The last 2 weeks

Friday 11th

After a long day at the office (cough splutter) and to reward myself for losing a lb at fat club last night, thought i'd have a few sneaky G&T's while watching an old episode of the Street we'd sky plussed.......oh my god, it was the saddest thing i've ever seen, ended up blubbing like a baby. Good job Andy was in bed.......he'd gone to watch the darts at 8.30pm and promptly fallen asleep..........Jeez, i know you work hard, but it's Friday night!!!!

Saturday 12th

Thomas went to sleep at Gill and Dave's for the evening, so we could go out on the lash, picked Katy up in a taxi, then joined Caroline, Claire, Spug and Nicola......where we had a few sociable pots before getting a mini bus into town, dropping a pissed Andy and his kit bag at home.......struth!!!
Had an ace night, making the most of my twice monthly night out, by smoking 2 fags and guzzling magners (all thoughts of fat fighters had escaped me as i generously get the round of crisps in for moi, Caz, John, Claire and Waitey). Swapped diet tips with Mark...random!! Left the commy, Caroline dragged me up to the Station, we'd had far too much to drink already.....not to worry...Sis, Rach, Dean, Tina and the Vikes were in there, Ruth and Tina sang my name full blast to the tune of "go west" which doesn't fucking annoy me at all........much! all v.hazy, Caroline was telling me which naughty spoken for blokey had been coming on to her!!! tut tut!
Bed for 12.45am.


Sunday 13th

Hangover didn't kick in till 2pm, felt fab all morning, up with Tom Tom at 7am no problem!!
So was making the Sunday roast on go slow, roping Andy in to do pigs in blankets and Thomas to peel some spuds.
Note to self, when you've invited people to Sunday lunch do NOT go and get slaughtered the night before!!!

Lovely day, Clair and Steven arrived at 5pm, we all filled our boots, me and younger sibling firing claret down like it was Christmas, to gasps and mucho astonishment from the Evian drinkers, we booked Center Parcs for the end of June........Whoohoo! Clair took the mouse off me, as our budget holiday turned into a mini luxury spa with hydro baths a maid service and breakfast passes.......ah fuck it it's only money! no seriously the tell tale signed of me being squiffy, was when i entered the cars reg's and stated that both parties drove Escorts and we all lived at the same abode!
Time for bed Josephine!!

Monday 14th

Highlights of the day.
Our recycling bins were emptied and i died my roots.

Tuesday 15th

Made amends with Marlo after her cutting remarks and calls to Jeremy Kyle about me being an unfit Mother, well truth was Jimbo called me behind her back while she was at Batley Tescos, saying he'd have Tom for me if i wanted a swim....god bless my Father!
It was raining cats and dogs, was going to have a pyjama day but fook it, quick shop........had a couple of hours chatting with the old folk........they'd bought Thomas a chavtastic tracksuit on one of their many jaunts, utilising their free bus passes! tee hee!

Swam (can't manage a mile in the designated hour and was slightly peeved as i have a bit of OCD about doing exactly 48 lengths when i venture to Spen baths). Obsessive freak!! collected Son, nice afternoon pottering!

Wednesday 16th

Joined the baby club cousins for lunch, mayhem ensues when the Healey's get together, Thomas and i lead quite a serene life compared, anyhew it's nice to have company, other Mums in the same boat and all that, they are also doing the Slimming world diet so we had lots to talk about, Got there at 11.30am after making the next 2 days meals and pack ups.
It was green day (all carbs) for dinner, i have never seen as many jacket spuds, rice and pasta dishes on one table. Ate till i thought i would burst, no sooner had we finished, when Auntie Edith phoned to say Peter had kicked off as the kitchen was a mess....holy moly, what some people have to put up with (and i moan about Andy).
Ran Adele to Wakefield, bobbed my head round Grandmas bedroom door, she looked aged.....could have cried, there she was in her nightgown in the middle of the day asleep with some mutt on the bed.
I know she can't look after herself anymore, but is this till the end of her days? felt very ashamed i don't visit her more often.
Thomas slept all the way there and back, got back to Sarah's thinking at least they'd be an extra seat, oh no, Helen, her 2 boys and Uncle Dennis had shown up, it was like a fooking madhouse!!! I'm so not used to noise, fed Tom, left at 2.30ish and Morrisons on the way home.

Thurs 17th

Tom to Gill's, work and respite for me, a whole day...that's 8 1/2hrs mental space...heaven.
Off to fat club at 6pm, only lost 1/2lb, booze and buns to blame, vowed to have 100% next week.
Home after collecting Son from Grandparents at 7, stew, baths, bottles, madness....always sleep really well these days, i wonder why!!??!

Fri 18th

Nothing to report, work was the same old, bit of sourcing, few errands, lunch at the crown point retail park, buying shit in TKMaxx..Andy thought going back to work would curb my spending...mwahhhh!
Pleasant evening, washing, the box, Son to bed early, always worn after after being played with solidly for 2 days AP, got a chinky, i'm too fat for takeaways, resisted a sneaky Gin and the ones that follow.100% week you see!!! took myself off to Mothers to drop Steven and Clair some freebie works towels off and Vikes a Tykes a shirts, the Triv was out and Xmas atmos once again, knew i would be mighty peeved if Andy was at his folks playing board games with his family on a Friday night, while i was home alone babysitting the boy, so left early and in bed for 10pm, after folding 2 wash loads.

Saturday 19th

All started out well, i swim after rising at silly o'clock with the boy, bathing feeding and dressing him, enabling me to have 1 1/2hrs me time. Met Clair at the pool at 9am, had a merry old time laughing at club foot (a woman who swam with 1 foot in the air) and the woman and her 2 kids getting bollocked by the life guard for larking about........it's a serious exercise class, you silly mare!! bathed, changed, breakfasts, fed Tom, then went shopping just for something to do, got cot/bed sheets, Pyrex, deodorants, teatowels, Thomas more jeans and other drek we didn't need.
Called at Mums and fed Thomas, then home early evening, awaiting Potrats return to put him his pizza in after his usual Saturday "3 pints". Waited and waited and waited, Ruth txt at 9pm saying they were all at the club...cheers!!!. Turned off the oven, and being pre-menstrual, took a rather wobbly look at my life, felt a wee bit downtrodden as he was at the club having rugga bugga banter and pints of lager, i was in pj's, son in bed, can't have a ciggie, choccie or a bevvie. Took myself off to bed and fooking STEWED!!!
By the time he arrived home at 11pm, unable to stand, he got it both barrels right between the eyes and not a wet garment from the clothes airer in the spare room in sight!!!


Sunday 20th

All thoughts of his 60hr working weeks, the fact he gives me all his wages, never asks for anything, and is as faithful as a puppy......went out the window, couldn't prevent the steam from billowing out of my earholes, he made an appearance 3 hrs after we'd got up, couldn't trust myself to speak to him, was on Ruth's doorstep at 11am, (even though we'd stormed out, i managed to pack Tom's lunch and pasta in sauce and a nice muiller light for me). Stayed till 1pm, nipped to Boots, walked out of Toysrus as it was too busy, how Auntie Gill works there is any ones guess, then called and gave him his tea at Marlo's, Grandma was there wearing some drag pan stick and looking 20 years younger with her teeth in.

Home for 4pm, Andy had tidied up, washed up, fed cats, collected his kit from the club and managed to work the washer, he'd even called and bought me flowers from Tesco's.
Oh no that's right.......i've actually walked into the wrong house.

He'd actually not moved a muscle all day,ligged on the sofa, watching snooker, scratching his nads, THE THE THE ..........well, being a lady i won't repeat the words expelled from my mouth at 1o decibels.
Tears, more screaming, threats.........ooh it wasn't pretty.
Had a nice bath, talked calmly........explained in a child like manner, that it wasn't that he'd gone for beers, it was that he treat me like his mother, by not thinking he had to let me know. He took it all on the chin, said all the right things until i'd served up his Sunday dinner.

Punished him by making him watch Shirley Valentine, he guffawed all the way through, seeing uncanny resemblances between himself and the Husband Joe...(yes that's the whole point of you watching it). Still mad when we went to bed, but not as mad.........bloody men!

Monday 21st

Lovely, raining heavily so stayed indoors for the duration, just baking, playing with Thomas, few light chores...afternoon nap on the sofa, had to wake Tom at 4pm or he wouldn't have slept tonight the lazy little urchin.
So that's the lot, busy week ahead.
More swimming, lunching with the Healey's, shopping, need to pay Andy's stamp, fat club, but no work this week as we're off to Edinburgh.....yippee! Robert Burns birthday memoriam.
Can't wait, 2 nights in a 4 star hotel all paid for by the boyfriend i moan about so much, Mother having Thomas, Steven said Trisha and the camera crew were round yesterday getting her side of the story about me leaving Thomas so much. Grrrr! it's not healthy to have a clingy baby.
I'm a wonderful Mother, with a well rounded, well behaved, impecably turned out angel of a son!

Stick that in the end of your JPS and smoke it!

Happy new year

It's been a while mon ami's.

I'm going to have to edit the last few weeks, ideally i'd highlight the last 10 months, but that'd be a mental blog and a half.

So Christmas and the lead up to it:

Thursday 13th
Our works Xmas do, very funny indeed.

Pre-meal, we had a private booth booked in the Leeds city centre Karaoke bar, only Johnny and i could hold a note, but a good time was had by all and the vino was flowing.
I stuck to cider as i've learnt from heaving in the taxi a few weeks earlier (the last time i barfed was Nov 25th 2005) that i can not drink copious amounts of wine like the good old days.

The meal was appalling, rushed, conveyor belt, mass produced food at £45 a head, David was mullered, asleep at the table, Huggy got thrown out for making lewd comments at the waitress........usual debacle!

I left at 11.30pm, had a few drags of Leigh's fag, £20 cab ride home, in bed for Midnight, no hangover the next day for work, i'm so mature.

Sunday 16th.

The exchanging of Xmas gifts at Sugden towers. Andy, I and the boy, set off early doors and had a picnic over the tops in our car, only to eat a 3 course meal less than an hour after our lunch (well we didn't know we'd be eating at 1pm).
Thirza and Olivia, wouldn't leave Thomas alone, wanting him on their knee, carrying him around like a little rag doll.
Chris cooked something in a Guinness sauce, which was erm different. Lovely day, lots of expensive claret...i had a warm rosey glow as Andy drove home, feeling all Christmassy.

Don't remember what the hell happened the next 5 days.


Saturday 22nd

Helen, Jo (new bird) came visiting from Southampton, before Hells jets off to Brisban for 12 months to further her Doctors career, she bought me champers and flowers (honestly Helen i know it's the 1st time you've seen Thomas, but i gave birth 9 months ago).

Left Marlo and Jim babysitting (although my Mother does not approve of me going out, going to work, going to the toilet........anything that involves me leaving my baby's side).
Had to be home for 11pm, as the oldies like to be in bed early, it was Warrens birthday.....so a mixed bunch of people attending spooners, told all the girls i'd meet them in the Station, never got there as by the time we got to move it was into a taxi and home, Matt hinted to Andy that i should be allowed to stay out, Andy took it as he didn't pull his weight, cursing and muttering ensued, home both in a sulk.
Vowing not to go out together again if we had a curfew, as last orders now being 1am, means we are leaving for home before the night gets going.

Sunday 23th

Matthew, Warren and Caroline came round in the afternoon, i was in bed trying to sleep off my hangover (i can't booze anymore.........rubbish), Caroline bought him a fur lined denim jacket and Matthew purchased him books (what else...tee hee).
Woz had a cider and we all trooped into the nursery to wake Tom, his eyes were like ping pong balls at all the strangers in his bedroom.
Had our Christmas dinner at Mum and Dads on this Sunday, as we were all busy on the real day with in-laws.
Jim did us proud, full mashings, lots of scram (Clair changed into her jimmy bottoms she'd eaten so much......i like that girl!), festive cheer, party games..........very enjoyable indeed, won lots of random prizes, i didn't win the Vikings old fleece, which Marlo had dug out of a bin..she's losing it.

Monday 24th

Xmas eve......whoppee!
My favorite day of the whole holidays.
A few last bits of domesticity a.m. (queueing for Metcalfs stand pies being the most important job) Andy worked till 11am, washed and changed fed Thomas then we all trotted for a family treat at Harry Ramsdens in Guisley, Mmmmm....Thomas was v.cute, eating big chunks of Haddock in his high chair banging his keys loudly and making the chinky couple next to us move to another table.
Lovely evening, put bows on all gifts, sorted into piles and loaded the car. Thomas in bed early, watched Pirates of the Carribean, had 2 glasses of wine and munched our way through lots of festive nuts and choccies, making the most of my fortnight off fat club!!

Tuesday 25th

Xmas day, race against the clock, up, coffees, Thomas bathed, fed, dressed, present opening....all to the Benny Hill theme tune.......made it to the Grove Church Christmas day service for bang on 10am.
Sat with Mum, Steven, Clair and her family...Mother took my Son from me as he was far better off sat with her.
Present opening at my mothers..........v. difficult getting 5 siblings and partners all there at the same time, David turned up without Donna, saying she was still drying her hair and she was walking.
Anyhew, lots of lovely gifts, p.j's, smellies, cash....blah blah!
Thomas was the luckiest boy in the universe and recieved tons of toys, teddies, clothes, books, learning aids, Converse all stars from LA.........you name it, he's got it.
Flew to Gill's with car bulging, to more piles of gifts......Claire and John really spoilt thier nephew, ridiculous amounts of presents, had champagne and sushi, then Claire and John announced thier engagement (wonder what the champers was for, thought Gill had gone a bit ab fab)......DAW!!!
Had a few more glasses of wine, chilled throughout the day...lovely, had Christmas dinner with Gill, Dave, Moi, Andy, Thomas, Auntie Ange, Uncle Mick, Kevin and Grandad.
Home for 6.30pm, was in the bath when Ruth and the Vikes turned up, followed by Mother and Father, Steven and Claire......what a flop, could hardly move for gifts..........tired, bloated, Ruth had to prepare the evening buffet as i was 1/2 cut, Steven fell asleep, watched re-runs of Morcombe and wise, eyes half closed, everyone too full to get drunk.
Masses of tidying up, Thomas in bed for 8pm, (3/4 hr late..tut tut).
Saw guests out of the door into the cold christmas air ..the Christmas star shining brightly overhead...........told you i was pissed!
Bed couldn't come soon enough!

Wednesday 26th

Boxing day

Andy went to the rugby, i went to the sales while Dad watched Thomas, home, fed my boy, washed changed and to the club in the afternoon, which was crammed to the rafters as always, rugga buggars, wags, bairns and taggers on.
Gill and Dave took over the care of their Grandson while i had my 3 diet cokes. Off to Auntie Anges for the afternoon at 3pm, nice buffet, tried not to eat too much as we were going to Ruth's for tea.
Arrived at Sisters 6ish, played games, had more buffet and felt like Dawn French in the episode where she had lunch at every call and was forcing sprouts.......OH you know the one!
Nice time, Andy had been on the bevvy so i was chauffuer.......left for home at bedtime, some young scally had shown us thier festive cheer by smashing our wing mirror off the car.........thank you very much, Andy and Thomas to thier respective beds........vino for me (honestly i think i was mullered through the whole 2 weeks of not dieting!

Thurs 27th
Sales

Friday 28th
Sales, left Tom with G&D while i fetched a new wing mirror, some young Asian boy fitted it, 40 squid..all in!

Dave's (Father in law) birthday, had all the outlaws round for tea including Grandad. Moi, Gill and Claire were on the wine, played triv (John's team won), ate buffet, played with Thomas, they left after the 10...all loveliness and family orintated, masses of tidying up again though, wouldn't mind if lazy arse helped out...........grr!


Saturday 29th
Moi, Andy, Deano, Janine, Sarah (you know her, she thinks a drum kit is a suitable Christmas gift for a 9 month old child), Katy Farter, Spuggly and co, went to the club and into town at night, bumped into Rach, Dean, Ruth and Mark in the Commercial, had lots to drink, 2 fags....tut tut......had a mad evening, just like my pre-parenting years, really let my hair down and was seen doing some special dance moves to impress the barman Spud? in the Station, i however was not as drunk as Katy who had had a fall out with Janine and was calling her a scruffy bitch and she would never speak to her again or summert.
Tee hee! I Think me and Hellsworth shared a taxi, so much for Sarah (i'm coming out for a couple as i'm driving back to GBY Sunday and don't want to be hungover).

Monday 31st

New years eve.
20 or so of our friends, mainly club folk, were holidaying in log cabins in the Lakes not too far from Morcambe, decided to have the day with them, set off early doors, parked up at the side of the Eric Morcambe statue, getting buggy out of car, unbuckled Thomas, then slammed my car door to let the geezer parked next to us out, then realised oh my fucking god, Thomas was locked in the car with the keys on his knee, burst into tears and promptly phoned the fire brigade, who arrived at the same time as Woz, Caroline, John, Claire, Katie, Chris, Claire T and Craig........i'm bleating "don't tell them what i've done". Andy looked at me with mock horror, as if he could avoid it! what a calamity......what a mare, firecrew smashed window as Thomas was now wriggling out of his seat and screaming, they taped the window up and off they popped, leaving me a jibbering wreck.
Had a KFC and fed the poor child, then went back to the chalets for the afternoon, Andy had a few beers, i drove home...unsettled moods, was v.jealous of all the 22 party revellers we'd just left to enjoy new years all together, but glad we had Thomas..home for 7pm, Thomas to bed, chinese and an Eastern spice on the menu, few buckets of cheap plonk.....fooking Jim phoned at midnight, in the middle of all the blasted fire works, cats scurrying around like frightened rabbits and Thomas screaming at the top of his lungs!

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR!

Tuesday 1st

Thomas started with a mini man cold.......went to jct 27 for Tyxylix and bought him a new cot and a car seat from mamas and papas while i was there.

Thursday 3rd
Blobbed work, took Thomas to see district nurse with his now barking cough and runny nose (he's fine), left him at Gill's while i went to cooper bridge spares for a back window and met some dodgy geezer who fitted it for a score in the carpark.

More sales shopping, mine and Tom's wardrobes both now bulging, Andy didn't need owt!

Friday 4th.

Back to work for a rest.

Saturday 5th

Length swimming 9-10.30am, Andy overlooked our son, home, cooked brekkies (back on the diet as getting weighed in 5 days and have been consuming 6000 calories per day for the last fortnight). lovely day, played with Thomas, kept him indoors all day to recover from mini man cold, Ruth and Vikes called round for 1/2hr, Andy home from rugby at 6ish with a red on after his 4 pints, t.v, cocoa and bed.

Sunday 6th

Walked to Mothers with buggy, only to be berated for my parenting skills and generally made to feel rubbish about myself, let Andy go to the boozer with his mates in the afternoon (made the deal that i can go out with the girls while he sits Thomas this weekend), while i finished off the Sunday lunch, nice night...just the 3 of us, well 6 of us including moggies.

Tuesday 8th

Spent all day erecting Thomas's new cot, fitting new bigger boy car seat and schlecking his old stuff to Gills and posting personalised thankyou cards (i have far too much time on my hands).

Wednesday 9th

I spend most Wednesdays, washing and preparing lunches and meals for the rest of the week, as i'm at work, Thurs & Fri.

Thursday 10th

Work (i do like my wacky workplace, it makes me smile), Thomas at Grandmas, fetched him after fat club, (i only lost 1lb......grr, in my defense my work clothes are heavier than casual shite i usually wear).
Andy and i bickering last night, as he hadn't run me a bath, come out to the car and helped me with the shopping, he'd basically been laid on the sofa watching the darts while i raced round like the tazmanian devil.
Made friends before bedtime, have left him his weekend jobs on a post it not stuck to the fridge.

That's it i've caught up........last day at work today, i'm very shattered and have put talc in my hair to absorb the grease as couldn't be bothered to wash it last night............But!! it's the weekend and i'm going out tomorrow night.....yippee!

Other news

Tina passed her driving test last week......congrats Tina arena.
Matt has stopped smoking, drinking and eating.
Some fraudster has copied Jims debit card and been on an £800 spending spree.
Auntie Janet (aka Jan Star) has had her kidney removed to wipe out the possibility of a mass, being cancerous...........(she is on the mend).
Being at work is easier than being at home with a 9 month old bambino.
Andy is buying his Dad's fiesta for us, yippee!
Moi, Steven, Clair, Andy and Thomas are booking to go to Centreparcs for a mini break.
I saw that d.j Martin who used to do the Station, he has put on about 4 stone, was with his bird and baby, but he also looked as camp as Christmas.
Simon Pawson has sent me his facebook profile..........i've had a baby, what the fook is facebook?

More news next week!