum in Nelson's Immortal Memory and all chatted away. Then Andrew arrived and shortly after we went to the City Road Inn for Karaoke.

We had a good time. I sang, Chris sang, Janet sang, Andrew sang, me and Andrew sang, We all sang, me and Janet sang! Then Jan went home and we all got a bite to eat and ventured onto Canal Street. Andrew popped off on his own after a while. C&J danced and I got bought a drink by a couple of benders and we all had a nice time. Late to bed and late up in the morning.

Wandered round the shops. I bought some clove fags which were awful - Djarum are not as nice as Gudang Garam. Bought Alan Clark's final diaries in a cheap bookshop for £3 making the set and River Cottage year there too (for £13 less than it was in selfridges). Went for a nice drink, went for a nice chinese. I paid. Then we went home and Andrew went out for a bit of Andrew-time. Me and C&J watched TV and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Sunday got up, lazed around. C&J went at about 1.30. I didn't do much, Andrew went out to meet an old friend and ended up being out till 8pm which didn't make me too happy as he could have at least let me know but then we played Scrabble and Carcassone and had a nice evening.

My weekend

My weekend was reasonably uneventful:

Had 4 pints before I got home (at 8pm) on Friday, watched TV played scrabble, had pizza delivered.

Saturday - didn't do anything during the day. Went out at 20.25 for about two and a half hours. Andrew did well on the slot machines - I did badly on the quiz machines.

Sunday - didn't do a great deal during the day - washed 3 loads of washing, made pumpkin soup. Walked Andrew to railway station as he was working 19.00 - 05.00. Went to M&S on way back and got free bus home. Spoke to Karen for 2½ hours. Went to bed at 1am.