Meet the fockers...

Not written all week because I have been too preoccupied with shitting myself at the prospect of Matt meeting my Mum and step dad (lurch). I have tried to be as normal as possible up until this point. Yes that’s right, we had been summoned for Sunday lunch at my Mums house and she was cooking. She is the worst cook in the world, some examples of her culinary offerings are Spag bol without the spaghetti (me and your Dad don’t like spaghetti) pancakes with ox tail soup (just for fun) fried eggs with chips but the fried eggs are cooked also in the deep fryer, so when you crack them in they cook on the way down leaving a scary looking spiky egg. She hasn’t a clue what food goes with what. Like pasta and gravy.

Anyway, I’ll start with Friday night.
Bit of a works do in town. Speed necked around ten vodka’s in a couple of hours, my friend Lynsey from work offered me a lift home, but cos I was a bit pissed I got us very lost and ended up in Hunslet! I literally live 10 minutes from town. Ooops. She won’t ask again. Finally found my house, she knew where it was from work, so we had to go via work. I was so embarrassed! Got in, Matt sat on the sofa surrounded by empty cans shit faced. We lumped on and drank until we went blind.

Saturday, went to Primark in Wakefield where I bought knickers, bedding, tea towels, bath mat, couple of tops, a million black socks, all for £38!
I went into Leeds to change a top at Zara, bought some Dunlop green flash at a bargain price of £20. Bought Matt a wind breaker jacket from size which he looks very fit in.
Matt treated me to a nice lunch at Harvey Nics then we went to meet friends Greg, Jane, Hag, Sarah, Iffy and Baldy in the Oak. Sat outside in the beer garden and got pissed. All of us then decided to buy some coke and go back to Sarah’s loft for more drinking and dancing while her boyfriend was on the decks.
Was a funny night, we all talked shite and had dance off’s till the early hours. Matt and I stumbled the small journey home back to mine. I think it took 30 minutes on what should have been a 10 minute walk!

Sunday – Judgement day…
Oh my god, woke feeling very precious indeed. Had approx 3 hours kip. I knew I had to be at my mums for 12 and we couldn’t find the car and we had an hour’s journey ahead of us!
Found the car in Headingley, set off for North Nottinghamshire.
We arrived at my Mums. It was all very weird. Poor Matt had to be subjected to my Mum showing him round the garden and showing off the curtains she had made for the camper van. Sat down to lunch. It wasn’t too bad; my step dad had cooked instead, so it wasn’t too scary. Matt was very nervous bless him and conversation was a little stilted around the table to say the least.
Then Mum starts telling us a story of a recent experience of hers…
She went to Clumber Park in the camper van (yeah like that’s normal, it’s only down the road!) on her own to read a book. As she wanted to avoid paying, she found a secluded spot where she wouldn’t be disturbed. After half an hour or so, I guy in a Merc pulled up right in front of my mums van and got out. He was suited and booted and talking on his phone. Another car then pulled up behind my Mums van completely blocking her in. Again, with another guy driving. My Mum was panicking at this point as it was all very strange and she was in the middle of nowhere. So, rather than ask them to move as she was shitting it, she rang her mate Mike the copper. He advised her to lock her doors and sit tight and he would come and get her.
At this point, we are all waiting with baited breath, she said Mike arrived and had a quiet word with the men and they moved on.
Me: ‘What was going on then Mum’
Mum: ‘Well, I don’t know quite what Mike meant, but he told me to ask your Dad’
Me: ‘Ask Dad what’.
Mum: ‘He said they were DOGGING!’
With this, Matt chokes on his wine and my step dad is shaking his head.
Mum: ‘What’s it mean then Em, I don’t even have a bloody dog.’
Me: ‘Why doesn’t Matt explain?’
We filled her in anyway, and told her she would have looked like a professional dogger cos she had a big van!
It was a definite ice breaker anyway.
Went outside to look at the fish pond then left back to sunny Leeds at around 5.
Luckily, Matt liked my family, said my Mum is well on another planet, but it all went well. Even though she is a dogger.

Went to the chippy for chips and curry sauce, got home, read my book in bed, had sex, read again, fell asleep around 11.