Bird in hiking boots? bird in chimney!
So Friday
Awoke at 8.22am to the sound of a large bird flapping about in the chimney breast, thought the problem would go away on it's own, so went to work as normal.
Mundane day, went to Worksop to drop some taps off and had a salad for lunch.
Disco kip over and done with, bird still there, met the Spugather at 8pm (she was brown as a fucking berry, Wales my arse), Spoons, Mr.Porritt was there with Deano, John, Bev, Liam and the other sporty boys.
We sat with Mark, Chris and Ruth and then Matt appeared sporting a lovely pink shirt and his Tiffany cufflinks, we had a few in there, then left to go to the Old house, I sang Karaoke badly and told Graham Jackson the full story about losing my key.
Matt sang well and we all seemed quite tipsy by the time we got to the Station at 11.15pm.........i chatted to James and James in here, everyone was raving about Hayleys eyeshadow, Tina, Beth and Jo were all jigging about they'd been on the wine at home.
We all left in dribs and drabs to the Regal in the sky, had some shandy, Andy was wellied on cider as he had Sat. off work (the 1st since he started in Feb.) he was leaning towards me to kiss me/speak to me, but kept managing to headbutt me.
He then pipes up, we should do more things as a couple, i suggest pictures, he readily agrees, Next Friday it is, anything i chose is fine.
What would he like to do? HILL WALKING!!!!!!!!! (he looks so normal too).
Changed the subject sharpish, get some more beer, do some more dancing,row with mad Lynne,Andy wants me to stay at his, i argue, say his beds too small, he wins.
Saturday 10.15am, awake in Gill and Dave's bed not knowing where the fuck i am, maybe a posh hotel??
Don't really give a fuck as i have a naked 26yr old muscle bound bronzed body at the side of me, went to the bathroom, then hope to high heavens John's not in as I'm walking around with nothing on. Climb back in to bed and did some damn fine lurving, realised Andy (the old romantic) had fallen back asleep, so let myself out and walked up Whitcliffe road cursing all the way at fucking green shoes rubbing me, looking like a 2 bit whore with last nights clothes and make-up on.
Fell back into bed at 11am, could still here bird flapping about, surely it could fly back up the chimney?
Slept like the dead until Brother Steven phoned at 2.15pm, to say did i want to go up to Hartshead moor cricket club with him and Dad? decided this indeed was a fine idea, so got ready and met them for a shandy at 3.30pm, no time to eat as i had to meet Spug at 5pm, dropped car off home, kidnapped Steven for comedy value and demanded he come to club with us for beer (he's only had 7 pints at this point), walked down the greenway and saw a v. sweaty MJW out jogging, arrive at CRUFC at 5.15pm and have more shandy and lagertops and 1 bag of crisps...............messy!
Well pleasantly messy, Katy and Grant arrived at 6.30pm, MJW at 7pm and Matt at 7.30ish as he was waiting for Warren to bat at Bankfoot, Steven was snogging Spug, Katy was telling us about the Next sales, Matt was in the loos sponging his Guinness stain off his shirt, Steven was trying to gatecrash the private function in the main room, Caroline arrived followed by the losing 2nd team, the plan was to have a few in the club, then go into town, gone midnight we were still sat there, the 10 of us, minus Steven who'd left at 8.30pm after his 14th pint. Warren was ribbing Andy mercilessly about shagging in his parents bed, who incidentally said he probably wouldn't bother washing the bedding and he was going to tell his Mum some of the lads had crashed (that'd explain the smell of perfume, oh and the make-up on the white pillowcase).
Deano was looking down my top as usual, then shooting people with a cricket bat, Spug sat with Jenna most of the night, who was having Hemmy traumas (god that man is such a slag). Can't remember what much else happened, Andy went home at 12.30ish after kissing me on the cheek like i was his maiden Aunt and we remaining 9 went to Eastern spice in taxis that took forever, in fact, Me, Spug and MJW had eaten ours before the next cab arrived, admittedly they had gone via banks for more cash and Katy and Grants for wine.
I however did NOT want more drink as i'd finished Andy's cider and was very sleepy. When Deano found out i wasn't going to Andy he then suggested he should see me home.............i don't think so!!
Spug and i shared a cab home and left MJ saying hiya over and over and over to Matt, Warren, Caroline, Deano, Katy and Grant.
Sunday awoke to the sound of the bird STILL in the chimney, decided to have a look, removed all stuffing from chimney, failed to save Pigeon but managed to completely fuck new cream carpet with massive black soot stain, meanwhile hair straighteners have fallen over and scorched dressing table at the same time.
Did a bit of washing, tescos run, then set off to Williams 4th birthday BBQ in New Farnley.
Stayed 2 hours, was freezing my tits off in the garden, had fuck all in common with any of the mothers, decided i hated ALL children, so set off back to the club, Andy was playing cricket at home on Sunday, had a quick shandy with Matt, cricket was rained off, dropped Matt at his Mums for his Sunday dinner, took car home and taxied back to club, had 2 lagertops with Spug and Jenna, chatted to Mick Collins, who said to light fire and burn pigeon, offered Hemmy on for a fight on the back bowling green, then we got a cab to spoons.
Matt came back out at 8pm, Jenna and Spug went for a curry at 9.30pm, me and RMS stayed till the death and talked tripe while quenching our incurable thirsts, shared a cab home, in bed for 11pm.
Monday had a days annual leave (pre-booked to get over LARGE weekend) could STILL hear pigeon, drove to Marlene's to moan about:
1.Bird in chimney.
2.Fucked t.v aerial and the fact that i had to go to bed to watch channel 4.
3.Swollen door that i couldn't lock even though i'd fitted new deadlock.
She in turn told me about:
1. £150k house that isn't selling.
2.Bad man who ran into her last Thursday and wrote her car off.
3.Tina poorly family pooch.
4.Dad working himself to the bone.
Felt like a twat as all my problems could be solved in the hour!
Went home collared Paul from the building site, he came and chiselled bits off my door and moved all the fittings, he sent an old geezer up on the roof to direct aerial in direction of Emley moor mast, he said to phone RSPCA to save bird, by 2pm i have perfect picture on all t.v channels, a door that opens and closes AND locks like a dream, and a fit as fook RSPCA man with his hand up my chimney, pulls out the biggest pigeon i have ever seen in my life with it's eyes shut like a pit pony.
He then says now then, am i bleeding or are you (wondered how the fuck he knew i was on my period) then realised he meant bird with cut wing, which was bleeding all over my blinking bedroom.
He took the eagle downstairs put in on grass and it just flew away like a scene from Kez, i was nearly in tears (and thanking the lord that one of my cats hadn't instantly pounced after all this pavala).
By this time, my decorating plans for day had been scuppered, had a bath, hairwash and met Spug, Ruth and Mark at 5pm, i drove over to Batley weatherspoons (O.B's being shut for refurbishment) where we all had a very pleasant main course and pudding and we laughed and talked shite and i hassled the waiter because he was shit.
But i did take pity and let him use pineapple on my waffle as they'd run out of banana.
Dropped them 3 at the old house at home, i took car home and sprinted into Cleck, had one in the old house (Graham was in there, i SO wish Andy was as confident and Funny as him).
We had a quick pint in there and 2 in the Turnstiles (where Spug let it slip about the B.J) then home for BB at 10pm.
So that's it folks he wants to go Hill walking, but on the upside the birds safe.
Awoke at 8.22am to the sound of a large bird flapping about in the chimney breast, thought the problem would go away on it's own, so went to work as normal.
Mundane day, went to Worksop to drop some taps off and had a salad for lunch.
Disco kip over and done with, bird still there, met the Spugather at 8pm (she was brown as a fucking berry, Wales my arse), Spoons, Mr.Porritt was there with Deano, John, Bev, Liam and the other sporty boys.
We sat with Mark, Chris and Ruth and then Matt appeared sporting a lovely pink shirt and his Tiffany cufflinks, we had a few in there, then left to go to the Old house, I sang Karaoke badly and told Graham Jackson the full story about losing my key.
Matt sang well and we all seemed quite tipsy by the time we got to the Station at 11.15pm.........i chatted to James and James in here, everyone was raving about Hayleys eyeshadow, Tina, Beth and Jo were all jigging about they'd been on the wine at home.
We all left in dribs and drabs to the Regal in the sky, had some shandy, Andy was wellied on cider as he had Sat. off work (the 1st since he started in Feb.) he was leaning towards me to kiss me/speak to me, but kept managing to headbutt me.
He then pipes up, we should do more things as a couple, i suggest pictures, he readily agrees, Next Friday it is, anything i chose is fine.
What would he like to do? HILL WALKING!!!!!!!!! (he looks so normal too).
Changed the subject sharpish, get some more beer, do some more dancing,row with mad Lynne,Andy wants me to stay at his, i argue, say his beds too small, he wins.
Saturday 10.15am, awake in Gill and Dave's bed not knowing where the fuck i am, maybe a posh hotel??
Don't really give a fuck as i have a naked 26yr old muscle bound bronzed body at the side of me, went to the bathroom, then hope to high heavens John's not in as I'm walking around with nothing on. Climb back in to bed and did some damn fine lurving, realised Andy (the old romantic) had fallen back asleep, so let myself out and walked up Whitcliffe road cursing all the way at fucking green shoes rubbing me, looking like a 2 bit whore with last nights clothes and make-up on.
Fell back into bed at 11am, could still here bird flapping about, surely it could fly back up the chimney?
Slept like the dead until Brother Steven phoned at 2.15pm, to say did i want to go up to Hartshead moor cricket club with him and Dad? decided this indeed was a fine idea, so got ready and met them for a shandy at 3.30pm, no time to eat as i had to meet Spug at 5pm, dropped car off home, kidnapped Steven for comedy value and demanded he come to club with us for beer (he's only had 7 pints at this point), walked down the greenway and saw a v. sweaty MJW out jogging, arrive at CRUFC at 5.15pm and have more shandy and lagertops and 1 bag of crisps...............messy!
Well pleasantly messy, Katy and Grant arrived at 6.30pm, MJW at 7pm and Matt at 7.30ish as he was waiting for Warren to bat at Bankfoot, Steven was snogging Spug, Katy was telling us about the Next sales, Matt was in the loos sponging his Guinness stain off his shirt, Steven was trying to gatecrash the private function in the main room, Caroline arrived followed by the losing 2nd team, the plan was to have a few in the club, then go into town, gone midnight we were still sat there, the 10 of us, minus Steven who'd left at 8.30pm after his 14th pint. Warren was ribbing Andy mercilessly about shagging in his parents bed, who incidentally said he probably wouldn't bother washing the bedding and he was going to tell his Mum some of the lads had crashed (that'd explain the smell of perfume, oh and the make-up on the white pillowcase).
Deano was looking down my top as usual, then shooting people with a cricket bat, Spug sat with Jenna most of the night, who was having Hemmy traumas (god that man is such a slag). Can't remember what much else happened, Andy went home at 12.30ish after kissing me on the cheek like i was his maiden Aunt and we remaining 9 went to Eastern spice in taxis that took forever, in fact, Me, Spug and MJW had eaten ours before the next cab arrived, admittedly they had gone via banks for more cash and Katy and Grants for wine.
I however did NOT want more drink as i'd finished Andy's cider and was very sleepy. When Deano found out i wasn't going to Andy he then suggested he should see me home.............i don't think so!!
Spug and i shared a cab home and left MJ saying hiya over and over and over to Matt, Warren, Caroline, Deano, Katy and Grant.
Sunday awoke to the sound of the bird STILL in the chimney, decided to have a look, removed all stuffing from chimney, failed to save Pigeon but managed to completely fuck new cream carpet with massive black soot stain, meanwhile hair straighteners have fallen over and scorched dressing table at the same time.
Did a bit of washing, tescos run, then set off to Williams 4th birthday BBQ in New Farnley.
Stayed 2 hours, was freezing my tits off in the garden, had fuck all in common with any of the mothers, decided i hated ALL children, so set off back to the club, Andy was playing cricket at home on Sunday, had a quick shandy with Matt, cricket was rained off, dropped Matt at his Mums for his Sunday dinner, took car home and taxied back to club, had 2 lagertops with Spug and Jenna, chatted to Mick Collins, who said to light fire and burn pigeon, offered Hemmy on for a fight on the back bowling green, then we got a cab to spoons.
Matt came back out at 8pm, Jenna and Spug went for a curry at 9.30pm, me and RMS stayed till the death and talked tripe while quenching our incurable thirsts, shared a cab home, in bed for 11pm.
Monday had a days annual leave (pre-booked to get over LARGE weekend) could STILL hear pigeon, drove to Marlene's to moan about:
1.Bird in chimney.
2.Fucked t.v aerial and the fact that i had to go to bed to watch channel 4.
3.Swollen door that i couldn't lock even though i'd fitted new deadlock.
She in turn told me about:
1. £150k house that isn't selling.
2.Bad man who ran into her last Thursday and wrote her car off.
3.Tina poorly family pooch.
4.Dad working himself to the bone.
Felt like a twat as all my problems could be solved in the hour!
Went home collared Paul from the building site, he came and chiselled bits off my door and moved all the fittings, he sent an old geezer up on the roof to direct aerial in direction of Emley moor mast, he said to phone RSPCA to save bird, by 2pm i have perfect picture on all t.v channels, a door that opens and closes AND locks like a dream, and a fit as fook RSPCA man with his hand up my chimney, pulls out the biggest pigeon i have ever seen in my life with it's eyes shut like a pit pony.
He then says now then, am i bleeding or are you (wondered how the fuck he knew i was on my period) then realised he meant bird with cut wing, which was bleeding all over my blinking bedroom.
He took the eagle downstairs put in on grass and it just flew away like a scene from Kez, i was nearly in tears (and thanking the lord that one of my cats hadn't instantly pounced after all this pavala).
By this time, my decorating plans for day had been scuppered, had a bath, hairwash and met Spug, Ruth and Mark at 5pm, i drove over to Batley weatherspoons (O.B's being shut for refurbishment) where we all had a very pleasant main course and pudding and we laughed and talked shite and i hassled the waiter because he was shit.
But i did take pity and let him use pineapple on my waffle as they'd run out of banana.
Dropped them 3 at the old house at home, i took car home and sprinted into Cleck, had one in the old house (Graham was in there, i SO wish Andy was as confident and Funny as him).
We had a quick pint in there and 2 in the Turnstiles (where Spug let it slip about the B.J) then home for BB at 10pm.
So that's it folks he wants to go Hill walking, but on the upside the birds safe.
posted by Karen @ 11:13 AM
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