Board games, Batley and boredom

So i was set free from my desk at approximately 5pm on Friday, drove to Ruth and Marks and gave them a lift to mine.

Put tea in the oven then had a quick bath, while Ruth and Mark were glued to the Simpson's, we ate our tea and demolished a luxury box of M&S chocolate biscuits, as you do!
Tina, Beth, Spug, Dean and Rach arrived at 8pm, laden down with beer, wine and fags.......we all watched Eastenders (how good is it now Grant and Phil are back?)
Then got the Triv out, after 2 hours we'd only got 4 pieces of pie between us, Tina and i got no questions right, not because we're thick or anything!
Spug pointed out that we'd still be playing on Tuesday if we didn't give it up as a bad job, so we packed up at 11pm and got Scene it out, ooh it's a good game, we played 4 times, by this time we'd demolished a couple of crates of beer and 2 boxes of wine, i was mullered, Tina and Beth left 1st and the other followed suit at 3am, i was fucked, emptied bins, ashtrays, plumped cushions back up and took all glasses and empty can in kitchen, fell into bed at going up to 4................no good!

Saturday didn't rise till 2.30pm, oh me! what a state, gingerly crept downstairs, carpet needed some attention, lager stain and bits all over, also having 6 smokers in one room for 7 hours is not ideal, washed up, vacced, washed all rugs, filled bird feeders and managed to get some scrambled eggs on toast down me without gagging!

Decided to stay in that night in my p.j's get a Chinese, have a night OFF the beer and save some cash, 6.30pm I'm sat in the club with Katy F, Caroline and Warren (how the fuck did that happen?).....Spug was barmaid, Little AP, crept over and asked my permission to go to Batley wi lads, Caroline's chin was on the floor........hahhaaaaa!
Told him he was allowed to go, then he started getting really cheeky and saying your not going to hang up on me and not answer my calls tomorrow...................don't push your luck boyo!!

It was a funny old night, once the 20 or so Rugby lads got their cabs to Batley, the club was empty, apart from the sound of Donna Summer coming from the function room.
Deano stayed a bit, Warren and Caz stayed till they'd run out of money, 2/3rds of the Dublin posse sat and drank ourselves into oblivion, there were tears and laughter in equal measures.......Andy phoned at midnight absolutely rangooned and started being all soppy on the phone, bet he was blushing the next day!

We dropped a tearful Katy off at home waiting for her Man, Spug and i went to get pizza (Spug paid bless, note to self get Spug a bigger Xmas pressie than anyone else).
Dropped her off home, was stood in kitchen at 1am, jigging about as the need for a wee wasn't as strong as the lure of the Horncastle special pizza!

Sunday, woke at 4.30am.......layed awake tutting till 6.30am, dropped back off till 11am.........up and to Tesco in frantic rush as Steven wanted to borrow my car, stripped both beds, washed 2 loads of clothes, all bedding, 1 load of towels and fucking handwash kashmir cardigan.
Andy phoned, v.hungover, he said he wasn't up for doing much, told him i was in my pyjamas and wasn't shifting.........agreed we'd see eachother tomorrow!

Realised at 3pm, that the clocks had gone back, i'm such a knob head!
Put clean bedding on both beds, had some sausage, beans and toast, ligged on the sofa watching the sound of music.................."the hills are alive".

Tried to nap, to no avail, ate warmed up pizza, sighed for a while, nodded gladly at tidy clean bedrooms, tutted some more, tried to teach Meg backflips, the Matty phoned at 8pm HURRAH!
As always, it was a quick chat, at 10.20pm got at Txt from Whitter saying "who you gassing to?"

So we signed off at 10.40pm, both excited about Saturdays wedding and agreeing we have parallel lives.
Phoned Sam who phoned me back after she'd bathed, chatted for 20 mins, getting an East coast update, plus decorating glam bedroom is all now finished!
Steven returned my car at 11.10pm, he came in for a cup of tea and a chat, 8 days to Oz tic tic tic, slung him out at midnight, knock at the door, i've forgotton my van keys at home! Knobhead number 2, gave him my car keys back and heard him post them through the door at 12.30.

Monday morning again, am fooked, David back from Mexico and is running me ragged with mad errands.
I want to be at home, under the duvet watching a DVD with my nice boyfriend..........working is NO GOOD!

My go

NAME: Matt

SEX: Man, definitely a man, and woe betide anyone who confuses homosexuality with reduced masculinity. I am not a she-male, I am not half and half and I am not the third sex! Okay!

WHO DO YOU LIVE WITH: Erm, alone. Honest!

HOME: Manchester City Centre Fuck Pad

NICKNAMES: (Smiley, Bernard, Noddy in the past), Matty

BIRTHPLACE: Staincliffe Hospital

HOBBIES: I’d like to be assoiciated with the words of the previous blogger: sex, eating, drinking, smoking, cooking, reading

HAIR COLOR: Erm, brown … okay greying brown, sort of salt and pepper

EVER DYED YOUR HAIR: Yes, its dyed now, not bleached like Karen’s but dyed

BIGGEST FEAR: either being told I am going to die (I don’t fear death buy I do fear the run up) or being buried alive

DAY OF THE WEEK: Erm, Thursday probably

SEASON: Autumn

MONTH: November

FOOD: Chinese or Italian or English

BEST FRIEND: Karen, Matthew, Matty, Doug, Rich, Alan

SPEND MOST TIME WITH: On my own

FUNNIEST: Warren

SMARTEST: Do I count, if not then Doug – he’s got a PhD!!!

HOTTEST: Well Andrew of course!

MOST ATHLETIC: Michelle – she runs!

MOST OUTGOING: Erm, well Andrew will talk to anyone.

MOST NEGATIVE: Hmm, probably Rich

MOST TRUSTWORTHY: Well Rich or Karen or Warren depending on what it was

MOST FUN TO BE WITH: Hmm, can’t say – they’re all fun to be with but all in different

ways

BIGGEST FLIRT: Flirt, hmm, Ed, Nora, Spug, me actually, Jon is a huge flirt, MJ’s a slut

DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY: Not particularly but when I do I am firm friends

ARE YOU INTIMIDATED BY YOUR FRIENDS: Not at all

MOST POPULAR: Karen probably

MOST UNPOPULAR: Rich probably – that’s what you get mixing with the rat men!

WHO DO YOU WISH COULD BE PART OF YOUR FAMILY: Well my mum wants Karen to be part of my family, will that do?

WHO DO YOU HAVE THE MOST INSIDE JOKES WITH: Probably Matty – and all quotes from films or musicals

RED OR BLUE: Blue

PRETZELS OR CHIPS: Chips deffo

JEANS OR KHAKIS: Khakis, although I hate that term.

COMEDY OR DRAMA: Probably comedy. Depends on what it is.

COMPUTER OR TV: Computer – then you can get radio and internet and keep up with what’s going on on TV

GOLD OR SILVER: To wear would be silver but if someone was to give me a kilo, I’d prefer gold!

GUY OR GIRL: Guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy,

SEXY OR CUTE: Cute

SUMMER OR WINTER: Winter

LOVE OR LUST: Both – I can’t decide … love I think to be honest, although lust ain’t so bad either.

FRIENDS OR FAMILY: Friends, definitely

DOG OR CAT: Dog, I hate cats (except Karen’s which I tolerate because of the admiration and love I have for her)

WALK OR RUN: Well to echo Karen, sprint … then after 20 yards, run … then after another 30 yards walk and then stop and light up a fag and hail a taxi.

MCDONALD'S OR BURGER KING: . I don’t even need to delete Karen’s comments – I agree entirely: McDonalds for chips and McChicken Sandwiches but the Whopper is perfection in a bun

BRITNEY OR CHRISTINA: Oh god – neither, KYLIE!!! Again, I don’t even need to delete Karen’s comments – I agree entirely. May god bless her and her poorly boobies.

BLANKET OR SLEEPING BAG: Duvet, or continental quilt as my beloved old grannie used to call em.

SHOWER OR BATH: Shower

BODY WASH OR SOAP: Soap, Imperial Leather too

TESCO OR SAINSBURY: Sainsbury

NIKE OR ADIDAS: Neither – I am so not a label queen. My labels are St Michael, TM Lewin, George, Cedarwood State and Thomas Nash

HOT TUB OR SAUNA: How can you even ask, it’s a steam room stupid – that’s where all the sex is. Have you never been to a gay sauna!

SNEEZE OR COUGH: Ooh a sneeze – they say if you have 10 you have an orgasm.

DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH: Yes, Michael O Callahan at the minute, but I still fancy Ed Hutchings and Mark Power and Alan Revel and Neil from the pub and even Dirty Danny a bit. Oh and the other Danny, and Liam and James M and Blacky … oh the list is endless.

IF YOU COULD KISS ANYONE IN THE WORLD, WHO WOULD IT BE: Oh I can’t say. Its too big a question.

IF YOU COULD DATE ANYONE IN THE WORLD, WHO WOULD IT BE: Again too big a question. I can’t answer it

DUMPER OR DUMPED: Dumpee

IS THERE A PERSON FOR EVERYONE: Shiyali Ramamrita Ranganathan, the fatrer of indian library science said “every reader his book, every book its reader” meaning no matter how weird your reading desires, there’s always a book for you and no matter how weird the book there’s someone wahting to read it. Similarly I think that there is a perfect person for everyone but to be honest nobody is going to meet them. There are 6000000000 people on this planet and we’re not even going to meet a hundredth of one percent so the chances of us stumbling on the person is 100% perfect for us is slim. There’s lots of people who are 90% perfect so let’s not be too picky and realise that a bird (or bloke) in the hand is worth two in the bush!

WHO'S YOURS: Well I don’t know. He’d be younger than me, cute, versatile, funny, like a fag and a drink. Hmm, that sounds familiar actually!!

Thank crunchie it's Friday

Drinking 7 pints of lager on a school night, is neither big or clever!

But really funny!

Had an ace night, he's so lovely!!
I always thought once i had him in the palm of my hand, i wouldn't want him...how wrong can one be?

Had 3 in spoons, saw Joff, Chris Rhodes, Spug, Rach, Dean and Toffy............popular haunt.

Met Matt's Dad at the quiz, Woz turned up, had 4 more beers in there, we won the quiz and it was down to me as they didn't know who wrote Women in Love or the 3 band members in the Thomson twins.......

Hahhaaaa i'm a winner, "look how clever your bird is Andy".

Although, i think i need to spice my stories up a bit, he gets really excited when telling tales, his face lights up, he looks all animated and laughs like a drain.

When i try tell him that something similar happened to me, he listens, then seems to be waiting for the punchline after i've delivered it.

Suppose all my good stories involve shagging (other people than him) and being so drunk i'm sick down myself...classy!!

Anyhow, i'm not going to worry.........

So we were mullered, all the lights had been turned off at the Wickham, Richard gave us a lift home, vaguely remember drinking Beth's beer and being frightened by Frank Skinners hair on the t.v......
Up to bedfordshire, had a shag, up at 6.30am for a repeat performance.

He left at 9.10am, i fell into work at 10am, clutching a pack of bacon as a piece offering to work colleagues.

This evening WE ARE STAYING IN, it's true..........i say it every week, but it's actually happened.
8 of us are collating at the cottages, for Trivial pursuits and more wine and nibbles than you can shake a stick at.

Andy is going to the Sportsmans dinner at Scholes cricket club, Ross's father has bought him a table for his 18th, and he's chosen 10 mates to join him..bless!
They'll be dining, then drinking brandy, smoking cigars and congratulating each other on being masters of the universe!

BUT they'll be no strippers, they're at the "gentlemens dinners".....silly me!

He actually wanted to come and play triv. though!!!

An oldie but goodie

NAME: Karen
SEX: She-man
WHO DO YOU LIVE WITH: Alone
HOME: spooky cottage
NICKNAMES: Kazza, Horns
BIRTHPLACE: Crossley maternity home
HOBBIES: sex, eating, drinking, smoking, cooking, reading
HAIR COLOR: blonde
EVER DYED YOUR HAIR: Yes every 28 days
BIGGEST FEAR: getting home from work, to find i've been burgled and someone has killed my cats
DAY OF THE WEEK: Tuesday
SEASON: Autumn
MONTH: December
FOOD: Indian
BEST FRIEND: Sam, Matty.........ooh loads of chinas
SPEND MOST TIME WITH: myself
FUNNIEST: Erm, Bro or Helen
SMARTEST: Suggs
HOTTEST: Kay...grr!
MOST ATHLETIC: MJ
MOST OUTGOING: Helen
MOST NEGATIVE: i can't say
MOST TRUSTWORTHY: ??
MOST FUN TO BE WITH: 3 bellies
BIGGEST FLIRT: Spug
DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY: nope, 1 a year
ARE YOU INTIMIDATED BY YOUR FRIENDS: No
MOST POPULAR: Matty
MOST UNPOPULAR: You know who
WHO DO YOU WISH COULD BE PART OF YOUR FAMILY: ??
WHO DO YOU HAVE THE MOST INSIDE JOKES WITH:Steven
RED OR BLUE: red
PRETZELS OR CHIPS: Chips of course
JEANS OR KHAKIS: Jeans, all the way
COMEDY OR DRAMA: Drama
COMPUTER OR TV: TV
GOLD OR SILVER: Gold, bling bling!
GUY OR GIRL: What do you think?
SEXY OR CUTE: Cute
SUMMER OR WINTER: Winter
LOVE OR LUST: shaking hands
FRIENDS OR FAMILY: Friends
DOG OR CAT: Cat
WALK OR RUN: sprint
MCDONALD'S OR BURGER KING: Now there’s a question, I’d say McDonalds for chips and McChicken sandwiches but the Whopper is perfection in a bun.
BRITNEY OR CHRISTINA: Oh god – neither, KYLIE!!!
BLANKET OR SLEEPING BAG: Duvet darling
SHOWER OR BATH: Bath
BODY WASH OR SOAP: Soap, Imperial Leather
TESCO OR SAINSBURY: Tesco and M&S
NIKE OR ADIDAS: Adidas
HOT TUB OR SAUNA: Sauna, noone can see your wobbly bits
SNEEZE OR COUGH: sneeze
DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH: No
IF YOU COULD KISS ANYONE IN THE WORLD, WHO WOULD IT BE: Doh
IF YOU COULD DATE ANYONE IN THE WORLD, WHO WOULD IT BE: Ditto
DUMPER OR DUMPED: Dumper usually
IS THERE A PERSON FOR EVERYONE: If he's not Mr. Right, he can be Mr. right now
WHO'S YOURS:hee hee

Bored, bored, bored

Only 2 sleeps to weekend.

This week is really dragging..........no David = no work to do!!!

Thing is everyone else loves it, all the Jews are dancing,running their card schools, betting on line, stuffing their faces, coming i late, disappearing for hours on end.

I'd rather be at home, than just plonked here clock watching.
I know I'm being paid for being here but still!!!!

Need to call at Marlo's on the way home, not seen her for over a week (am in the bad books as she's always the last to know), last night did nowt much, watched the box, chatted to Matt and Ruth on the phone, early to bed to read.

Monday watched t.v with Andy and spoke to Chris on the phone (r.e Festive weekend at the Buxton mansion), all very mundane.....but nice.

Maybe it's the weather that makes us moggy?

Still lots of exciting events pending.
Nicolas wedding.
Newcastle night out (wonder what AP will make of my mad mates?)
Whitters B/day party.
Theatre with Marlo.
Hannah's Bat Mitzvah.
3 bellies Birthday.

Plus Steven goes to Oz in 12 days.

Only 58 days to Christmas too!
But i'm still fooking bored, i can't shake it off..............i want to do something mad, i feel like a chicken cooped up.

Ahhhh!!!!!

Sarah's alive!

It's true...........i have the proof, unless someone has hacked into her email and replied to me!!??!

See what you think, does it sound like her?

MOI:
Where the hell have you been hiding, the Dublin posse were discussing last week, than none of us have heard sight nor sound from you since we all got back.


I know you txt me about Leanne but really, i need to know what's going on with SS etc, are you still planning on backing out of Dawn's 40th?

What's the plan for your birthday?

How's the "studying" going, is Dan's still a tip?

I'll stop asking questions now as i know i'll only confuse you!


SARAH?
I'M confused!!!!!!!!! soorry for being so shit!

Well miss horns, i'm been a good girl and trying to study hard! i have a week off this week and was going to come home but have far too much work to do! boo hoo

If i finish this assignment i will come to Dawns birthday just to celebrate.

I'm not talking to Simon not that he has noticed yet, bet i give in first! he's a knob!

Had a really good night the other Friday with him i was happy as Larry!

Simon was going out Sat. with his mates i was quite pleased about this too, cause he don't go out with them enough but that is just my opinion and one i keep to myself

anyway he totally ignored all text s for following week Twat! Then turned up Friday tea time saying, he didn't text cause he was pissed off about Saturday night he'd got in to a fight or something. Was i there NO! was it my fault no! so why take it out on me twat!!!

anyway it just get better, i asked him which pub ect. So hes stood in front of me going oh just one in town blar bl;ar can't remember which one too drunk.

however once he'd gone home Dan came in we got chatting yer yer i know he got kicked out of a pub in loddon says dan (loddon is where Simons ex girlriend lives miles away no way would he have driven home!)

i really couldn't give a shit if he want s to go out with her what annoys me is he lied about where he'd been WHATs the POINT unless ya have something to hide.

so here i am sulking and he prob even hasn't got a clue that i am! twat.


Katie made me laugh asking if Richard had a girlfriend yet!!!

so how are you ? and your loved one is he better ?

anyway ya can blog my rambling if ya find anything in it interesting

must get back yo work!

x

sod the assignment fill me in on the recent gossip

have ya seen westlife?

is matt still in love with Andy?

who was spug shagging





Sarah x

MOI:
Ooh sorry i was tidying out the back room, nicking samples for xmas and birthdays pending.

Yep Matt still in love and giving Andrew a roof over his head, MJ emailed today and says you have to come home for your birthday on the 18th, then we can all go to Aldos.

Andy very much better, he was round last night being all in love with me, i can't get my head round it, he's scaring me!

SS is a FOOL, what's he playing at?

Why is me going near his ex-bird, when he has you?

Did you make it to Ipswich on time?

Karen x

I dunno if the spelling is bad enough for the Sarah we know and love, it could be an imposter!!??

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the ra pe allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness.

Silly boys and funny shaped balls

Shot out of work, 5pm sharp on Friday, whizzed round the white rose, got back to car with gold ballet shoes and spangley gold handbag........ace!

Home, did my roots, had some toast, shaved my legs, bath/hairwash fake tanned, got ready and Dean and Rach picked me up in a cab, collected Spug and we were in spoons at 8.15pm.

Met Ruth, who immediately banished all the boys (more or less told them to sling their hook), we sat there for 2 1/2 hrs, thing is! no one bats an eyelid when Ruth gets a full bottle of wine to herself, likewise when the next round is a jug of cocktails per person, BUT when i came back from the bar with a demijohn of scrumpy cider, complete with it's own handle, everyone falls about laughing and get their camera phones out............idiots!

Chatted to James and James, Ruth, Spug and Rach went to the Malt Shovel, i went to sloppies to get a Chicken Bhuna (with it being 10.30pm), Bugsy Bev was in there with rough as fuck boyfriend, ate my curry at home and was in bed for 11pm.............how rubbish am i?

Saturday........should have stayed in bed, up with the larks though........spent 5 hours abluting the house (we're are talking skirting boards and down on your hands and knees wearing rubber gloves to remove embedded cat hair from staircase), did 2 loads of washing and stripped bed, went to tescos, was driving up Whitcliffe road and saw a cat get run over, it was writhing round in agony, cried all the way home (BAD omen) and got my moggies indoors so no harm could come to them!

Had a cooked breakfast, then drove to Marlene's, past dead cat at side of road.
Noone home, fuckers.....went to Ruth's noone there either, called back at Mum's still noone home, drove home tutting, read book, then got ready, donning new special party outfit!

Picked Katy up in a taxi at 6.30pm, got to club, Dean, Rach and baby Megan stayed a while, Spug was yawning having had another night of action on Ruth's floor the previous evening!
So 4 shandies later and no sign of AP with my disco ticket, Katy's sister, Mum and her friend arrived, everyone wanted to go through to main room to get good seats for the Elvis night.........(but i haven't got a ticket, bloody rubbish boyfriend nowhere to be seen), John Porritt appears, Andy's in hospital with concussion, he's taken a right battering on the rugby pitch.

Selfish bastard, that's my night ruined, i haven't spent £63 on Judith Chalmers, gold lame stylee outfit for him not to see it, Craig Blackburn let me in without paying, had a shandy, then 1/2 hr later i'd got a taxi up home, got in my car and am sat at his bedside in Dewsbury general, where he's cracking jokes, about the only reason he collapsed and threw up everywhere was Mick Collin's lager, while broddling his belly button and showing all his cuts and grazes.

Think he was quite worried actually......bless, nurse came round and checked his blood pressure, shone a torch into his eyes (no point checking if there's anyone at home love, he always looks this gormless), so i'm sat there, grinning away like loyal bird, in my party outfit looking like Avaline out of bread, he's rabbiting away 50 to the dozen, old man in bed opposite is trying to escape the ward wearing his underpants, Andy's tutting and saying " i was hoping he was going home tonight, then i could have the ward to myself, Match of the day's on in a minute" that'll be my queue to fuck off, gave him a kiss and he said he phone me when he got home.

Got back to club in car and had a quick shandy, 11pm at this point, nipped to the loo, then heard someone follow me in, just to wash their hands, Hmmm! something tells me it's Andy's mother, came out of loo and she's grinning away........i suppose it was quite sweet of her really and saves us being introduced, so we're both rolling our eyes "what's he like", Me and Gill Porritt new best mates. Hahahhaaaaaaaa

Home soon after my pint, waved at the in-laws on the way out, so in my p.j's having a bagel, some crisps and vino (what a great Saturday night), watched the Sixth Sense on video and went to bed at 2am.

Sunday up at 11am, quick coffee, toast and set off to Derby at 11.45am, got stuck behind a wide load tail back at Sheffield, so it took forever to get there.
Still, arrived safely at Borrowash towers, at 1.15pm.

Andy rang at 2pm, to tell me he was home and had to take it easy for a couple of days, honestly talk about laying it on thick.

The extension, new floor and all is looking lovely.........10 men Bates has done a sterling job, Sam being Sam, had a house full and was busying about as per.
She fed us all, then dragged me round B&Q and Homebase, then Sainsbury's, leaving some random called Steve alone in her house drilling holes and fiddling with the boiler.........don't ask!
Molly was so funny, she's chuntering "this is what we do every weekend, trail round DIY stores and sometimes if we're lucky we get to go to the tip and all we eat are yoghurts".
Freya was just being Freya although she looked a tad worried when i told her she'd get arrested for pressing the "assistance please" button at the paint mixing counter.

Home, i unpacked the shopping while Sam shot upstairs with her matchpots and started slapping them on the bedroom walls, honestly she was like a kid with sweets!
Paul picked the girls up at 6pm, Sam and i dined by candlelight (was full as a butchers pup), whilst talking about live, loves and erm, paint!

Sat another couple of hours, drinking coffee and fagging it, then i departed up the M1 and was home at 10pm.
Had a bubble bath, fed cats and fell into bed after what seemed like the longest weekend ever.

Note to self, getting up A.M both Saturday and Sunday, enables you to actually do things while off work, instead of falling out of bed mid afternoon and going straight to the pub after breakfast!!!

24 minutes to go

The weekend has arrived, it's fooking chucking it down.

Might stay in tonight (yes i know i say that every Friday), need to call at White Rose on the way home, to get Gold shoes to match nice Next shimmery shirt affair and new jewels.
God damn that Matt saying the one's i picked initially were "old lady shoes".

Last couple of days news, Ruth, Mark and i had fish and chips on Wednesday, didn't stay long as was sleepy Tim, but seemed to get a 2nd wind at 10pm as i was throwing away 1/2 my wardrobe to the charity (out with the old, blah di blah).

Slept soundly after Lost...........
Good day yesterday, went to Cleck in my lunch hour, got stuff from petshop, took clothes i don't want to Oxfam (quote Andy, "what the fuck have you done that for? you'll probably spot some Bocker in the regal, wearing all your clobber!").

Went to see "A history of voilence" at the pictures last night, don't go see it, it's shite!

Having a good day today, been to the tailors they have put a new zip in my favorite jeans, hoorah!
Every fucker is going out tonight and i want to stay in, the money i will save can go towards my new outfit, plus a takeaway and some nice wine, plus imagine waking up on a Saturday hangover free!!??!

Tomorrow Andy has bought me a ticket to the Elvis night, at the club........Saving me a whole £6.........ooohh!!
Am umming and Ahhing whether to wear new outfit, purchased today from next OR? hire a white catsuit.........( i won't look like that fat mare at the end of Murials wedding doing the Abba impression!!!).

Ponder ponder!

My Email is down

So i'll reply to all emails and ask people what i need to know on the blog and just hope folk are reading it!!!


Matt what the fuck were you doing in bed at 9.16pm, did you sleep right through till this morning?

Helen i doubt i'll be able to make it to your Halloween party in Southampton next Saturday, as much as i'd like to dress up as a witch then drive for 4 hours to sleep on your floor with loads of other lesbians and doctors who either want to do me or experiment on me!!

Emma you're right, men need everything spelling out for them, Sam's Mum called it the "dog Syndrome".......that's all they understand, shit, eat, sleep,fuck, football (rugby) beer!

Sam, what time are we doing ladies who lunch on Sunday?
What's the plan?

Spug/Hayley/Tina/Beth, who's playing out this weekend?, Spug what shifts are you working?

Rich, i thought it was you that commented on my "jiggered post" it's not it's a Yorkshire lad!!!

Sarah what the FUCK were you tutting at on the itinerary?
Everyone else.... Hi!!

Florence

Had Friday off of work because I was off on a mini break with lado. He works for Thomson directories selling advertising space and his team won team of the year so all his team and their partners were awarded an all expenses paid trip to Florence.

We got up at 4.30 am to drive to Liverpool as the flight was at 9 ish. I made a throw away comment on the way down that Matt was driving rather fast (he was) and he went off his head at me. Screaming and shouting like a banshee. I’m fucking sick of him yelling at me to be honest. Anyway… He apologised and said it was cos he was tired. WHATEVER! So I decided the best way to show him I was upset over how he’d spoken to me was to just go quiet on him. Not my usual style at all, I usually argue back. It worked anyway and he said he felt stupid. Probably cos we were meeting all of his work mates and their partners and he wanted me to be on top form, not with a face on. I would never be that much of a nob head so when I met everyone, it was kisses and smiles all round.

To be honest, they all seemed like a sound bunch of people and I knew straight away it was going to be a top holiday. I would hate for them to think ‘look at Matt’s bird, she’s a right miserable bitch’. I always get quite nervous about meeting people for the first time (unless I’m pissed) but I knew they were going to be sound.

Boarded the flight and set off for Florence. The flight wasn’t too long, about 2 hrs I think. I have no concept of time what so ever! We flew to Pisa and the plan was to catch a train to Florence.

It’s such an amazing city, apart from the old man that blatantly did a shit in the street and wiped him bum. Matt’s work mate Kath shouted it out and lo and behold, there was the dirty bleeder in full view with his arse out at the taxi rank.

Apart from him, the Italians are so stylish and fit! Felt a bit scruffy in my special airport shell suit, bum bag and white hi tec trainers.

The hotel was mint; it was all marble and chandeliers. Checked in and headed off for the boozers.

The buildings are amazing. Some were built in 1300’s. The city is so ancient and impressive. Like nothing I’ve seen before. Don’t mean to sound like a geek or anything, but it’s really spectacular. I’d recommend anyone to go.
Then got pissed. More pissed than I have ever been before. Probably was the most pissed person in Florence. Matt had to carry me don’t remember much. Had a good time though.

We slept through breakfast at the hotel. Instead, I got Matt to have a look through cupboards for a kettle so I could have a brew. Discovered the mini bar! Couldn’t believe we didn’t find it last night when we got back! Pah! Thing is, felt so rough, settled for a diet coke and bottle of water instead.

Matt dragged me round Florence, me puking in every outdoor café we popped in at. Very classy! He bought me a fake Gucci bag which is a scarily good copy. Mooched more, back to hotel for sleep.

Matt’s boss offered to pay for dinner Saturday night. Got dressed up and went and met the crew at the hotel bar. Made friends with ginger haired girl called Sarah and hung out with new mate Charlotte who is Adams girlfriend. We were best mates the night before when I was so drunk I went blind.

The meal was fab. All booze paid for too. It came to £450.00! Fuck me! Boss didn’t bat an eyelid. Matt will not go home ever! I do love that about him though. Not this night though. I was so tired and still hung-over. We ended up on bender again with Adam and new mate Charlotte and everyone else went home to bed.

Got up at 6.15! What the fuck is all that about???!! Packed, showered, down for breakfast. I got bollocked by the restaurant manager for putting croissants in his automatic toasting machine. Didn’t think him or the other diners appreciated block smoke from burning croissant. Especially when I just walked off. Nearly pissed myself with laughter when I saw Adam heading over to the machine with toast and with a slice of cheese to melt it in the machine! Molten cheese was everywhere! The man went mental!

Got the train back to Pisa, checked in at airport. Matt kindly bought me 400 Marlborough lights and some Prada perfume. He’s the best! I love him so much. Boarded the flight and had a disco kip until we landed back in Liverpool at 1 pm.

Drove back to Leeds and got into bed! Matt went to the local to watch the Man City game. I had the most vivid and terrible nightmare though about his ex and him cheating on me etc. It was so awful. I woke up sweating and panicking. Rang him straight away, he drove back from the pub to pick me up so I could have a beer with him and sort myself out! What a twat I am! As I had just rolled out of bed I had that new born hamster look about me.

Had a couple of pints, got home for Chinese take away and x factor omnibus on ITV 2. ACE!!!

Tears of a clown

Midweek blog, v fast!

Monday...Did nothing at work only errands, nipped home at t.time, picked Ruth up then we went over to middle Brother Martyn and Tracy's for some dodgy dealings, involving knock off sportswear and bootleg fags.
Dropped Ruth off home moaning about Ap not phoning, not realising i was upsetting her that much she wouldn't sleep that night.

Home, spoke to Mum, Matt and Kay at length, both Kay and i cried on the phone..........ate pizza and was tired, drained and asleep before midnight!

Tuesday...better day, like I've said I'm always in a good mood on a Tuesday, had a really big heart to heart with Andy, when i finally answered the phone, think he was more upset than i was.

Spent afternoon emailing Matt, Ruth, Sam , Rich & MJ...........work mates all avoiding me, as they were muttering has she been crying? is it ragweek?

Home, had a lovely evening......bath, p.j's, ironing, pie &chips, Easties, Holby, Love soup, then went to bed to read.
Unfortunately didn't drop off till 2am.

Alarm went off this morning it was like waking the dead.
Had 2 calls from David on the motorway on the way in, reeling off toiletries shopping list for his hols to Mexico this Aft.

It's been a flurry of activity in here this morning, office packed with randoms.
Andy phoned to see if i was less upset today and he hopes to god i'm not turning into to Katy F.

Done no work as yet, off to get the wage slips in a minute (they should have arrived in yesterdays post, but the guy who does them is off, oh don't worry Mr.Fucking accountant, none of us need money, we come here just for the fun of it).

Need to go food shopping at lunch, then tonight going to Ruth and Marks for fish and chips.
Mmmm

Tomorrow going to the flicks then to the quiz.
No weekend plans as yet......but meeting Whitter for lunch on Sunday, am v.looking forward to it!!!

Today I are been mostly feeling slightly jaded after an unexpected all night drinking binge

Went out with Janet for a quick drink after work at Churchill's after work. We went via the National Express station so I could see when Andrew would be back: 1945. So we drank till then and I went back to the station - no coaches arrived so I checked the timetable again and I'd read it wrong and Andrew wouldn't be arriving back until 20.55 so I popped back to Churchills and continued to drink. Then I got a phone call from him: he was at his dad's and would be getting the coach at 21.25 and arriving back at 22.25 so I thought I may as well continue drinking and wait till he arrived.

So I sang (Top of the World with a lesbo called Meg) and I drank and had a merry old time, interspersing my Kronys with pints of ½ coke and ½ lager to remain compos mentis, and then some dreadful individual came and sat down next to me at about half past nine. He asked me for a fag and then started chatting away to me. He was chatting me up dreadfully and asked me all about what I did in bed, how big I was downstairs etc. He said he wanted to have sex with me and so I said I had to leave to go and meet by boyfriend and he suggested we go back home to have sex first and so I said no, I had a boyfriend and also I didn't have time and so he suggested we have it in the toilet. He forced me to put his number in my phone and told me he had a big dick and wanted to fuck me really hard and said that if I had sex with him I'd dump my boyfriend as he was so good. I said I wasn't interested and that I loved my boyfriend. Thankfully my next song was called up at that point so I collected my things, sang the song (Total Eclipse of the Heart - Karen is right - it is a very hard song to sing - the lines start before the previous one finishes!) and when I'd done I ran out of the pub and sat for 20 minutes in the coach station until Andrew arrived.

This guy was awful: looked 38 but said he was 24 - he never was. He was asian and had eyes like goldfish - all swollen and bulgy. He really wasn't nice and worst of all, he was called RANA!!! The same name as the hated office manager at LSE. Oh if ever destiny was sending me a message, that was it. What a scum head stinkypot!

Met with Andrew, had another in Churchills, then went to the New Union for another where two women asked me to dance with them almost the minute I got in there. They had no Stella and no Guinness and as I hate weak lager I had to drink cider. I was nearly sick. Left there at around midnight. It was siling it down - stairrods!! So we had to get a cab home and the rain almost soaked through the roof of the taxi! It was awful.

Stayed up till one, chatted in bed till two. No wonder I'm feeling tired this morning - that's the second day in a row!

Chilled weekend

As in relaxing, not straight from the fridge!

Was in bed at 5.40pm Friday night, the midweek drinking/late night Thursday had knocked the wind out of my sails!

Was awake at 8pm, now what do i do?

Erm shall i stay in Friday night on my own lake that sad sap from Love Soup, or maybe go............meet Ruth, Hayley, Rach, Spug, Tina, Beth, Zoe, Mark, Dean, Alan and James???
Who are wading their way through jugs of cocktails at an alarming rate in Spoons.

Made it out, had 3 in spoons,it was a good night all in all, oooh! there was a live band on in the Old House at Home, they were v.good!!!
So like i said, it was a good night nothing mad happened, we all went to the regal, Rach couldn't breath Tina was racing around looking for Beth and her inhaler..........
I had one drink, then decided i wanted pizza more than drinking and dancing.

While waiting for my Horncastle special, reading the Daily Star, Dean and Rach fell through the door, so i ate in, while they waited for theirs,Hayley and James joined us and ordered burgers, Spug turned up with one of her men, we all piled into taxis and i was in bed for 1am.

Saturday felt like the longest day ever, was up with the larks, watched the box, made a leisurely breakfast, read my book, tried to get excited about the Autumn leaves falling in the garden and Christmas being just around the corner.
Resorted to dusting and vaccing the living room, and even hoovered out the car.

Marlene collected me in a cab at 6.30pm with Donna. Useless feck brothers had spent all day on the golf course, more like the 19th hole the way they came wobbling in at 7.30pm, when we were meant to be eating at 7pm.
Steven was acting really strange all night, kind of detaching himself from the family, ready for his travels.
Saying all night, him and David fucked off at 9pm, David was mullered and Steven was going to a party.

The meal was nice, Jim paid, which didn't make it a cheap night as the rounds of drinks were £22 each, Marlene, Jim and Donna left at 10pm as David had locked himself out and was sat in the garden (family trait).
Martyn and Tracy left soon after, leaving Me, Ruth and Mark............Ruth had been drinking coke most of the night, once she went on Bud she wasn't stopping.
Mark and i were flagging after our 10th pint, i was txting Andy like a fucking stalker.......time for bed?

I left them to it, i got a cab home at 12.15 and Ruth and Mark stayed until 1am, with Ruth's boss Jean and her chap.


Sunday was okay, the day again seemed to go on for ever, was sad as i was meant to be going to Bridlington with Matt for busy bees fish and chips but that had all fallen through.

Did nowt in the day, washing and stuff..........Rach, Dean and Megan came round last night, for a game of trivial pursuits, we had pizza, watched Spiderman and waded our way through all the wine from the wine rack which was nice.
Went to bed at 1am this morning, back to work am teary and fed up as not heard from Andy since Thursday........yes i know he's spent all weekend playing Ushers and Godfathers, but a txt message takes 30 seconds! Fucking men, they just don't think!

Weekend in brief (I have a lot of work to do today)

Thursday
 Went out with Andrew and Janet from work. I think they got on but Andrew was convinced there was some friction. It was only because they have nothing (other than me) in common.
 Went to Churchills but the karaoke wasn’t working.
 Andrew went off so Jan and I could talk and then returned an hour later because he was bored.
 Jan then went home and me and Andrew stayed out and got a bit drunk.

Friday Very busy at work.
 Left at 5pm and went home to find that Andrew had cooked dinner. A strange combination of mince, ham, peas and carrots all in white sauce with melted cheese on the top. Anyway it was very nice and I thought it was very sweet since he can’t cook.
 Looking forward to a quiet night in, I napped from 6 -7 and was looking forward to a whole evening of telly and nothing else. I think Andrew was a bit bored but then since he has no job, he would be!
 Jan rung up at 9.15. She and Dan were out; did we want to join them? I passed on the message to Andrew, he said yes, surprisingly!
 Met them in Churchills, then went to the City Road Inn because Janet was keen to sing and karaoke’s thin on the ground on Friday. I sang too.
 Then we went to the Retro Bar and met up with Dave T but he was chatting someone up so we went back to Churchills and had a nice time.
 Andrew decided he wanted to go clubbing so we went to Cruz 101. Spent a fun hour there.
 Ended up going to the casino for some reason. Can’t have spent too much money as I don’t remember it so perhaps it was one of those times where we went in with £2 and stayed an hour.
 Anyway, when we went in there was a massive cat fight, hand fulls of hair, blood, torn clothes and hoops being pulled out of ears to the sound of one of the protagonists mates shrieking “Tracy, think of the baby you’re having”! Classic. They ended up spending a night in the cells but I could have watched it all night.
 Stayed up another hour chatting so we didn’t get to bed till half past four – another late night – I am convinced Andrew is a vampire!!

Saturday Got up at 12.45, pottered around till Andrew got up a couple of hours later.
 Wandered into town, did a bit of shopping bought some DVDs.
 Had a pint in town, went home and watched DVDs and played cards all night – bed at 2.30 after a very quiet day.

Sunday Up at 11.00, tidied, cleaned and showered. Woke Andrew at 1.30. Watched a bit of telly and played a bit of cards.
 Went to buy Andrew some black hair dye (don’t ask!) and then we went to Pizza Hut.
 Had a golden stuffed crust with half meat feast and mushroom and half chicken feast and mushroom. I had nachos to start and Andrew had cheesy wraps.
 Came home, dyed Andrew’s hair – new job, new start, new hair!
 Watched Corrie, had an amusing conversation with my brother as he was drunk.
 Went out. We’d agreed to go to the casino as Andrew was starting his job on Monday and its illegal for him to go into casinos when he’s an employee of one so this was his last ever day! Anyway things didn’t go too well. Let’s just leave it there but I will say, when I enter a casino, I assume I will lose everything I gamble: Andrew assumes he will win which makes him a very dangerous gambler and far to keen to take inappropriate risks and gamble too much. I thought I was addicted to alcohol until I met Andrew and saw what addiction really is.
 Had a few drinks on Canal Street.
 Went home, had warmed up pizza, watched the League of Gentlemen film (don’t buy it, its rubbish) and played scrabble and I won.
 Went to bed, had a nice time, fell asleep and snored so I slept on the sofa as I didn’t want Andrew to be too tired for his first day at work. Back in the bed tonight though!

10 weeks to Xmas – can’t wait – Yippee!!!

Jiggered

I want my bed, i think I'm still recovering from Dublin.

Had a really good night last night though, struggled to get out of my p.j's and actually get ready to go out after Eastenders.

Got to Spoons, he was sat there in his best shirt, he'd had some bad news which wasn't a good start to the night, but my infinite wit, charm and charisma soon had him laughing like a drain.

We had 3 pints in spoons, he was doing impressions of Matt's Dad and slagging the "girls" at the club off both which made me laugh.

He'd asked me to get some stuff for the cricket raffle, so i said he'd have to come up as they're clogging up my fooking kitchen, he then got really excited and started saying "oh i'm going to keep that for myself, i need an angle grinder, can you get me a drill?".

Chatted to Tracy (i fight men), got awriggle on and got to the Wickham at 10pm, they were on question 13, me thinks we've missed the start of the quiz, looked for Matt's Dad.
couldn't see him hidden behind the door in "his usual spot" so we went through and helped some randoms with the answers, had 2 more pints, then Matt's Dad appeared chatting away.

He told us to be there at 9.45pm next week, then tutted as he knew nothing about Richard moving into Marlene's.

Spoketo Tango Danny and his Mum (ooh i wish you'd have a spray tan our Danny), outside spoons, he asked me if i was courting, bit of a giveaway, seen as Andy had hold of my hand, Zenith taxi home, listened to Cold play and KT Turnstall, drank Beth's beer out of the fridge and up to bed at 1ish..........but not to sleep.

Am absolutely dead on my fooking feet today, David is giving me light chores to do as i am fragile.
Like txting his mate "mouse" the entire lyrics, to a mouse lived in a windmill in old Amsterdam.

But am now having to go back to fooking Tradex (4th time this week), to deliver 40 routers.

Too tired to play out tonight (we've heard that before). Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary tomorrow evening, family meal, table for 10, 7pm sharp.

I'm here

So stop mithering me!

Its been a busy week and there's a lot been going on so hold onto your hats and here we go:

Went to see Andrew in Dewsbury on Thursday last week. I'd been thinking about him and wanted to see him so I got a train over there and spend a bit more than 2 hours in his company smumming it round Dewsbury - honestly, Cleck would have been busier.

Friday, worked, went home. Andrew wasn't sure if he was coming on Friday or Saturday so I had a nap knowing he'd ring before he set off so I had chance to tidy, next thing I know his face appears in my window - he'd come and decided to surprise me - he did and the flat was a mess! Stayed in and played scrabble and then Andrew was getting a bit itchy (having been forced to endure an hour of QI) so he quickly went to the casino with a couple of quid. Then he returned with a tenner and so I went back with him to the casino only for us to end up home a couple of hours later a hundred quid better off. Money for Andrew's visa!!

Saturday - up late, we both got some photos - me for my passport, Andrew for his visa. Went to the cinema to see Serenity, had some drinks on Canal St, had a McDonalds, went to the casino and didn't do much - I think Andrew lost a tenner or so.

Sunday - up late again. Andrew lost all his money at the casino and he was quite down and realised that he wasn't going to America. He wasn't good and said that he didn't think he'd be very welcome back at his Dad's as he'd left on Friday without saying where he was going (and he'd had a row with him on the phone in the casino on Friday night). I said he could stay with me but it was temporary, that he had to live by my rules, no casinos in the week, early to bed, nop answering the phone, had to get a job PDQ. etc. All seemed OK. Stayed out at the pub all night and had a really nice time.

Monday - up at 6 so Andrew could get to Bradofrd in time for his interview in Bradford. He got the job. He had my keys so I returned home half expecting to be robbed but I wasn't. He was just arriving home when I was - he'd been to see his mum. Went out for a couple and had a nice evening and not too early to bed.

Tuesday - working from home and my landlady was coming at 6pm to inspect so did lots of cleaning in time for her arrival. Got lots of work done and went off to a meeting at Manchester Met Uni at 1.30. Got back 3 hours later and I'd not been robbed - again - yippee!! Landlady didn't arrive so after waiting for her for an hour we went out and had a nice evening.

Yesterday - had a training course in Liverpool so was away all day and then met up with Alastair. Had a nice long chat about me and Andrew, my cousin, Karen, him and his ex, him and his fiancée etc. He made me feel much more positive about me and Andrew as I was a bit worried that this whole living together thing, although temporary was a bad idea. Got home at 9pm and Andrew had ironed all my clothes - 10 shirts, 6 pairs of trousers! Good boy! Had stew, dupmlings, peas and mash and it was lovely and then went to bed after Lost.

He's a nice boy. He's not robbed me. So far so good. I hope it works out.

Yom Kippur

More Jewish holidays, nice to have a day off, but going to the shuls and fasting for 25 hours................fuck that!

Think i'd rather be at work, then again imagine the food they're all gonna scoff tonight and the celebrations!

I have very little news this week.
Have done the bare minimum at work the last 3 days as always.

Tuesday sat in front of the t.v all night with Mr.Porrait.
Slept really badly and was up all night with a barking cough.

Last night, called at Marlene's then ironed and chatted to Ruth and Sam on the phone. Taped Lost and watched that, up to bed at 12 and slept for 8 hrs solid!! hooray!

Lots of energy this morning, now fading fast..........had a big lunch and am sat too close to the radiator.

Hope to get my 2nd wind soon as i have several jobs to do at home, then meeting Andy to get "pissed" in town and go to the Wickham Quiz (as i was SO good last week).

Mid week drinking? a thing of the past, rather he just came up and sorted me out............i'm horny as an allycat.

And where the fuck is Matt?

Before and after

Events that happened either side of our trip to Ireland.

The date

Thursday, he was 10 mins early so i answered the boor in satin robe and hiking socks (attractive).

Got to the flicks, chatting, laughing and joking all the way, film was crap, but I'd have sat through The horse whisperer with him, so didn't give a flying fuck.

Nipped to the loos after and had to button my cardie up to the top to disguise the fact I'd spilt coke all down my white t.shirt.

We'd already arranged to go for beer after, he suggested the Whickam, fine i thought!

I didn't fucking expect him to want to do the pub quiz ( i will surely be chucked this time, for being thick as fuck).
The shame, but it's fine, Andy is very quiet and a bit gormless, surely he too will be a bit dense? oh no!
Brain of fucking Britain, he even started giving me clues and saying that he'd pronounced words wrong when i couldn't spell them properly!!
The upshot was i knew 4/40, we got about 50% right between us, but he said "we didn't go to win".
Bless, chatted to Matt's Dad on the way out, who said if all 3 of us had been on the same team, then we'd have been joint winners..........maybe next time?

Home had a snog in the car " have a really good weekend Karen and try not to get arrested".

The next 3 days you know about!

Monday 10th October.
Took a days annual leave to recover, rose at lunchtime, already 2 miss calls from Andy, had a lovely lunch/afternoon with Kay (when i do see her, i enjoy her company so much, I'd soon forgotten she is crap at keeping in touch).

Anyhow she was dumfounded when Andy phoned, was spitting her cheese sandwich everywhere and planning cosy dinner parties for 4.

Fetched Will from school and played and read him stories, then left at 5pm.
Did 3 loads of washing (was eternally grateful to Beth and Tina for leaving my house absolutely spotless), Tina did say it was like living in a palace, i've also heard Meg and Luther are Beth's new best friends (i'll put them in the microwave, i hate cats, my arse!)

Did fuck all last night, chatted to Matt quickly, phoned Mum, spoke to Tina.
Had a pizza and was in bed for 9.30pm............absolutely done in.

Back to it today, the workplace, mixed news..........

On the downside, Mike the plumber called.....he can't get the old taps off the cast iron bath and he's let Maisie out and she's run off.
I've driven to Levi and co with 200 reams of paper, thought the burning smell of rubber was the weight in the car, realised I'd driven into the centre of Leeds with the handbreak on.

BUT on the upside, Andy phoned at 9.30am, he's coming round tonight.
Mike called back, he can still fit me a shower and the cat has come home.
I've had 2 parcels bought while i've been off. Black and Decker angle grinders and some wallpaper.

So that's all good.

Indifferent but funny news, the office has run out of loo roll as i have been absent and men can't buy toilet paper.
I used some "sample" tissues, that were embalmed with eucalyptus.........
Fanny now feels like it's on fire!

DUBLIN

Outstanding


All the Girlies collated outside the brand spanking new health centre at 8.30am sharp Friday morning.
Sarah was wearing a special baby pink fleece with fur round it that she's found at the back of her cupboard.
We were all quite excited and buzzed up, being an organised feck (i live my life with military precision) i'd taken enough pop, crisps and boiled sweets for the whole coach.

Sarah however, needed to nip to the shop in the bus station for ribena and 2 stray sausage!!

Coach arrived to our delight, we got on excitedly, much jabbering away, to tuts from all the OAP's already eating egg mayonnaise sandwiches (me thinks they thought, who the fuck said the under 40's could come on our tour).

Bill the driver however, could hardly contain his excitement at the 4 young beauties and was cracking onto each and everyone of us!

1 quick stop at Hartshead moor and we were at Hollyhead before we knew it.

Had a coffee, boarded the Stena line ferry, 2 quick pints and a burger and we were there, Bill found the hotel by accident, we checked in our rooms, quick shower, slap and glad rags on, met in reception at 6pm ready to paint the town red.

750 pubs in 2 square miles, i thought i was going to cum in my pants.
Found a bar that looked suitable, Sarah got a round and was chatted up by a bespectacled young man trying to tell her crap Irish jokes, we nipped across the road and booked a table at the pizza place.
Had another pint, then tasted the best pizza we had ever eaten in our lives, honestly it was amazing, had another beer to wash it down, then made our way to temple bar (to chunters from Katy "i can't dial home, i need to phone Granty, my phone has a bar on it, can you dial home?" we were never to hear the end of this.

Stopped for another pint in a random pub, then another in another and so on, before we found the famous John Gogerty's...........hoorah!
Had several in here, Spug and Sarah were Irish jigging with the locals, speed necking vodka, Katy and i were happy as pigs in shit, in the "smoking section" situated on the 3rd floor, where we drunkenly chatted about relationships, therapists and death till we were both blind with the drink.

Soon realised i needed to go back to the hotel, so rounded up my brood for their own "safety" bundled them into a cab, where i was backchatting the driver, who played opera music really load, ruffling my hair while driving like a loon.
Bar was shut, i'm bellowing "can we just have 4 quick pints?" got my way, stumbled up to room, to miss calls on mobile from AP, rang him back and started shouting/giggling into his answering machine at silly o'clock in the morning............poor guy only wanted to check i'd got there safely!

Saturday, was up at 7.30am and the 4 of us demolished the full Irish breakfast, then boarded the bus for our "tour".
Was ace, learnt loads about Molly Malone, other famous buildings and statues and all the history behind the "Georgian" houses.
Went to Phoenix park, which is the largest enclosed park in the world..........did lots of oohing and aahing at the stately homes and monuments.

Dropped off in town, had a coffee and coke in a nice cafe, then went to the Guinness visitors centre as Katy wanted to get Grant a top, queued for ever with the yanks and the chinks, but was well worth it, tour was cool, only a tenner and a free pint of Guinness at the end.

So i'm stood at the top of the centre in the gravity bar, with my great mates, listening to cold play, with my pint of black stuff looking out on to the whole of Dublin's skyline, i can honestly say i'd have rather been nowhere else in the world than there at that moment in time.

Spent an hour in the gift shop, bought Andy (now my proper boyfriend) a rugby shirt, he can pay me back in sexual favours.

Jumped in a cab, got the friendliest driver in the world, who told us where to have our evening meal and where to drink that night! yippee, so he dropped us at the Barge, where we had the biggest feast possible for 9 euros.
Then sat outside with our pints and chatted to some young local who's friend was that mullered he was asleep where he sat.

Back to the hotel for a disco kip, i had 10 mins, Sarah was our for the count for 1 1/2hrs.
Got a wriggle on and nipped to the Brazen head (the oldest pub in Ireland) for 1, 9 pints later at 1am, we'd sat, laughed more than i had ever laughed in my life, drank, made random friends (Marylyn, with the black lips from her red wine and her frilly blouses, that she didn't like but bought coz they were cheap from pennies and her "young" whipper snapper boyfriend and her mate Dave). So like i said, 6 hrs had passed, the badger had attacked Spugs foot, she was wearing a bouncers jacket from a random who'd spotted she was cold and we're still sat there under the patio heater in the beer garden, where we could chain smoke till our hearts content.
Fell in to a taxi had a further pint and some crisps in the hotel and stumbled up to bed.

Sunday awoke at 6.30am to the sound of Sarah barfing, made it to breakfast for 10am, checked out for 11am and mosied into town to kill the last 3 hrs, bought gifts for our loved ones, then stared in horror in Dunnes as Sarah was modelling a full length woollen dress over her clothes, while laughing like the insane!

Home James, boat sailed at 4pm, got there early, Katy then pipes up "i've checked the weather forecast and all the Irish liners have been cancelled." What the fuck!!

On board and 5 mins out to sea, i soon realised why, bing bong bing................"will all passengers please be seated for your own safety".........well that was it, the bottom lip was out, tears welled up in my eyes, sea sick i could do, but to be on a boat ,that is rocking side to side with such force, you can't stand up without crashing into someone 3 tables away, to say i was petrified within an inch of my life, is an understatement.

4 pints later, i'd found a central point at the front of the boat and had wrapped my arms and legs around a large white pole, eyes fixed on the horizon, i was singing about " a few of my favorite things".
Bing bong bing "ladies and gentlemen we are having to change course to avoid the bad weather, the boat may rock slightly worse than normal" go fuck yourself captain, or get a helicoptor to come and winch me to shore. You get the picture!!

2 hours later, laden down with fags and perfume,( impulse buys to get over my trauma) and we'd docked!
Thank the lord!

Realised i was pissed, as i'm making jokes about the crossing to captain Birdseye in the seat behind.
The four of us had run out of steam, Wearily making small talk about "the best weekend ever"......had a quick stop at Chester, In Clecksville for 10pm, Taxies home, bath, p.j's fussing my cats and telling them how lucky Mummy is to be alive.

Bedfordshire, layed down, still rocking side to side, got up and had 2 large glasses of wine to knock me out.
Top top top weekend, excluding the fucking, cunting, bastard crossing from Dublin to Hollyhead.............................
Ellen McArthur i am not!

Carpet burns

What is wrong with me?! I've not blogged for so long, because I do fuck all!!! i've turned from party girl into Pauline Fowler.


Last Thursday had Melissa and Polly round for a curry and a few bottles of wine. Had a doctor’s appointment on Friday because I have had lingering cystitis for months. I have been putting off going and trying to treat myself, cos a, I hate doctors and b, I know they will give me a course of antibiotics for an entire week, which will stop me from drinking. Fook that.

Anyway, it got pretty unbearable, so I relented and went to the quacks and got the antibiotics. I have only started them today though, thus enabling me to get shit faced over the weekend. Maybe if I drink vodka and cranberry? Cranberry’s good for cystitis is it not?

Friday night I stayed in and had a Chinese. Matt was doing my head in cos I thought we were going to go out for tea and a few drinks, but he had other ideas. He was wedged in front of the football with a pack of stella and a face like a dropped pie.
I realise his job is quite demanding, but he really stresses out about it and let it get to him. I can’t relate to that at all as work doesn’t rate that highly in my life. I couldn’t give a shit about it. But he does work in sales and it is quite cut throat. It is not my idea of fun though staying in Friday night listening to him moaning and trying to give him pep talks etc. Stropped off upstairs and got into velour house suit and grabbed book ready for a night in. I asked him if he wanted a Chinese ordering seen as though we weren’t going out for dinner and had no food in. He said no because he was in a mood. I knew the minute it arrived he would fucking want some, so I still ordered extra. He came round a bit after we had eaten, we watched a bit of TV then bed for 11. How rock and roll is that?

Saturday, woke up wanting bacon sandwiches but needed bread from the shop. As you all know, I haven’t got a license as I keep failing the fucking test, but thought I would just nip out in the car to the shop whilst Matt was asleep. It’s only round the corner. Managed the journey fine. Pulled up outside my house and got copped by the nosey old neighbour George who congratulated me on passing my test. I had to lie and go along with it! The thing is, I can’t get picked up now from outside of my house for more lessons as George will bust me!!

Made bacon butties and coffee then cleaned the house from top to bottom like a maniac. I cleaned my leather sofas with that rip off solution that you are conned into buying when you buy the sofas. Did some washing. Bollocked Matt for being a lazy twat again. Went out to the White Rose on a mini driving lesson. Tried to park the car in a bay really fucking badly! Bought brushed stainless steel microwave (as old one blew up) clinique foundation, body shop cover up stick and 24 grolcshe.

Drove home, made Sunday lunch, even though it is Saturday, settled down to watch the match in lovely clean house and lots of beers!

Watched the x factor, which made me cry when the little black boy and Trevor the little white boy got booted out. Even Matt got emotional! Bed for 11.30.

Got up Sunday at 11 am, Matt had planned to do some appointments in Mansfield and my mum lives near by, so I’m at my mums for Sunday lunch while he does what he’s got to do. My Mum’s Brother Wayne (he is only 30 though, big age gap) was over for lunch too with his girlfriend Emma and his lovely little daughter Phoebe. I’d also arranged to see my old best mate Natalie to come over to my Mums to for lunch so I was quite looking forward to it. Mum did quite a good job of cooking actually; I always dread what she will make. Was rather impressed with her chocolate sponge pudding, which were indeed chocolate muffins cut up in a big bowl, warmed in the microwave and disguised with custard. Genius!

Matt came over later after he had finished and had microwaved left overs.

On our way home, we called in at a pub and had a couple of pints and cheesy chips. By then, I had a massive urge to get pissed, so we sped back to Leeds and went to Mojo’s in town and got lashed until 11 pm. Stumbled in the house and had drunken shag in the front room before going to bed.

Got up late for work again, taxi in.

If you have 5 minutes to spare, read this

http://tinyurl.com/aowsg

Its foul but very funny, my throat is bleeding from so much laughing.

My week in brief

So this is the past week in brief:

Andrew came over at the weekend, met up with him at 13.30 on Saturday and he left at 19.00 on Sunday. Had a really nice time and we chatted lots about us and where we were going but the upshot was that he still wanted to go to the US.

Monday got an email from Andrew saying that he'd been offered another place on a ship in the US and that if he could arrange for his friends to help him out he'd be going. On Tuesday he said his friends would be helping him out and so he would be going. He'd confirmed with the boat people that he was going. I wonder if he'll get the money? I wonder if he'll go

Not good.

Went to karaoke on Tuesday and popped into Sainsbury on the way there for some fags and my card was refused - bugger. Karaoke was crap.

Yesterday was crap.

Today I am busy but its crap. Want to go to the pub again tonight but looking after the pennies and I need to tidy up my flat. Finally change my bedding and wash up, do some ironing and also I really need to have get some quality sleep as today I felt like death.

Andrew has told me that he will be leaving on 20 October. I could have cried, its only 2 weeks away.

Anyway, roast beef, mash, veg and gravy followed by sticky toffee pudding and cream will be a nice change for tea so I have something to look forward to. Or I may go to Churchills.

And Andrew is coming at the weekend which will be nice.

My Moody week

Maungy Monday............
Spent the day with the Monday blues, don't know why, as it's only a 4 day week for me.
Errands galore, blogged most of the Morning, went to M&S for Rosh Hashanah presents and it was hometime before i knew it.
Had Speak pie and chips with gravy (my favourite at the moment).
Ligged on the sofa for an hour trying to get a bit of shuteye to no avail.

Matt phoned again, watched Eastenders, Sam phoned at 10pm, was in bed for 11pm and asleep before midnight.

Terrific Tuesday.........always in a good mood on a Tuesday, as never have a hangover and seem to have bags of energy, only Paul and i were in the office as it was the Jewish Holidays.......so you can image how much work got done!
Oh yeah and Andy phoned.......... Whoopee!
Home earlyish, did 2 weeks ironing and felt ace. Had some homemade pasta concoction, Tina called up for the key as her and Beth are catsitting this weekend.

Watched Eastenders, Holby and Love soup, watched the programme on Ronnie Barker, god rest his soul, then started screaming at the digibox as it is fucked and i wanted to watch Nighty Night on BBC3.
Went to bed in a huff, well a happy huff!

Weepy Wednesday.......woke up streaming with fucking cold, not happy!
Yesterday felt like a week...........didn't strike a bat, well saying that i did manage to find a 100 grand parcel that i'd sourced in ToysRus last week, we'll see if it comes off.

Stuffed myself full of decongestants, moaned at Paul most of the day.
David turned up at 4.30pm, just as i was about to sneak off early, he was rangooned, luckily he had only popped for a sales meeting with the director of Bwise.
Sloped off at 5.15pm, then got stuck in monster traffic on the M621........got to Marlene's and had stew with Ruth and Mark, Dad was secretly trying to arrange a family meal next Saturday for their wedding anniversary.

Home, packed a few bits for the weekend, sided washing, thorough ablutions and pampering a day early, Sarah txt wanting to know where the kit list was for Brownie camp.
Watched lost, took more flu remedy and was out for the count at 11.30pm.

Tetchy Thursday.................still fluey, want to be at home getting ready for my date and Dublin, 1001 things to do and have to be at my desk for at least another 3 hours.
Have been back to Birstall retail park to but samples and am planning to leave early to get rest of packing and shopping done, then i can go for a beer with Mr. Porrait after the pictures..........(can't believe he phoned again to double check we were still on for tonight as i hadn't txt him quick enough).

Bless

Andy just phoned, stammering away trying to ask me out on another date on Thursday.

Why is he so nervous? like i'd say no.

So we chatted a while, he got through to the 1/4 finals on Sun. but Craig Blackburn knocked him out.

He seemed quite worried about how Sarah was going to meet us for Dublin as she lived so far away.

Wanted to know what i'd done in the last couple of days and was i ready for Ireland.

So i've to txt him to let him know what i want to do, Bowling, Cinema, Pub? whatever.

I did say he could chose as i wasn't bothered, however he chose to ignore this and said it was up to me and he'd pick me up whenever!

What's happened to the boy?
Is he now my boyfriend?
Will i have to meet Gill and Dave properly even though i have slept in their bed?
Will i have to introduce him to M&J, what will they say to me seeing someone 9 years my junior?


Of fuckety fuck!

Beer, Boys and Bhuna

Left work early Friday to drop some Halloween hats off at Readmans, so was at Marlene's at 4.45pm, had a quick coffee and messed around with Steven, Mum has proper lost it............Steven had borrowed £50 from me and given it to Mum to save, she said "oh yeah I've put it under the chair".............
So we're looking quite bewildered and staring under the breakfast stool and she pipes up "oh i meant the letter rack".

She sends me off to the fish shop as she's starving and doesn't want to eat too late as they're having steak pie and chips at the Harvest supper at church Friday night, when i get back she's in the fucking bath, haddock going clock cold.....i can't get my breath!!!!!!

Anyhew, so wanted to stay in Friday night, the sooner i can lick Porritt in to shape and start having cosy winter nights in with wine, vid and curry the better.................but needs must, so braved the weather and Dean and Rach picked me up in a cab at 8.15pm, had 2 shandies in spoons, Tina and Beth were back from their jollies, hooray!!!!!!!!!!

Others present, Hayley, James, his dodgy ex con mate with the sovereign ring the size of a dinner plate, Tracy (who fights men), Ruth and Mark were also out with Emma, Kieran, Zoe and Alan.
Mark was fucking mullered and was sat outside on the wall with glazed eyes after having 7 pints of strong cider after work, he soon left for home after chicken burger and chips, Ruth however stayed out, we got to the Turnstiles and she was drinking a blue wkd, an orange wkd and a Smirnoff ice all mixed together in a pint glass!!!!!!!!!!
Oh dear!

All the lads were playing pool, until Ruth nicked two balls, we left for the Station and she still had them in her pocket, i suggested she take them back, being slightly worse for drink she went home instead.

Beth, Tina and i were the only ones to make it to the Station, but no worries, we sang 1st cut is the deepest and total eclipse of the heart.
Some random old guy told us he was with Simon Cowells brother and he could get us on Xfactor, i played along as he was clearly a mental case and his mates were egging him on!!
Regal, i wasn't in the mood, chatted to Graham Jackson (who's back from fighting wars), had a cider and black then left at 12.15, couldn't even be assed to get curry.

So as i was walking to the taxi, i stumbled across Mr.Jackson who'd been sick at the back of Tescos, ended up sharing a stick of chewing gum and a cab home with the ex lover.

2 hours later we're still ligged on the sofas talking about, live, loves, Myrtle and man blenders.

Saturday the 1st October, was up at 9.30am, bizarre day, fitted a new piece of carpet by the back door, then had to run round to next door in my dressing gown to put their rabbit back in it's hutch as it had escaped and i feared my cats may kill it.
Not ideal!

Went to Ruth and Marks and took them some spare quilts, pillows and quilt covers.

Ruth was glugging milk out of the carton for her hangover??!!?

Left soon after, as Mark's Mum and Nana turned up and Dean and Rach were on their way.
Called at Morrison's for a deep filled steak pie, then went to Dewsbury to collect Mums curtains from the market.

Dewsbury fucking market where all the scum's of the earth collate on a Saturday afternoon, i didn't hang around, but insisted on staying for the full hour in town until my parking ticket expired.

Managed to buy loads of drek i didn't need, make-up, M&S food (as i am a millionaire), new red lacy knickers, Catherine Alliotts new novel from WH Smiths.

Got back in the car worrying i have caught Matts spending addiction, came home and unpacked shopping, drove to car wash................why is it any other normal person can jet wash their car and drive away, i however get back in the car squelching like i have just got off the fucking log flume.


Dropped Mums curtains off at the bungalow and came home for Steak pie, chips gravy and M&S sponge cake.

Flew round like a loon, as Lynn and Katy came for me at 6pm to go to the club, wasn't really looking forward to it, but it turned out to be a top night.

Had 4 shandies as i listened to "oh Karen you'd have laughed" and "oh Karen let me tell you this" stories.

Andy had played Wharfdale for 3rd team and they'd lost 33 nil...........oops!
Don't know what's happened to the boy (me thinks maybe he has bought a personality on Ebay), but he kept coming over to check i was okay, like Grant does with Katy, flits around the lads but comes to check his girlfriend is alright for drinks etc at regular intervals.

Freaky! after 3 years of "I'm wi lads you know how it is Karen".

So we're all sat down chatting, Andy is taking the piss out of us for going to Dublin on a coach "it'll be full of old people, why aren't you flying?"...........Fuckoff!!

Hayley clocked off the bar then had to leave shortly afterwards to go rescue James from her Dad at Blakes.

Katy and i were joined by Nicola and Tracy (birds of Carl Mason and Paul Turner).

9.30pm we decided to go to town, got a 6 seater from Colin's, Katy, Grant (sorry T), Andy, Me, Blacky and that really fit bloke, i can't remember his name.

We stayed at Spoons till last, i chatted to Paul as he's been dumped by mad Lynn, poor Andy had a 20 minute lecture on diabetes from Miss Farquahar while i was gone.

So was all over me like a rash when i got back, Blacky then wanted to show me all the porn on his mobile......whatever!

After 3 pints the bell rang for last and we left T struggling with his last pint of Guinness, Andy insisted i sit in the front of the 7 seater taxi on the way home with him ( i really want to travel home feeling like i'm in the cab of a lorry, being right high up).
Fell out at home, Bridget Jones Stylee..................
Put Cold Play on the stereo and had a bit of sofa action.

Up to bed before midnight (wrong) Mr. Porrait fell asleep in the middle of the dvd.
So i turned all the lights and fire off downstairs, fed cats and snook into bed without waking sleeping beauty.

He was "up" at 4am, jeez........then again at 7am................leave me alone i'm tired.
He then left for home at 9am as he was bowling (wrong) at 11am at the club.

Had a snog at the door, said he'd phone me in the week as i'm in Ireland next weekend.


I slept till 12, then had thee most chilled out day ever!
Apart from the 5 loads of washing, that had appeared from nowhere.
Had a breakfast, started new book, watched Eastenders omnibus, listened to Katy Turnstall (ace), cats played out all day..........snoozed on the sofa, then (blunder) phoned an Eastern spice....................honestly i don't even have to leave the house to have a drama.


So i order my Chicken Bhuna which is going to be 45mins..........Matt phoned for one of our "quick" chats.
An hour later, still no sign of gee, so i tell Matt i'll call him back and chase my order.

Another 1/2 hr passes, I've been told to watch out for the delivery man, when i tyres screeching.
The Joe Dacky is only driving round Alan's building site at the bottom, completely lost.
Donna and Tony (next door) are out in their Pyjamas, Alan is their with his dog and bodyguard, i could have died.

All i could hear, is the guy in broken English " i delivery".
Neighbours, "you're going nowhere mate, we're calling the police, you've no tax on that car, you'll pay for any damage"............
Fook, admitted that the crisis was down to me, took my curry from him, refused to pay as he was an hour late...........then felt really sorry for the guy, but nothing i could do........went inside, ate curry (which was rank), called Matt back and was on the dog and bone until nearly midnight.

That's the weekend wrapped up, Marks out of 10...........erm 10 i reckon.

Excluding eastern Spice trauma.

Blogs, asterisks, phones and FoI

Mine and Karen’s phone calls are like extensions of the Blog so here, under the terms of the Freedom of Information Act is the releasable notes of our over three hour conversation last night.

There are some redactions due to exemptions under s22 (information intended for future publication – we’ll tell you later), s 37 (communications with Her Majesty, etc. and honours – I am a queen after all), s38 (health and safety – if some people knew what we were saying they’d beat us up), s40 (personal information – talking about you lot) and s41 (information provided in confidence – secret whispers).

Karen is glad it’s all going better with ****, I hope that this is the beginning of better things.
I am pleased things are going well with ******.
****** won’t go to the ****** if I give provide him with ******** access, *********, a **** ******* and some *****.
We discussed **** and what *** had been up to. Karen said that it was only what *** and **** were doing 10 and 1 year ago respectively. But I said the indiscriminate manner of ****’* ****** adventures were ******** and that neither *****, **** nor I acted in the same manner as **** and that there was something wrong with her.
There’s something wrong with ****
****** and I have signed a contract so I only give him *** per day when I see him
Karen’s *** had a bath while ***** went to get some fish and chips
We both hoped that it works out between ****** and her **-*** boyfriend *****
*******, **** and **** aren’t too good at deep conversation, unlike us talking about death and sex and stuff.
Uncle ******* does ******* and they’re not that boring as ****** and ****** both have a bit of a go when there’s one on the table but they’re *******.
**** is rubbish because he fell asleep watching ****.
I am relieved that ****** is not a *******.
******* is a tight **** because he’s not going to ****** .
Karen and I are going to **** ***’* in *********** in * weeks.
I am seeing ****** next week.
Karen’s *** says that he’s going on one of his ***** when really he’s going to ******** ******* ****.
**** is a bocker for drinking ******, cheap ****, *** ***, **** *** and ******** *** all in one go.
****** is really nice but really dizzy.
**** and **** are the only ones in their group who don’t have ***********.
**** who works with ***** rung up and he was ******. We laughed.