The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker.

I meant, the squaddie, the ex-copper and the engineer.
I do get mixed up.

Driving back across the M62 at 120 miles an hour, the plan was to sleep from 4 till 7, just until the anaesthetic wore off from the dentist, then i'd be fit as a fiddle to party at 8pm sharp.........not, plan as usual went tits up.
Garage phoned to say, car ready at 9am Saturday.....(go take yourself a running jump, Mr. Car mechanic) said i'd collect it Monday a.m, but still had to drive all the way back to work to get boss to sign a cheque for the excess.
So disco kip delayed, by the time i'd had my sleep.....it was way too late to go out, resigned myself to the fact it really wouldn't kill me to stay in one Friday, ordered a Chinese, called at tescos for supplies, arrived home and thought i'd have a nice bath to warm up then hit the sofa in my p.j's for the evening...............NOT!
Don't know what happened next, but i was putting my make up on and straightening my hair and pulling random outfits out of the wardrobe at 56 miles an hour..........need to go out, need to go out.

Made it to the Turnstiles at 10pm, hooray.......beer in hand and all was well with the world, well my world! not Beth's world it seemed as she was wellied.
Sat next to Katy, who proceeded to tell me that my man and her man were bunking partners on tour in Madrid and she shouldn't really be telling me but, they'd been a spot of bother, which involved Andy, Warren, some Spanish girls, Spanish bouncers and a couple of baseball bats, Warrens head split open and Andy now sporting a black eye!!!!!
Oh hummer!!!! my poor baby, bottom lip was out.........best have some more to drink, to cheer up!


We all trundled up to the Station, Tina, Spug, Hayley, Jo, Beth, Katy and moi........sat down, Beth fell down, had some more bevies and basically laughed at Beth who was at this point snogging the gay bar man.

Regal, Spug and Katy left early, Beth had gone to outbacks with Andy Beetham who was at a loose end as his girlfriend was in hospital with kidney failure, seemingly.

I don't know what happened but i blinked and was sat in the rear of a mini bus with Graham Jackson going to his Mum's house up South parade, coz he needed me to see where he lived as it wasn't posh like my house as they were simple people who didn't need material things, he wasn't fucking kidding!!!

Mrs. Jackson's living room, was based on a nautical theme, all navy velour and white anaglypter......Mmmm!
Pot china dogs and ponies from Dewsbury market, yummy!
Anyhow Graham showed me the airbed that he now sleeps on, being a bigger boy he doesn't share with Neil anymore.
Then he randomly offers me a snack, the cut crystal dish that you have nuts in at Christmas on the sideboard, not nuts in the Jackson abode......Skittles, FUCKING SKITTLES!!!!!!!!!
Declined, then just happened to mention the uneaten chinese at my house, taxi.....in the kitchen microwaving equal portions of special chow mein and egg fried rice, sending txts to poorly boy in Madrid, of course Andy will want to read my inane ramblings at 2am sat morning......who wouldn't???!!?

Did some singing and dancing to Kirsty Mccall, ate our chinese and the next thing i remember it's 12 midday Saturday and Jackson is in the garden banging on the door because he's left his mobile, was too ashamed to ask him about the events of the previous evening as he was ruffling my hair and calling my lazy bones for still being in bed, waved him off back to Newcastle and stared in horror at the sent items in my mobile, no no no, Horner you stupid fucking cunt!!!!!
Will definately be chucked now, when Porritt has sobered up and shown all his mates the stupid, soppy guilt ridden texts messages.

Let out some sort of strangled yelp and hid under the quilt until 3pm.


2 pints of coffee and a bacon buttie later and visitors at the door, very welcome visitors as in not people who i have shagged or people who have left possessions down the back of the sofa.
Dean, Rach and baby Megan..hooray!! My Meg sniffed baby Megs head and ran upstairs, realising she was one of those things that will grow into a Thirza or Olivia and chase her round the house.
Luther sat licking his lips wondering if he could eat her, they left at 7pm.......i got ready at break neck speed and met Katy at 7.30pm to go down to the sports club, had a shandy or two, Spug and Hayley were already down there and we were joined by Paul Hemmingway who was slightly worse for the drink.

We taxied to spoons, Paul still tagging along and met up with Tina, Beth and their work mate who it turns out is Burberrys ex bird! Random.
Paul was trying his best chat up lines, to try get in my knickers........like.. men are only interested in one thing and that's......the furry triangle. Nice!!
We then decided we should have a shag at least once, just to see..then i remembered AP, i know!!!!!! Paul...aged 45 fit as fook, ex copper...tasty tasty and little AP!??!!!!

Had a snog then he staggered off in the direction of the curry house, muttering about taking his daughter and her pals ice-skating Sunday morning.

Made it to the station and the regal, but don't remember either.........flashbacks are........... rasta D.J making me get in the d.j box and some girl with blond long curly hair swinging me round and saying your ace, then kissing my cheek, the fucking scary bitch, she'll be wanting to drink from my furry cup next, the lessie!!!!!!!!

Oooh i do remember phoning Andy from Katies phone and getting Grant to wake him up, ah bless!! he was drunk and sleepy, so i took full advantage of this by asking him loaded questions, " do you miss me?" hahahahaaaaaaa, what was he going to say? No!!??!!

Anyhow he's coming round one night this week to show me his black eye.... we'll see!!

Felt rubbish yesterday, really bab!!!!! made it to tescos on my hands and knees, then made fatal error of calling at marlos for a cup of char!!!
Next she was dragging me all over shop, can i borrow your lawn mower? come on we'll nip and see the bungalow, leave me alone a feel rubbish!!!!!!

Finally made it home for 5.30pm, cleaned bathroom, wrote Britany diary, did 3 loads of washing, made a huge cooked breakfast (heart attack on a plate), changed bedding........settled down to an evening of mind numbing rubbish on the box, then that fucking Dean txt, to say they were all off to the pub, so i had to go out....twats!! all of them......
Had 5 lagertops in spoons and reflected on our weekend and laughed and laughed at my tragic carcrash life!!!!!! and the big fat rat!

Skittle?

Arrived home without Rudie crashing the taxi, had a txt from Sarah asking about frying onions until they're see through, i know i'll ring her for a chat, she was in bed, oh so what!!! waffled on for 1/2 hr about tripe, then watched footballers wives from last Thursday and had some wine, feel rubbish again today......
Not as rubbish as the 30 rugby players who have been on the piss in Madrid for the last 5 days, i'll wager!!!