Since Little Miss Piss-in-a-Bin does not exist, Karen is

http://bookweb.kinokuniya.co.jp/gimgdata/07498/074985197X.JPG

Sir.Roger Hargreaves

I'm so loving my new diet..............

Today i have consumed the following
4 black coffees
2 diet cokes
1/2 grapefruit
2 slices of brown dry toast
cottage cheese
cherry tomatoes
2 boiled eggs
for snacks i can have celery and carrots.....whooppe!

This evening for dinner i am having chicken and spinach, I'm so excited i fear i may come in my pants.

Anyhow on a completely not dietary related topic (what does Roger Hargreaves know about slimming anyhow?), Matt and i (well me mainly) were discussing which Mr. Men characters we would be:

So i have decided to match up the fictional story book characters with great mates and family:

Don't be offended people it's all light hearted fun.

Matt.. Mr. Chatterbox

MJW.. Mr. Mean

Spug..Mr.Bump

Sarah.. Mr.Messy

Steven.. Mr. Silly

Ruth..Mr.Sneeze

Hayley..Mr.Grumble

Tina..Mr.Happy

Beth..Mr.Quiet

Rach..Mr.Slow

Dean..Mr.Brave

Richard..Mr.Daydream

Sam..Mr.Busy

Emma..Little Miss. Naughty

Ap..Mr.Perfect..........hahhahhahaa

The reasons i chose the names are in the short synopsis at the back of each book (supposedle).

I'll let you folks pick one for me!

Where has the sun gone?

Having quite a lovely week.
Till David started getting on my case this morning, he called he a stupid fucking idiot because i let an Austrian wagon driver poo in his bog, honestly he nearly burst a vein, he was going potty.(potty geddit)

Then he completely demolished my display of mixer taps, by taking them all off show as he was adamant he'd sold them to Tradex, then they reneged, so he started shouting "you better get then taps flashed up quickly we've more punters coming in". Struth!!!

He's just told me to drive to Mansfield with some Rizzla papers, i ignored him.

I wouldn't mind he employed his layabout son,(the one who shagged Katy Farquhar and shot his muck in 30 seconds), who's delivering in Blackpool this morning, he phoned me up to say "guess where i am? queuing for the big one at the pleasure beach!!!!!!! " Give me strength!

NEPOTISM!!!!

So other than fucking work drek news, weeks events, very poor!

1.Had email from Spug, she's not fallen out with me........hooray!
2.Sera had joined our blog, i hope she posts lots and a big welcome from us all.
3.Matt has been very busy this week, but has posted on the other blog and said a quick hello this morning.
4.Spoke to Sarah briefly on Mon, she was back in Yarmouth, so i posted her a Kat Slater type bikini and a cossie that she says will be too small.
5.Phoned Kay on Monday, she's off to Dubai at the weekend.....suppose my hair will wait till she gets home.
6.Molly loved her pressie and has chosen to sleep outside for the rest of the summer.
7.I have an infected hair folicle, where i've been doing my bikini line, antibiotics cleared it up the 1st time, but it's back, so i fixed it myself on Monday night with a pin, some surgical spirit and an icecube (should have got Tina round with her camera phone).
8.All the tap samples we have in at work are argos returns, i have discovered that if you take a £70 tap back and say you have lost your receipt, they will give you vouchers to the same monetary value.....mugs!
9.I am buying Steven's nearly new huge bed from him as he's off to OZ, i am very excited as my bed is old and rubbish, me and Andy Porraitt will be liking christening it next week, i'll wager.
10.How fucking good is big brother getting??, Saskia to go!!! i fucking hate her and want to grad hold of her, at either side of her tiny bonce and shake her till blood comes out of her eyes.
11.Last but not least, i have started the Scarsdale medical diet, it's only for 14 days and you can lose up to 20lbs, ace! It's fooking expensive though, oh well! I'm only doing it to kickstart myself into healthy eating and exercising, who am i kidding? it's not the food that's the problem, i'ts the lagertops and curries on a weekend, so G&T and Vodka at the weekend and i've to keep out of sloppy joes, i'll get Marlene to write me a note.

Morning! Its Wednesday the 29th of June.

Got very rudely awoken this morning by the thunder at 5.34 am, i was not a happy bunny! Anyway the only bonus was, I was actually on time, no, if fact early for work, and had time to make marvelous ham salad sandwiches, and had breakfast, I was proud as punch even had plans of having coffee before I started work, until someone pointed out that in fact it was Wednesday and I was not working till Thursday. TWIT!!!

so now I can catch up on blogging as its till only 8.45 and i have a full day to kill.
i don't think i need to add anything to Friday as Matt and Karen appear to have it covered it, besides I love clecksville, i do remember saying this quite a few times as there's no where else you can talk so much shite where other people actually agree and join in. Except Matt s who likes talk about unemployment , the next prime minister, and world economics, so like a true friend i even indulged him for a timed 12 mins on conspiracy theories. Then needed to get back to the beer cock and Karens tits it was Friday after all.

also i need to add my all time favorite moment so far this year. i'm stood drenched with diesel head to toe when Horner returned from the loo. she tapped me on the shoulder and said "i'm glad your my friend because"............. then looked at me,( it was like the munch bunch strawberry had been squashed i was oozing red juice everywhere) shook her head in disgust and wondered off.
think she changed her mind mid sentence. i know who my friends are!!!!!!

Saturday's covered too, and had a lovely bbq sunday.

Sarah was early........twice!!

Friday was fab, really really good......... was still glowing from Thursday evenings shag fest......forfeited disco kip to take Molly's pressie up to Sam's parents, there was noone in so i threw it over the garden fence into the back garden (no it wasn't fragile), like a shot putter, then went to get a fish butty, knew i should eat something before i went out as it was going to be a large one.

With it being such lovely weather all week, put an off the shoulder top and a white skirt on, but when it came to setting off, it was bloody raining......luckily Leeny gave us a lift, so we got to spoons and there was Elsworth on her 14th pint, well no not really but her 2nd, but she's never early....ever!
Ruth and Mark spotted a table, so me Spug and Sarah went and stood where they were sat, then Matt showed up and got a round, i went to help him at the bar, he repaid my kindness by shoving a fiver down my cleavage.

Within the next 1/2 hour, the following late comers had shown up, MJW, Mikey, Beth, Jo, Hayley, Tina, Rach and Dean. Bringing out little posse to 14 of us! AND to say i was going to stay in as noone was about!!!!!

I then bumped into Craig Aspinall outside the loos, he asked me if i'd anything to say for myself, erm no!! Then he accused me of leaving him on his own 2 Fridays ago in the curry house, God he's 32 yrs old,

he can find him way home by himself!!!
As if i'd just leave without saying bye!
We had 3 pints in spoons,(Sarah has 5) then sidled up to the Old house at home, where we just took over the entire 1st section and slowly drank ourselves silly, Steven and his mate Lindsey arrived, then Katy and Grant showed up.....hurrah!!
Which would have made 18 of us, if some people hadn't of disappeared, there's some strange folk about, people who actually prefer to go to a dead pub on their own, rather than be in the thick of it with everyone else.
Still, we sang and drank and were loud, we managed 5 pints before last orders, which worked out fine as Spug, Sarah, Matt, me and MJ were in a round........didn't realise how merry i was until i was showing Sarah my nipple (she's a nurse), i wouldn't let Matt see as he's not a nurse.

Regal, carcrash Sarah got another round (even though it wasn't her turn), she'd got a plan and was grinning from ear to ear as she turned round with 2 pints of Diesel, oh hecky thump!!
We mosied to the dancefloor, Sarah promptly threw 1/2 her drink down her top and some chav knocked mine over, so we both had an inch of diesel then Matt was rubbing his belly mouthing "curry".
I don't remember being in the sloppy jo's at all, but by all accounts Steven, Mj and Matt were all snogging! classy!!
I did my usual, ate 1/2 my meal, then said really loudly, i'll go book a taxi for us all.......then got in it and just went home on my own, while they were searching all of Clecks taxi ranks for me..........hahhhaaaaaa!

Jo daki taxi driver chatted me up all the way home, i played along then sat outside my house chatting drunkenly like he was my great mate, eventually was bored paid my fare £1.46, he'd actually said £2.50 but what a few coppers between friends...........!!
Got in and had a quick look at the new housemates on BB.

Saturday was up and about with bags of energy, phoned Matt and suggested we go to Frankie and Benny's for tea, phoned Sarah who was up even earlier than me and she said she's come along and drive whoopee!!
MJ didn't want to play as he doesn't like to drink 2 days running!

With it being lovely weather, i mowed the lawn, cleared the entire shed out and swept it all and put everything back really neatly and moved some smaller things into my waterproof storage box.
Sarah came at 4pm, well she was a few minutes early so she had to wait while i finished getting ready, she borrowed a cardigan, as we were to sit outside watching the cricket, got to the club after Sarah had changed into her jeans, in transit.........seriously, i won't even tell you that they were last nights jeans still with last nights knickers inside them.
Anyhow, i got a shandy Sarah had a diet coke and we sat with Warren and Caroline, waiting for Matt and his Dad to show up, watched Andy drop a catch and the rest of the 2nd team play really badly, it was all over before 7pm and Cleck had lost yet another game. Don't think they've won one this season.
Sat a while longer, chatting to Nicola and Carl, Spug had turned up to do her shift behind the bar from 6-8, she looked a bit cross i was down there without her and even crosser when we were going to eat and she couldn't come as she was working. Oh dear!

Said a quick hello to Andy and Deano after their showers, blanked the in-laws, Gill was giving me evils. Think her eyes were saying, keep your filthy mits off my little boy, you old nympho witch.......probably!!!
Dragged Sarah away from the tennis and we bundled into the car, where Matt played with Sarah's pants off the car floor........

Got up to the showcase and booked a table, Sarah got a round in, Sarah buys more drinks than anyone i know..........i feel bad now! AND she was driving AND drinking coke.
Pip was working and came over shrieking and air kissing and telling us it was his last Sat. to work and he's moving to Blackpool next week, for good!

The meal was nice, we had a combo starter platter between us, which had on it, deep fried broccoli, deep fried mozzarella, loaded potato skins, bread sticks, chicken strips, corn on the cob, onion rings, chicken wings, ribs and dips..............Matt flirted outrageously with our waiter and even found out his nickname from pip, Rambo!

We ate our mains, and had a 2nd pints, Sarah and i had chicken, Matt had ribs and strips i think, then Sarah and Matt wanted pudding, personally i know when I'm beat.......We had another pint, then realised it was 8.50pm and we'd been noshing, drinking and chatting for ages.
Quickly got a wriggle on and paid our bill, Ms. Elsworth dropped Matt and I at the club and she went off to baby-sit her nephews with Janet (she's such a good girl).
Matt was stuffed and wanted a double pernod, i got my 8th pint of the day..then we went to sit with Andy, Deano, Blacky and some others, Spug was with Hayley and Zak and said she was too tired to play out!

Matt and i got a taxi and we on one of the tall tables, soon to be joined by the cricket lads, all the girls were huddled by the window, we had 3 pints in there, well Matt had a double G&T, 1 Guinness and a tia maria...........the poofter!!

AP had seen his arse as they'd lost the cricket, i don't understand boys and their sports, but really he looked like someone had died, told him to take his miserable mug off home, Matt saw this as an opening to preach at me, how Andy was a very unsuitable match for me (he does this everytime i see him, speak to him or email him). He then got Caroline and Katy to join in.................la la la, i'm not listening!

He said he was far too full to go to the regal, we left and asked the lads what they were doing, Deano was up for pizza, Blacky wanted to pull, Andy wanted to go home and sulk, Matt wanted to stare up at the town hall in wonder and declare what a beautiful building it was (for Cleck). I sat on the steps outside the cobblers and tried to cheer Andy up, he's a moody fucker, it wasn't working had a quick kiss and a cuddle then off he went, think he was off to find Deano at the pizza place.

Matt then said he was up for whatever, i suggested going to the regal, sitting down, drinking more and talking bollocks, he readily agreed, so we did, Tina and Beth arrived they'd been looking all round Cleck for us!!!
We only seemed to have been in there 10 mins and all the lights came on, we'd had another 3 pints and i'd smoked 1/2 of Matt's fags as i'd done in all my 20.

The 4 of us got a cab up and i had a real wobble on, don't know why i'd not drunk that much!!!

Sunday the Sabbath, up, tescos, home, bath, full English breakfast, 2 wash loads, watered plants, Eastenders omnibus, roasted a chicken, read my book, made Mondays sandwiches, played with cats...........
No one phoned for Sunday shandies, Spug has fallen out with me, Sarah was at a bbq and Matt had gone home.
Was kind of glad as was very tired and had drunk enough Friday and Saturday to sink a ship.
Went up to bed at 10.30pm, got to sleep at around 1am, but still have had over 7 hours booze free sleep.

Glad!!!

It could only happen to me!

I came home last night and I have 60 ft scaffolding erected all across on the front of my house, right to the roof.

For no reason.

I haven’t asked for this, nor do I know what company has done it or how long it will be there until someone realises that it has been put up at the wrong address. I will probably come home tonight and have a new roof.

So meanwhile, I cannot see out of any of my windows for metal bars. I feel like I’m in jail.

All I’ve been able to do is instruct my neighbours to keep an eye out while I am at work and get a contact number off of any work men.
It’s either a fucking brilliant practical joke or just typical Rhodes luck!

Aggghhhhh!

Thursday evening

So it's arrived...the weekend!

Yippee, i get out of this place at 5pm prompt and am set free for 64 hours, to do anything i please.

We all know what will please me......Mmmm!

Last night as usual on a Thursday, i need to shave legs/bits, fake tan and pluck, preen and prepare to look beautiful for Friday evenings activities, so i called at Marlene's and chatted while i dropped her, her new mixer tap off.

Then little Dean called to say did i fancy some visitors, that's the 4th lot this week!
Funny how no one wants to be my mate in the winter, but as soon as spring is over, they all come knocking at the door wanting to sit out in my nice quiet garden! Hmmm!

So flew home to get all pampering out of the way quick sharp, pigging landline started ringing while i was in the bath, ignored it, the mobile starting ringing so sprinted downstairs, who's a calling? Helen Smith Hooray...so sat on bed for 1/2hr dripping wet like a 6 yr old that's just got out of the paddling pool and is waiting for your Mum to come and dry you, realised it was 7.30pm and visitors were imminent, got shut of mad Helen, quickly finished shaving legs, fake tanned and dried my hair, put p.j's on and rolled Pyjama legs up to enable fake tan to dry!!! attractive!??!

Threw pizza in the oven then got guests drinks and clotted cream scones (Megan ate 4).
Lovely evening chatting away, Matt S. phoned and left a message on answering machine, screeching "where are you?" phoned him back to be told he'd been waiting 17 mins for my call, he needed to confirm plans for this evening in Clecksville.......whoopee!!!

Felt positively blessed, great mates, lovely weather, the cats were basking in the sun, was fed and watered and it's weekend eve........perfect end to a perfect evening?? Andy Porritt phoned and came up and shagged me senseless......you know a really hot sticky no holds barred fuck........PERFECT!

What I have done today

Set off to work at 8.47am, look in rear view mirror and shriek in horror as I realise I have forgotten to put mascara on, cannot go to work looking like a new born hamster.

Run indoors, frightening cat 1/2 to death, apply make up and set off at high speed towards chainbar.

Arrive at work at 9.09am, feel strangely smug as I am the 1st one to arrive, then realising I am the only person IN work today.

Take 15 messages and write then on post-its for Leigh's return tomorrow.

Tidy office, then when David arrives he will be proud of me and probably double my salary.

Erect 2 more 3 wheeled (dogs bollocks) prams, to display in showroom and secretly wonder to myself if there is any room in my shed to nick another couple.

Empty bins and back-chat boss's son, for not taking binliners to skip for me, calling him yid boy and pansy for not wanting to get his hands mucky.

Send Matt S. 14 emails, re: big brother news, other junk and reasons why he should come to Clecksville this weekend.

Have cereal and chopped up banana at 11am for brekkie.

Boss arrived back from funeral (don't know who carked it) make him black coffee and pass on messages.

Go to morrisons for David 3 tubs of cottage cheese and myself a chicken leg.

Call at plumbers merchants on the way back to get Marlene a part for a mixer tap. (didn't have one).

Resort to plan B., steal brand new mixer tap from warehouse for Jim to take to pieces to retrieve spare part to fix Marlenes tap then she can wash up in peace.

Reply to Steven's email and email Spug to say I'm going out tomorrow incase she's not read the blog.

Get visitors diet cokes from fridge and nod in agreement when they say what a mad house we work in.

Drag large oscillating fan from warehouse and position it right by my desk and hide remote control from boss.

Book David a return ferry crossing for him and his bike from Plymouth to Santander.

Eat chicken salad and fruit, smoke fag out of window while swigging diet coke.

Email utter nonsense to Matt about Clecksville activities and what I intend to get up to this weekend.

Look on BB website for up to date news.

Ignore Mick warehouse boy when he comes in with no shirt on and starts talking bollocks, keep looking at monitor and keyboard until he disappears, mutter "wanker" when he is out of ear shot.

Drive down the bus lane to do the company banking, ignoring all limited access signs.(what are they going to do send me to jail?).

Wonder WHY THE FUCK, i never have any time to do real work.

Change of plan

As you know i'm meant to be staying in on Friday night, but i've heard a whisper that Elsworth is back in town, oh it's a sign..........
It wasn't meant to be, staying in is for losers.

This heat is lovely, it's not too warm, like the weekend and when it's sunny everyone is in a better mood!

Not done much as usual this week, need to conserve my energy for disco dancing at the weekend.

Monday evening, watered the garden plants, made spag bol, went to bed at 9pm to read, then Sam phoned and had a 10 mins. natter until Big Brother, then watched Shameless (top fooking programme), slept like a baby, which is odd as i never sleep on Monday nights!!!!!


Tuesday, boss was a shit from hell, he's dieting which always makes him moggy! plus he'd siezed his car engine up on his Jag.........hadn't put any oil in it, 7k for a new one oops!!
Hence the mood in the office yesterday was shite.........
Glad to get home last night, Steven came for tea....we ate in the garden as he's allergic to moggys.
As usual we ate like kings, enchilladas and potato wedges, dips, salsa and tortillas, with clotted cream and jam scones, much better to sit round stuffing your face and clogging your arteries than going swimming as intended.
He left after he'd watered the garden and we'd both nearly choked laughing at the little boy from number 1, who was shouting over the fence "does your big cat like dancing?".
Steven laughed so much that his fizzy pop came down his nose.

Ironed entire ironing pile whilst watching Holby City, then vegged though Cutting it and up to bed at 10pm for BB. Yawn!!!

Today, have bags of energy, which is a good thing as i've been run ragged with errands and the like........
Been to the jewellers, bank, post office, M&S, Argos, Boots, Klikpoint, have managed to spend a fortune on my travels on tat i didn't need, fags (needed them), Steven some shorts (for Oz), spangley black shoes (well it is summer), new bedding ( nothing like crisp new bed clothes), fetched photos from Paul's wedding last weekend (cool).
Got i'm buggered, 4pm, it's too late to start doing any work.

Marlene had just called to ask me to call in at t.time then she can tell me about her tap!!??!
Deep joy!

Also MJ is calling this evening for a catch up and a choux (shoe) bun. Hooray!
Weekend eve tomorrow, i know you shouldn't wish your life away, but working weeks are too long!

So anyhow everyone, who wanted to come up to mine on Friday are uninvited as i need to go to the boozer with Sarah, Sooorreey!!!!!!!!

I got drunk on Thursday

And now after over 2200 words, I'll bore you further still with a description of Thursday night. I'd been to Chester during the day to a records management meeting and got back at 17.00. I went lnto town to do some shopping: trousers, hair wax, an engagement card for Michelle, a wedding card for Janet, shake n vac, tea bags, and £75 in Debenham's vouchers for Janet from work.

Then I decided to go for a couple of pints. Originally I planned to stay for 3 pints, then after getting the taste and deciding to stay for karaoke I changed my mind and decided to stay till 22.00 and then at 21.45 I changed my mind again and decided to stay till I was pissed. I drank and drank and drank: I think I had 10 pints.

At the karaoke I sang That's Amore, Delilah, The Wonder of You and The Lion Sleeps Tonight. That's Amore was shit as I'd forgotten how it goes, Delilah, The Wonder of You and The Lion Sleeps Tonight were better and I got big claps which are always appreciated. I don't remember much else about the evening except that there were a lot of fit men about and that I was sat next to two lesbians whom I had a bit of a chat to and then they were replaced by other lesbians whom I also talked to. I know I went for a wee 4 times and twice ended up talking to an Indian who complimented me on my singing asking if I was trained and saying that I should do it professionally (he obviously didn't hear me sing That's Amore!)

Left at about 00.30, not that I really remember leaving and when I got home I shook n vacced and vacced the whole flat and did a load of washing and somehow managed to get to work for 09.00 without a hangover.

Sometimes the ability of my liver to cope amazes and worries me: except for my eyes and tongue its the only bit of my body ever to get any exercise but, God, after the amount of stick it gets, it must be fucking fit!

Saturday and Sunday

Will and I finally got to bed at about 4 and at 8.30 I was up having a shit. Then I went back to bed and tried to have a sleep so I slept for the odd five minutes here and there for the next 45 minutes or so before I was awoken by something quite shocking! I had had a wet dream. Now I won’t bore you with the dream itself - although it was very good and thankfully featured nobody I knew – all I shall say is that it was most enjoyable even if it was perhaps a little messy. This is what you get after only one wank in 14 days!

Had some nosh (Sainsbury’s taste the difference muffins are delicious) watched BB from the night before (how weird is Sam?). Went into town and had a look round a few shops – Lewin (bought some silk knot cufflinks and collar bones) Thomas William (bought a doorstop and a non stick pan scraper), M&S, (had a coffee, coke and a Florentine), Selfridges (looked at caviar, luggage and champagne), the Arndale centre (eyed up the chavs, shook our heads at how awful shopping centre food courts are, wondered if there is a real branch of Spud-U-Like, prayed at the temple of pastry that is Greggs, considered spitting on people’s ice-creams (and yes, complained that other people were chavs!) and looked in my favourite shop in the world and raved on about the sirloin steak, the Barnsley chops and the nice ribs) and Debenham’s (where we camped it up in the homeware section, eyeing up a cute customer buying a pan, eyed up the bored assistant on the Wedgwood and cutlery till, pretended we were using corkscrews, considered buying an electric show polisher and finally wore ourselves out – being outrageously arch is very tiring you know!) We then walked down to Canal Street which even at 2.30 was really busy! And god was it hot!! We managed to get a really nice seat, in the window of Via Fossa, but the windows had all been opened and they were like big sliding French windows so we got to sit in the shade at a proper table with glass glasses but it felt like being outside. Sadly it was a table for diners so we each had a sandwich – and mine was v nice. Christ and Mick came in for lunch (each with matching pint T shirts and ¾ length trousers (despite Chris being 1/3 the size of Mick), we spotted the Indian guy from Friday and Saturday and for almost 3 hours just watched the world and lots of fit men go by. What a lovely afternoon.

Wandered back home via Sainsbury’s, had an hour’s kip watching the Simpson’s, had a nice beef sandwich (with a very nice dressing I made of balsamic vinegar, oil, maple syrup and mustard), got dressed into our fancy togs and we were back in the bar in no time. Went to the Pev of the Peak across the road from me and it was heaving!! Then we made our way to the Town Hall for the wedding.

Now, the night do started at 9pm which I thought was quite late anyway but everything was delayed so the speeches didn’t get finished till 10.30 and then everyone seemed to disappear. Chatted to some work friends including Dan and his fit new boyfriend (Will and I both would have) and we also spent a long time chatting up the manager of the Hospitality Service, Satish, he was as fit as. To coin a phrase of Maxwells, he was “off the hook”. Anyway we chatted to Jan and Olly and in the end all was well but the music came from a band who played mid tempo songs from the 60s 70s and 80s and it wasn’t really good dancing music, and you had to make your way through the room where the reception was to get to the dance floor so we sloped off not long after 11.30 only to discover another party in the Town Hall with really good music and with loads of really well dressed fit young men piling out of it. We realised we should have been in this party rather that the one we’d been invited to.

So we wandered onto Canal Street and it was heaving – the busiest I’ve ever seen it: hundreds of pooves, birds, hen nights, Chinese people selling glowing stuff, flower sellers, bouncers and even straight men. There were also millions of plastic glasses everywhere. Now I hate plastic glasses but I hate pubs not collecting them up or at least providing a bin even more. There must have been tens of thousands of plastic glasses, accumulated over twelve hours of drinking all over the road. It was foul. Going home we saw one of those mini road sweepers trying to suck them up to no avail. It looked like when ants kill a massive beetle. The road sweeper was overwhelmed and was being eaten alive by the empty plazzy glasses.

We went to Velvet but it was dead, then Taurus but that was not much better. We were entertained by a fit bloke falling asleep but that was it. We then ventured to Via Fossa and found a table right at the back away from everyone (negating the point of being in a bender bar) where Will had a go at me for not wanting to meet anyone on the internet. I am quite happy doing what I am doing but Will couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to try the internet which I think can be a little bit seedy and desperate and certainly more contrived than meeting blokes in pubs. Anyway when we got our next drinks we moved downstairs and I flirted with Chris, we eyed up loads of really fit lads and made up for being in the dark corner for the previous pint. Sadly no action was had by either of us but not to worry, I’m sure it won’t be long before some freaky thief comes on to me pretending he wants to fuck me in order to nick some of my hard earned cash and electronic goods.

Sunday, I got up for a shit at 8 and was relieved that I hadn’t jazzed all over my PJs again. Fell asleep in front of the TV watching the Discovery Channel’s “How it’s made”, seeing how they made paper, CDs, toilets, cosmetics, glass. Then I had a dream about David Frost talking about interviewing people only to wake up and realise that that was what was on TV. Will had got up and switched over.

The rest of Sunday wasn’t too exciting so I’ll run through it quickly: had breakfast, left for Piccadilly and realised it was swelteringly hot (thirty degrees) and started to sweat, I was sweating about the same amount as the Amazon expels into the sea and my clothes were a soggy mess, we dropped of bag, went for lunch in a lovely pub the English Lounge which had lovely food I asked for Stella and they’d run out and the nice waitress girl said to me “Sorry about your Stella, babe” which was nice. We stayed in there too long and then rushed back towards Piccadilly, Will had to run because I was so slow and because his train was leaving shortly so we departed at Oldham St but I went onto the Station and saw the train off. I then got a cab home, stripped down to my boxers and put on a vest and slept through Harry Potter that I’d put on the DVD player although I kept getting woken up by the massive raindrops and hailstones between 4 and 6 as they made their way to Thirsk (poor Christine Challis). Had cornflakes for dinner and some chocolate, watched Another Stakeout, did some washing and went to bed.

Friday Night

Will came up at the weekend. He was due to arrive at 17.25 so my train at 17.11 was perfect except all the trains were running 25 minutes late and so I rung for a taxi but it didn’t arrive till 17.25 and then took 20 minutes to get there but all ended well when I got to the station. Then Will had problems getting money out of the cash machine, then Sainsbury’s didn’t sell pancetta and then Sainsbury’s had put their Marlo Lights up to £5.09 a packet!! I screamed out at this news – Will said I was camp but since I am the straightest man in the world … well second straightest, after MJW, I don’t believe him.

We got home had some pasta and were back out sharpish. We had a couple in Via Fossa. We happily sat down in a corner until some evil person turned off the lights so we couldn’t see so we moved to a more central position. It was good for me as I could see young Chris and he could see me and he was flirting outrageously. When we decided to go I asked him if he’d had a nice day off the day before (ooh I should remember to Blog Thursday next) and he thought that I’d asked him when his next day off is so somehow and all as a result of him mishearing me I am meeting him in the pub tomorrow night. I need to be careful though. He’s a really nice boy but I don’t to end up in an awkward position with his boyf, the manager of my local so I’m going to try and just have a chat and a flirt and nothing more.

Anyway we ended up in Churchills. It was quite busy and as I always do with company (except Karen because she comes for the karaoke) we ended up in the quiet end, watching two men who looked like younger brothers of Christopher Biggins and their friends, one of whom looked like the Algerian/Italian parented Frenchman I shagged in October and the other was the Indian guy from last night who complimented me on my singing. Anyhew, we carried on drinking, I had a Guinness with Tia Maria which was lovely and is my new favourite drink but they won’t serve it at Churchills, you have to do it yourself, pouring in the TM into the Guinness. At a quarter to 11 Steven and Ricky arrived. Will wasn’t as taken with Ricky as me, althought I had perhaps oversold him as he was all I’d talked about all evening. And the fact that I also fancied Steven and that he was a really nice funny guy. It became apparent after about five minutes that Ricky was absolutely mullered, so much so that it was all rather amusing. He kept telling me that he knew I fancied him but he didn’t care as he was straight, then admitted to getting off with some bloke, then told us the story about how he told his dad that he’s got his brown wings and how his mum and dad had ended up having to ask Ricky’s sister’s wife what that meant as they didn’t know – we also were told his cock was 9½ inches long which I don’t even care whether its true or not – I just like thinking about it! Ricky then decided to chat up some not very nice looking girl at the next table but within five minutes he was sat back with us with his tail between his legs. It was like watching a living car crash, but all very amusing!

Steven, Will and Ricky all wanted something to eat so we decided we’d have a curry. We got in a taxi and made our way down to Rusholme and on the way Ricky wound down the window and was shouting “Fucking Slag” to literally every woman we drove past. The rest of us hid our heads in shame until we reached curry mile. Will was amazed by it: how tacky and lit up it was, how many curry houses there were – the lot! We went to the Tabak so I could see my favourite waiter (but he wasn’t there) and it seemed to have changed. There was a sort of buffet bar where you paid a certain amount and could eat off there as much as you wanted but we all wanted proper curry and so ordered off the menu: three bhunas and one dopiaza, two rice and 8 chapattis. In the mean time we had poppadoms which were lovely and everyone avoided the nasty cabbage dip. Ricky spilt mango chutney all over his groinal area which I mopped up. When it arrived, it was possibly the hottest curry I’ve ever had. Poor Will’s was so hot for him that they offered to replace it with a korma. Ricky’s was too hot and he started shouting and bawling at the waiter to our extreme embarrassment, effing this and cunting that. We all had to apologise for quite how drink he was. The waiter was very good about it and even rang a taxi for us. We got the taxi man to drive us to Piccadilly to drop off Steven and Ricky. Even up to the point where we dropped them off, Ricky seemed very keen to stay at my flat which was both titillating and confusing – anyway we say them off and Ricky gave me about £11 for the taxi which was double what it cost but Steven said keep it so I did!

Got a text from Steven saying that Ricky had been telling a massive group of girls to fuck off on the train for 20 minutes - classy lad!

morning!

hello, i'm back! mr stephenson hit the nail on the head i have been having a marathon sleep, it is what i do best.
so might as well end there as that really is all i have done this week, but the sun is out now and i have a weeks holiday hoorah. i'm sure i can make up for the past week.
so whats this business of staying in on friday night, i can almost taste the diesel already.

This weekend, i have mostly been.....sweating!

I'm not going to spend too much time, discussing Friday, nothing out of the ordinary happened, i wore a pink linen skirt much to the amusement of erm, everyone in Cleck, it was hot damn it and i am a girl..........
Well it was nice and warm so we got plastic glasses and had our beers outside spoons, John Porritt and Claire were there with Katy (hiya Karen), Debbie and another girl.
Turnstiles was dead as a dodo, don't know what's happened to the place!!, had 1 in there, then up to the Old house at Home for a change........we stayed there all night as someone said the station wasn't letting anyone in because of a fight!
Richard Townsend (Sarah's past fuck buddy), asked me to play the spot the difference machine with him, so we played on that a while.......We only had 1 in the regal, i needed to be in bed early, as i wanted to be fresh as a daisy for Saturday.
Beth got a taxi, Tina, me and Hayley went to the slop house then shared a taxi home....ooh Tina was drunk, she doesn't often get drunk, but she was slurring!!!!!
Bed for 1.00am

Saturday...........what a scorcher!!
No hangover....hurrah! let cats out to play and told them to be home for 11.00am, donned on my wedding attire (long floaty floral skirt and twin set pink vest and sparkly cardigan ensemble) ooh! i looked special..........
Arrived at the church at 11.30am, (St. Andrews in Morley), sat with Leigh and his wife and mad boss David, who fell asleep during the 1st prayer, the ceremony was lovely Hymns were "lord of all hopefulness" which is my favourite and "sing hosanna" which Leigh loved, being Jewish it was quite a novelty for them, although he did ask on Friday if we'd be singing "oh come oh ye faithful? no Leigh that's a Christmas Carol.
Lindsey looked lovely, then all brides do.......she was 20 mins late and Paul did look a tad worried.

Well it all went swimmingly and we ferried to the reception at the Woodlands hotel on Geldard Road, the food was divine, the heat was fucking unbearable, i was sweating like a horse, David had to turn down the soup as he had a mental sweat going on, the 4 of us from Fernway Ltd, were sat with the 3 most boring couples in history, one of the blokes was even quieter than AP, the speeches were 100 times better than the ones at Lee's wedding and it was all done and dusted for 5pm........sped home and took wringing wet outfit off and had another bath, let cats out and told them to be back for 6.30pm, donned on cooler evening outfit, short sleeved top, shorter linen skirt and sandals, much better.........let cats in who were waiting on the doorstep as they'd been instructed and picked Steven up at 6.35pm, drove back to the Woodlands and were sat on the terrace by 6.45pm with a pint of lagertop and Guinness respectively, happy days..........rest of work colleagues arrived, David and Elliott, Leigh and wife, Zulu warrior and Scarey fucking bird Sarah, who loves her watersports and i don't mean jet skiing.

The evening do, was the best wedding night do i have ever been to, the drink was flowing........the music was cheesy, it was held in a huge white Marquee, the bride Lindsey had drunk all the contents of the minibar in the bridal suite and had thrown up everywhere, Paul was wellied (what a classy couple), by 10pm Pauls brother Mark, was so drunk he started a fist fight with their dad and had to be restrained then sent home in a taxi, hahhaaaaaaaaaa, every wedding should have a scrap, oh and a pissed groom and a bride with a green face, after she's yakked and all her mascara clumped together!!!
Brilliant!


Next came an Elvis impersonator, he was fucking excellent, oh Steven and i were in our element, we sang to all the songs and took over the dance floor, fab!!
He came round the ladies in the audience, and crooned you individually and left a blue satin scarf round your neck, he then went back to the stage and collected another scarf and moved on to a different lady........well i was one of the girls he picked, Steven dared me to wait while he'd finished the next number then take the scarf back with a crazed look on my face and say into the mic really loudly "you left this over there, i nearly went home with it".

After 9 lagertops i was up for anything, we laughed so much i thought i was going to wee, my sides were hurting, i'd cried all my mascara off, the poor guy was trying to force the scarf on me saying, "no it's for you to keep"......hahhaaaaaaaa!! GENIUS!

The bar shut at midnight,Boo................. this was after we'd taught everyone on the dancefloor how to dance to Tiffany and Mental as anything, some old man was telling me he was sat behind me in church and didn't i have a beautiful voice, ah bless! what a nice thing to say......party goers started to disperse, Steven and i got a taxi to the regal (well worth it for 1/2hr, think Steven was hoping to see Beth, he never said as much, but he was quite insistent on going)......we had one drink, then taxied home and were in Bedfordshire at 1.30am........what an excellent night!!!!

Sunny Sunday.............
Fuck the heat was horrid, was woken at 5.20am, by an alarm going off in one of the new houses, fell back asleep until 11am.....then couldn't bear it any longer, flung open every window and door in my abode, cats crawled into the garden desperately looking for shade.

Horrid, horrid, did lots of sweating and sighing, eventually washed and dressed and Marlene took me to Woodlands to fetch my car, called in there's for a drink and gave Jim his crate of Caffreys and Fathers days card and 4 hoisted ties.

Listened to Ruth Friday nights escapade, JESUS MARY MOTHER OF GOD!
I have never in all my born days, been as drunk as that.........Mark has grounded her, personally i think she is one damn lucky lady.
Dropped Mark and Ruth off at Marks and went home, just before the heavens opened, Hallelujah!!

Then decided to do some cooking in just my pants, made a huge chilli and a tomato, bacon, chicken and mushroom pasta with tomato and mascarpone sauce, froze 4 portions of each, then flew in the bath, (4 in 2 days), then Andy Robinson picked me up at 6.30pm, with Jenna and Spug in the car. He dropped us off at spoons, where we caught up on all weekend gossip, Jenna snogging Joff after the golf dinner on Friday THEN shagging his side kick, good on her, that'll show him.
Have decided Jenna has balls of steel and she's not to be messed with!
We had 2 pints in there, it was dire and is only good for Sunday shandies if there is a lot of you, we moved to the Commercial which was even quieter, then decided we should cut our losses and not traipse round Cleck looking for action we were never going to find, so we bundled into a taxi to the cottages, Spug poured 3 glasses of vino and i put my P.J's on.

Settled down to Muriel's wedding chick flick, ate Doritos, Tzatziki and nobby's chilli nuts, drank wine till the end of the film, Spug is working a late next Friday so have decided to stay in to save some pennies and get a takeaway and watch a dvd, so everyone welcome.

That's it, what a great great weekend, they just seem to get better and better!
Missed Andy though! doh! what a schmuk!

Sex, booze and Sunday lunch...

God I cannot be arsed today!! at all!! Had to get a taxi in as I missed my bus. Made the mistake of setting my alarm after I had removed my contact lenses, so indeed it was set for 9.30am instead of 7.30am. That is the third time that has happened too. What a spaz!

Friday, I managed a 14 hour stretch of pure kip. I shit you not! It was the closest thing to being in a coma I imagine. Matt was watching REM with his Mum (?) in Manchester, so I was able to sleep rather than being pestered for sex (which I don't mind really) Saturday was up at 9am, felt so awake like I had snorted a gramme of whizz. I put a wash load in, ate breakfast of marmite on toast, coffee and fag, accepted my delivery from Next Directory lady (bought new bikini mate out of the catalogue) hung washing out, went for a sun bed.
Matt arrived around lunch time with 24 cans of carlsberg export. I love him! We sat in the garden drinking and smoking. It was my good mate Polly's birthday so we bobbed over there with beers and proceeded to get very shit faced in her back yard. I cannot remember leaving. Apparently I went to stand up to go and kind of fell straight back. If Matt wasn't there to catch me, I beleive I would have smashed my head open on concrete step and be sat in casualty for the rest of the weekend. Decided to leave.

Picked a fight with Matt when we finally got home becasue I had consumed so much wife beater, I indeed wanted to 'beat my wife'. As I don't have one (well, she was out) Matt copped the brunt. I made soup (?) had another beer, burst into tears and went to bed. What a twat!

Woke up at 6am Sunday morning looking like Alice Cooper due to impromptue bawling, and a mouth like ghandies flip flop.
Sorted ourselves out, put a towel load in the wash, went to McDonalds for dirty scran. Had quick whip round house while Matt took a shower, (apologised, sort of, for being a cock, even though it was probably him winding me up) Met Sarah and her boyfriend for Sunday lunch.
I had roast beef and a cranberry H20! Matt had beef and a shandy.
Met Polly and Melissa in the Oak in Headingley later where we did shots of sambuka for dessert and drank a shit load more stella. Went into Harpo's pizza shop for a kebab, but Sarah did the smelliest fart that made everyone gip, so we left. Got back to Sarah's house to carry on drinking more booze and disco dance in her loft. Matt was busting his 'Take That' moves (which he was scarily good at) Sarah was break dancing while her boyfriend was on the decks.

For some reason, I couldn't get pissed. Matt was leathered. Told me he wants to marry me and me have his kids. I told him to have a coffee and get to bed!

Had a great shag, fell asleep at 2am.

Much better

Oh i do like it when other people blog, noone wants to read their own news, i guess because you already know it!

Good old Emma, back from her jollies!

Welcome Rich.

Plus Matt's always welcome posts.

Well i have fuck all news, work is a complete farce, as David is biking around Europe.........Leigh has done in next weeks wage on Betfair.
The warehouse lads are putting in an average of 3 hours a day.

Paul is keeping busy as he gets married on Saturday, so is doing random jobs to keep his mind off it. He is at present "flashing up the showroom", i helped by taking some bubble wrap to the skip.
Fuck off i am not lazy, i was driving an artic last week (well a Luton).

Done nothing again this week, it really is best when you get to my age to give your liver a reprieve of at least 4 days, when you hang around with mentalists.

So Monday night i had a pizza, Matt phoned for 1 1/2hrs, i went to bed and read then watched BB.

Last night, went to the doctors so was home at 4pm, Hoorah!
Stripped both beds, washed and put clean bedding on, then washed all tiles in bathroom and fitted new loo seat. Made pork chops, veg and jacket spud, also sandwiches for work.
Filled all bird feeders, then watched Easties, Holby, Cutting it ( i was balling my eyes out, so glad i live alone).
Went up to bed for BB at 10pm. How funny was Craig, mimicking the singing on the pirates ship, i was peeing my pants.

No plans for this evening, other than........maybe call at Marlene's, need to take Leeny that ironing board round.
Plus Sam's phoning as she's been too busy to mail me (i know the feeling).
MJ mailed today to say he can't play out on Friday as he's doing a 1/2 marathon, he's a funny boy........i'm adamant i could eat a Full snickers and still have time to go out to the pub.

So 2 more sleeps until weekend, yippee..i've bought some pink sparkly shoes (there's no place like home) at lunchtime, so will endeavour to fuck them up in the regal on Friday night, then Paul's wedding on Saturday...........I'm so looking forward to it...........am not taking AP even though he promised to go with me, i never even mentioned it...he would be shaking like a shiting dog and am near certain would never recover from the interrogation my work mates would give him.

So am taking Steven.............oh hecky thump, light the blue touch paper and stand well back.

Well if everyone is blogging then so am I

And also I told Karen that I would blog because a healthy blog needs lots of people to talk crap not just a couple (the rest of you take note).

Well if anyone is interested in finding out more about our new Token Southerner, its the same Rich who blogs on the other blog (seeyouinhell.blogspot.com). All you need to know is that he is a freaky mentalist wierdo.

Just about recovered from the LSE posse coming up at the weekend. The flat is nice and tidy again and all I need to do in preparation for Will coming up at the weekend is clean all the floors, wash my bedding on Thursday and a bit of ironing. As Karen pointed out it will be a weird weekend with a gayer, a gayer who's a straight, a straight whose a gayer and a straight!! What a weird combination! Anyway I have my eyes on the straight boy, I just hope we bump into the other Matty who goes into some pubs on Canal Street as they could be twins.

Ooh in case anyone is interested I counted my ties last night. I have 106.

Erm, update on the robbery - the police came last week and nice lady PC Brown is coming again next Thursday to take a formal statement. All but one of my cards have been replaced and I have a new phone. All I need now is an Ipod but I just can't thoil one.

Token Southerner

Can I just say how honoured and proud I am to have been invited to join the Northern community of mentalists that is Lagertops.

I hope that I can live up to your high (well low, depending on which way you look at it) standards and will do my best to not let any of you down.

Thank you all kindly.

Richard

Ibiza baby!!

I was so excited in the run up to my holiday I could have shit my pants! Have been a little crap just recently as now I am coupled up, so I was looking forward to letting my hair down and getting twatted.

Arrived in Ibiza with the wife 3am Sunday morning. Big German offered to carry my bag up the million stairs to our apartment, which was nice/weird. 'I carry your bag ja?'.
Had disco kip and was up at 9am ready for the beach. We needed tickets for Space opening (£45 bleedin quid!) dodgy drug pushers were selling them on the beach, so we purchased 2 tickets and 10 pills off of a small Spaniard man wearing a sun visa
As we couldn't contain our excitement, we fucked off the beach, into the off licence and bought vodka, San Miguel and 200 fags. Got wasted in apartment.

Speed marched down to Space absolutley wired. Space is a legendary fantastic night club that kicks off in the day and last's all night. We were in the queue with thousands of beautiful drugged up people, sun was shining, happy days! For some reason, we were plucked out of the queue and led to the front. The only reason we can think of is that we were so wasted and there was a TV crew filming and maybe we weren't giving the right impression, or maybe the fact Farida looks like a Spanish maid.

Cannont remember a great deal, the terrace was amazing, the music was fab and the atmosphere was typical Ibiza craziness. Ace! Farida started speed necking with some random black guy, while I started chatting to his mate, girl called Claire from Leeds! hurrah! We went for a wonder while black guy fed Farida MDMA powder, E's and other various narcotics. When they finally stood up, this guy was 7ft tall! no shit! nose bleed height!

Me and the wife and our new mate Claire, decided to head off back to our balcony to get more wrecked as Space became a little hectic. Passed out later.

Monday - DC10 opening party. Another famous club with an outside terrace, good tunes etc. Met our Beach guy again and purchased cocaine and pills for the day/night at DC10. New mates Claire and Cassey (7ft black guy) in tow. It was ace! danced till I was physically sick!
Me and the wife tried to get a cab as we had had enough, but it was proving impossible. We then got approached by an Argentinian beautiful man who said he would take us back to our apartments for 10 euro. We jumped at the chance. Didn't even care if we got raped as he was a)smaller than me b) we were wasted c) he was fit anyway so it wouldn;t be that bad.
Arrived home and lumped on with more drugs and San Miguel.

Claire (3rd contestant) arrived at out apartment later to crack on with us. She was meant to be flying back that evening at 11.30pm, but she had lost her mate Cassey (giant) and was too wrecked to go, so she stayed with us and missed her flight! we ventured out later for a beer, (which we didn't pay for as we just forgot) then passed out again.

Claire needed some cash for a flight home. On the off chance that her mate Cassey had missed his flight too and his bags were still in left luggage, she knew there was a spare £300 kicking around in his suit case. (He's loaded) and yes! he'd also missed his flight, his bags were still there and she had a fist full of £20 notes! party on!

We decided that as we had rinsed the narcotics somewhat, we should plan an evening out in San Antonio (home of Cafe Del Mar etc) We were on the balcony again getting happily trollied on rum and cokes, when there was a knock at the door. In staggers Cassey wearing 3 day old clothes covered in sand! He'd been at some villa with loads of randoms getting off with a Swiss guy! yes he was bisexual! Little bit of a shock to Farida, but I don't think she particually minded. So we all trapsed off to San An, shit faced. Farida speed necking with the big black bi giant and me unable to walk, Claire blind. Got back to the apartments and threw my guts up.

Wednesday, so ill I couldn't move. Boring, horrible, hungover day! couldn't even muster the energy to get brown in the sun! Wednesday night, our new found friends headed home on an alternative flight.

Thursday - As Cassey still had some stuff left that he obviously couldn't take home with him, me and the wife got wasted again. Hung out on Bora Bora beach for the beach parties, and went round the local bars gurning like freaks.

Friday and Saturday we just chilled out and I actually managed to get a tan. Hate to say it, but it kicked in that I was really missing Matt. Oh dear. Then managed to convince myself in my head that he will want to finish with me as I sent him a text and he didn't reply. Matt loves his beer, but not so much the drugs and clubbing scene. Thought he may have come to his senses and got a nice girl. Started feeling home sick and was on the verge of a big come down.

Boarded the plane at fucking 3am sunday morning. We had to vacate our apartments at 11am Saturday, so we literally were bumming around. Emma 'no fixed abode' Rhodes. I literally ran out of conversation with Farida and we were sick of the sight of each other! hee hee!

The flight home was cramped, cold and horrible. Started to feel lousey. Landed in Leeds at 5am Sunday morning. Collected our bags and made our way to get a taxi. Who should be stood there to collect us but my Matt!! he'd not dumped me afterall! hurrah!
We went home and I had the best shag ever!
Then me and Matt went for a dirty breakfast at Morrisons Cafe on Kirkstall Road.

Perfect end to a fucking ace holiday!!

I love weekends

Friday worked out well, i didn't need a disco kip as I'd slept 11 hrs Thursday night (through no fault of my own, just shut my eyes at 9.15pm, for 1/2hr and woke up Fri. a.m when the alarm went off for work). So, we met at Tina's at 7pm.the taxi arrived at 7.30pm and Beth, Tina, Hayley and me picked Colleen up in Heckmondwike, we got out at Jo's then got another taxi to Batley, went to 7 pubs in total.....Spoons, i had a beer and some crisps, Auction rooms, beer and a free shot, Jessops, Simypops was a doorman, Random! had a beer in there, then mooched to Oakland's, i had a beer (Jo, Beth and Hayley were on cheeky vimto's, that's a blue wkd with a shot of port), Legends next....erm? oh yeah i had a beer, then we went to the brand new Brooklyn, they charged £1 for a shot of lemonade, we ended up in Boulevard, i had 1/2 lager.......then made the decision to go back to Cleck, i really couldn't face the frontier, plus I'd forgotten my cardigan!

So i left the 5 of them erm, sat down looking a bit glum i think, apart from Colleen who was swinging some random guy round by his tie, Hayley had come down from whatever she'd been on when she was seen busting shapes in Legends.........strange girl!

So i flagged a cab, the taxi driver was chatting away asking me if i could drive, told him i drove a lorry to shut him up, £10 to get home, drove past the regal steps and there was Steven, my little bro..........hooray it's a sign, dragged him back in the regal as he was on his way home, he told the bouncers he'd been in once, so i snook in without paying behind him.
Hahaaaaaaaaa, ooh it was good to be home, you can take the girl out of Cleck, but you can't take Cleck out of the girl...... there was loads of folk in the regal i knew, Ricky Stead, Danny Squires gave me a kiss and swung me round and asked where Andy was, erm? in bed i guess!, James and James were on the dancefloor, had a quick natter then James bought me a Smirnoff ice, rock on! stayed until 1am, then went for a curry with Craig Aspinall (who thinks i've made AP up) and big nosed Richard, got sat with Darren Whitworth and Russell Noble (who vouched for AP's Existence).
Craig was laughing like a drain as Javved knew my order without asking me.........the shame! erm that's it, Richard demolished the biggest starter in the world and a chicken tikka masala, with rice and a naan.........he was one hungry boy!
Taxi home and in bed for 1.45am.

Saturday, up and about at 11am (which is early for me). Took Steven his birthday card and present round, then decided to treat him to lunch, but i could chose where as i was paying, Gray Ox it was, had a gorgeous meal, Steven acted the goat as expected, apologised to the other diners on the way out and tipped excessively to compensate.
Picked Marlene up from work at 3pm, slowed the car down and threw her out at home, then went and pottered in the garden for an hour, laid some more bark, watered the plants and weeded, then got ready to go to the club, decided to wear new jeans again (against my better judgement), they're far too small, so spent the next 6 hours in absolute agony!!

Note to self.....burn new jeans, no matter how expensive they were as i can't even put lip-gloss in pocket as this subtracts another inch from waistband.

Where was i?
Oh yeah, Leeny gave me and Spug a lift at 5.30pm as it looked like rain, well it looked like we were too lazy to walk. The 2nd team were batting when we got there, it was too chilly to sit and watch as we'd forgotten our tartan rugs to cover our knees, so we steamed into the bar and drank for England, i alternated my drinks with a lagertop and shandy scenario, to prevent me going blind with drink!!

By the time the cricket had finished (losers draw), we were quite merry.....Cloughy was asking me if i remember falling out of the taxi a week last Friday, erm!! moving on, Hemmy and Joff were both wellied for a change, some strange man with Ginger hair and a lower hopton top on, was chatting me up, don't know who the fuck he was, he was just stood at the side of me saying "i think you're lovely, i can't stop staring at you, my mate said you might be married, your not are you?"..........i was just laughing in his face being Northern and good at taking compliments.
So we sat round having our, 9th ? pint, oh heck.........make no wonder i was woolly, Tina and Beth had joined us after they'd finished work at 10, Jenna was also present, she also wanted to kill me as i blurted something out about JW as there was a lull in conversation.........oh heck! offered to pay her, but she was having none of it and is holding me ransom over any AP gossip she can shout out at an inappropriate moment.

The boys went on into Cleck and we followed just before last orders, me and Spuggy got a double vodka, lime and lemonade, then the last orders bell was rung, all the girlies, bar Jenna who doesn't do the regal, went on to the exclusive wine bar for more drinking and dancing. Mr. Porritt didn't want to go (unless i really wanted to go), as he's been up since 5am.......quote "the wheels of industry don't stop turning, just coz you can't get your butt out of bed on a weekend Karen"..........ooh sorry!!

So we were at home before the 12, having a stella ligging on the sofa.
Nearly choked when Andy asked why one of my cats was massive and the other one small!!!??!
Told him i didn't feed the little one, to which he responded "why, don't you like her?"....... Give me strength!, you see people wonder what i see in him, his classic one liners have got to contribute to his endearing character!!!
Chatted a while about some other drek, last weeks wedding, Steven's birthday, cricket, what was i doing having curry with Craig Aspinall?
Up to bed and lights out for 1am. was told to keep the noise down as i was arriving or i'd wake the neighbours..........

Saw him out Sun a.m and thought i'd have a lie-in, until Steven was calling me from his moby stood in the garden, answered the door looking like the bride of Frankenstein, he was chuntering about M&S shorts for the REM concert, what the fuck?
Did some tutting and got rid of him pronto, Ruth had txt to see if i was having BBQ? she must have read the blog as i don't remember mentioning it, luckily it had already started wanging it down before i got to Tescos for supplies.....so saved myself a small fortune by NOT buying BBQ food.

Home and unpacked had a quick bath, just before party revellers arrived, Ruth, Mark, Rach, Dean, Megan, followed by Spuggy brandishing 2 bottles of vino, Hayley and MJW (Katy and Grant were ten pin bowling, okay!! whatever floats your boat, oh and Beth and Tina were working).
Oh we had a good day, played 5 games of DVD trivial pursuits, listened to cd's and waded our way through 54 hotdogs, 6 bags of assorted tortillas/crisps/snacks, 3 tubs of dip and 10 cream cakes..........oh and more beer and wine than you can poke a stick at.

Highlights of the day, Luther trying on several occasions to climb in Megans pram, MJ announcing that he'd pulled in Blackpool on Friday night and the man in question was actually "HIS CUP OF TEA".
Dean casually setting the DVD player up and asking who babes in pornland belonged to? be fucked if i know? Rach discovering Tzatziki for the 1st time, Hayley farting (she'll never pull in Matt's eyes) and giving Rachel parental advice, Spug getting regular updates on club gossip via txt. Joff's new love interest being a married woman, Rachel and Hemmy having a massive ding dong after we'd left last night, oh yeah i can't believe that Spug told Hemmy that Cloughy thought he was shagging his wife!!!
Hemmy phoned him up and had it out with him..........cripes!!
Note to self, tell Spug all my inner most secrets and trust her unconditionally not to blab them all around the sportsclub!! NOT!

That's about it, everyone left at 10.20pm as it's a school night, i tidied up,washed up and put wet washing on airer, then stayed up watching BB until 1am.
Having a lazy day today as boss is in Italy on his Harley Davidson, so other than make 2 slices of toast and 3 coffees haven't done any work yet.

How rude

Matt has given me tips of finding a boyfriend down Batley tomorrow night.........

Get this:

Tips for getting a bloke
Wear nice clothes - not too slutty?????????, not too much fake tan on your hands
Get drunk but don't act drunkenly
Not too noisy
Be chatty and friendly to everyone
NO BURPING, FARTING????????, OR WEEING IN A BIN.

I have purposely questioned the words that can not possibly relate to me, even though there are only 2 of them.

I want to cry.

Pah what does he know!

So anyway we're going down Bradford Road tomorrow night with Tina Arena and her workmates, bang goes my relaxing weekend to myself!
Then Steven has invited me to lunch on Saturday as it's his birthday, can't really say no!
Although i could think of better places to go than Starbucks for coffee and a toastie.

Hopefully we'll be back in time to watch AP play cricket.

Can't belive it's weekend tomorrow, this week has flown.

It was funny yesterday after i'd blogged, i offered to deliver some stock to the other side of Leeds, i was driving the Luton van like a proper "trucker".
Van driver still off today so i've been and delivered 100 reems of Xerox paper this morning, i quite like it.....trucking, although i don't think prospective boyfriends would be too keen. Done a fair bit of work today, as in proper work, being a buyer.......strange!!
Have also been to fetch lunches, get David's trousers shortened at the tailors, been to bank and have shipped a palette of personal effects over to Toronto where David's son is living for a year.
Never a dull day here........this job gives a whole new meaning to" i just work in an office".

Was a busy bee last night, called at Marlos to pick up my tint from Steven and had a quick natter, got home, did hair then ironed while that was taking, didn't get my tea until 9pm, after i'd watered all the garden plants.....no rest for the wicked eh?

Changing the subject.....

That Lesley needs evicting on Friday from the big brother house, she's giving West Yorkshire a bad name, the silly mare!
Also watched new series of Nip-Tuck, that's a good show.

Not as good as going to the pub, don't be stupid!

Midweek waffle

Don’t you feel so much better when the sun is shining?

Just been into Leeds city centre to Prêt a mange, all the suits are wandering the streets in shirt sleeves and shades, well apart from Craig Blackburn, who was shuffling along in his jacket and tie, I ignored him, he was once cheeky to me and I bare a grudge forever!
Having an ACE week so far, although I do admit to feeling like my number was up on Monday morning, after our weekend bender! Fuck I was ill………we didn’t really drink that much on Sunday, we’d just topped up from the wedding, thank god I have a weeks reprieve before the next Matrimonial service!

Oh hummer!

Am so looking forward to having a weekend just for me, this one coming up, sick of racing round, up and down motorways, might even have a BBQ on Sunday it’s going to be a scorcher……

So done nowt to write home about this week, went to bed at 8.30pm on Monday.

Last night intended to do my roots, but I’d run out of tint, so watered the plants and stuff in the garden and chatted to bugsy Bev’s 4yr old son over the fence, he’s a bit cute.
Made tea, watched TV and went to bed to read and watch Big Brother (at the same time), at 10pm, feel on top form this morning.

Little Aaron called me over the fence to ask me where I was going, I said work! He then asked if my cats could play out with him, bless, told him they would at t.time.

Works good, boss brought me 200 fags from Prague. for free! Hoorah!
Wrote to Helen this morning as I said I’d go and stay when I had my week off but never got there. She’ll have forgotten, she’s such a wally.

Have been eating really healthily this week (fruit and veggies), to banish nasty toxins from oneself before Friday when I will need to go to the pub again.

Unlike my boss who’s eaten 1 cheese and onion toastie, I tuna niscoise wrap, I chicken caeser salad sandwich, 1 turkey baguette , 2 bags of crisps and a lemon bun.

He has just taken his jeans off and is in the car park sunbathing in his boxer shorts and t-shirt, what the fuck!!!!!!!

Matt has just emailed me to say Ron from Harry Potter has a really big knob, another person busy at their workplace then? Oh, now he’s got the hump because I told him to shut up! Whoops!!!!!

Going to do some work now as not stuck a bat so far, other than errands and the like, not real work, need to get my business card out of a morning, read it, recite it and remind myself what I am supposed to do for a living.

Slap my wrist

Yes, I know I haven't blogged for ages, Karen slapped my already limp wrist yesterday so here I am.

Where do I start. Still with James, things going well.

Was my 21st Birthday on the 20th May and as a treat I took James to see one of his Faves, Neil Diamond at the MEN Arena, was a great show, ok, for me it wasn't exactly the dizzy heights of Kylie but my old man seemed to enjoy him. I have to admit he was good, and sounded just like his records, looks very old though, and the rhinestone silk short merely added to the high camp of it all. Good crowd too, but clearly of the older elk - applause at the right time, old ladies waving knickers around and the like.

Anyway, my own birthday treat finally came the day after when we went to the Lakes for the weekend, had a great time, lovely weather, lot's of pics of sheep and mountains with my new digicam, as bought for me by James. Stayed in a little, and I mean little village called Askham, no idea where it was but we found it and it was lovely - not far from Ullswater - if your into scenery Ullswater is beautiful, we hired a boat on it - the usual sort where they charge by the hour but forget to tell you that the boats are so slow that you need an hour just to get out of the dock.

Anyway, since then just done the usual, drink, sleep, sex and food - oddly enough in that very order? Had a coupld of Thai nights out at the Chaophraya restaraunt in Leeds, opposit the new Bibis. Would recommend to anyone, expect to pay £60 for two of you, well worth it.

Anyway, the other week I had a call from James whilst I was at work asking if i'd heard the news, those sorts of calls usually mean I have missed some catastrophic world event, and sure enough, it was the "Kylie in Bossom Cancer Shock!" story, which if your Gay, may as well be a global catastrophy. James is quite proud of the fact that he said when we went to see her in concert that he thought she looked "tired" - clearly Mystic Meg James has a gift - knob!

Last night went in Spoons and bumped into Karen - a la wristslapper - and Matt - another Neil Diamond fan. Was supposed to be having a few drinks but ended up in Northgate and absolutely out of my tree on Vodka.

Happy days.

In loving memory of Auntie Margaret

Friday was the same old.
People present.
Matt, Beth, Jo, Spug, Tina, Hayley and moi.
Ruth and Mark were also in spoons but with Marks family and friends, Deano, Bev and Jporrait were at the bar, Andy was at home as he was working Sat. morning poor boy.
Nowt really happened out of the ordinary, we went to the Turnstiles and sat down, it was dead in there so we moved quickly up to the Station, bumping into Deano and JP who's left coz it was full of chavs, Matt bribed them to come back in with us and he'd buy them beer. It worked.

I then made a buffoon of myself by chatting to Deano about his dog Bert (who incidentally was dead and i didn't know).
Then to change the subject started telling John how much i loved his brother, he was just staring at me like i was from out of space.
Matt and i sang Elton Johns "your song", Tina and i sang "first cut is the deepest" and Matt sang the wonder of you on his tod.

Regal was messy, Spug got a round of drinks then there was lots of jigging about, sweating and the like, there was a man with an arrow down his pants who was as camp as Christmas, so i just presumed he'd want to get off with Matt.
I chatted to Craig Aspinall, who has 8 cats but i didn't snog him.
Rasta d.j put a dayglo band round my neck, you know the ones that were worn at acid parties in the 80's.......i looked really special.
Matt, me and Spug went for curry, Craig and big nosed Richard were in there. So was Cloughy from the club, i went to chat to him then food arrived and i asked javved for popodoms really cheekily even though they were on the table.
We went to sit with Cloughy after we'd eaten, he's adamant that Hemmy has been shagging his wife when he was working away, i wouldn't put it past him.

He shared our taxi as he lived up Hightown road, so Matt dropped him off after Spug and i got out by the library, poor Cloughy.......

Saturday.. what do you get when you get 4 thirsty mentalists and a free bar?............read on.
Change of plan, MJ's wife Kirsty was not available so Elsworth stepped it...hoorah!!
We arrived at Alder house hotel at 2.45ish, oh it was such a good day. We hadn't planned it but the 4 of us were wearing different shades of pink, like the munch bunch.
It was a civil ceremony and all over in double quick time, so by 3.15pm we were sipping champagne in the garden area, we were called for a photo, the photographer said ladies in the middle, then told the Matt's to stand with their own women........ha ha little did he know that they're both benders and Sarah and i were the hired help.
I was starting to feel a bit light headed drinking on an empty stomach, so we had a bag of crisps to keep us going, we were called into the banqueting suite and looked at the table plan, table 5 we were sat with a couple from Halifax, Iain and Alex (poor Iain and Alex), the meal was nice, melon and pineapple, tomato and basil soup and a roll, then Turkey main course followed by either sticky toffee pudding or black forest pavlova (or both if your name's Matt), the the speech's what a fucking disaster, Lee said a few words, followed by the worst best man's speech in history, then the brides mother wanted to say a few words, this frail old lady aged 104 stood up and said it's been a lovely day, spoiled by the fact that they were missing one special person, her sister Margaret who'd passed away last November.........WHAT THE FUCK!!
There was a tumble weed moment, the whole of Jane's family were in tears, including bridesmaids, grown men and the bride. The 4 tables at the back, 3 were seating all Lee and Janes friends from Saudi Arabia and us, obviously didn't know who the fuck Auntie Margaret was were kind of chinking glasses, muttering here's to Auntie Margaret, then i said to Matt "oh brilliant ,that did it, well done, every fucker's blubbing, top that if you can" Matt starting laughing, then i did and it all went tits up as we were crying with laughter until our ribs were aching...oh heck!
Moving on............
There were only 40 or so guests invited to the whole affair so no expense spared, £20 cigars were passed round, MJ had 2, coz they were free. I took one home as i didn't want to miss out, meanwhile the wine was flowing and flowing, Matt said he was going back onto lager as he's end up in a right state..........oh i wish i'd listened.
Before we knew it,it was 8pm and Simon P.A was setting up, Bride and groom got up for the 1st dame, Showwaddy waddy's "under the moon of love", the next 5 hours were a blurry mess of running just as fast as we can, Matt's monkey dance, the slapper in the leopard skin dress trying to pull every man in sight, me thinking it's about time i had a bit of black, the evening buffet hardly touched the sides and didn't really help to soak up the amount of alcohol we were consuming.
Sarah thought we'd had enough, white wine, red wine, lager and vodka, so staggered back from the bar with 2 pints of diesel i was so dismayed i managed to drink mine and hers then MJ's pint as they'd all gone onto double Baileys........Poor Iain and Alex, they chosen to sit with us all evening and even took my email address, yeah like we'll really hear from them again.
I lost the ability to speak at some point then came round a bit to have a dance with the best man, oh we were messy...especially me, Lee and Jane went to bed and us 4 clambered into a taxi with no suspension, that MJ suspected might be a death trap.
I slept all the way back and only awoke to give MJ £2 towards the fare as we arrived home at 1.15am, 10 hours drinking! cost? £5, plus £20 M&S vouchers each, bargain.

Was fine yesterday and was up and about early, called at Marlene's, middle brother was there, i didn't stay long as his voice grates on me, Ruth and i went to tescos and purchased a trolley full of random buys, BBQ, Stella, ham, mango, pineapple, grapes, melon, kettle chips....truth be told, loads of stuff you couldn't possibly make a meal with, oh well.
Bumped into Carl Mason, who plays rugby at the club and is mates with Aporrait, he's always nice to me, bless!
Got home and Mark, Ruth and i had lunch in the garden, Mark then put together my outdoor storage box, Ruth fixed my freeview box and i filled up the bird feeders and watered the plants, had a couple of beers then we mosied on down to spoons to meet the clan at 8pm.
Matt, Rach and Dean were already there, MJ turned up at 8.30pm, then Spug at 9ish then Warren and Caroline at 9.30ish. James and James were at the bar, had a quick chat and told him off for not blogging! and he's loads of news as well. So the 10 of us sat and drank and drank till throwing out time, we were loud and annoying, Matt came back from the bar with 9 shots of peach schnapps, the nutter! the bar staff had to throw us out bodily at 11pm. MJ and Mark walked, Me, Ruth and Matt shared a cab and left Spug, Dean and Rach waiting for another.

So there we have it, another weekend bites the dust. I'm alive to tell the tale.........just.

Tired

Drinking heavily for three days in a row is not a good idea if you have to be up at 06.00 on the fourth day.

Woe is me

Every fucker has stopped blogging

I'm getting sick of the sound of my own voice.
Plus i don't really have any news..........

Steven came for tea on Tuesday, we ate like kings in the garden..we had Doritos, houmous, onion and garlic dip, chilli and fiorelli pasta with garlic bread followed by chocolate trifle.
Matt phoned to say he was in Churchills (pre the robbery) Steven answered the call and told him i was gardening without a bra, indeed i was laying my 3rd bag of bark in my pyjamas.
Then Marlene called to say, she'd got me some shrubs and bedding plants ( this was after she'd told me i didn't deserve a nice garden, as i only weed it once a year), so now she's helped me out, i have to keep up to it..........otherwise i'll be disinherited!!!!!!

She's a crafty one, that Marlene.

Steven left at 8pm as he was full and needed to go lie down, what a schmuk!
I ironed and watched Big brother.

Wednesday, felt like shit, woke up with cold........had to go to work as i'd only worked one day in the last 11.
Did some light chores, went to Barnsley to drop some samples off.........got some salad and fruit.........then Leigh treat me to a cream bun to make me better.
David was acting the silly beggar, as they've gone to Prague this morning on Paul's stag do. He picked up my bun and shoved it in Bradley's face, he had fresh cream all over his glasses and up his nose.
What a waste.......??!!.
I mean it's funny when i do it to Hemmy.

But not in the work place, i work with a bunch of baboons........
I was due on, full of cold and tired and achey from pigging gardening, so took my self off home at 2.30pm for a snooze.
Woke up at 6.30pm last night, feeling much better..........felt a bit bad when i realised Marlene had been round while i was at kip, putting plants in the garden.

Oh well!
After tea i got a 2nd wind and started cleaning like a loon, because it's perfectly normal to be shampooing carpets, mopping floors, vaccing, washing rugs/towels at 11pm..........missing most of the double bill of Desperate houswives, but what's more important?

Feel tired and sniffley today, but boss in Prague with the other lads, so i am holding the fort......hahahaaaaa!

I've just been to the whiterose to buy a handbag for Lees wedding on Saturday, where i am to be Matts wife.
Warren did say there was to be no shananigans with Ap behind his brothers back!!!??!

So that's it, it's weekend eve.........Friday tomorrow, haven't been to the regal for 2 weeks..golly!

Anyhow best go get some work done, i mean ..........look for good samples to take home, got my eye on a weather resistant storage box for the garden, as my shed is already full of shite i have got from work that i don't need!!!!! oh yeah and Lenny asked me to get a box of loot for Zak as well for when he moves out, so i better sort that out.

Oh another thing, i told my Boss and Mark yesterday about Cloughy's wife slagging them both off down aat the Sportsclub on Saturday night, Mark actually remembered who she was, his words "she was a right rough cow, that looked like she's been round the block a few times, yeah i sacked her she was wa na mi arse, she couldn't even fetch a sandwich properly, give her a crack from me".........
Don't think i'll bother!!